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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-13-2013, 08:33 AM   #76 (permalink)
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Default Re: I caught my wife cheating 3 weeks before our 22 year Ann.

I would also cut them off at the pass and tell the kids that the MIL was threatening to tell them bad stuff about you if you told them!! And let them know what that was in your words not hers!!
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Old 03-13-2013, 08:43 AM   #77 (permalink)
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Default Re: I caught my wife cheating 3 weeks before our 22 year Ann.

Stump,

You know the truth... Bloods thicker than water.

A few days after dd, her parents who live in same town, were asking us what's going on with y'all. "Haven't seen you at church, not answering calls."

I told fww, I am not dancing around this with your parents for the rest of my life. "You need to tell them, what you are." She declined at first, but in a few days agreed.

Here's the point... We all four sit down at kitchen table. My wife admits to sleeping with 3 OM over the last 6+ years, 30 years married at time. I just sit there, silent. Her father is disgusted, her mom silent, hands over her face. Her father asked her detailed questions and wife begins to lie to him in front of me.

I step in and blurt out you are lying again (cheater lie), Her mother yells out to me, "You are not helping matters." and hugs fww like a little child. Her father is not far behind.

So much for accountability, WTF.

Later, I find out that over the past few years, for some reason, my FIL had written me out of every section of his will. All assets, property and such only to my wife, then to our children. Wife admitted to me, that while cheating she had talks with them about how bad our marriage was and had wondered if I was being faithful to her. Her father saw us a soon to be divorced.

Get the point...
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Old 03-13-2013, 08:47 AM   #78 (permalink)
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Default Re: I caught my wife cheating 3 weeks before our 22 year Ann.

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Thank you again for all of you help and no offense taken with anyone here, I may have worded things wrong when I said Church. It is more than that it would be faith and a Christian lifestyle. I know that Biblically I have grounds for divorce but in a strange way I wanted to save it because I love her. I did force her to tell her Mother and father and to my shock her mother pretty much blamed me as well. I could not believe what I was hearing, they are trying to convince me not to tell the kids. Her mother actually threatened to tell them everything she knew about me or my family if I told them. I could not believe what I was hearing, her mother told me that what she had done in no worse than any other mistakes we had made in our marriage. I also think that one big disadvantage I may have that may or may not be unique is the fact that I have 4 months of their daily conversations. I not only have the imagination of the affair but have a actual four month window, complete with times she had sent him nude shots of body parts while with the family on family events. She sent him something on Christmas Eve with me and my three children in the other room. She has no remorse but her and her mother only want to keep it a secret and move on. It is strange but they are almost looking at this as if she had backed into my truck, yes I would be a little upset but would get over it quickly and move on. Very strange, if something don't change my mind I plan on telling my children tonight and filling for divorce in the morning. Thank you all again for your advice and words of encouragement.
Good plan, it doesn't sound like the apple fell far from the tree.

Your wife may not be remorseful because she thinks you are still in her pocket. Filling for divorce may ring her bell and you may see an entirely different woman.

File for divorce and do the 180 too help yourself. It may bring your wife back into the fold but that is NOT what the 180 is for
The Healing Heart: The 180

Divorce takes a while, if she comes around and does the right things you may want to reconcile. Before you try that come here for advice as there are many things that must be done for reconcilliation. Many forgive and seep it under the rug and that will eventually kill the marriage too.
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Old 03-13-2013, 08:50 AM   #79 (permalink)
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Default Re: I caught my wife cheating 3 weeks before our 22 year Ann.

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I would also cut them off at the pass and tell the kids that the MIL was threatening to tell them bad stuff about you if you told them!! And let them know what that was in your words not hers!!
I'm quoting this because liking it isn't strong enough. WS, and I'm sorry for being sexist, just going with my personal experience, especially wives, tend to be VERY vindictive if you divorce them after an affair. They commonly take on this attitude of "How can you divorce me, look how you're wronging me!"

Take the high road with your kids, ALWAYS. I took the attitude of "I don't want to win a popularity contest, I want my kids to be able to look back when they're adults and see the truth, even if that isn't the case while they're growing up." But DEFINITELY inform your kids of everything that went down. How your future outlaws are going to respond could hurt more than your stbxw. You know "blood is thicker" and all that, but until you experience it, you don't TRULY understand the issue.
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Old 03-13-2013, 08:53 AM   #80 (permalink)
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Her mother actually threatened to tell them everything she knew about me or my family if I told them. .
Are your "secrets" that bad?
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:08 AM   #81 (permalink)
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Default Re: I caught my wife cheating 3 weeks before our 22 year Ann.

""Very strange, if something don't change my mind I plan on telling my children tonight and filling for divorce in the morning. Thank you all again for your advice and words of encouragement.""


File for D and have her served. It's the only way you're going to find out if your Wife willing to TRY. I say try because honestly it doesn't look good. But you won't know until you put your foot down. If she realizes you're actually going to divorce her, you'll know if there's a chance at R. I am truly sorry that you are going through this. Btw, exposing this is a good start. Affairs do not like the light of day.

Oh yes and the 180 is a must at this point. If it's not about the children, or the divorce, don't talk to here about it.
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:31 AM   #82 (permalink)
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Default Re: I caught my wife cheating 3 weeks before our 22 year Ann.

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Thank you again for all of you help and no offense taken with anyone here, I may have worded things wrong when I said Church. It is more than that it would be faith and a Christian lifestyle. I know that Biblically I have grounds for divorce but in a strange way I wanted to save it because I love her. I did force her to tell her Mother and father and to my shock her mother pretty much blamed me as well. I could not believe what I was hearing, they are trying to convince me not to tell the kids. Her mother actually threatened to tell them everything she knew about me or my family if I told them. I could not believe what I was hearing, her mother told me that what she had done in no worse than any other mistakes we had made in our marriage. I also think that one big disadvantage I may have that may or may not be unique is the fact that I have 4 months of their daily conversations. I not only have the imagination of the affair but have a actual four month window, complete with times she had sent him nude shots of body parts while with the family on family events. She sent him something on Christmas Eve with me and my three children in the other room. She has no remorse but her and her mother only want to keep it a secret and move on. It is strange but they are almost looking at this as if she had backed into my truck, yes I would be a little upset but would get over it quickly and move on. Very strange, if something don't change my mind I plan on telling my children tonight and filling for divorce in the morning. Thank you all again for your advice and words of encouragement.

I am sorry you are here. I am just getting caught up with your posts. I was married 29 years when I caught my wife. I did not want my marriage to end either but you have to take steps that your wife and mother in law are not going to like.

1. You must expose the A. Your kids must know your family and hers. You must expose the OM as well to their wives and or GF's

2. File for D, you do not have to go through with it but she needs to know you are serious.

3. Tell her to go get an STD test. She will tell you they used protection. It is a lie but tell her everything about the past is a lie why should I believe you know.

4. Go get yourself checked for STD's asap.

5. Get her into IC and you go to IC as well. Not your Minister. I am a christian as well but these guys are not trained in dealing withte issues you are going to deal with. Your wife has an addiction and you are going to have depression and stress like never before.

6. Tell your wife to write a no contact letter now and you are going to send it.

7. Any violation of those points even a little bit. You take her to Moms and drop her off at the door.

I dealt with the texts the lying, the pictures. Things my wife would never say to me or send to me. The mind movies. You have to be a real strong man right now. These things will hurt. I do not care if your kids see you cry but do not let her.

The only way you can build a new marriage and life is to be willing to dump the old one. The woman you married is dead and gone. Your marriage is dead and gone.

You may be able to build a new one but you have to take these steps. Most of us did not and it causes more pain for everyone.

Your IC, a christian one is fine but make sure they are not your minister and they are trained in this sort of thing.

Be a strong man for your family.

Last edited by mahike; 03-13-2013 at 03:36 PM.
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:34 AM   #83 (permalink)
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Stump,

You know the truth... Bloods thicker than water.

A few days after dd, her parents who live in same town, were asking us what's going on with y'all. "Haven't seen you at church, not answering calls."

I told fww, I am not dancing around this with your parents for the rest of my life. "You need to tell them, what you are." She declined at first, but in a few days agreed.

Here's the point... We all four sit down at kitchen table. My wife admits to sleeping with 3 OM over the last 6+ years, 30 years married at time. I just sit there, silent. Her father is disgusted, her mom silent, hands over her face. Her father asked her detailed questions and wife begins to lie to him in front of me.

I step in and blurt out you are lying again (cheater lie), Her mother yells out to me, "You are not helping matters." and hugs fww like a little child. Her father is not far behind.

So much for accountability, WTF.

Later, I find out that over the past few years, for some reason, my FIL had written me out of every section of his will. All assets, property and such only to my wife, then to our children. Wife admitted to me, that while cheating she had talks with them about how bad our marriage was and had wondered if I was being faithful to her. Her father saw us a soon to be divorced.

Get the point...
Apparently I'm a total aberration because blood means fvck-all to me. My respect and treatment of a person is based entirely on their actions. If I had been your FIL in that situation and she'd lied outright to me, and disrespected my SIL who was saintly enough to not divorce her worthless hide, she'd have felt the back of hand, no question.

Last edited by JMGrey; 03-13-2013 at 10:48 AM.
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Old 03-13-2013, 03:02 PM   #84 (permalink)
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Default Re: I caught my wife cheating 3 weeks before our 22 year Ann.

stumpy: Im so sorry.... It is so heartbreaking to find that all your hopes and dreams with this other person somehow became such a lie. My stbxh worked quite a bit with several of our pastors, at first he was repentive and seemed to do fine but we found out years later that there were a lot of lies; he even ended up punching one of the pastors. Yes, she needs to be exposed but be prepared for it not turning out well. Your faith will be more of a help to your healing then it will to her. I can recommend this website, It’s not just for divorce but people looking to reconcile also. DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups Even if you can’t find a group to go to in your area the emails will help you quite a bit.
I’ll be praying for you, God Bless
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Old 03-13-2013, 03:35 PM   #85 (permalink)
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Default Re: I caught my wife cheating 3 weeks before our 22 year Ann.

First of all I knew you would come back. I called it. I have very very good instincts I knew you had to digest everything. Second I think there are some people here that you owe you a apology can't call someone out like that it is disrespectful especially since it has only been a few days. Happy your back and I'm sorry that the family totally went against you the way they did.

What are you planning on doing now? Or what would you like to do if that is too soon to ask I completely understand.
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Old 03-13-2013, 05:07 PM   #86 (permalink)
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Default Re: I caught my wife cheating 3 weeks before our 22 year Ann.

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I don't know if I am worse because instead of her just cheating I saw and read 6 months worth of daily messages, some where she was bad mouthing me while she lay in my bed beside me. I can't get the images and words out of my mind. Thank you all, it really helps just to get some of this out to others who have been down this road.
I have a years worth of some of the most pornographic emails and sex chats you could ever think of reading. i also got to see receits of the kind of thongs and bras he bought her for their "coffee" meetings.. thats what they called them.
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Old 03-13-2013, 09:43 PM   #87 (permalink)
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First of all I knew you would come back. I called it. I have very very good instincts I knew you had to digest everything. Second I think there are some people here that you owe you a apology can't call someone out like that it is disrespectful especially since it has only been a few days. Happy your back and I'm sorry that the family totally went against you the way they did.

What are you planning on doing now? Or what would you like to do if that is too soon to ask I completely understand.
Alright....

I apologize.

But what I said about churchifieds stands.
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:06 PM   #88 (permalink)
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Default Re: I caught my wife cheating 3 weeks before our 22 year Ann.

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I not only have the imagination of the affair but have a actual four month window, complete with times she had sent him nude shots of body parts while with the family on family events. She sent him something on Christmas Eve with me and my three children in the other room. She has no remorse but her and her mother only want to keep it a secret and move on.
Sorry that you had to see that. As we've seen here time and time again, when they are in the affair, absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing is sacred. They can even send texts/emails demonizing you while even laying right next to you.

Also, if I were you, toxic MIL would never be welcome in the house again. In their case, blood IS thicker than water. Like someone said, she probably cheated or is cheating too.

Do the right thing. She will never be remorseful because she her toxic, no morals mother, has her back.
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Old 03-14-2013, 11:05 AM   #89 (permalink)
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Default Re: I caught my wife cheating 3 weeks before our 22 year Ann.

Sorry mate but at least you now know exactly where they stand on this and what they really think about you.

I think personally you should be straight with your kids from the off, weather you stay together or split up.

Good luck.
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Old 03-14-2013, 11:40 AM   #90 (permalink)
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Apparently I'm a total aberration because blood means fvck-all to me. My respect and treatment of a person is based entirely on their actions. If I had been your FIL in that situation and she'd lied outright to me, and disrespected my SIL who was saintly enough to not divorce her worthless hide, she'd have felt the back of hand, no question.
Iím the same: I canít even tell you how many times I told my brothers off, I was estranged from one for a few years because he wanted me to turn on his xw and he was the one that cheated. I have two brothers that have been married 3 times each and have over 9 children between them and they want my support when they complain about child support and what B*&^%s their x wifeís are... I donít think so not when youíre the one thatís the cheat honey... I may still love you but I wonít ever condone your behavior and as for me feeling sorry about the amount of support you pay... nope... both of them are not hands-on dads, they do not take the kids to dr apts or go to teacher conferences or even visit them regularly, one hasnít seen his children in 3 years.... Iím sorry but no sympathy from me. I have wonderful relationships with my x sil's and with all my Nieces and nephews, I have been there for them when their fathers havenít... Iíve even taken them on vacations with me and they call me when they need to talk or get away. Saying that Iím understanding when they talk about their bad relationships with their dads or even an argument with their mom, I try to comfort them, talk about addiction and how it affects family but I wonít put my brothers down either.
My stbxhís sister that I was best friends with however, has now turned her back on me, she is trying to say that I have made these things up about her brother (and she doesnít even know the half of it) She has joined forces with the alcoholic sister that she and my H always couldnít stand (who hates me) and they now talk to others in the family about how awful a person I am...My angry drunk sil called me up at 10:30 in the morning at work to yell at me about what an awful person I was! I can go on and on... you can tell how angry I am.. for 36 years I stood by their looser of a brother, when no one else would have..... And Iím the rotten person...
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