I ask this question not to try to insinuate blame so please don't read into it more than intended. Can you think back to when the sexual problems first started? What else was going on at the time and can you see a relationship between you withdrawing sexually from each other and another issue or issues that either one or both of you faced?
It started after we moved to this town so I'd say about 2 to 3 years? But I've always been the one to be more physically demonstrative and that never bugged me until he started pushing me away quite literally.
He does probably feel betrayed and insecure and he may just be waiting for me to stab him in the back again. I am sure if the situation was reversed I wouldn't crave intimacy with him (sex yes, connection no.)
Sadly, the excessive porn use is a lifetime habit for him. And it just explains a lot of physical things in him, like the desensitization of his penis. I am cringing just typing that btw.
Ground, please don't apologize! I appreciate any insight or help I can get.
Will, he KNOWS. He has to KNOW. I wrote him a letter. We started doing date nights and trying to reconnect. Then we had a huge family crisis and it stopped being a priority to him. Our house was in chaos for a few weeks and I let it slide too. After things calmed down at the end of January, I said "J let's do a date night." He said next week. That never happened.
It started after we moved to this town so I'd say about 2 to 3 years? But I've always been the one to be more physically demonstrative and that never bugged me until he started pushing me away quite literally.
He does probably feel betrayed and insecure and he may just be waiting for me to stab him in the back again. I am sure if the situation was reversed I wouldn't crave intimacy with him (sex yes, connection no.)
Sadly, the excessive porn use is a lifetime habit for him. And it just explains a lot of physical things in him, like the desensitization of his penis. I am cringing just typing that btw.
Ground, please don't apologize! I appreciate any insight or help I can get.
Will, he KNOWS. He has to KNOW. I wrote him a letter. We started doing date nights and trying to reconnect. Then we had a huge family crisis and it stopped being a priority to him. Our house was in chaos for a few weeks and I let it slide too. After things calmed down at the end of January, I said "J let's do a date night." He said next week. That never happened.
Annie, was there anything else going on at that time that could have impacted the marital relations? The birth of a child? Extremely long hours at work? More arguments at home? I'm just trying to figure out what changed around that time that could account for the drop in sexual frequency.
I was never so attractive or so sexually profficient to have women, even my wife, wanting me with any intensity and this shades my view. I have always thought that "a girl in the hand is better than a hand full of CD's or web sites. While masterbating from time to time is normal and a sexual relief, there is nothing sexual about porn in excess.It is symptomatic of deeper emotional concern.
Children, male or female, will masterbate when they are scared, anxious, or upset because they find it comforting. The Japanese army in the 1930's and 40's recomeended that ones penis shrank when one was afraid and that fondling and stroking it would cause it to expand and take away their overwhelming fear. It also smacks of Obsessive Compulsive dissorder.
A second element is that of addiction. Even there excessive masterbation is not really a sexual activity. Again, it is comforting, helps to deal with fear and anxiety. Addictions, regardless of what that addiction is an addiction to, all have a common structure and common causes. My brother-in-law was a sex addict and when he had sex with these girls he picked up he felt that having sex with them was something special he did for them, it boosted his ego and made him feel good about himself. He had a good income so when he couldn't pick up a girl he would get a hooker or massages or look at porn.Soon he needed some form of sex four times a day. He was using the company credit card to pay for his activities, he started coming in late, disappearing at lunch and telling his wife he was working late. He was telling his boss his kids were sick and he was facing an audit of his expenses. His productivity dropped like a stone.
His solution was to work harder, but the further ahead he got, the further behind he was. He was full of stress, fear and guilt, but that only made him worse.Then his world fell apart: he lost his job, his wife left him and then he had to bankrupt.At his highest point he looked like quite the man, different girls, sex three four times a day and a couple of girlfriends, not to mention an exotic and beautiful wife. 12 years later he's getting re-married, but he will never have the life or career he had hoped to have.
When I became a porn addict I was in a sexless marriage, my wife was cheating and left me. My career was on hold, we lost our condo, and we bankrupted. My wife in her fight with my son's wife estranged them from us. I have seen my grand child three times. I had no self esteem, no self respect, no future and I was likely going to loose my job.
My point is that the Porn Addiction was a symptome of deeper problems, and like any addiction it makes you feel like you are in control when the last thing you have is control.
The only reasons I didn't have an affair was that I couldn't find a woman who was interested and I am lousy in bed.
I am not going to speculate about what your husband's issues might be; you know him best.
You wrote that you couldn't tell your husband to stop looking at porn. Given that porn addiction is as real and as destructive as any other more obvious addiction.
But, to answer your question, if he says that, then the obvious answer is "Then we need counseling to fix these problems."
It is the unwillingness to fix anything that is so maddening! I know. I went through it with my wife too. And it took the threat of divorce for both of us change even little bit.
Will, he KNOWS. He has to KNOW. I wrote him a letter. We started doing date nights and trying to reconnect. Then we had a huge family crisis and it stopped being a priority to him. Our house was in chaos for a few weeks and I let it slide too. After things calmed down at the end of January, I said "J let's do a date night." He said next week. That never happened.
Then try harder, make him understand it's reconecting/rebuilding of letting the marriage die but you won't be miserable for so long.
I wish he posted here. Maybe we could explain it to him.
I don't see the use of pornography as a problem in and of itself. The replacing of a spouse with pornography....big problem.
What are his porn habits like ? Does he watch these webcam shows ?
From what I've seen just lots of free stuff. I've combed through his internet history and I've never come across any webcam shows but it is possible.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bfree
Annie, was there anything else going on at that time that could have impacted the marital relations? The birth of a child? Extremely long hours at work? More arguments at home? I'm just trying to figure out what changed around that time that could account for the drop in sexual frequency.
We moved to this town and his commute went from 20 minutes one way to an hour. He joined a team he LOVED but it required weird hours and lots of plainclothes and undercover work. His job got tougher after we moved here. It was less routine work and more independent. The team was pretty new and the guys had to come up with their own procedures and define the team's role. That was sooooo stressful for him.
Sitting in Starbucks reading TAM, girls are at church with my mother. Om walks up behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder.
Freaking out. I really hate that I have done this. I feel like I am going to throw up. I'm having a panic attack. I have to tell my husband. I do not want to bring this up again.
OMG I would have given him a dirty look and walked out with my cellphone in hand dialing my husbands number immediately! The thought of runnin into him had me so scared that we made a plan and I am not afraid to call 911 on him if he were to engage in any conversation with me. Wow! I can't believe you even spoke to him and you didn't leave wow! Posted via Mobile Device
From what I've seen just lots of free stuff. I've combed through his internet history and I've never come across any webcam shows but it is possible.
We moved to this town and his commute went from 20 minutes one way to an hour. He joined a team he LOVED but it required weird hours and lots of plainclothes and undercover work. His job got tougher after we moved here. It was less routine work and more independent. The team was pretty new and the guys had to come up with their own procedures and define the team's role. That was sooooo stressful for him.
If your sex life started to suffer due to the stress of his job is possible he began to rely more and more on porn. By any chance does his work involve sex crimes? In any case he is probably embarrassed and confused as to how to fix this. I bet he never asks for help right? Do not wait on this. You need to find a way to get through to him in a way that doesn't make him feel guilty. Have you started IC yet? Maybe this is something you can ask your therapist for suggestions on how to handle it?
OMG I would have given him a dirty look and walked out with my cellphone in hand dialing my husbands number immediately! The thought of runnin into him had me so scared that we made a plan and I am not afraid to call 911 on him if he were to engage in any conversation with me. Wow! I can't believe you even spoke to him and you didn't leave wow! Posted via Mobile Device
I DID leave. You have resolved your feelings for your affair and are 100% in your marriage. I am not.
If your sex life started to suffer due to the stress of his job is possible he began to rely more and more on porn. By any chance does his work involve sex crimes? In any case he is probably embarrassed and confused as to how to fix this. I bet he never asks for help right? Do not wait on this. You need to find a way to get through to him in a way that doesn't make him feel guilty. Have you started IC yet? Maybe this is something you can ask your therapist for suggestions on how to handle it?
He is in federal law enforcement and deals mainly with "import/export." I try to stay as vague as possible when talking about my husband's job.
He never asks for help EVER. He just goes on, taking on more and more stress. The porn is an outlet and a comfort thing definitely. They offer counseling through his job but sometimes it takes a death or something for these guys to ask for help. We went to a seminar about that and the high suicide rate of LE. It is worrisome and scary.
When I read that I thought you meant that you were in church! But still you are right I'm all the way in my marriage, always will be. You keep bringing up his porn addiction so I'm not real sure where your head is..in limbo? sigh...well I don't have any advice here because all I can say is work on the marriage with MC or divorce..sorry. Posted via Mobile Device
Although his suggestions maybe too OTT because of the fragility of your marriage. But the thing that breaks ianction is consequences. Writing him a letter... not so much of a consequence.
Edit: On the other hand, from what I read, there doesn't seem to be enough space in your mind for your H. Even if he changes himself and takes full control of his life, you won't be ready mentally. Your head may still be in the affair.
He is in federal law enforcement and deals mainly with "import/export." I try to stay as vague as possible when talking about my husband's job.
He never asks for help EVER. He just goes on, taking on more and more stress. The porn is an outlet and a comfort thing definitely. They offer counseling through his job but sometimes it takes a death or something for these guys to ask for help. We went to a seminar about that and the high suicide rate of LE. It is worrisome and scary.
When I dealt with men who had issues like this we could almost always trace it back to a specific set of circumstances that started things off. Many times men were in a sexless marriage and came to rely on porn. Later they found that normal sex was impossible for them. Others could trace their problem back to sexual trauma going back to childhood that manifested in adulthood. Some simply felt rejected by their wives and resentment blocked their performance so porn became their substitute. And gradually the reliance on porn became greater and greater until literally without it these men couldn't get an erection. Just like all addictions the person needs to want to get help and it usually takes a major loss or an event to get them to ask for help. There is great shame and embarrassment involved because these men have literally driven themselves into erectile dysfunction. Most are like your husband. Too proud to seek help and too ashamed to admit the problem. I don't believe he was always this reliant on porn. And I don't think he would ever seek help through his job. He would be afraid that it would get out and he would be the brunt of jokes. I really think this is a situation where he needs to attend outside counseling but getting him there could be a challenge. I believe you said he declined marital counseling right? Maybe if you try to pull him in through your IC that might pave the way for him to get counseling. What you cannot do is ignore this and hope he solves it on his own. He not only won't but he can't. Even though your affair complicates matter you need to find a way to convince him to go to counseling in some way. Even if its a back door way like going through your therapist. This won't just go away. Don't let him be the victim of your infidelity and your inaction. The man you loved is still there. He's just lost like you were (are?) when you were knee deep in your affair.
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Re: Panicking...I hate this 
