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When you find out the 'details' of the PA....

96K views 265 replies 76 participants last post by  nuclearnightmare 
#1 ·
....does it ever make sense, or serve a purpose, to never want to replicate, duplicate, perform, act out ...etc ...in any manner, way, form that to other POS did with your wife, partner, etc?

...after 17 years, the anger about my wife's (supposed) one nighter with someone else finally boiled over. Before you look twice...yes, I said 17 years. We have been together ever since that "indiscretion" ...and I took a path to reconciliation. But, she never was 'made' to disclose details about what led her to sleep with someone else, or the 'dirty deed" itself. She, to this day, claims that she'd have a hard time telling me his name ...although I am sure that she withheld this info for fear that I'd hunt him down and kill him....or something really painful.

...this all has been brought to the front burner by:

1: My lack of trust in her (she played the trust card in our marriage ...and it's been in the discard pile ever since.)

2: She's planned a 5 night getaway in Fla with 5 of her HS girlfriends ...which ...brings to a boil issue #1.

My anger lately has been so off the charts that it's prompted her to give me an ultimatum regarding ...getting some professional help ...and, getting on some form of medication(s) to help me deal with the anger that's been festering for so long. The ultimatum was basically, get help ...stop ...fix this ...or I'm leaving to get an apartment ...taking daughter(s) .[one is 17, the other 23].

....let's start with this ...I want to be head over heals in love with her. It physically hurts to deal with the emotion associated with the thought of another guy touching her. I'm probably shortening my lifespan for enduring this level of hurt and the affiliated hostility. It's probably not a good thing either that in lieu of having "real meds" ...I prefer to have a few shots of bourbon every so often to numb the pain.

...we had a LONG talk about this today ...because she wouldn't get out of my face until we did. And as such, I got more and more angry with her that ...for lack of a better way of saying it ....she just wouldn't let me be angry because if was affecting her.

....I spilled my guts again ...and I demanded answers. I wanted to know what this other guys name was, where he lived, etc. Her answer, "does it really matter 17 years later"? I did the whole explanation to her about what SHOULD have happened back then on D-Day ...including disclosure, details, names, addresses, phone numbers, no contact statements...etc. (too bad TAM didn't exist then). She remained clueless ...thinking ."it's over...let's move on".

...I told her ..."you and I were the only people that each of us had ever slept with ...and you told me that you you had to love someone in order to sleep with them"...." what could someone possibly say to you to make you sleep with them after just meeting them"? She told me that he said, "I want you". That's it....3 simple words. 3 words that if I ever had the inclination to WANT to say to my wife at an opportune moment ...will NEVER EVER say to her.

....so the question I have for those that have stayed with a wayward spouse, "are you afraid to say or do anything that will remind you partner of the other man/woman".

...I was told by my wife today ...that because I wanted the 'details"...that "you are sick and need serious help". Well ...from what I've read regarding the topic ...I guess I'm not alone in my state of sickness.
 
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#197 ·
"do you think a guy can take serious pride for being "a good guy" ...and taking care of a child as if it was his own?"

Yes.

Any person can always take pride in the positive things they have helped any child achieve or learn.

I've been in education for over 20 years and feel pride in the students I have been able to guide into becoming better people.

I'm very involved with my godson, and take great pride that he comes to me to learn about new things or get questions answered.

You can take immense pride in her because you have been even more intimately involved with helping her to become a fantastic young woman.

Leave the bitterness, if you have any, for the s****y actions of your WW in putting you there.

An innocent child has no blame in this.
 
#199 ·
Hurtin,

You are stuck. Your wife has refused to tell you who he is. Have you accepted this or not?

If this mystery torments you, don't you need to resolve it?

You are uncertain if your daughter is yours. What if your wife knows that she us not yours? Will she ever share this knowledge with your daughter?

Your marriage is sexless. Don't you want to make love to your wife?

Your wife is unhappy and sexually frustrated. Shouldn't you take leadership of the situation?
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#200 ·
How about this, as a possibility -- "Tell me who it was, or I will get a DNA test to determine if I am her biological father. Here's the kit -- I got it at Walmart. I know even if the first test says she's not my biological daughter, I have to do it again, just to be sure. I won't tell her the results, nor will I tell you." Perhaps even add "Tell me who it was, or I will have an important piece of knowledge that I will not share with you. You will wonder, but I will not tell you. Let that define the rest of your life." Or something like that.

Seriously, you have a right to know who it was. Even more so because you have raised a child or questionable biological parentage as your own. She owes you that piece of information. Her inability to share it has partly defined you for way too long, hasn't it?
 
#201 ·
How about this, as a possibility -- "Tell me who it was, or I will get a DNA test to determine if I am her biological father. Here's the kit -- I got it at Walmart. I know even if the first test says she's not my biological daughter, I have to do it again, just to be sure. I won't tell her the results, nor will I tell you." Perhaps even add "Tell me who it was, or I will have an important piece of knowledge that I will not share with you. You will wonder, but I will not tell you. Let that define the rest of your life." Or something like that.

Seriously, you have a right to know who it was. Even more so because you have raised a child or questionable biological parentage as your own. She owes you that piece of information. Her inability to share it has partly defined you for way too long, hasn't it?
....yes ..it has ..unfortunately. I do ....however ...have a need to tread lightly in matters that will affect my daughter ...and how she feels about herself. Just because someone turns 18 ...does not make them immediately able to deal with real 'adult' situations.

...I'm actively working to deal with my end ...and since a little progress has been made ...I hold out hope that more will follow.
 
#203 ·
Hurting, you are in the same position my dad was 12 years ago and I was in the position of your daughter. My parents as well as both my elder siblings were brunettes but I was blonde. As a matter of fact, I was the only blonde in my extended family. I never noticed it till I was 14 when a girl who liked me commented on it. Over time I started noticing I don't look anything like my dad. I started noticing dad's mood swings, fights with my mom. The idea that my dad might not be my biological father took root in me.

Finally on my 18th bday, my dad wanted to get me a car. I asked him for the truth. After a lot of fighting, my dad allowed a paternity test. I was not his child. Best part was dad didn't know who my biological father was. It took me another 6 months of screaming and shouting to find out the truth from my mom- her bff's husband. I flew 1000 miles, shook his hand, told the truth at his marriage anniversary in front of his near and dear ones and broke his jaw.

The greatest gift my dad gave me was the truth. I only wish he didn't have to suffer so much on my account.
 
#227 ·
"it's truly likely she may not remember details."

OK Hurtin'....that may be a possibility about some of the DETAILS.

But she hasn't even given you the NAME of the POS which she definitely has to know...there is no forgetting that.

So do not let up on her about this issue until she at the very least gives you the name of this POS scumbag.
 
#233 ·
He recently posted:
Re: Longest period in your marriage without sex
....well ...by my best guesstimate ....in about 3 minutes (+/- a half hour) ....it'll be 1 year with nadda ...zilch ....zero ....nothing.

....and it sucks beyond belief ...and I'm getting tired of waiting for her to show interest ....at all.
I suspect that StillHurtin could fix his marriage. It is up to him to show the way.

1) DNA test daughter. He can still love her, regardless of the results. But why live with this mystery. It is the source of anxiety.

Machiavelli would have noted that there is a plan here. There is a risk that his wife will soon divorce him since there children are all adults. They have other children, right?

2) OP would be come more attractive to his wife if he did not give a shyte. Not about the ONS or her. He has to detach to regain her interest.

neuklas did it. OP can.

If if doesn't work, they can divorce.

3) Stop nagging her. Nagging is unattractive. Since it hasn't helped quit doing it.
 
#236 ·
I have followed your thread since it started and what I can say is this: I do not understand you. I respect you, but I do not understand you.

I had to live with similar doubt very early on and refused point blank to do it - and love had nothing to do with it. I refused to destroy my soul anymore.

Even now, you need to be able to walk away from this "wonderful" wife of yours that knows she is destroying you from your inner core outwards and refuses to do anything about it or to even ease your pain.

You keep on about her smile, "kindness", financial contributions and being a great mother (by the way a great mother to a daughter she very possibly created with another man). I think that you were afraid to walk away from her at the time partly because you thought your sex rank was lower than hers and that you might not find someone as attractive again.

And this is the issue you need to work on now to restore your inner being - remove that fear! And the only way to do it now unfortunately is to actually walk away from her now. Tell her exactly why and then just do it. It will be painful at first but the amount of relief you feel to ease this inner resentment and turmoil will be pure heaven. I speak from experience.

She will continue to justify her actions and affair and keep you in the dark simply because you let her do this. Therapists cannot help you here. You need to help yourself.
 
#248 ·
This quote is spot on and the answer to your problem. Walk away find yourself again and in one year the only problem you will have is trying to understand why you didn't do that 17 years ago. You have tried everything else, you have nothing to lose. Happiness is waiting for you man!
 
#241 ·
What has your wife done during these hard times?
......although she has her own business, it brings in a fraction of the income we require. She ...for the most part ...has given little 'support' for my working two jobs. She'll criticize me ...saying that I brought this upon myself ...because I didn't finish college ....or, work to expand my engineering business. In my mind ..and maybe its an old-fashioned mind ....I believe that some form of praise should be thrown my way for working as hard as I have been to keep a roof over our heads. Yet, all I seem to get from her is, "what money do you have coming in or is owed to you".

There's been no sex in over a year ....no real physical affection ...and that begins to play with my mind. I trigger more often than before ....and it manifests itself more in the way of increased anger than anything else. Don't get me wrong ..I still 'hurt' ...but anger is the predominant emotion that comes to the surface these days. And yes ...I know that it's impacting my health. I can feel my blood pressure spike when my mind starts to race with either trigger-like thoughts ...or of the complete indifference she seems to exhibit toward the impacts of all of this on me.
 
#240 ·
Damn how have I never seen this thread before? Dude, drop kick her out the front door. You've been trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip for years and you're angry that you still can't get any blood to come out??

Your wife is not going to feel the way you want her to feel. Never. That should be clear at this point. What you need to decide is if you can live with it or not. Your wife obviously can.

And I don't understand how you can give an ultimatum to your childhood friend, follow through on it, shut her out of your life, all over a slight made against your wife (who I somewhat doubt would do the same for you); and yet you won't even take half as hard of an approach in regards to your wife. And never have :scratchhead:

Like someone else said, your wife has faced no consequences for what she has done. Show her divorce papers and her memory will clear up real quick and she'll realize you're serious and not just throwing a tantrum or she'll continue to play the victim like she's used to. Either way you'll at least be trying something different.
 
#257 ·
...."children" are 30, 26, and 19. The oldest was out of the house for about 2 yrs ...and is back again due to his apartment going condo ...and he didn't have the funds to "buy-in" ...so he's back with us. The middle child was out of the house for several months ...and due to a roommate moving away ...is back again. And the youngest is in college ...living there ...but is back sometimes.

....we were "empty nesters" ....for about 5 months ...and I really thought it would have been a time to work stuff out and re-connect.
 
#243 ·
No amount of therapy is going to heal you unless your basic requirements are met by your wife, that is complete honesty, remorse and openness from her side..

Many people have a limit of tolerance towards a non remorseless spouse, I dont see any limit in you. You are going to live in this bitterness for rest of your life.

Why cant you get a Divorce?
 
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