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When you find out the 'details' of the PA....

96K views 265 replies 76 participants last post by  nuclearnightmare 
#1 ·
....does it ever make sense, or serve a purpose, to never want to replicate, duplicate, perform, act out ...etc ...in any manner, way, form that to other POS did with your wife, partner, etc?

...after 17 years, the anger about my wife's (supposed) one nighter with someone else finally boiled over. Before you look twice...yes, I said 17 years. We have been together ever since that "indiscretion" ...and I took a path to reconciliation. But, she never was 'made' to disclose details about what led her to sleep with someone else, or the 'dirty deed" itself. She, to this day, claims that she'd have a hard time telling me his name ...although I am sure that she withheld this info for fear that I'd hunt him down and kill him....or something really painful.

...this all has been brought to the front burner by:

1: My lack of trust in her (she played the trust card in our marriage ...and it's been in the discard pile ever since.)

2: She's planned a 5 night getaway in Fla with 5 of her HS girlfriends ...which ...brings to a boil issue #1.

My anger lately has been so off the charts that it's prompted her to give me an ultimatum regarding ...getting some professional help ...and, getting on some form of medication(s) to help me deal with the anger that's been festering for so long. The ultimatum was basically, get help ...stop ...fix this ...or I'm leaving to get an apartment ...taking daughter(s) .[one is 17, the other 23].

....let's start with this ...I want to be head over heals in love with her. It physically hurts to deal with the emotion associated with the thought of another guy touching her. I'm probably shortening my lifespan for enduring this level of hurt and the affiliated hostility. It's probably not a good thing either that in lieu of having "real meds" ...I prefer to have a few shots of bourbon every so often to numb the pain.

...we had a LONG talk about this today ...because she wouldn't get out of my face until we did. And as such, I got more and more angry with her that ...for lack of a better way of saying it ....she just wouldn't let me be angry because if was affecting her.

....I spilled my guts again ...and I demanded answers. I wanted to know what this other guys name was, where he lived, etc. Her answer, "does it really matter 17 years later"? I did the whole explanation to her about what SHOULD have happened back then on D-Day ...including disclosure, details, names, addresses, phone numbers, no contact statements...etc. (too bad TAM didn't exist then). She remained clueless ...thinking ."it's over...let's move on".

...I told her ..."you and I were the only people that each of us had ever slept with ...and you told me that you you had to love someone in order to sleep with them"...." what could someone possibly say to you to make you sleep with them after just meeting them"? She told me that he said, "I want you". That's it....3 simple words. 3 words that if I ever had the inclination to WANT to say to my wife at an opportune moment ...will NEVER EVER say to her.

....so the question I have for those that have stayed with a wayward spouse, "are you afraid to say or do anything that will remind you partner of the other man/woman".

...I was told by my wife today ...that because I wanted the 'details"...that "you are sick and need serious help". Well ...from what I've read regarding the topic ...I guess I'm not alone in my state of sickness.
 
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#244 ·
How many times do you think she cheated ? Do you think it was just once ? And what were the circumstances ?

I don't blame you for being very upset and not taking BS anymore but you need to be careful. What occurred with your wife is on her, it's not on all of these other people and your retaliating or bad temperament among friends (even those who may have helped you in the past or a childhood girlfriend) isn't deserved by them any more than your being cheated on was deserved by you.

I had a close friend who we all helped after he came home from work and found his wife in bed with another guy. It destroyed him but his anger showed through in everything he did and soon after, he had no more friends. He at least divorced the cheater but it is something for you to think about.

Yes you have to evaluate the marriage and it may seem harsh to her to can her after 20 years after a one night stand but maybe the threat will make her reveal more about what she did. If not, and she keeps up her stoic attitude, you might have to move on through D or IC.

Her attitude is piss poor
 
#259 ·
How many times do you think she cheated ? Do you think it was just once ? And what were the circumstances ?

I don't blame you for being very upset and not taking BS anymore but you need to be careful. What occurred with your wife is on her, it's not on all of these other people and your retaliating or bad temperament among friends (even those who may have helped you in the past or a childhood girlfriend) isn't deserved by them any more than your being cheated on was deserved by you.
...how many times DO I THINK? Once ...as she told me that it was a ONS ....but ...when all the details are not on the table ....what I think, believe, think I believe, or don't believe at all ....seem to roll into one big frikkin' mess.

...and regarding ending the friendship with the childhood girlfriend ....she actually had it coming to her. Her sharp tongue has gotten her in trouble so many times before ....and this was ...I guess ...the last straw.




no sex in a year. That's not right for her to block you that way. Do you think she's checked out or do you think she's up to no good ? Not to trigger you but just asking
.....oh ...I'm not sure that "checked out" is in play here ...nor do I think that she's up to "no good". But ...(and this is classic) ....when I confronted her recently about the aftermath of one of her therapy sessions [brought about by a discussion of my often negative and angry demeanor]....I said: "Oh ...well ...have you mentioned in therapy that we hadn't had sex in 13+ months"?

....the "classic" part is the answer she gave ...which was: "Why would I want to have sex with someone who's angry all the time"?

....I really had no answer for her because my lower jaw was on the ground. What I WANTED to blurt out were the many cliche` answers that raced through my head relating to cause and affect ....action and reaction .....but all that I really wanted to do was revert to my 3rd grade level of comebacks and say ..."Well ...you started it"!!!

...it's her opinion that I need to fix myself ...and she can't do it for me ....or even help to do so.



HS, I have read your entire thread. Your W has not supported you in resolving this since it started. That my friend is no W IMO. It appears your W is all about herself. And to further that notion with the quoted post above...you two are effectively room mates. Your are a paycheck and nothing more. Once again, your W is all about herself. If my math is correct your kids are 18+ now. Consider moving on. Seriously, who needs to be brow beaten over what money you are bringing in after being summarily dismissed over infidelity over 18 years ago. And to add...the belittlement concerning not finishing college and the reason your home business is dying a slow death. Last time I checked the country was on a brink of disaster 6 years ago. We are still crawling out from under it. It has nothing to do with your education.
....agree with your comment related to the still struggling economy. It'd be nice (wishful thinking I suppose)...if instead of the criticism related to one below average year of my business ...that I'd get praise for starting the damn company less than 24 hrs after being laid-off ...from a job I had for 12 years ....where the client base I have sought me out the day after I was let go ...and enabled me to take over $500K out of the pockets of my former company ...because my clients were mostly clients of the old company who were seriously miffed that I was let go.

....yup ...a "way to go" ...'attaboy' .....or "good job" would have been nice to hear .....as would some positive pat on the back for working 2 jobs to keep us afloat this past year. I will admit that the second job pretty much fell in my lap at a time of the greatest financial struggle. But ...you do what you must when you want to keep a roof over your head ...and the lights on and food on the table. (be nice to hear "How are you" when I got home after working yesterday in 8° degree weather. But I guess she was angry or something? :scratchhead:
 
#246 ·
It's hard to read what you are going through, it brings back some old memories. I can't imagine 17 years, 5 were too much for me. My ex-wife wanted to sweep her 6 month affair (After 1 year of marriage)under the rug and then accuse me of being ridiculous for not letting it go.... At the time I was convinced that I was in the wrong for working 2 jobs, not being there for her and that I should be able to move on if I really loved her. She didn't want to talk about it so we didn't. I had so much resentment and anger built up that I just couldn't deal with it any more. I could never understand how she did what she did, and couldn't she see how much I loved her and how much I did for our family? I loved my wife, but I also feel that after being cheated on it seemed to magnify how much I wanted to be with her. Strange, I'm not sure if it was my personality or what. It's like "You want what you can't have mentality". In this case I wanted a perfect relationship we had when we first met. (5 Years later) Finally while picking up dog poop in the yard one evening(Sh**ty life irony), I made the decision not to live like that any more. I realized I had a choice and after 5 years and still not feeling closure and reciprocation of my love I stopped giving a Sh#@. What happened a couple months later I am not proud of(I had my own affair) I did not go out and try to get revenge or anything, it just happened. When that happened I understood exactly what she had been going through when she had the affair on me. It wasn't planned, it usually starts out as something harmless, and bam you are in a full on affair. Being infatuated with someone or caught up in the moment makes it easy to make mistakes. It's hard to explain unless you live through it but I will try. It was so clear that while having an affair, although it's an extremely personal hit to the spouse being cheated on, I didn't feel vindictive while having the affair. I finally understood how she felt and I didn't take it so personal, it was just something that happened. I know 6 months is very personal, but I strangely understood and I wasn't angry anymore. Sorry, it is very hard to explain! Maybe it will make sense to someone! Anyway, with that clarity we amicably made a joint decision to get a divorce. Do you feel like the stress of this affair is the reason for all the turmoil in the relationship with your wife? No sex in a year is brutal, that is definitely not good!
 
#251 ·
i just read all your post and let me give you the facts that you already know:
-she cheated while married
-she called you weird for wanting to know detail about the affair
-she didn't even told you the name of the OM
-sex 0 to 6 in year (0 this year )
-she's overweight

well i guess you won the jackpot my friend she had it all congratulation!
 
#252 ·
Do something to help with the anger.

Something productive not that will get you into trouble.

Take a wake, file for divorce, ask your wife for an std test, or do a DNA test on your daughter without anyone else knowing.

How can she still go to counseling with the lack of funds and the lack of remorst?

The anger thing needs to be controlled. It can get you into big trouble.
 
#253 ·
I think the main question you have to ask yourself is if this is how she is here and now. It doesn't seem like she is going to change at all. No matter how angry and pissed off you feel about life right now-she may not change. It hasn't happened yet. If you want to keep feeling this way; albeit this doesn't seem to be doing yourself any favors at all, then keep on keeping on. So cliche and repeated all the time; but you can change you. You can decide if you can accept that this might be the status quo as long as you are married and together with her. Maybe that is the right choice for you. Maybe not. Your decision of course. No sex for a year though~will this be the marriage from now on? The intimacy is gone. I am so sorry that you have been feeling this way; the anger is a *****. But it doesn't have to be like this the rest of your life if you don't want it to.
 
#260 ·
Hurtin Still, did you read my last post ? Any comments on it ?

Why don't you just walk away from her ? Try it - nothing else seems to be working so why not?

I have a strong feeling that it will get you some results.
 
#261 ·
Hurtin,

You keep waiting for HER to do something.

She has already shown you for close to 18 years now that she is NEVER going to do anything to ease your pain or show you basic respect on her own.

My friend,

You're only chance of breaking this limbo h&ll that is slowly killing you (in reality actually with the stress/BP) is for you to channel that anger you are feeling into decisive action.

Print out D paperwork for your state, sit her down, and tell her in no uncertain terms...she either shows you the respect you deserve by giving you the info you need to heal and put this in the past, or you will begin to fill out the papers that instant.

Right now, she not only feels confident that she can defy you and you will do nothing, she even feels confident enough to PLAY THE VICTIM with you for the state of the M today.

Oh...and stop the anxiety of worrying about the paternity of your youngest daughter....do the DNA test already.

No matter how painful it is, it is always better to know and live the truth in life.

Living in doubt and denial is not mentally healthy at all.
 
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