My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:24 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

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This is WAY off the mark. There is NEVER blame to be placed on the BS when a WS chates. NEVER. To even imply blame to a BS when they've just found out is horrible.
As I clearly said in my post it doesnt give him the right to do that and my take on it might prove too harsh to someone, bam...hello someone!

I am not blaming her, of course not. But sometimes there is more to a story. I believe she posted here to get advice, opinion, point of view. We are all different, think differently. One can only try to take away what they seem to suit them best from these postings and do what they feel is best for them and their family.

I have been through a similar situation with my partner and after the initial anger, pain, frustration, etc I forgave him, because that suited us best. I forgave but never forgot. Our relationship has become stronger for it, we are an awesome team, and been for many years. It is partially thanks to me having this sudden urge of confidence, etc...It's not say I trust him, I dont trust anyone, not even myself. As we are human beings, we behave incredibly different under pressure and in different situations.

I now understand he did what he did to see what it is like to be with someone else, are you childhood sweethearts that he feels like he hasnt had enough experience with others?!

It also sounds like it would be difficult for you to separate as you are pretty tied there with his work. no family, etc...

I still say, knowing it is very fresh, allow yourself a few days to feel angry, sad, hurt, etc...then try to get strength from whatever helps you and make fundamental changes that will surprise him. Take it from there....

Once again I would like to say I am not accusing you of any wrongdoing, I am merely trying to figure this situation out and perhaps help a bit along the way, even if it is by giving a perspective many frown upon.

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post #17 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

I did tell him to move out on Friday. He told me this was his house. I told him I wasn't yanking Oldest out of school because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

He is minimizing. I'm reacting badly. It's all a very big disaster that I am in no way prepared to deal with.
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post #18 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:28 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

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I did tell him to move out on Friday. He told me this was his house. I told him I wasn't yanking Oldest out of school because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

He is minimizing. I'm reacting badly. It's all a very big disaster that I am in no way prepared to deal with.
So he moves into another room then. Preferably the basement, on the floor, with a thin blanket.

He really doesn't get it here. STOP having sex with him.

Why do you think you're reacting badly? Your WORLD just caved in on top of you.

Is there ANYONE that can take the kids for a day or two? What if you called your parents and told them what happened? Not necessarily the details, but that your husband has been unfaithful and you need them right now.

Where did you live when this happened?
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post #19 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

No sex, no touching no nothing. I won't even say I love you back even though he says it eleven million times a day. He's in the basement on the futon but he keeps trying. He thinks that if we go back to the hugging, kissing, sex times then everything will fall back into place and his life will be happy again. So he keeps at me and at me until I blow up and it's another fight.

I live in a tiny town in Northern Alberta. My family is in Texas. It isn't financially feasible for them to come at this time or for me to go there due to Oldest still being in school.

Right now we have this somewhat co-existance happening with him professing every time he looks at me that he loves me and doesn't want me to leave (unless we are fighting then he says maybe we should separate). I'm trying to do my normal things (work, kids, house, dog, whatever) and he's making it near impossible.

I've seen a mental health counselor twice. When he broke the news to me, a few days later we were talking and he said if I left he would probably kill himself. I told him that wasn't fair.

He tells me that our family's happiness is in my hands. That I'm the only one that can save "us". That I have to make the decision to forgive him and get past it.
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post #20 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:42 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Hope1964:"STOP having sex with him."

Couldn't agree more. The emotions are not in the right place...It can damage you even more.

Dont let him make your feel like you absolutely have to forgive him in order to help the family, etc...You will do all that in your own time. Forgiving helped me, not my partner. I felt better after that, I did it on my own terms.

You should see a marriage counsellor together.
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post #21 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:52 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

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When he broke the news to me, a few days later we were talking and he said if I left he would probably kill himself. I told him that wasn't fair.
Classic manipulation. And also pure and utter bullsh!t.

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He tells me that our family's happiness is in my hands. That I'm the only one that can save "us". That I have to make the decision to forgive him and get past it.
This is also pure and utter bullsh!t. HE is the one who can save it, NOT you. HE is the one who blew things up by sticking his penis in another womans vagina. DO NOT fall for this crap.

Tell him that he either steps up to the plate here or you are DONE. Does he make good money? If so, why can't he pay for your parents to come up? Tell him it's either that or he moves to a hotel, or you start D. You have GOT to exert some consequences here, or he's going to gaslight you and keep rugsweeping.

Have you read the links yet?

BTW I am in Alberta also Edmonton.
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post #22 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:59 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Just because the housing is in his name doesn't mean he can't move into another place. It's not like someone from his workplace stops by every week to check in on him, do they?

What about suggesting to him that he move into an extended stay hotel or something? Realistically, neither of you can force the other one out. But if he's truly remorseful, he'll do what he needs to do to help you heal. And if that means living without the comforts of home while he gives you space, then so be it.

Would you say one of you is the primary care giver to the children? Stability for the kids should be a high priority as well.

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post #23 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

I'm north of Slave Lake

I know it's all bull****. Yet he keeps at me. He wants me to say "We can do this! We can get past this!" and I don't know if it's true or if I even want to anymore.

The reality is my marriage has sucked for a very long time. And it's sucked because of him and his attitude towards marriage. He wanted the fun single life with a wife and kids.To do and go wherever whenever.

He's been insanely jealous almost our entire marriage (now I know why...). He's forever saying he's "scared" that i will find someone else. He's horribly jealous over any male friends I have. It's been a very long road of bitter disappointment being married to this man.

Kids=me. I am the primary caregiver. His job takes him away from home for weeks at a time. I've been a SAHM for years before finding my job (which I do from home to stay with the 3 year old). Our 3 year old doesn't want hardly anything to do with him and our 6 year old is terrified of him. He's never hit them, he just yells a lot.
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post #24 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:10 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

So. It really sounds like you'd be better off without him, sorry to say. You sound done.

Where would YOU like to live?
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post #25 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:16 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

What he means is HE can get past this. You get to decide if you can get past it.

If he's gone for weeks at a time, it makes even more sense for him to move into a hotel temporarily. Are there any of those around? And if I was you, I'd be talking to a lawyer to understand your rights and responsibilities. For example, what your financial situation would be if you got divorced. And whether you'd be able to move to civization. Once you get the facts, you can make decisions. On the plus side, if you work from home, I'm thinking you could work from home no matter where you live? That gives you a bit more flexibility.

Btw, I'm also from Edmonton, but I've lived in Grande Prairie and I've had summer jobs that involved travelling all over NW Alberta.

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post #26 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

I do sound done. I feel done. I just don't know if it's wise to trust these feelings. I was ready to leave, started apartment looking and got scared.

Really scared. Everything was changing so fast. and suddenly I wasn't ready for all the change.

My parents tell me I can get over this, I can get past it and be happy if I try. The reality is every time I look at him, I see him screwing her. I don't know how to get past that.
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post #27 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:24 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Huh, he doesnt sound like an ideal husband, lover, soul mate, best friend, father at all.

Making your children scared of him is just about the worst thing he can do to them. My mother stayed in a marriage where the guy yelled a lot, I was petrified of him, which resulted in me never learning how to stand up for myself (luckily that changed), suffered from extreme anxiety, insomnia as a child and I still bear the scars of that period.

By you saying you are your children's primary caretaker I think it is fair to sayit means a lot to you how they grow up, what people they become. It is a toxic environment for them, not worthy of saving by the sounds of it.

Overly jealous people are that way because they themselves are doing something they shouldnt be. Had a boyfriend who was crazy possessive, jealous, etc...turned out he cheated on me 26 times over a 6 year period! Shocking, hey? Needless to say as soon as I learnt of his antiques I moved out and restarted my life from zero with no help from anyone. Was hard but I never felt that empowered and strong in my life! The weight lifting off my shoulders was huge!

Try talking to your parents about where you could possibly move to, if they could help you out financially at the beginning, just until you settle? Talk to your best friends, siblings, who should truly show their support to you in a moment of need.

Dont be afraid of coming across as someone who cant manage on her own, or might be seen as a failure (as I was by my own mother!) ask for help, more people are willing to chip in than you think!

Letting go of this man might just be the single most valuable thing you will ever do in your life. There are organizations that help women who are divorced, single mothers....research these too. Claim benefits if need be and you are entitled to them.

If he is jealous, your marriage has been bad for some time, he cheated on you with a prostitute, he yells a lot, your child is scared of his/her own father (the man who should protect him/her and make him/her feel safe) what exactly is keeping you with him?

Love? Being used to him, to the situation? Afraid of moving on? Not wanting to separate the children from their father? Feeling lonely and scared?

I usually do an exercise when I have to decide something that I am rather confused about. I get a piece of paper out and make two columns, negative and positive. Then I give myself 10mins on each. Arguments for staying with him and arguments against it.
If the negativ part is longer you know what to do.
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post #28 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:26 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Well,he is repeating exactly what happened in his parents marriage.
Strange how i've seen this happen many times with friends.

There's no excuse your husband can give you that justifies
him cheating on you.

Until he takes, full blame for doing this to you he will never change.

I'm so sorry for you.You just have to decide to stay with him
or divorce him.He has two small kids,sad this is so wrong.
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post #29 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:27 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

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I do sound done. I feel done. I just don't know if it's wise to trust these feelings. I was ready to leave, started apartment looking and got scared.

Really scared. Everything was changing so fast. and suddenly I wasn't ready for all the change.

My parents tell me I can get over this, I can get past it and be happy if I try. The reality is every time I look at him, I see him screwing her. I don't know how to get past that.
One thing that seems common is that the betrayed goes through a roller coaster of emotions, particularly in the beginning. From being done to can't imagining life on their own and then back to being done. Making a decision during one of those peaks will cause you to doubt yourself during one of those valleys.

Part of taking your time is allowing these to settle so you feel better about the decision that you make.

I am sorry you are dealing with this and wish you luck.
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post #30 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:29 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

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Originally Posted by GotMilk0302 View Post
I do sound done. I feel done. I just don't know if it's wise to trust these feelings. I was ready to leave, started apartment looking and got scared.

Really scared. Everything was changing so fast. and suddenly I wasn't ready for all the change.

My parents tell me I can get over this, I can get past it and be happy if I try. The reality is every time I look at him, I see him screwing her. I don't know how to get past that.
Have you read my story? And the other links? I was done on D day. Kicked him out. Lived apart for a few months. but that was the kick in the pants he needed to step up. It isn't something that can't be undone, IF you choose to later, and IF he steps up. Which I highly doubt he will.

I second the suggestion of getting a lawyer.
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