My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:32 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

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Originally Posted by GotMilk0302 View Post
I do sound done. I feel done. I just don't know if it's wise to trust these feelings. I was ready to leave, started apartment looking and got scared.

Really scared. Everything was changing so fast. and suddenly I wasn't ready for all the change.

My parents tell me I can get over this, I can get past it and be happy if I try. The reality is every time I look at him, I see him screwing her. I don't know how to get past that.
If you read my last posting about a partner of mine who I literally gave my life to by leaving my country and family behind only for him to cheat on me like there is no tomorrow then you will see you can overcome anything! I got out of that with truly no money and nobody standing by me, not even my friends as they deserted me in my moments of depression. I had a nervous breakdown that saw me end up in hospital, that was a wake up call that told me: Was I really born for this? Seriously?
I left the hospital, went to pscyhotherapist for years, got a job, accommodation and slowly my life was back on track, found new friends, etc...

You are a woman, a mother, a daughter. None of those roles require you being treated disrespectfully.

Listen to awesome music that inspires, it helped me a lot. If you are religious pray for strength to make this change happen. Start running or some exercise if you are not doing anything in that area. Do whatever it takes, never ever let anyone tell you that you cant do something. Unless you try you will never know and live with the regret of not trying forever. Not to mention with the possible resentment from your children for making them live through this horrendous period.

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post #32 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

The normal drivel. He says he was stupid back then. That he was blind to our family. That he knows what he has now and he wants to do whatever it takes to make it up to me (and the kids). He wants to change, he wants to go forward.

He said his parent's divorce really screwed up his head. That he had a lot of hurt and anger inside. I've heard enough excuses to last a lifetime.

I'm terrified of change. This is what I know. What I'm use to. The idea of different puts me in a panic.
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post #33 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:40 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

You said you talked to a couple of counselors. Maybe it's time to talk to them again, in addition to the lawyer. Give yourself that push.

Don't think of change as = bad. Think of it as = GOOD. You want to make positive changes. You want to take steps UP.
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post #34 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:44 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

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He straight up told me that the reason he did it was because we've been together for so long and he wanted to know what it was like to have sex with someone else.

Our housing situation is complicated. We live in a tiny northern Canada town. Our house is a job perk due to his work. We don't own it. My family is thousands of miles away. I'm literally alone here. No real friends.

The confession now? Was to relieve his guilt. so we could get past it and move on. That's what he told me.
Moving on is difficult work. And takes a very long time. Years usually. Getting trust back is tough.

And he will need to do the heavy lifting --- meaning whatever it is you need from him to heal your marriage.

Many people successfully reconcile and you can be one of them.
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post #35 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 12:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

I do. I'm tired of living like this. It isn't just his infidelity with a hooker. It's a lot deeper than that.

I told him I wish he had kept it to himself. That while things were not great, they were not this. At this moment if I was truly honest with myself, I don't want to live here anymore. Not right now. Maybe not ever. He says he's changed but I haven't seen it. He's nicer to the kids, that's about it.

I don't eat anymore. I've lost weight. My head hurts all the time. I got drunk last Friday (I'm not a huge drinker). We fight all the time. My kid is being affected, my work is being affected. It's horrible.
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post #36 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 02:27 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

First, if he's not doing everything you ask, then he's not serious. By refusing to move out temporarily, or at least to give you some space by moving into another room and leaving you alone, he's simply asking you to sweep this under the rug. That's not helpful. If you allow him to sweep this under the rug, you'll hate yourself for not standing up for yourself when you had the chance. And he'll feel emboldened by getting away with minimal consequences for cheating on you.

So, I would give him a list of requirements that you have in order to work on your marriage. Tell him that if he refuses to work on your list, then you will definitely divorce him. And if he does work on your list, then you might divorce him. And that's the best he can do right now. The best he can hope for is that you're willing to consider staying married to him.

Stop fighting with him. Stay cool. Try to keep your kids calm. If he yells, ask him to leave. Tell him you'll talk to him when he's calm.

Good luck.
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post #37 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 02:54 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

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I told him I wish he had kept it to himself.
No you don't. not really. Plus by telling him this, the chances he will ever admit there's more went from almost zero to negative a hundred.
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post #38 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 05:01 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

PHT is right. If he's not doing everything... EVERYTHING you ask... he's not serious about R.

I thought about my situation long and hard last night (it's similar to yours... prostitutes, sex forums, massage parlors, sexting) and this is what I came up with, which directly applies to you:

You love him. You would have loved him until the day you die. You gave your life to him. You trusted him. But HE KEEPS HURTING YOU!!! He has done it over and over and over again! It's SO hard to love someone who keeps hurting you!

I stuck in it for 6 mo after DDay becuase: 1) the initial shock rendered my thought process in a state of chaos and I needed time ot digest and comprehend what he did, and 2) I thought I was a strong enough person to possibly R and get over it. Except he did it again. And again. He continued to hurt me. He continued to put me last place to his friends, his parties, and even his cell phone. I came in LAST PLACE. He always put himself first, then came everyone else, then came his possessions, then came me and the marriage. There is a word for that... its "SELFISH."

I swear, there's only so much a person can take before they have to step back and protect themselves from this person who keeps hurting them. I am now that person. I will not R with my WH. I am done. He has abused me and even though I love him beyond belief, I cannot take another second of this hurt. I'll have to start over and find someone who won't hurt me like this.

I suggest you think long and hard about what you can tolerate and what you can't tolerate. Sure, change is scary as h*ll, but if you're ever going to be happy again... if you're ever going to stop this pain... you pretty much have no choice. Change your plans.. your old life had him in it. Take him out and create a new life for yourself and your kids. Hang in there. It's an impossibly difficult process, but what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

Last edited by Love2326; 03-12-2013 at 05:10 PM.
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post #39 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:38 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Sometimes its worth remembering that when we think and feel that we are in love with the person who constantly hurts us, in fact we are in love with the idea of a great husband, a stable family home, the safety it provides and not the man himself.

Think about this, when your children grow up, would you like them to continue in a relationship like yours if it hurts them? I am guessing not. So then love and respect yourself enough to get out of it.

I so hope you will manage for the sake of your own self worth and sanity, not to mention your children.

He just doesnt sound like he is ready to fully cooperate, he should be on his tiptoes waiting on you, like my partner did when I gave him an ultimatum and showed I am strong not like before.

If you choose to work it out, you must be prepared to give him an ultimatum that you are not scared to follow through should the time come.

If you choose to leave think about the amazing times ahead with your children that wont be spent in a toxic environment. Invest in all your family's and friends' help.
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post #40 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-13-2013, 12:33 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Good luck that's a tough one!! I would say he seems sincere why would he say anything if no? I for one have always been in the ingnorance is bliss camp especially for ONS, so why he would say something is beyond me!

The guilt would seem to be real yet almost as selfish as the act itself.

The other qualities you describe aren't nearly as endearing! Good luck in your choice I truly believe it was meaningless to him. Guys can be idiots sometimes and what he imagined in his mind was obviously a farce. Good luck to the both of you ESPECIALLY YOU!!


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post #41 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-13-2013, 01:31 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

It sounds like you just need a break to think things over. Do you have any friends near by you can stay with for awhile?
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post #42 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-13-2013, 03:28 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Well, you can talk us and we will listen. , First off, you are going to HAVE to understand that CHANGE will happen in your life. Like it or not, it is going to happen. How you deal with the change is what makes you the person you are.

Second, I would recommend you wait on baling from the marriage. Get you head together and see what your options are. See how you feel about your husband in about four months.

Keep us posted on what is going on.

Just my 2 cents David
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post #43 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:22 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Hi I have the similar story. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we have 2 children. I found out 4 days ago that he had sex with a hooker when he went on vacation (Vietnam) It was 3 months after the wedding. I found the text msg that he was bragging to his friend that he had 3 girlfriends over there and a booty call. I asked him about it he said it wasn't true he was just bragging until my biggest fear question was " you didn't...did you?" I didn't even have to say the whole sentence but I already saw the answer in his eyes. He said ha had a hooker once. I asked him how did he do do this to me. He said he never considered me as his wife for the first few months. My visa was going to be expired he wanted me to stay so he did me a favor, he never wanted to be married that young. Yes, the marriage is for immigrantion purposes but we were dating and fell in love with each other was real. At least for me it was. The part that hurts even more is that he was not sorry about it, if he can turn back time he would have done it anyway.
Am I overreact? I don't have any clue what's to do! All I know is I felt like I got locked up in this torture chamber ever since. Every time he comes near me my brain keep picturing him with the hooker. Am I gonna leave and threw these 11 years away or stay in the torture chamber until I get over it. What would you do.
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post #44 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Hi I have the similar story. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we have 2 children. I found out 4 days ago that he had sex with a hooker when he went on vacation (Vietnam) It was 3 months after the wedding. I found the text msg that he was bragging to his friend that he had 3 girlfriends over there and a booty call. I asked him about it he said it wasn't true he was just bragging until my biggest fear question was " you didn't...did you?" I didn't even have to say the whole sentence but I already saw the answer in his eyes. He said ha had a hooker once. I asked him how did he do do this to me. He said he never considered me as his wife for the first few months. My visa was going to be expired he wanted me to stay so he did me a favor, he never wanted to be married that young. Yes, the marriage is for immigrantion purposes but we were dating and fell in love with each other was real. At least for me it was. The part that hurts even more is that he was not sorry about it, if he can turn back time he would have done it anyway.
Am I overreact? I don't have any clue what's to do! All I know is I felt like I got locked up in this torture chamber ever since. Every time he comes near me my brain keep picturing him with the hooker. Am I gonna leave and threw these 11 years away or stay in the torture chamber until I get over it. What would you do.
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post #45 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:27 PM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Will he go to affair -recovery .com?

Seems like he should be willing to pay for it.

You can find the company online. Maybe that could help.

Sorry for your pain.
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