My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 10:18 AM Thread Starter
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My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Hello all. I'm just going to spill my guts out and if anyone has any advice, I'm more than willing to listen.

About a year and a half ago my husband paid to have sex with a stripper. He took his brother out to a strip club (I didn't know about that) and took the stripper to a hotel and had full blown out sex.

He told me he took his wedding ring off before going into the club so he would have better chances of taking someone home.

He took this money out of our children's mouths (no really. Money was tight and we were having trouble meeting ends so to speak).

He says he doesn't know when the idea came to him to do this, but that he did get the idea of what it would be like to be with someone else.

He said he didn't know if I was the one for him (we've been together 10 years--married for less than one when this incident occured). We have two children. He says now he does know and wants us to be happy together.

He confessed all this because he said the guilt was eating him alive. He was borderline crazy jealous over everything I did--projection he said on his part.

I want to leave. I want to stay. I don't know anymore. This is someone I gave 1000% trust to. I would have assumed he would have murdered 80 people before believing he was a cheater. His parent's marriage busted up over cheating. The whole time we've been together, he's always said cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone.

And now he's done it to me. I don't know what to think or feel. A part of me wants to get out. Now. A part of me wants to stay. A part of me doesn't know.

He says he's sorry. Really sorry. He says he won't ever do it again, that he feels terrible but he knows we can get past this. It's been two weeks since he told me and I'm not any closer to being past it. I'm still so hurt and angry.

Advice?

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post #2 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 10:33 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Get tested for STD's. If he paid for one he's probably paid for more. Your husband obviously is out of control sexually. It would be one thing if he was pursuing someone he was emotionally attached to. This is just straight up sexual dysfunction. Get tested and get out.

If you decide to stay with this man demand that he turn over all electronic devices, with passwords, email accounts, text messages , phone bills. You need to know a hell of a lot more than just what he has told you. You need to operate like your Husband is a stranger. Don't believe anything he says until you have concrete proof in your hands.

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post #3 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 10:39 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Why would he confess now? My guess is that someone threatened to tell you, or you were bound to find out some other way. The STD testing is imperative.

My husband got a bj from a hooker in June 2010.

I suggest that your husband go to see a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT) and be evaluated for sexual addiction, because there are probably a whole lot of other behaviours that you do not know about.

He should move out. You need time to recover. He should be willing to hand you his balls on a silver platter right now. There are YEARS of recovery ahead of you - either he is in it for the long haul or he's outta there. Have a read at my story - we're 3 years out from the first D day and it's been super tough.
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post #4 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 10:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

He says this is the one and only time. How do I know that? Our sex life was fine before hand--once a day average.

This wasn't a "wasn't getting any" situation.

STD test is done. Waiting on the results.
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post #5 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 10:52 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

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Originally Posted by GotMilk0302 View Post
He says this is the one and only time. How do I know that?
You don't. That's the whole point. You cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth, and until he GETS that, you can't reconcile. That's why I say kick him out. He deserves it, and you need time.

He needs some serious help. He needs to truly want to change, and the only way he can do that is with help, from a professional. CSAT's are trained to extract the truth - many use polygraphs. If your husband isn't willing to submit to that, then he's still lying.

Stop thinking about your husband as he was. That was a lie. You do not know this man. This man is capable of depths of deceit you have never dreamed of.

It really really sucks, but it's true
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post #6 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 10:54 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

Hi,

First I would like to say how sorry I am to hear what happened to you. Secondly I say - and this might sound harsh - it takes two to tango.

Have you thought about why your husband might have gone and done that? Im not saying anything (lack of intimacy, confidence, etc) on your part justifies his behaviour but it might have given him the push to do something so awful that he has regretted.
The fact that it has been hurting him as well should be a bit ofma condolence, in a sense that he recognised he made a mistake. Sadly as you also have two children, his self gratifying behaviour doesnt exactly make him Daddy of the year! Do the children feel the difference in his behaviour (if there is any)? Children are funny like that, they sense things as Im sure you know.

Moral dilemma here is the following, are you going to stay with someone who so betrayed your trust for the possible sake of the children, your life together, your love for him? Or are you going to leave him, start a new life on your own with your two children ( I dont know your work situation) ?

I would do the following: and this is speaking from experience, give him a chance, tell him as it is, no sweet talk, be a super confident and awesome woman that couldnt care less about him ( on the surface), love your children, take good care of them as they might feel something is not quite right between the two of you, tell him this is his one and only chance, if he doesnt prove himself to you, you are history as men are queuing to be with someone like you (even if they arent). Try to go to a counsellor together, who can help you overcome this.

Have you also done an HIV test! Also just a general examination by your gyneocologist to ensure no herpes etc has been passed onto you. DEMAND that he goes and gets tested for all STD's, HIV, etc too! Make him show you the results.

Good luck to you, there is a lot to think through here. Also what works for one person might not work for another. Focus on yourself and your children and things will change!
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post #7 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

He straight up told me that the reason he did it was because we've been together for so long and he wanted to know what it was like to have sex with someone else.

Our housing situation is complicated. We live in a tiny northern Canada town. Our house is a job perk due to his work. We don't own it. My family is thousands of miles away. I'm literally alone here. No real friends.

The confession now? Was to relieve his guilt. so we could get past it and move on. That's what he told me.
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post #8 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:03 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

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Originally Posted by skyblue44 View Post
Hi,

First I would like to say how sorry I am to hear what happened to you. Secondly I say - and this might sound harsh - it takes two to tango.

Have you thought about why your husband might have gone and done that? Im not saying anything (lack of intimacy, confidence, etc) on your part justifies his behaviour but it might have given him the push to do something so awful that he has regretted.
This is WAY off the mark. There is NEVER blame to be placed on the BS when a WS chates. NEVER. To even imply blame to a BS when they've just found out is horrible.
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post #9 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:04 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

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Originally Posted by GotMilk0302 View Post
He straight up told me that the reason he did it was because we've been together for so long and he wanted to know what it was like to have sex with someone else.

Our housing situation is complicated. We live in a tiny northern Canada town. Our house is a job perk due to his work. We don't own it. My family is thousands of miles away. I'm literally alone here. No real friends.

The confession now? Was to relieve his guilt. so we could get past it and move on. That's what he told me.
Again, he is a proven liar. You can't believe anything he says. The ONLY thing that counts right now are his ACTIONS going forward.

Why are you saying what you are about your housing situation? Are you saying you can't kick him out?
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post #10 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:07 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

My advice is to wait. You've had your world turned upside down and you're reeling. You're not going to make a good decision right now. Whether you stay married, or divorce, you need to do it after sober reflection and you need to be 100% committed to your course of action. You should probably wait for several months before you decide what you ultimately want to do.

At a minimum, he needs to sleep in another room. He could also move out. This is for him as well as for you. You both need for him to experience some form of punishment. If you immediately sweep this under the rug and put on your best happy face, he will feel like he got away with it.

I think your attitude, at least the one you project his way, is that you intend to divorce him in a few months unless he can give you reason not to. Offer to work with him in therapy and a renewed focus on your marriage. But let him know that you expect a lot of heavy lifting on his part before you will consider staying married to him.

Also, he should be an open book to you. I mean total transparency. You should know where he is 24/7. If he leaves work, he texts you. If he stops for gas, he texts you. If he's going out with friends, well he can't do that. For quite a while, his world should be you and your children. He should either be at work, or with you and/or your kids.

The sad thing is that you will spend quite a few months or years doubting everything he says or does. The only way he can assuage your doubt is to give you all the reinforcement you need. If he lets you put a GPS tracker on his phone, then you can be confident that he's not visiting bars or hotels because you can check up on him.

Check the thread on surveillance for more tips on how to check up on him.

Good luck.

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post #11 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

That's exactly what I'm saying. The house is in his name through his work. If anyone leaves it will have to be me.

I've been apartment looking but it's scarce up here (Think really northern Canada). I'm scared to death of this. 10 years with this man is all I know. My oldest child has autism and isn't dealing well with anything. He does sense something is wrong. He's acting out in school and his grades are slipping.

His actions? His actions are He cries a lot. Gets angry at me sometimes for being so upset "it wasn't an affair..it was just a one time thing that didn't mean anything.." swings from "Maybe we should separate" to "Please don't leave". He wants to hug and cuddle and have sex and everything be the way it was before. I can't stand to have him touch me honestly. He got mad at me this morning because I put a password on my phone. I don't trust him not to sniff through my phone (nothing on there but a lot of crying to my friend).
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post #12 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:15 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

I could not forgive someone that planned something this hurtful in advance........

there may be exceptions like you cheated or betrayed him in some way....but other than that it is unforgiveable IMO

and to top it off he wasn't even man enough to carry the guilt. he dumped that on you as well.
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post #13 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:16 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

OK putting a password on your phone isn't a good idea. But that's the least of your worries right now.

Why can't you tell him to move out and see what he does? My bet is he gets mad, because it sounds like he really has NO idea of the seriousness of what he's done here. He is minimizing it. And if he does move out, then great. My husband meekly moved out and set himself up in an apartment, while continuing to pay the mortgage in our house, because he GOT IT.

At the VERY minimum, he should be sleeping in the doghouse.

Stop being afraid to stand up for yourself!!!

Please read the links in my signature. I think they all apply to your situation.
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post #14 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:22 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

You need to get to a counselor - stat! You're H just sounds all over the place and it is just too much for you to have to be his lifeline when you're reeling yourself.

Who knows what's going to happen? You don't have to know that right now. There's a freedom in that, too, GotMilk. You get time to figure things out. You may decide to stay or you may decide to go, but you don't have enough information to make that decision right now.

When my H left, the going advice was not to make any decisions for a year. It felt like a really long time, but it was actually very good advice.

You need to establish some boundaries, process what has happened, assess your H's behavior and its reflection on him and your marriage, and then make decisions.

But most importantly, take care of you.
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post #15 of 46 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:23 AM
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Re: My husband had sex with a prostitute. Now what?

I agree that you do NOT need to decide anything right now. Kicking him out is to give yourself the space you need without his drivel in your face all the time.
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