Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)
I am here because I am confused and I've gotten into a bad situation. I want to make a decision but I can't think straight or can't help to think that some of this is my fault. Me and the wife got caught up in a freaky mess and now it is destroying our marriage.
edit: Sorry but I just saw how long this is. I will try to make a summary so it can be easier. It just feels good to let this out and it's therapy in itself.
Around 2 years ago, our sex life became very stale. I tried to purchase different toys and learn new tricks to try to spice things up. I could tell my wife wasn't happy so I told her to open up to me about it. She admitted that it wasn't satisfying and she wanted to change things around. She asked me to have a 3 way with another man. I was totally against it and said that this isn't the answer
After that, we began to fight more and get more distant. Sex became less frequent and even worse than before. I thought long and hard about it and I finally told her that we can do it. The only conditions I gave her was that I would have to choose the man that we invited into our home. I also told her to keep this between us due to my reputation. I am a youth minister as well as a deacon at our church and I don't want to lose my position over my sex life. It was our business and I did it to save my marriage.
We searched a few classified ads and eventually found someone on craigslist. He sent me a pic and gave us references. He seemed too good to be true so we all went to dinner to get to know him better. For now, I will call him "Don".
So we meet Don and we all hit it off great. We have a lot of stuff in common and he has 2 kids from a previous marriage. We agreed on a date and he gave us a price which was reasonable. The day came and went and we had the 3 way. I would say that it was enjoyable for all 3 of us. He showed us many new things and made me and my wife very comfortable. He pleasured both of us and I had no regrets at the time. In fact, we continued this arrangement for about 2 months.
One Sunday, I told Don to meet me after church so we could go have a few drinks. We met and I thanked him for everything. I told him that we won't need him anymore since me and the wife found the spark that we were looking for. Don was a bit dissapointed but he understood. He said he was glad that he was helpful and that we could still be friends after this. I agreed (BIG BIG MISTAKE). We stayed at the bar for a few hours and got hammered before going our separate ways.
We hung out a few times after that and he even came to our house a few times for dinner. All 3 of us grew slower and had many laughs together. Another buddy of mine invited me to check out a new disco on a Saturday. I normally don't stay out too late on Saturdays since we have to get up early on Sunday. I invited Don to come since we were still good friends. We went to the Disco and had fun, drank, and acted out. I do admit that I drunk waaaaayyyy too much that night. I don't remember everything that happened but somehow, me and Don ended up in a corner making out. I do remember it being pretty intense and a lot of groping. After making out for a while, me and Don left the disco and went to the car.
Once inside, he was taking my clothes off and kissing me. I told him that it wasn't right and this wasn't how our relationship should be. I took me having to punch him in the face for him to wake up and realize that I didn't want to sleep with him. I called my friend that was still inside and told him that I will drop Don off at home and call it a night. I told Don that there were no hard feelings and that I was sorry if I led him on. He understood and we both agreed that we both had too much to drink that night.
My friend that was inside later told his wife what happened inside and his wife told another woman. Eventually my wife found out and the story she got was that me and Don had made out and went and had sex in a hotel. I told her that was not the case but she did not believe me. She knew that we hung out alot and that we were both attracted to him. I did admit to drinking too much and kissing him but I assured her that there was no sex involved. It pisses me off that she questioned him about it and even though she told me that she believes me, I don't think she ever did.
Now all of this happened more than a year ago.
Fast forward to today. I will say that I've been noticing changes in my wife. She has been waking up early to have more time to get ready for work. She has also been dressing way nicer and having a little too much confidence. I asked her if everything was ok between us and she said yes. On a hunch. I decided to snoop on her phone bill. I noticed that she has been calling a 1800 number while she is at work. I dialed the number from my phone and ofund out it was for a rechargeable calling card. She has been calling someone but using a calling card to hide the number.
Everything else was clean. I found no inappropriate emails or texts. The only evidence I had was the calling card and it just didn't make sense. We have unlimited long distance so I had no idea who she would be calling. Sometimes, the calls would be as soon as she stepped out of the house or as soon as I left the house.
I confronted her about it a last Friday and she denied knowing the number. I showed her the phone bill and that's what it took for her to admit that she was having an affair. And out of all people, she has been sleeping with Don!
She claims that he made a pass at her one day and she was too weak to resist. They have been having sex together for 3 weeks but the calls go back way longer than that. What pisses me off is that she doesn't act like it's a big deal. She keeps throwing it up in my face how I slept with him at a hotel (which I didn't btw) and that this was payback. She just feels like a totally different person. Since she confessed everything, I have been in pieces. I can't stop crying and I'm just a mess. Don has been calling my phone and left messages saying that he's sorry. He's been trying to talk to me but I've been avoiding him. I came home from work yesterday and saw his car in the driveway. I knew he just wanted to talk but I'm not sure I can face him because I don't know what will happen. I just left and came over to my friends house.
What should I do in this situation? I love my wife and we have been married for 6 years. We do not have kids but we have always talked about having them in the future. She is like a difference person to me and I feel that Don is the root of it. I also believe that he probably lied and told her that we did sleep together that night just so it would be easier for her to cheat on me. I can't keep crying because this hurts and I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance to anyone who can lend a hand.