Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!) - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 08:46 AM Thread Starter
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Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

I am here because I am confused and I've gotten into a bad situation. I want to make a decision but I can't think straight or can't help to think that some of this is my fault. Me and the wife got caught up in a freaky mess and now it is destroying our marriage.

edit: Sorry but I just saw how long this is. I will try to make a summary so it can be easier. It just feels good to let this out and it's therapy in itself.

Around 2 years ago, our sex life became very stale. I tried to purchase different toys and learn new tricks to try to spice things up. I could tell my wife wasn't happy so I told her to open up to me about it. She admitted that it wasn't satisfying and she wanted to change things around. She asked me to have a 3 way with another man. I was totally against it and said that this isn't the answer

After that, we began to fight more and get more distant. Sex became less frequent and even worse than before. I thought long and hard about it and I finally told her that we can do it. The only conditions I gave her was that I would have to choose the man that we invited into our home. I also told her to keep this between us due to my reputation. I am a youth minister as well as a deacon at our church and I don't want to lose my position over my sex life. It was our business and I did it to save my marriage.

We searched a few classified ads and eventually found someone on craigslist. He sent me a pic and gave us references. He seemed too good to be true so we all went to dinner to get to know him better. For now, I will call him "Don".

So we meet Don and we all hit it off great. We have a lot of stuff in common and he has 2 kids from a previous marriage. We agreed on a date and he gave us a price which was reasonable. The day came and went and we had the 3 way. I would say that it was enjoyable for all 3 of us. He showed us many new things and made me and my wife very comfortable. He pleasured both of us and I had no regrets at the time. In fact, we continued this arrangement for about 2 months.

One Sunday, I told Don to meet me after church so we could go have a few drinks. We met and I thanked him for everything. I told him that we won't need him anymore since me and the wife found the spark that we were looking for. Don was a bit dissapointed but he understood. He said he was glad that he was helpful and that we could still be friends after this. I agreed (BIG BIG MISTAKE). We stayed at the bar for a few hours and got hammered before going our separate ways.

We hung out a few times after that and he even came to our house a few times for dinner. All 3 of us grew slower and had many laughs together. Another buddy of mine invited me to check out a new disco on a Saturday. I normally don't stay out too late on Saturdays since we have to get up early on Sunday. I invited Don to come since we were still good friends. We went to the Disco and had fun, drank, and acted out. I do admit that I drunk waaaaayyyy too much that night. I don't remember everything that happened but somehow, me and Don ended up in a corner making out. I do remember it being pretty intense and a lot of groping. After making out for a while, me and Don left the disco and went to the car.

Once inside, he was taking my clothes off and kissing me. I told him that it wasn't right and this wasn't how our relationship should be. I took me having to punch him in the face for him to wake up and realize that I didn't want to sleep with him. I called my friend that was still inside and told him that I will drop Don off at home and call it a night. I told Don that there were no hard feelings and that I was sorry if I led him on. He understood and we both agreed that we both had too much to drink that night.

My friend that was inside later told his wife what happened inside and his wife told another woman. Eventually my wife found out and the story she got was that me and Don had made out and went and had sex in a hotel. I told her that was not the case but she did not believe me. She knew that we hung out alot and that we were both attracted to him. I did admit to drinking too much and kissing him but I assured her that there was no sex involved. It pisses me off that she questioned him about it and even though she told me that she believes me, I don't think she ever did.

Now all of this happened more than a year ago.

Fast forward to today. I will say that I've been noticing changes in my wife. She has been waking up early to have more time to get ready for work. She has also been dressing way nicer and having a little too much confidence. I asked her if everything was ok between us and she said yes. On a hunch. I decided to snoop on her phone bill. I noticed that she has been calling a 1800 number while she is at work. I dialed the number from my phone and ofund out it was for a rechargeable calling card. She has been calling someone but using a calling card to hide the number.

Everything else was clean. I found no inappropriate emails or texts. The only evidence I had was the calling card and it just didn't make sense. We have unlimited long distance so I had no idea who she would be calling. Sometimes, the calls would be as soon as she stepped out of the house or as soon as I left the house.

I confronted her about it a last Friday and she denied knowing the number. I showed her the phone bill and that's what it took for her to admit that she was having an affair. And out of all people, she has been sleeping with Don!

She claims that he made a pass at her one day and she was too weak to resist. They have been having sex together for 3 weeks but the calls go back way longer than that. What pisses me off is that she doesn't act like it's a big deal. She keeps throwing it up in my face how I slept with him at a hotel (which I didn't btw) and that this was payback. She just feels like a totally different person. Since she confessed everything, I have been in pieces. I can't stop crying and I'm just a mess. Don has been calling my phone and left messages saying that he's sorry. He's been trying to talk to me but I've been avoiding him. I came home from work yesterday and saw his car in the driveway. I knew he just wanted to talk but I'm not sure I can face him because I don't know what will happen. I just left and came over to my friends house.

What should I do in this situation? I love my wife and we have been married for 6 years. We do not have kids but we have always talked about having them in the future. She is like a difference person to me and I feel that Don is the root of it. I also believe that he probably lied and told her that we did sleep together that night just so it would be easier for her to cheat on me. I can't keep crying because this hurts and I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance to anyone who can lend a hand.

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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 09:47 AM
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

First thing you do is get Don completely out of your lives. Both your lives. Forever. You both need to send him a no contact letter (see the newbie link in my signature) and that MUST be the last time either of you has ANY contact with him.

Next you need to establish your current boundaries. No more inviting a third person into your lives. Either one of you. For ANY reason. I hope you would agree that the three way was a mistake of monumental proportions??

Then I would seek out a marital therapist who specializes in infidelity and start MC immediately. Normally I would suggest IC for both of you first, but the two of you have both contributed equally to this mess, and you both need to work to get out of it.

Of course, this all assumes that the two of you BOTH want to save your marriage. You sound like you do, but what about your wife?
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 09:49 AM
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

No kids ? GTFO
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 10:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

Yep we have no kids. As of now, I haven't officially broke him off as a friend although he has been trying to talk to me. She has not indicated that she wants a divorce. After re-reading what I wrote, I'm sure they have been having sex for more than 3 weeks. I think she just told me that to try to downplay the affair.
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 10:28 AM
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

My take? "Friends" don't f*ck their friends.
They also don't share their wives with their friends.
Maybe I'm just old fashioned?
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 10:36 AM
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

I came home from work yesterday and saw his car in the driveway. I knew he just wanted to talk but I'm not sure I can face him because I don't know what will happen. I just left and came over to my friends house.

Wow. Yeah, you made a lot of mistakes and bad decisions. But the last one is a doozy. Why in the world would you allow him to come to your house while your wife is there and then slink away without confronting him? What do you think they were doing? Goodness.

I agree with Warlock. This is such a mess, I'm not sure there's a fix. But if you insist on trying to reconcile, you've got to alpha up. Demand no contact, you both get STD tested, and then get in to MC ASAP. Probably months and months of it.

But honestly, is it worth it?
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 10:45 AM
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

If you honestly couldn't see this coming from the very start, I don't know how much good it'll do you to get advice here.

I cringe at the thought that you minister in any way to children, teenagers, and/or young adults.
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 10:47 AM
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

What Hope said

So the timeline. You two have not been married very long. 6 years Married and the three way was at 4 years right? She was not into you very early in your marriage. And maybe you are not into her. You gave yourself to another man. and then all the back and forth with Don for 2 years. Moving forward to save your marriage do what Hope said. After many sessions of MC you will know if you can move forward or move on.
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 10:55 AM
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

WOW, this is a mess!! This is why you never ever bring a 3rd party in a relationship! I dont know anyone that has ever done it and not had it destroy their marriage.

You need to talk to Don, tell him to get lost.

Then you need to lay the gauntlet down with your wife, granted you want to work it out.

I cant imagine what the church folk would make of this!! I hope its not a small town!

Rule #1: Only trust those who love big butts...they can not lie!
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 11:30 AM
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

Wow some bad choices. Never bring a third person into the marriage and never the bedroom. You both need to figure out what you want., you have only been married 6 years and it is stale in the bedroom?

No kids, I think you both should part ways. If that is not what you both want then you need a great deal of MC and IC for both of you. Get checked for STD's both of you right away

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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 11:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

I'm going to at least call her up and see what she wants. If she wants to work on our marriage (which I think she does), then it's a start for us.

So we should kick Don totally out of our life. I'm totally for this but she thinks differently. She says that I'm being selfish by telling her who she can talk to and we both considered him as a good friend prior to this happening.
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 11:36 AM
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

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Originally Posted by Honestmaninlife View Post
I'm going to at least call her up and see what she wants. If she wants to work on our marriage (which I think she does), then it's a start for us.

So we should kick Don totally out of our life. I'm totally for this but she thinks differently. She says that I'm being selfish by telling her who she can talk to and we both considered him as a good friend prior to this happening.
He was a stranger that you got to know because you wanted to have a third person in the bedroom. He is toxic for your marriage, if she doesnt want to give him up then she doesnt want the marriage. Make a new friend, one that wont sleep with you and your wife. Its not that hard!

Rule #1: Only trust those who love big butts...they can not lie!
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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 11:38 AM
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

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Originally Posted by Honestmaninlife View Post
So we should kick Don totally out of our life. I'm totally for this but she thinks differently. She says that I'm being selfish by telling her who she can talk to and we both considered him as a good friend prior to this happening.
Tell her to read this book and then tell you that.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

This man is toxic to your marriage. There is NO way your marriage can survive with him in the picture, unless you bend over and just take it. If your wife insists that he stay, then you have no choice but to go.
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 11:50 AM
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

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Originally Posted by LetDownNTX View Post
He was a stranger that you got to know because you wanted to have a third person in the bedroom. He is toxic for your marriage, if she doesnt want to give him up then she doesnt want the marriage. Make a new friend, one that wont sleep with you and your wife. Its not that hard!
Her response speaks volumes, she still wants him in her life, she is most likely still sleeping with him. Her not seeing him is a problem means that the marriage is not a priority.

I am a bit surprised as a youth minister you have not broken this down to it parts. Also you know what you have done is wrong based on your values. I am making the assumption you our a christian.

What would you be telling the young adults you are charged with. I am sure you are telling them that sex outside of a man and wife is wrong. Or am I missing something here.
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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-14-2013, 12:03 PM
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Re: Am I being selfish or did I deserve this? (Sorry but long!)

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
There is NO way your marriage can survive with him in the picture, unless you bend over and just take it.
No pun intended!

Rule #1: Only trust those who love big butts...they can not lie!
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