Continuing step-father/step-daughter relationship?

Robsia · 03-14-2013, 11:15 AM

So my WH and I have decided to divorce. We're being very amicable and had a long talk today in which we managed to thrash some things out. I am much calmer and a little happier about things.

My problem is this: I have 2 daughters, both from before we met. My youngest was not yet 1 when we met, and I have no contact with her natural father. He was a ONS from my single wilder days - not something I'm proud of, but it is what it is.

My H brought her up as his, and she thinks he is her Daddy.

She has been asking after him, and I'm not sure what to do.

Obviously, if she were his true daughter I would be encouraging contact, but is it right to continue that relationship only to be told a few years down the line that he was never her real daddy anyway?

Or is it better to cut all contact from this point on? She is 5.

WWYD?

Keepin-my-head-up · 03-14-2013, 10:11 PM

If he raised her and loved her, thn he is her true daddy

Just not the biological one.

So if he wants to see her and still treat her as his oen
then ud only be taking away from ur daughter if u prevent it
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the guy · 03-14-2013, 10:30 PM

If the guy wants the job then let him have it.

I think it phucked not to encourage the father daughter relationship after 5 years.

What the hell our you thinking?

Is this guy bad father material? Maybe the next few guys will be?

Ya lets guy after guy enter this kids life, until *you* pick one!

It sounds to me they have picked each other and *you* are just getting in the way.

the guy · 03-14-2013, 10:37 PM

BTW....

Me and a couple of other dads I know make damb good step fathers while their kids bio dad make more kids and/or wait to get out of jail......or what ever the hell these POS can't own up.

Geeze, I know of one case were my buddy makes a hell of a better step parent then his ex wife/bio mother. This cat stepped up big time and now that his step daughter is a grown adult he wouldn't have it any other way.

Again are going to pick or are you going to let them pick each other?

Sorry girl, I see the risk to great as you go thru men looking for some *other* guy to be your kids daddy!

unbelievable · 03-14-2013, 11:17 PM

My son is not my natural child. He was 3 when I met and married his mom. She and I divorced when he was about 8. I actually got custody. He's 32, now and when he says "Dad", he means me. Seems to me when someone marries a person who has a child, they make two commitments. You and he can agree to break your's, but your daughter hasn't divorced anyone and in her world, a dad is a forever kind of arrangement. Unless the guy was some sort of abusive monster, I'd try to make it as easy as possible for him to keep being her dad. It's not as if her biological dad is busting a sweat to do so. Fathers give something to kids that they just can't get anywhere else. Whenever I have accepted the role of "dad" whether biologically or otherwise, it's always been clear to me that it's for life.

westbank23 · 03-14-2013, 11:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the guy

BTW....

Me and a couple of other dads I know make damb good step fathers while their kids bio dad make more kids and/or wait to get out of jail......or what ever the hell these POS can't own up.

Geeze, I know of one case were my buddy makes a hell of a better step parent then his ex wife/bio mother. This cat stepped up big time and now that his step daughter is a grown adult he wouldn't have it any other way.

Again are going to pick or are you going to let them pick each other?

Sorry girl, I see the risk to great as you go thru men looking for some *other* guy to be your kids daddy!

Yea for real this true..
Y'all can't try and work things out?
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Silverlining · 03-14-2013, 11:41 PM

They should continue a relationship as long as he remains a positive male figure for your daughter. Do not punish the children when adult relationships don't work out.

Robsia · 03-15-2013, 02:59 AM

Whoa - harsh much!

I didn't say I was preventing it, nor did I say I would prevent it.

My WH and I discussed the situation together. I asked HIM what he wanted to do. He said he wasn't sure.

I want what's best for my daughter. I don't want him to continue this relationship now if he has no intention of continuing it long-term.

Apologies if I was unclear.

EleGirl · 03-15-2013, 03:38 AM

If he does not continue the relationship she will feel that her father abandoned her.

If he raised her to think that he's her father, he has an obligation to continue being her father.

unbelievable · 03-15-2013, 04:37 AM

Odd that he's not sure. Has he said what his concerns are on the topic?

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby · 03-15-2013, 04:42 AM

What does he want to do? Your stbxh should continue to see your daughter.

My husband raised my first child since the age of 5 and she sees him as her only father.

Robsia · 03-15-2013, 04:49 AM

He's said he doesn't want her growing up resenting us for letting her think he was her father. He suggested maybe it was kinder in the long run to make it a clean break for everyone.

TBH we're both finding it really hard to let go of each other. A clean break would be better for US certainly. But is it best for my DD?

I don't know.

EleGirl · 03-15-2013, 05:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Robsia

He's said he doesn't want her growing up resenting us for letting her think he was her father. He suggested maybe it was kinder in the long run to make it a clean break for everyone.

TBH we're both finding it really hard to let go of each other. A clean break would be better for US certainly. But is it best for my DD?

I don't know.

If the choice is between a clean break or he continues to be her father for the rest of the life....

It's better that he remains her father.

If he stops being her father you can expect her to grow up with all kinds of issues. Her pain will be worse than if he died. Why? Because her father chose to abandon her. At least with death it is not a choice.

Today I'm dealing with the issues caused by parents who abandon their children. My step daughter's mother walked out on them when the daughter was 7. She spent her years between when her mother walked out until the end of high school suicidal, angry and hurt. Then in her senior year she found drugs... that fixed her problems alright.

If you want to know how well that turned out read my new thread on the topic.

Need help staying strong

Our prisons are filled with men and women whose father's walked out on them.

If you look at my step daughter, it's clear that a mother walking out has the same affect.

For your daughter's sake, do everything you can to keep him involved. He is probably confused by him being 'just the step father'. But to her he IS her father.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby · 03-15-2013, 05:10 AM

EleGirl is right. My first born was abandoned by her biological father in her early teens and now she has many negative issues over it. She's an adult now and has been in therapy for some time trying to overcome the damage this has done emotionally.

It's best he continues the relationship. It would be awfully selfish of him if he makes a "clean break". Truly he's only thinking of himself.

Good luck.

Almostrecovered · 03-15-2013, 06:56 AM

If he isn't abusive then abandonment will be much more harmful than the later discovery that she isn't biologically his