Texting a co worker, deleting the texts
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Old 03-16-2013, 05:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

We have been married 10 years, we were at a football game and he loaned me his phone, I noticed in the inbox the first line of a message from an unknown name to me, that was really strange, I took the phone with me to the toilets - feeling really guilty for snooping - and found more txts to the same number, with strange comments with sexual references such as "you had sex yet " "will you be at work in the morning" etc. Dont panic I thought and went back to the game - not seeing the rest of it. When we got home he went to bed and then I had a real good snoop through contacts other messages etc, all normal messages were still there not deleted, but he has cleared the messages I saw and there are no other messages from this surname now. Went to bed, no sleep, he gets up to go to work, when he goes I ring the number witholding our phone number, a female voice says leave a message. Go to my friends leave kids with her and confront him when he gets home, 'We are just friends, it is a silly work thing we flirt as a fun thing to break the boredom, the txting has just started and he admits hes crossed the line with the txting. Shes just one of the guys he says. Should I ask one of his workmates if he thinks I should be alarmed, see what they think of the after hours txts?
Im really taken back, and heartbroken, he knows he has really hurt me, but went off to a wedding function, a workmate and left me at home, he assured me that she is not there. he txt me just before asking if im alright ..... no i am not!
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Old 03-16-2013, 05:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

I am so sorry. Your h is in a full blown affair and trying to rug sweep it. Someone here will definitely tell you what the best course of action is next. Good luck to you!

It is not snooping looking through his texts. You should never be ashamed of it.
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Old 03-16-2013, 05:35 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

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Originally Posted by march16 View Post
We have been married 10 years, we were at a football game and he loaned me his phone, I noticed in the inbox the first line of a message from an unknown name to me, that was really strange, I took the phone with me to the toilets - feeling really guilty for snooping - and found more txts to the same number, with strange comments with sexual references such as "you had sex yet " "will you be at work in the morning" etc. Dont panic I thought and went back to the game - not seeing the rest of it. When we got home he went to bed and then I had a real good snoop through contacts other messages etc, all normal messages were still there not deleted, but he has cleared the messages I saw and there are no other messages from this surname now. Went to bed, no sleep, he gets up to go to work, when he goes I ring the number witholding our phone number, a female voice says leave a message. Go to my friends leave kids with her and confront him when he gets home, 'We are just friends, it is a silly work thing we flirt as a fun thing to break the boredom, the txting has just started and he admits hes crossed the line with the txting. Shes just one of the guys he says. Should I ask one of his workmates if he thinks I should be alarmed, see what they think of the after hours txts?
Im really taken back, and heartbroken, he knows he has really hurt me, but went off to a wedding function, a workmate and left me at home, he assured me that she is not there. he txt me just before asking if im alright ..... no i am not!
Well, no she isn't. Or else why no flirty comments to the other guys at work?

Leaving you by yourself knowing the mental state you must be in? That's callous.

Do you think it is a physical affair?

What do you want to happen? You should be in the driver's seat, here. He needs to show remorse.
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Old 03-16-2013, 05:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

Sitting here waiting for him to get home. He does not know it but today i figured out how to track who he sends txts to through our providers website, and I can call his message box and check messages, I am going to see what emerges over the next few days, unfortunately I am obsessed with this and have checked the activity every 5 minutes today, he sent out a message to her half an hour after I talked to him, but nothing further today.
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:04 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

Dont tip your hand too early if youre ttying to figure out whats going on. Hes not going to admit to anything you cant prove and if he is having an affair hell just go underground making it even harder to get evidence. Also if u wind up confronting him dont tell him how u found out.
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

You should collect as much evidence as you can. Then confront.

He will probably, rationalise, rug sweep, blame you etc but stand firm.

Tell him that even if it was just flirting that he has been having an emotional affair, hiding things from you, and doing things with another woman that should be reserved for you only.

That you don't trust him because he has broken your trust.

He needs to agree to go no contact with this woman and look for another job if need be.

He should also be willing to to marriage counselling, give every single detail if you ask for with complete honesty, because anything less will harm your marriage further.

And he should know what he has risked.
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:49 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

I dont know if its physical, i dont think so, but 24 hours ago i had no idea there was an emotional one either
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Old 03-16-2013, 08:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

I found out my WH was texting someone last November. He too swore it was just texting.

He was lying.

It was a full-blown PA.

Sorry. I know you want to cling on to what he is telling you. I know how much you desperately want to believe that it's the truth.

They only admit what you can prove. I was told that last November and I didn't want to believe it. He wouldn't lie to me, I thought. I was wrong. He lied to me at every stage of this affair. He lied to me even when I found evidence that he had met her and had meals with her. He said it wasn't sex, just dates.

He didn't tell the truth until I had an email from her in my hand telling me all the gory details! He looked into my eyes, held my hand and swore they hadn't had sex. He LIED! They had.

Cheaters lie.
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Old 03-16-2013, 09:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

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Originally Posted by march16 View Post
I dont know if its physical, i dont think so, but 24 hours ago i had no idea there was an emotional one either
You're doing the right thing. I'm a guy with female coworkers; something is definitely up. Could be as little as flirting texts with the potential to become more ... or a full blown affair. Personally I doubt it is an affair ... yet. It is how it starts and he likes and is responding to the attention. He hasn't cut it off so he is capable of getting sucked in.

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Old 03-16-2013, 09:56 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

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I dont know if its physical, i dont think so, but 24 hours ago i had no idea there was an emotional one either
March16, what is your gut feeling on this?
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Old 03-16-2013, 10:09 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by march16 View Post
Sitting here waiting for him to get home. He does not know it but today i figured out how to track who he sends txts to through our providers website, and I can call his message box and check messages, I am going to see what emerges over the next few days, unfortunately I am obsessed with this and have checked the activity every 5 minutes today, he sent out a message to her half an hour after I talked to him, but nothing further today.
Why would he text her when he's with her?
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Old 03-16-2013, 10:10 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

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Originally Posted by march16 View Post
We have been married 10 years, we were at a football game and he loaned me his phone, I noticed in the inbox the first line of a message from an unknown name to me, that was really strange, I took the phone with me to the toilets - feeling really guilty for snooping - and found more txts to the same number, with strange comments with sexual references such as "you had sex yet " "will you be at work in the morning" etc. Dont panic I thought and went back to the game - not seeing the rest of it. When we got home he went to bed and then I had a real good snoop through contacts other messages etc, all normal messages were still there not deleted, but he has cleared the messages I saw and there are no other messages from this surname now. Went to bed, no sleep, he gets up to go to work, when he goes I ring the number witholding our phone number, a female voice says leave a message. Go to my friends leave kids with her and confront him when he gets home, 'We are just friends, it is a silly work thing we flirt as a fun thing to break the boredom, the txting has just started and he admits hes crossed the line with the txting. Shes just one of the guys he says. Should I ask one of his workmates if he thinks I should be alarmed, see what they think of the after hours txts?
Im really taken back, and heartbroken, he knows he has really hurt me, but went off to a wedding function, a workmate and left me at home, he assured me that she is not there. he txt me just before asking if im alright ..... no i am not!
Why would she not be invited to the wedding?

He is there telling everyone how you were sick or had other plans and couldn't make it. She is there, too.

No one deletes only the texts from one person unless something funny is going on with that person.

I would assume it is a physical affair. There are very few texting-only affairs between co-workers. It escalates to physical pretty quickly.

Assume the worst, hope for the best.

Consider buying a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and putting it in his car. That usually gives you the answer within a few days.

Do not bring the subject up again with him again. Let him think you forgot about it.

You have a tough road ahead. He works with her and they are sexually interested in each other, most likely already acting on it. After you get your evidence, what will be your next step? Will you be comfortable with them working together?

You are shocked and can't believe what is happening, but on this forum we have seen it many times, so we already know what is going to happen. It's like watching a bad TV movie, you know what the villain is up to, what he's going to say and do.

Cheaters follow a script. "She's just a co-worker," "she's just a friend," "it's only texting," "we crossed a line," are all really, really bad signs. If there really was nothing to it, he would have been able to explain it all to you in a fair amount of detail in a couple of minutes in a way that made perfect sense to you. Instead, you got vague statements that make no sense. The explanation you got just leaves you wondering exactly what he is up to. And when that's the case, usually you can assume the worst.
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Old 03-16-2013, 10:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

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Why would he text her when he's with her?
Posted via Mobile Device
Most likely, most co-workers don't know they are having an affair. If they were alone together, then there would be no need for texting. But at a crowded wedding filled with co-workers, they would need to keep it under wraps and probably would do a little texting to each other during the reception.

"Meet me by the front door in two minutes."

"I can't wait to get you alone later."

Stuff like that.
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Old 03-16-2013, 10:49 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting a co worker, deleting the texts

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He is there telling everyone how you were sick or had other plans and couldn't make it. She is there, too.
Sorry, OP - but I agree with Will on this one.

Any way you can get to the wedding function?
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Old 03-16-2013, 10:52 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Cheaters lie.
Yes, we do...and we are very good at it.

.
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