Help! Two Married People Having Affair
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-19-2013, 10:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help! Two Married People Having Affair

Could someone please set my head straight... I am in a mental mess! I seriously need help.

I am very happy with my husband and marriage. Unfortunately, my job put me in a different continent several years ago. I see my husband 3 times a year, one week each time. The distance has inevitably taken a toll on the relationship in the sense that I often feel very lonely. A year ago, I met a married man and was instantly attracted to him. He was in a rut in his marriage at the time (I guess that was why he was attracted to women outside of his marriage). I only meant for this affair to be companionship and nothing else but as we spent time together, I have grown to really like him.

As circumstances change, I will be moving back home to be with my husband very soon, which means my affair will come to an end. I am worried that I wouldn't be attracted to my husband sexually anymore. And I find myself resenting the very possible fact that my affair partner and his wife would have a better marriage and a more exciting sex life as couples often do after an affair (the affair would serve as a wake-up call to the wife to be more sexual and adventurous, and the husband would try all the erotic things/postures that he did with me with his wife).

Have I destroyed my own marriage and helped his?

Any advice or comments would be much appreciated.
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Old 03-19-2013, 10:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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My God. Really? You are worried your affair partner will have a better sex life than you? This is the very height of narcissism.

Do the poor husband a favor. Let him go find someone who wants to be with him and love and care for him, not someone who cheated with a married man, and now just wants to make sure if she stays, she's getting it harder and kinkier than her lover's wife.
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Old 03-19-2013, 10:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Two Married People Having Affair

You choose to see your husband three times a year and still consider that a marriage?

Confess to your husband.
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Old 03-19-2013, 10:48 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I wouldn't worry about your AP.

He'll just move on to the next willing open pair of legs.
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Old 03-19-2013, 10:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
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You cheated and betrayed your husband, and now the only thing you are worried about is that the other cheater is going to be happier than you ?

And what makes you think that his wife will just accept this and become more sexual ? What if she kicks him out and divorces him ?

Are you going to be honest with your husband and tell him about your cheating ?
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Old 03-19-2013, 10:53 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Two Married People Having Affair

You are worried about your self that is what cheaters do. You should be worried about what you have done to your husband. You need to confess to him what has happened. I hope you feel bad about what you have done and do your best to make amends to him.
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
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You held fire to your breast and thought you wouldn't get burned? There is no harmless, innocent way to commit adultery; not in the mind, not in the bed, not far away, not next door, not just one night, not for a long time. It's conduct that's harmful to a marriage, which is why it's forbidden in pretty much every culture.
I don't know what ill-consequences will come of this conduct but there will be some. It's illogical to assume otherwise. I don't see the benefit of telling your husband. He knew it would be difficult (nearly impossible) to maintain a marriage over several years over several continents, with the barest of contact between husband and wife. Under the circumstances, about the best either of you could have hoped for is that you would return to an intact marriage, not a great marriage, not a close, intimate marriage, but one that was legally intact. You and he both should have figured you'd have to basically court each other all over again upon your return. He faced the same temptations and loneliness you faced. Hopefully, he was stronger than you but if he wasn't you have lost all reason to complain. Get yourself checked out medically. Go home. Learn from the experience and don't repeat it. I'd suggest you find a job that allows you both to actually have a relationship if a marriage is what you both want. If you insist on this prolonged long-distance arrangement, accept the fact that adultery will very likely be part of it.
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:08 AM   #8 (permalink)
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OMG, please read your post OP! Read what you wrote, disgusting....
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:11 AM   #9 (permalink)
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What to even say to this...
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:12 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I won't waste explanations on this adulterer for the same reason I don't read Shakespeare to my dogs . . .
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:22 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I was deployed twice and away from my wife over a year both times. The loneliness was just about unbearable for me and I'm sure it was probably even worse for her. I didn't stray but I also didn't have much opportunity to. My wife, on the other hand, faced basically unlimited opportunities. I don't have any reason to believe she did anything wrong and if she had I really don't want to know about it. She wouldn't have picked some other guy over me, it would have been a choice between some stranger comfort or no comfort. Again, I have no reason to suspect my wife is anything but a great, loyal, woman. If she had committed some act of indiscretion during that very difficult time, she wouldn't be doing me any favors by telling me. If tables had been reversed and she had been sent away for a couple years and I had an abundance of opportunities, I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to resist them all but I have no reason to know for sure unless I had been in her shoes. She didn't even know if I was alive from one day to the next. I can't even imagine that kind of loneliness and helplessness. At least I had work to keep my mind mostly occupied.
Trying to keep a marriage going over extreme periods of absence isn't tea with the queen and unless someone has done so successfully, they aren't in a position to judge.
What this woman did was wrong but it damaged herself more than anyone else. It probably would make her feel better to confess but relieving her guilty soul and dumping all that ugly onto her husband isn't going to help him a bit and it won't contribute to the future success of this marriage. What would be the advantage?
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:29 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Many people on TAM are here because they have been cheated on, so they aren't very sympathetic to your situation. I am a bit more sympathetic, because you are alone for months at a time.

But 3 weeks a year? If that goes on for more than 1-2 years, that is insane and it means you don't really have a relationship at all. If you want your marriage to work, either you need to quit your job, or he needs to quit his job (I'm assuming he has one) and join you instead. Otherwise, let him go and find someone else closer to you (preferably not a married person!).
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
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yes you have destroyed your own marriage!

my advice would be to fess up and get a divorce. go to therapy and find some morals.

when you feel like you could never do this again then start looking for a husband.
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I thank everyone for their comments. I deserve the bashing 100%. I feel terrible about what wrong I have done to my husband. All he has done is love me and care for me. I am guilty, and I am very sorry to my husband. I agree with @Unbelievable that I will take this affair to the grave and never to tell my husband. It will only do him harm and our marriage will be beyond repair. I am committed to restoring my marriage and I know what I need to do to achieve that.

What really bothers me is, what is wrong with me? Why am I so worried about my AP's wife benefiting from this affair? Is it out of jealousy because I can't let go of AP and she gets to keep him?
(Just a little more information: AP's wife found out about this affair a month into it. AP confessed. Wife forgave him. AP continues the affair behind her back. AP does not love her anymore, no sex life with her. He chooses to stay in the marriage because of the kids.)
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:46 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
I was deployed twice and away from my wife over a year both times. The loneliness was just about unbearable for me and I'm sure it was probably even worse for her. I didn't stray but I also didn't have much opportunity to. My wife, on the other hand, faced basically unlimited opportunities. I don't have any reason to believe she did anything wrong and if she had I really don't want to know about it. She wouldn't have picked some other guy over me, it would have been a choice between some stranger comfort or no comfort. Again, I have no reason to suspect my wife is anything but a great, loyal, woman. If she had committed some act of indiscretion during that very difficult time, she wouldn't be doing me any favors by telling me. If tables had been reversed and she had been sent away for a couple years and I had an abundance of opportunities, I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to resist them all but I have no reason to know for sure unless I had been in her shoes. She didn't even know if I was alive from one day to the next. I can't even imagine that kind of loneliness and helplessness. At least I had work to keep my mind mostly occupied.
Trying to keep a marriage going over extreme periods of absence isn't tea with the queen and unless someone has done so successfully, they aren't in a position to judge.
What this woman did was wrong but it damaged herself more than anyone else. It probably would make her feel better to confess but relieving her guilty soul and dumping all that ugly onto her husband isn't going to help him a bit and it won't contribute to the future success of this marriage. What would be the advantage?
Did you even read her post? All she's worried about is if her lover's wife is going to be getting it better with the lover than she will with the hubby if they reconcile.
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