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I cheated 6 years ago and he just found out

108K views 256 replies 76 participants last post by  sinnister 
#1 ·
Hi, I'm new here, but here's my story...
7 years ago when I first met my husband I cheated on him, we had just started dating and he asked me to go out with a friend of his that was in town, we ended up getting really drunk and sleeping together. I made a horrible mistake and we both agreed to never talk about it or mention it again. My husband and I just got married a few moths ago and we were really happy together, and his friend decided to tell him the truth about that night. My husband is devastated and wants to dissolve our marriage, he hates me now and says he will never trust me again. I'm not a bad person I swear, I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend. I would have to say I have put up with more than any one person would from a man and he knows that, but I think this may be a breaking point for him. I have already cried, said how sorry I was and he knows how much I love him. I'm lost I don't know what to do?
 
#45 ·
It is possible and ironic that his friend (the om) came clean because he is getting married and he did not want this to blow up HIS own marriage with revelations later on, he did not want to keep secrets from his future wife.

It just would not do for his betryal of his friend to come out after his own marriage began.

Now him and his beloved can get married with no secrets, no lies.

Funny how we know the "RIGHT" thing to do when its in our own best interest.


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#46 ·
Married,

It seems that there are some similarities between your sitch and mine.

My (future) fiancé and I were not exclusive but we were moving in that direction. In western society, while people say there is nothing wrong with multidating.... there is something wrong with multi -sexing given the health issues.

The other problem with multidating is that the one you end up with may be the one that got the short end of the stick and they will find out about it. I had to get my fiancé explaining, how can you leave me at the bus stop when you offered your so called friend taxi fare.

And then there were the e-mails and text messages in which they talked about me and our sex life.....

And even when we did become exclusive he referred to her as a friend and was in contact with her. I finally put an end to the "friendship."

So it's possible that your husband is wondering if he is facing the same situation. And as someone else said, I am wondering what I might have done differently had I known/ understood more at the time. I might not have introduced him to my friends where he embarrassed me refusing to buy a round.....when I later learned that the week before he had closed a GBP127 bar tab when he was with his "friend" and his "friend's" friends.

What gave me the strength to finally raise the subject with him (at a time when I was told by ohters that I would appear jealous and insecure if I did) were the thoughts that 1) if he saw his friend again, that would make our relationship an FWB and 2) I was being offered dates myself. why should I turn them down if my partner felt justified in seeing another woman.....no matter how he classified the relationship.

Some unanswered questions here:
1) Do you have any idea what motivated this friend to disclose this episode to your husband?
2) Did you two stay in touch after your assignation? And if so, through what means and what did you talk about?
3) Is this friend and your husband part of a larger social circle where other people might be aware of this incident?
4) Do you have other male friends that he may suspect are more than just friends?


well, there may be more questions.....
 
#54 ·
I would like to know what type of idiot would tell his GF to take his good friend out for a night on the town. I realize that we want to trust our friends and SO's...but at the same time we're not supposed to be stupid or naive about things either.

I wouldn't encourage my wife to take one of my brothers out for a good time let a long a friend. Why would someone be so stupid to do something like that? My initial thought is that the OP should have known better, and that she knew that her then BF would have NOT wanted her to sleep with his friend.

However, if neither of them had the talk about being a committed couple, and his only words to his GF was to "my friend is in your neck of the woods and is bored. Why don't you take him out and show him a good time". Really? WTF??? I would have told the friend that I feel bad that he's bored, but would never consider for a second to send my GF to collect him and entertain him. That's enabling. It also shows that the husband does not understand proper boundaries either.

OP. It should be painfully clear that keeping this secret was the wrong thing to do. And as typically happens, these secrets come out at the most inconvenient times. If you have any other secrets, spill your guts and vow that you will go full on transparency with e-mails, social media, cell phone, etc. He should do the same for you.
 
#55 ·
I swear, I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend.
Lying for 7 years straight doesn't make you a good girlfriend/wife.
You lost the "good" when you decided to sleep with OM and betray your SO.

Also, If I were OM's fiance now...I would totally break up from him.
What good man betrays his best friend like that???
If he was able to do it to his best friend I'm sure he'd do it to any other friend and he wouldn't also have a problem cheating in any girlfriend too.

Your H should kick both of you out of his life.
 
#58 ·
Come one people she said herself when this happen that they were really only at the early stage of dating. They obviously were not even saying they love each other yet. So this is not your typical cheating scenario. Its not always just black and white there are grey areas and this is one of them.

The only issue here is she had relations with his friend. She should of told him end of story. She didn't. So know she is dealing with the consequences and needs help. So how about for once you people not be little her and try to help her with her situation. This is a place for help not a place to re confirm there mistakes and tell them how undeserving they are. If anyone knows good idea for how to try to mend her situation it would be people like us. That's all she is asking for HELP. You know some of you people just don't have hearts. Some of you need to get past your hate mongering and be helpful and move on instead of being Debby downers and doom and gloom all the time. People need to recognize when a situation deserves the hard core or the sympathetic aproach. She knows she screwed up she just needs help to fix something that had nothing to really do with there marriage but is effecting it now. So how about some constructive advice for once and stop telling her stuff that she probably already knows and im sure someone has already told her once that she is a big turd and doesn't deserve to live.

Married2012 just try to prove to him how much you love him. Be apologetic everyday living every moment you have him in your life. Tell him you know you cant take back that moment 6 years ago but we can go on for the rest or are lives me showing you why i married you 6 years later and keep showing you how much i love you. Do little and big things to show him what he means to you. You have not been living a lie for the last 6 years. i could be wrong but it probably never crossed your mind much of what you did with his friend since honestly you 2 were really only friends still. Um it isnt cheating if you are only friends testing the water with each other.
But any way, just get creative with ways to show him how much you love him. Youv'e been together for 6 years so that is enough time to fall into typical routines. So maybe try to change some of that up and start trying new things to show him what he means to you. Start thinking outside the box. Watch romantic comedies or romance movies or read romantic books to try to come up with ideas. When its all said and done he will eventually accept it or not, that is out of your control. He may not be over it in a week or a month but just be there for him hold him and reassure him what he means to you. Thats all i have. good luck and i hope the best for your husband and you and hope you guys can move past this speed bump in your marriage.
 
#117 ·
I want to second this as the only logical and well thought out answer. There is a big difference between cheating a few months into a LONG DISTANCE relationship and cheating in a long-term marriage. I think the hive mind here is to always attack a WS no matter what. You don't know if she's truly sorry or not and using cliches like "if you were a good wife/were sorry, you would have told him" serves no purpose. As she said, it was a few months into an LD relationship and for all she or he knew at the time they could have broken up a month later. I'm not defending her actions, but you people need to put down your pitch forks and realizes that the circumstances are a little different here.
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#60 ·
@Next: I'd be pissed to the highest degree!! What we don't know is how good a friend OP H thought he was.

We have heard from OP that she perceived the start of her relationship was not exclusive. What we don't know is what OP H thought it was? Also, OP knew that his friend was indeed a friend to her BF and put herself in this spot whether exposed now or later. Of all the men a single lady could bed when she's in a non-exclusive dating relationship, she chose someone close to another guy she is dating also. I saw this a lot in high school and most ppl., once they grew up, know better then to pit to ppl. against one another.

Damage control will be tough...I'd wait and see what H says about R then use this site as a guide on how to proceed. Your H has the right to be angry, grieve, and bring it up as often as he needs to heal. Don't make the mistake and minimize what happened or tell him it was the past or tell him to get over it.
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#61 ·
Very weird, so friend has no trouble sleeping with then girlfriend, keeping the secret of x years, watching them get engaged, watching them marry only to tell him after?!!?

Does it matter how long they'd been dating? Alot of people here are looking through the eyes of the betrayed, certainly ears prick up at the thought of allowing your friend to go out with a girlfriend for a night..god forbid.

Also curious about OP's comment about putting up with alot from this guy..almost like well I've put up with your stuff so I'm entitled to be forgiven.

You should have told him, let him make up his own mind whether he wanted to be with you. In essence the whole relationship has been a lie. Tough situation. Where is this good buddy now? He's a bit of a snake in the grass.
 
#62 ·
married here is where i have my big problem with you. i meet my 2nd wife for the first time at her work, we talked for 45 min, i took my 2 1/2 son with me (im all nervous 27 yr old single dad meeting 22 yr old single no kid woman). next day meet her again took my dogs (she knocked me down to get to my dogs). then the next day took her for ice cream and had sex.

right after sex she tells me she had 2 FWB. im all ok we are not exclusive right now. she said no i HAD 2 when you left the first night i called them and told them im done i met someone special i want to see where it goes from here. she DIDNT have to tell me we just met. SHE TOLD ME TO BE HONEST! still with her 7+ years later (married 6 in april)
 
#63 ·
Married2012, a few questions...

Had you been sexually active with your then boyfriend when this "cheating" occurred?

You mentioned you put up with things with your husband... care to explain?

Your husband's friend... was he going with the girl he is now marrying at the time this happened?
 
#64 ·
I think your husband is a idiot!! 7 years ago and 1 time and he wants a divorce..........talk about overreact imo.

Who didn't cheat before they were married? I'm sure the holier than though on TAM will say "ME I WOULD NEVER !!" well most people do or did.

My wife and I have been faithful for over 16 years we both cheated on each other while dating on/off for 5 years! She slept with one of my friends, I with hers, we broke up yada yada.

To add relevance to the story......we were talking one day and there was a magazine that said "30 things that guys must do before they die!" one of them was have a threesome.

I joked and said "Honey, I need to have a threesome see........lol" here reply was "I guess I'm more of a man than you!" and then said "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that"

I don't need to know all of those details from some soiree while we weren't even married. It's in the past.

IMO< hubby should get over it!
 
#82 ·
I think your husband is a idiot!! 7 years ago and 1 time and he wants a divorce..........talk about overreact imo.

Who didn't cheat before they were married? I'm sure the holier than though on TAM will say "ME I WOULD NEVER !!" well most people do or did.
I did often, and because of it I realize it is nothing more than luck that I didn't later end up truly in love and married to one of those women that I cheated on.
How would I have dealt with it?
That's the only difference between me and the OP here right now.

My wife and I have been faithful for over 16 years we both cheated on each other while dating on/off for 5 years! She slept with one of my friends, I with hers, we broke up yada yada.
My wife and I were both sleeping with other people early in our courtship as well.

I don't need to know all of those details from some soiree while we weren't even married. It's in the past.
It's not really though, the OP's lover isn't just an old ONS.
He's a personal friend of her and her H who they see socially.
This has been kept from him for years.

It's not as simple as an old ONS with some nobody.

IMO< hubby should get over it!
If he wasn't a friend and hadn't been a part of their lives for the past 6 years holding this deception I'd agree with you.
As it is I think the OP has no clue how lucky she is he's still there and speaking to her.

I've been with my wife for 15 years, if an old friend told me he slept with her 14 years ago I'd have a problem.
I wouldn't be near her, I wouldn't speak to her.

She might get D papers served within the week.

I'd be nuclear.
 
#67 ·
OP, your posts are hard for me to get a handle on. However, since you titled the thread starting with the words "I cheated". Then your status with your H at the time would seem to indicate that it was cheating.

Imagine how you would feel if the situation were reversed and you had to find out from your best friend that your H slept with her rather than hearing it from your H. That may help you to start to understand how he feels. I'm not sure how to advise you to proceed, but I understand why your husband feels the way he does.

Good luck
WD
 
#68 ·
It's bad enough that you cheated on your then BF of several months.

It got worse when you did it with a false friend of his,

Then it went. Very bad when you chose to betray his trust by:

1. Enter into a plan to conspire to keep the truth from your bf.
2. Continue to lie to him during your entire relationship and into your marriage.
3. Let his false friend humiliate him all these years by sticking around. This guy is no friend of your now husband. Ths scum bag slept with you, his friends GF. Honestly, that's a horrible betrayal as well and he should be forever cut put of your husbands life. He deserves to be spit on. You don't go after gfs or wives of friends. Not ever.

But even now you are more upset that the false crappy friend broke your pack of silence, even now you aren't repecting your husband or his feelings. You are more interested in hiding your choices to betray him over and over, instead of helping healing the pain you have caused him.

I think you very quickly need to understand why this is very possibky going to end your marriage. It most certainly will forever stain your relationship with your husband. Not just because years ago you had a drunken ONS. It's because you've comfortably lied to your husband over and over. He no longer trusts you. It's gone.

If there are any other incidents of cheating or lying, my advice is to tell him it all NOW. He now has lost all trust in you. He will be going over every incident, friend, odd behavior etc, that you done since he met you. He is going to examine them all over an over and he's going to wonder what else you have lied to him about.

Do even of you weather this betrayal and he doesnt divorce you thr next time he finds another big lie like this he will.

So if I were you I would look deep into your closet and come clean completely. You get one chance here, and it's now.

From your responses so far I fear you won't take my advice or heed my warning. You still see the real problem here being the piece of scum who broke the silence. You need to stop seeing it that way.

I'll also point out that any scumbag who would bed a friends GF isn't truth worthy in any case so you shouldn't be at all surprised that he told your little secret of cheating. He's not a good or moral person, do what would you expect?

Please seriously consider my advice. It will require a lot of bravery on your part, and depending on what you've done, it will hurt your husband, but I guarantee you that this is your best and like only time to do it.
 
#69 ·
Listen I don't want to offend you I don't want you to feel like I am attacking you at all. I am just asking questions. I wish I could convey tone but text does have it's limitations. Understand I am trying to help and making sure you H knows the whole story. Not just what you feel comfortable sharing is crucial to the survival of your marriage.
 
#70 ·
I only cheated the 1 time, that's it. My H is mad because I have lied about it for 6 years, I have always denied that it happened. YES, I lied, I know it was wrong I know, I know. I was looking for advise to fix the situation. I made a horrible mistake, yes we were dating, in separate states, and it was a new relationship, I don't know where we stood on the only being together thing at the time, H is mad because it was his friend at the time and I lied.
 
#73 · (Edited)
Wait a minute- you HAVE ALWAYS DENIED it happened? That means, at some point, he suspected and asked you, maybe multiple times, and you flat-out LIED to his face? And then he learns it after he married you from the OM, his so-called friend?

Are you saying you had the chance to come clean long ago, and you decided not to?
 
#71 ·
Hi,

Sorry you are here, I hope your husband can forgive you and move on. Many times a marriage can be stronger if you both work together. I think that because you were not married yet, he should put that fact in perspective. Right now he is hurt all you can do is apologize and I think it would help if you explain to him why you did not come clean. Also tell him how bad you felt all this time hiding that from him. Last, I hope he can see the wife that he had has these years and not the girlfriend who cheated. I'm sure you wish for a time machine but, focus on the future.
If he can agree to MC it would really help.

Good luck
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#72 ·
this would be dealbreaker for me, obviously it is significant and you treated it insignificantly and deceptively. It just demonstrates a lot about how you deal with responsibility for your actions and now he will inevitably wonder what other significant things you will deliberately withhold from him.
 
#75 ·
There is nothing you can do to fix it.

Except allow him room to decide what he wants. Answer his questions truthfully and honestly. Tell him over and over you are sorry. Tell him the entire truth, even if he needs the gory details. Do not ever let him catch you trickle-truthing him - you get this one chance to come clean - COMPLETELY clean.

His trust and faith in you is shattered. You cannot ask for him to trust you. You must prove to him, bit by bit, that you are worthy of his trust eventually. You threw away the trust he gave you before. Now you must earn it back little by little.

And get the "friend" out of your lives for good. No contact - ever again.

Oh, and NEVER AGAIN try to justify what you did by pointing out his shortcomings.
 
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#77 ·
married2012 you're getting beat up pretty good in here huh?

Notice you're also getting very good advice if you read it all and are strong enough to take it in you could be ok.

The fact that your H is still physically with you and is still speaking to you tells me he doesn't want to lose you.

Do everything you can to make it easier for him to stay with you.
Listen to these people.
 
#83 ·
Sorry cant offer you help to get your husband back. I hope to help you put this in prospective so you can partially releive his suffering.

Right now I think you should let him have space and give yourself a chance to consider what you have done.

Essentially you conspired with this "friend" to decieve him. You two were more loyal to each other than each of you were to him.

He thought he had a wife and a friend who had his back and respected him. Instead he had two people who lied, cheated to protect each other.

He is the good man who was unfortunate enough to have two stealth enemies for 6 yrs. You had a chance to aliegn yourself wih the man who committed to you, provided you with love and companionship.

However, You chose to stay in league with his deceptive, bottom feeder of a "friend" who did not have the decency to stop pretending he respected your husband. .

Can you see what you did now? It would probably be better to let him go. Let him know you realize what you have done and that although you love him your way, you know that it is not enough for the marriage to continue.

That will in part atone for what you did. Go and live your life and take this as a lesson. It is a hard one but, what you did was hard.

I don't say the above in a holier than thou attitude but to help you put the focus on the man you wronged and not on yourself.

It will make it easier for him to move on if you tell him what he needs to hear. That is - You realize the massive wrong that you did and you are sorry for the pain you brought him and you do not want to prolong it.
 
#84 ·
Although I don't approve of what she did I don't think this should be a marriage-killer. I mean she wasn't even married when the encounter took place. I understand the husband should be upset but it is clear she loves him and would never cheat on him now that they are married. And looking at the 6 year lie in another perspective, she kept that inside her all this time and I'm sure it tormented her to some degree. Why did she hold in inside? Because she didn't want to lose him. She is a good woman who made a mistake PRE-marriage. She should be given another chance IMO
 
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#86 ·
One thing cheaters can never get their heads around is the fact that every great time you have had, you in the last few years, every single one of them that you and your husband thought was brilliant and the height of your love for each other ..................has just been a lie.

Your feelings have been based on something that was not actually there - 100% honesty and trust - in the first place. That makes it a lie.

For the betrayed that makes everything you / he have held good is in fact not the truth. That is killer. I have yet to see a wayward spouse that fully understands this (maybe only the tears thread)

This fundamental lie about the whole relationship is in a different league to some single indiscretion or affair - it's gone on over years. It's all consuming for the betrayed

Lets face it too - you were never going to tell him either.

I don't fancy your chances to be honest.
 
#87 ·
You didn't lie to him you simply chose not to share a one time event that really can't even be considered cheating in the true sense of the word. It was within the first few months and you were casually dating at the time.

Tell him you're sorry and offer to give him the sordid details if that's what he wants and then tell him you can't change the past, there is nothing else that he doesn't know and hopefully he can come to terms with it and you'll both move forward and if not you understand and respect his decision and you won't fight the divorce.

Stop the crying and the begging it's not going to work for you and will only strengthen his resolve and give him further validation that what you did was so wrong.
 
#90 ·
She said ....

I only cheated the 1 time, that's it. My H is mad because I have lied about it for 6 years, I have always denied that it happened. YES, I lied, I know it was wrong I know, I know. I was looking for advise to fix the situation. I made a horrible mistake, yes we were dating, in separate states, and it was a new relationship, I don't know where we stood on the only being together thing at the time, H is mad because it was his friend at the time and I lied.
 
#88 ·
I am confused.

You say you "lied."

Did you lie ONLY by omission, that is, you just omitted ever telling him?

Or did you actually flat-out lie when directly asked, "did you have sex with my friends?" or "who have your sexual partners been?"

If this were to happen to me, the fact that my wife had sex with someone else while we were first dating long distance would be NO BIG DEAL, but the fact that she lied to me, either directly or through omission, would be A HUGE PROBLEM.

The fact that it was with a close friend, SOMEONE I SAW AND STILL SEE ON A REGULAR BASIS, makes it a thousand times worse.

I find out, after I'm married, that my wife, has a SECRET PACT with my CLOSE FRIEND. The one person with whom I am supposed to share all secrets and my whole life, has conspired to keep a secret from me with my close friend.

What I do now, if I'm in this situation, is wonder how many glances they shared when any sexual topic came up. I try to remember, how many times have they been alone over the years? I wonder, how many times have they talked to each other on the phone or in person about this? Did they ever express desire for each other again? I wonder, how big a fool have I been made?

What would compel them to keep this a secret? Why would they immediately agree never to tell me? They must have thought it was wrong right the start. Whose idea was it to keep it a secret from me? If my future wife was afraid I would end the relationship over it, I understand her motivation at that time. But at some point before marriage, I would expect to be told. Probably shortly after I proposed and she accepted, or when we started to live together.

With no kids and just married, I probably explore my options. Can I get an annulment? Do I want to stay married? If I stay married, will I EVER trust my wife again?

I definitely jettison the close friend, no matter that he's the only reason I know. He still kept the secret. What was his motivation for keeping it initially? I would expect him to let me know almost immediately, "hey, sorry, I got drunk and screwed up and slept with that girl you like." That fact that he didn't shows he realized how much the girl meant to me.

If I find out the truth at this point, most likely, the relationship with the girl ends right then and there, and my close friend is not too close of a friend after this.

The sex itself, the sex act, means just about nothing to me. It's all about the keeping of the secret with another man who WE both see regularly. I feel like other man has a deeper connection with my wife than I do - or at least I wonder about it.

What do I expect of my wife if she wants to convince me to stay married? I expect her to show me and tell me that she gets it - that it's the secret and the lies that I'm upset about. After that, definitely to NOT have any contact with the former close friend. Don't do anything else to make him think you're conspiring with the other man. Don't do anything to make the situation any worse. Tell him that the only reason you lied was out of fear of losing him if he knew the truth.

Reverse the situation. Let's say that one of your close friends who you and your husband both see regularly tells you, "I had sex with your husband years ago, we both promised to keep it a secret forever, but I think you ought to know." Add to that, if it's the case, that your husband has lied to you (as many times as you have lied to him about it). How would you feel and what would you do?
 
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