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I cheated 6 years ago and he just found out

108K views 256 replies 76 participants last post by  sinnister 
#1 ·
Hi, I'm new here, but here's my story...
7 years ago when I first met my husband I cheated on him, we had just started dating and he asked me to go out with a friend of his that was in town, we ended up getting really drunk and sleeping together. I made a horrible mistake and we both agreed to never talk about it or mention it again. My husband and I just got married a few moths ago and we were really happy together, and his friend decided to tell him the truth about that night. My husband is devastated and wants to dissolve our marriage, he hates me now and says he will never trust me again. I'm not a bad person I swear, I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend. I would have to say I have put up with more than any one person would from a man and he knows that, but I think this may be a breaking point for him. I have already cried, said how sorry I was and he knows how much I love him. I'm lost I don't know what to do?
 
#91 ·
Cut this man out of YOUR life including his fiancé.

Tell the OM fiancé whether he has or not. Outline how deceitful it was. Explain you are trying to fix things with your hubby and your lies have hurt your marriage as an example to her.

Say all your old memories are tainted by the secrets foolishly kept, but you intend on making as many new good CLEAN. Memories as he will allow you.

But the biggest issue is did you DIRECTLY lie to your husband about schtupping his friend?
 
#92 ·
She lied but she lied because she loves her husband and doesn't want to lose him. Isn't the most important thing the fact that she loves her husband and since the day she said "I do", she has been faithful to him? Who gives a rats behind what happened BEFORE they were married?

I think some of you people are being unfairly hard on this girl. IMO the guy shares some of the blame for setting her up on a date with his friend. Who the hell does that? I sure as hell wouldn't.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. None of us are perfect. And we ALL lie.
 
#94 ·
Sorry but nope. Her early posts show clearly that she was upset because the deliberate choice to cheat and then hide it had been revealed. At no time was the question, how do I help my husband feel less pain.

Clearly from the moment she chose to have sex with the scumbag false friend, she new it was cheating, yet she did choose to do it. She also immediately entered into a conspiracy of silence with the OM. She knew her choice would would cause permanent damage to her relationship with her the bf. so she hid it, then when she got married she continued to hide it.

To make matters worse, she continue to lie while happily having the OM continue to pretend to be a friend to her husband. The guy is no friend to him at all, and definitely needs to be cut out.

I'd even inform the guys fiancé why you are cutting him out of your lives.
 
#93 ·
To me it wouldn't matter if it's a lie of omission or outright told something false, the point is it was either something she didn't consider significant enough to share, or else so significant she chose to cover it up. In this case it is obviously significant and I think it's pretty clear she has known that all along. Doesn't matter what exactly the original misbehavior was, sex with his friend, stealing money from an old lady, being a hired assassin, whatever... The issue was not her promiscuity or even the sexual encounter with the friend, it's the disrespect for her spouse that has been shown to him ever since she and his friend decided to cover it up. That is real betrayal.
 
#96 ·
I think the problem is your hubby married you believing you were not a cheater and that you shared the same values. You are not that person.

Do you think he would have married if he knew you cheated? If no, then you can likely see why your betrayal is so painful for him. You took away the right for him to make informed decisions about the path of his life.
 
#97 ·
The image that he once held of you is no longer the image he can hold on to. You are different.
As IllWill said, there is now a huge value shift between you both and you can no longer view relationships from the same page.
Believe us when we tell you that the lie is as bad as the action.
And that friend is just a snake in the grass
 
#98 ·
I'm having a hard time agreeing with everyone on this.

Did she cheat on her then new boyfriend? Well his best friend certainly did. I think what she did was dumb and insensitive, but no one here has proven to me they were exclusive at the time she did this. Are you all to believe her then-boyfriend wasn't sleeping with other women? C'mon he was in a different state. No way he wasn't playing the field while they were apart. I have a hard time seeing where they were exclusive.

She didn't cheat. She just did something stupid and insensitive by doing his friend. That was indeed cruel.

They've only been married a few months. I think she should offer to meet him at the Courthouse and file jointly for an annulment. No lawyers needed and they can get it over quickly. From the way she talks he doesn't sound like he's that great of a husband anyway, and I too believe he was looking for a convenient excuse to end a marriage he didn't want in the first place.

Sorry yall. Can't ride the bandwagon on this one.
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#100 ·
OP, I and others have asked you directly whether you lied to your husband. You go silent or evade answering this question.

You say you want help saving the marriage, yet you won't even come clean with the full extent of what you've done.

There is no hope for R unless and until you can.
 
#101 ·
I did say that I lied go back a page I said I lied for 6 years about it. I did lies and I know how bad that is but that's all I have ever lied to him about. BTW this wasn't his best friend or anything he was more of an aquantiance at the time.
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#103 ·
Ya I'm not saying what married did wasn't wrong but I find it odd how quickly he's willing to bail on the marriage over that. Although it's possible he just doesn't believe anything she says since he had to find out from his friend and not her.

How long has it been since D-Day? You sure he might not just need some time to cool down and reconsider? Sorry if this has been asked and answered I only read the first couple of pages.
 
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#104 ·
Unless there was a bona fide commitment between the two of you, in my opinion, you weren't "cheating". Its come up on this site before where the first person later married the second person they were dating, had sex with a third person before any real commitment to the second person (other than multiple date) and somehow "betrayed" the person they married.
I'm not sure how some define cheating. But to me its having an emotional/physical relationship with someone other than the person you're knowingly and willfully committed. Seeing others during "casual", although multiple dates, that later turn into a committed relationship does not constitute cheating. Where am I wrong?
 
#107 · (Edited)
The way married is expressing it, it sounds like he asked her directly,

"Did somthing happen between you two?"

She replied no nothing!

"Is that the truth you two never slept together?

No honey I would tell you if we did!

And then they got married and she denied it for six years,

Thats a wagon load of shjt to swallow!

Yeah she has some making up to do!


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#111 ·
1. In 2006, Married2012 and future husband were in a casual long-distance relationship.

2. Future husband asked Married2012 to keep his acquaintance company while acquaintance was in Married2012's town. Married2012 agreed to do this as a favor for future husband.

3. Married2012 went out drinking with acquaintance, got drunk, had sex with acquaintance, and the next day, made an agreement with the acquaintance to never tell future husband what happened. THE SEX DOES NOT CONSTITUTE CHEATING. However, the agreement to keep future husband in the dark about this forever is an agreement to LIE TO HIM, which is the real issue here. There was NO CHEATING, but there was A LIE. Question: Whose idea was the agreement never to tell? Who brought up this idea?

4. Future husband and Married2012 continued there casual relationship, which got progressively more serious. At some point, future husband and Married2012 moved to the same city, and became engaged, and eventually got married. At every step of the way, future husband asked Married2012, point blank, did you ever have sex with acquainance? At every step of the way, Married2012 LIED about having sex with acquaintance. By the way, as I understand it, acquaintance, over time, also became more than just an acquaintance and became a person who future husband came to consider as one of his closest friends.

The issue is the continued lying, not the sex itself, which was not cheating at all, but the issue is with the LIES told. The lies are compounded by the fact that this is not some stranger who future husband never sees, but someone who has become a close friend and he sees all the time.

Future husband now wonders (most likely) what else Married2012 has lied about. He also wonders, would I have married her if she had told me the truth about the sex with my acquaintance?

Married2012, please correct anything I've posted that is not accurate.
 
#119 ·
OP. Did you directly lie to him at some point saying you never screwed friend when you in fact did?

If they were dating but had not asked for exclusivity this is NOT cheating. Cheating starts at the point where boy asks girl "want to be my exclusive girlfriend?"
 
#120 ·
I don't see where, under the circumstances of their non exclusive relationship, that what she did was any of his business. Asking her who she had sex with was rude and none of his business.

The a $$ hole is the supposed friend.

Unless there are holes in this story.
 
#124 ·
Married2012, I may have missed something. Did your husband, then Boyfriend, ask you, straight up, if you slept with this guy and did you tell him "no, I did not sleep with him"?
Whether that's the case or not, if you were casually dating, in no committed relationship with him, it was none of his business if you were sleeping with X,Y,and Z. No more that it was any of your business if he was dating and sleeping with other chicks during this time. Which more than likely he was. At least I would be.
If he stays on this road, he's more concerned about his ego dealing with his buddy who "knows" you than he is about the marriage. You may want to question his maturity. He's coming off like a 17 year old.
 
#125 ·
I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend. I would have to say I have put up with more than any one person would from a man and he knows that, but I think this may be a breaking point for him.

Married I highlighted the part that makes you sound entitled.

Can you explain this comment?

Also, if you really wanna know what to do to make up to your husband I have a suggestion.

Make a decision to be honest about everything with your H. If there is anything else he needs to know then tell him.

Then both of you make a decision whether the OM gets to be in your lives or not.

I hope both of you say no.

Then ask your H if he wants to handle it, or both of you to handle it.

Then go meet the OM, in front of his fiance and let him know what you both decided.

After that kick his friend in the nuts for being an ass and walk away.

Other than that there is really nothing else you could do.

The fate of your marriage is in your husbands hands.

You lied to him for 6 years.

You should be the TAM poster child for when we tell people that the truth always catches up to them.

Did you have sex with anyone else while dating your husband???
 
#127 · (Edited)
If you are given a second chance..... Do not waste it, you have a long road ahead of you and your H will never trust you like he once did.... Cheating with his friend is worst then cheating with a stranger.

Drunk or not you just should never go there. If he slept with a good friend of yours then, and lied about... Would you forgive him now?

I am not trying to be a prick to you, but your H will be replaying your actions in his mind for years, he will wonder why for years, he will question himself on why he stayed with you for years.... Your wedding, the honeymoon all those great memories are now **** to him.... He will be thinking of those past dates in a negative light.

Can you all overcome this and have a stronger marriage better marriage then before....yes. But it isn't going to be easy, this can't be swept away.... You need to give all control to your H, you need to help him heal.

Don't for one minute think this wasn't as painful to him as it would be cheating on him today.... It is and even though you were not married at the time and still in the early phases of a relationship.., it still hurts, you still lied, and were deceitful with a FRIEND of his who he trusted you with. When he was on cloud 9 over meeting and dating you, you were sleeping with his buddy.

I do hope he takes you back and I hope you do the right things so he will never question that decision.
 
#128 ·
married2012, it seems to me from you posts that some time after the ONS, but very early in your relationship, that your then bf, now H, actually asked you if you had had sex with his friend. Or at least hinted to that possibility. Am I right?

If so, you did not tell him the truth. Your relationship blossomed and you then got married. Now your husband has been told that you indeed had sex with his friend that night..

So, to me anyway, your boyfriend must have wanted to know this before he got more serious in your relationship. I'm not saying he wouldn't have married you had you had told him the truth then, but he would have been able to make his decision on the facts. I feel that this unto itself is the biggest problem here. Yes you were just starting out and the "lines" may have been blurry. Your Husband was looking for a clearer picture. It wasn't given to him. Now he's second guessing your whole relationship from the ONS on. I would too. I'm sorry, but you should have told him then. It would have sucked hearing it back then, but now... well I don't have to tell you.

I do hope you both can work this out.
 
#130 ·
married2012, I just had a strange thought. What if the friend was actually suppose to "test" married2012's "moral code" and report his findings to her now Husband? "Hey, if she get's touchy feely, let me know. She got touchy feely, the friend couldn't stop himself. They have a ONS. The friend is so worried about this, that he reports back "She was nothing but charming." Then on his friend's way to the alter, he has to 'fess up so the new Mrs. Friend doesn't find out after the wedding... I know, reaching, but it would explain the inter-state request for a semi-best friend to be escorted by his new girlfriend in a night on the town. Wouldn't it?

I'm sorry married2012 if it seems that I'm making light of you situation, I'm not, believe me. I just can't get over the fact that your Husband would have you(a new girlfriend) go out on the town, with his friend, while he's in another State. If he did indeed question you on if anything had happened on that night, this could be plausible. The way this whole night even came about is just so out of the norm...
 
#131 ·
That does seem odd to me since at that time he apparently was just somebody he knew and not really a "friend."

How did he know him if he lived in a different state?

Was your husband cheated on in a previous relationship or relationships? Did he come from a home where there was infidelity, particularly by his mom? A "test" seems odd but if he has trust issues then possibly. His response in addition to having such a long relationship before marriage (assuming because of him) could indicate trust issues.
 
#133 ·
Just be blameless from here on. What would the Church Lady do? Do that (except on the bedroom)

Be very upfront. "I got drunk and made a bad choice (this isn't a mistake. I've been staggering drunk and not had sex with women who would have been happy at the chance). We both had a lot to lose, so we decided never to mention it again. EVER. It made me feel like a cheap and tawdry person and I wanted to forget I could ever do something like that to anyone, much less you."

"Right now, you probably think that every time I was alone with POS, I was giving him sultry looks or a hummer. No, I wasn't. I got more and more in love with you. But I have absolutely no way to prove this to you. And after this one lie, how can you believe me on this issue? Well, I'm saying it anyway. It was a one night thing and yes, I was not always the girl you pictured in your mind. I had a lapse and I feel as dirty now as I did when I woke up that morning."

"So...here is my cell and email passwords. Here is my FB password. Check whatever you want to. I may see me griping about you with my friends, but I love you and want to stay married to you. All this happened very early in our relationship before it solidified, but that doesn't justify me doing that to ANYBODY, much less you. And I am sorry that I hurt you. I never want to see that POS again, not because the truth came from him, but honestly, I don't think he acted very well as a friend. I didn't act particularly well as a long distance girlfriend either, but I've been doing a lot more for you since then. I've given you my life. I hope that's enough for you to get over this so we can remake our relationship."
 
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