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I cheated 6 years ago and he just found out

108K views 256 replies 76 participants last post by  sinnister 
#1 ·
Hi, I'm new here, but here's my story...
7 years ago when I first met my husband I cheated on him, we had just started dating and he asked me to go out with a friend of his that was in town, we ended up getting really drunk and sleeping together. I made a horrible mistake and we both agreed to never talk about it or mention it again. My husband and I just got married a few moths ago and we were really happy together, and his friend decided to tell him the truth about that night. My husband is devastated and wants to dissolve our marriage, he hates me now and says he will never trust me again. I'm not a bad person I swear, I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend. I would have to say I have put up with more than any one person would from a man and he knows that, but I think this may be a breaking point for him. I have already cried, said how sorry I was and he knows how much I love him. I'm lost I don't know what to do?
 
#137 ·
Posters

Please keep to the facts. She hasn't had multiple affairs and the guy wasn't her husband's best friend. Please don't fabricate facts to make the situation worse than it already is. We want to help op in a supportive environment.

I am asking for constructive advice from posters.
 
#138 ·
Ya. I can understand some tough love + constructive critcism for a WS (which I don't even think the OP falls under) but some of these posts are pretty much just tough criticism and nothing else.
 
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#139 ·
I have a very similar story.

When I was dating my now wife (after a couple of months of dating), I slept with an ex-girlfriend. About a year later, when my now wife and I were more serious, a friend of mine convinced me that I should tell her what I did. I told her, she was very upset, but we got married a few years later. It still bothers her and she still holds resentment about it and she still brings it up when we are fighting. We have been married for 25 years.

I think of myself as a faithful husband. Been married for 25 years and never cheated. But she thinks of me as a cheater.

Don't minimize how this affects him. Hopefully, over time, he will realize this happened at a time that your relationship with him was just starting. I hope he can let go of it and not have it affect your relationship long term like what has happened to me.
 
#140 ·
did you ever introduce your ex gf to your wife at any time? Continue to socialise with your ex while dating your wife?

One (of a few things) that irks me about my fiance's EA (as we were not officially exclusive either) is that I know now certain things that happened were direct results of his relationship with her. Like refusing to buy a round when he was meeting my friends for the first time because I know now that he felt like his EA had twisted his arm to close a bar tab just the week before.
 
#145 ·
I think it has been very helpful....well for me anyway.

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who still feels strongly at what can at best be described as inappropriate behavior years after the fact.

Some people also crystallised some of the misgivings that i still feel but had yet to articulate.

I think as we get older and have greater self esteem, we raise our game and have higher expectations for those who WANT to be around us.

Which manifests itself in various ways. I, for one, have come to despise that expression "I was just being honest." Sorry, but that's not enough for me these days.
 
#144 ·
The big issue here is that we don't know where her husband stands in all this. We're just hearing Married's side. We have no idea how her husband is taking this, or what exactly is hurting him. It's all assumptions on our part.

Married, tell your husband to post here. Because Bandit is right - this thread is going nowhere fast.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#146 ·
I believe he is more hurt about the lie than anything, I wish I knew more he is not really talking to me about it. He has acted distant and seems angry but he still says I love you and have a good day in the morning?? I'm not sure what he is thinking right now, neither one of us is the best at communicating and so far it does not seem that he wants to talk.
 
#149 ·
You need to be looking to the future.

As I said before, time to completely clean your closet of skeletons.

Next you need to see about rebuilding trust. Accepting without any qualifications the responsibility for choosing to cheat on him, and to lie to him for 6 years.

Help him cut the false friend out your lives.

That's a start at showing him you are going to work hard to help him heal.

But realize he isn't going to trust you for a long time to come. Years even. And he is going to go through moments of depression and anger.
 
#151 ·
You need to be looking to the future.

As I said before, time to completely clean your closet of skeletons.

Next you need to see about rebuilding trust. Accepting without any qualifications the responsibility for choosing to cheat on him, and to lie to him for 6 years.

Help him cut the false friend out your lives.

That's a start at showing him you are going to work hard to help him heal.

But realize he isn't going to trust you for a long time to come. Years even. And he is going to go through moments of depression and anger.
This makes me feel better since this is what I feel despite the fact that he's done everything right for more than an year and a half.
 
#157 ·
To me, it just comes under the list of inappropriate and not wise. If you are going to screw around, why do it with the friend of a guy you think you could have a serious relationship with.

That's like I think in my situation, if my fiancé had any idea that our relationship would go the distance, then why miss important points between us. Like making plans to see me the day I return from a 3 week trip.

Plus for a anyone to have sex with someone their best buddy is dating just comes off as passive aggressive.

It's not cheating but it is inappropriate.....which is on the continuum of cheating......
 
#158 ·
The level of cheating is debatable in terms of sleeping with his friend during that time when you first started seeing each other.

BUT the sleeping with a friend and never telling him part would make me want to file if I was him. The cover up would be much worse than something that happened when you first met.
 
#160 ·
To insinuate that she slept with 10 men and some of the other things that are being posted is not only not helping, it could drive her away. She just made light of the fact that her then boyfriend, now Husband had 3 women at his place the night her ONS occured. What do now have to say about him?...

We don't have all the facts, or even enough to make some of the assumtions that are being posted here. She scewed up. She came her looking for help. You don't have to handle her with kit gloves, but could we reign in some of the comments. They're not helping us.

I'm a former BS and I understand the shark mentality we have. One of use types an edgey post, then were on in, a big feeding frenzy. I agree that some of the WS's that come here need the harsher words. I don't married2012 is on of them.
 
#162 ·
The only thing you MAY be guilty of is Ommission-----some where prior to saying vows, you might have told him, you didn't, ain't the end of the world, shouldn't be the end of your mge.

You were not exclusive, in different cities, and not in a committed relationship, you could have slept with everyone on your street---it was NOT HIS BUSINEES, at that TIME.

Also why now, 6 yrs later as to his buddy telling him---is the buddy still a buddy---this smacks of something not quite right maybe on your H's part

You need to tell him to get over himself, cuz I imagine, he has lied about things or possibly kept secrets----EVERYONE IN THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD HAS AND DOES!!!!!!
 
#163 ·
Did we ever find out if she DIRECTLY lied to him? Not omission. A bold faced LIE.

IE:
HOney did you fu(k my friend Fred 6 years ago?
No I did not.

Otherwise Im failing to see fault.
Cheating begins when exclusivity is agreed upon by both parties. As I understand it they had not gone exclusive at the time. She could damn well had 10 guys dripping out of her and its not his concern.
 
#164 ·
I just read your OP. I don't think its cheating unless you're exclusive. But you made a bad call when you decided to keep it to yourself. You should have confessed at the first opportunity you could have had a much more open and honest relationship without being scared and feeling guilty about the secret.
 
#166 ·
I think this is something that time will look after.

Of course he was hurt to find out his now wife slept with his friend many years ago. But the reality is they had just begun dating.

Yes, she should have told her now husband about the friend, but I understand why she didn't.

Give you husband some time. He is hurt by what he found out, but he will eventually come to realize this isn't the end of the world.

I bet the chances are pretty high that your husband at one time dated someone for a bit and ended up with someone else. I bet this has happened to a fairly high percentage of people. If something like 30% of people cheat while married, what percentage of people cheat while casually dating? Many don't even think of it as cheating at all.
 
#169 ·
It was a bold face lie. I did lie when he asked, over the past few years it became a joke he would always joke that I slept with his friend and I would say no that's not true. I lied, I kept lying too.
Did I feel guilt, yes every time he joked about it I did, but I knew he would flip out. he ignored me this morning, never said a word to me and the last email he sent me said he regretted marring me.
I did however talk to his sister and told her what happened, she thinks this is ridiculous and he is behaving like a child. She said he has many skeletons in his closet and not to worry those may come out also. So I have no idea, at this point Im lost, I dont know what to do.
 
#170 · (Edited)
So it is the LIE that hurts him and has caused his lack of trust.

That and the humiliation and emasculation he feels knowing he and the two of you spent time together over the last few years and you both knew and kept it from him. Especially when he asked over and over for the truth.

That will be harder for him to get over than you think.
 
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#171 ·
I dont think his sister is trying to stir the pot, I think she is just saying hey look everyone has skeletons and we all lie to protect others, and he should see that.
I dont have anything else to lay out there, thats it. and trust me even if he had a skeleton, he would not throw it out there, its easier to play the victim than to be the bad guy and right now I am the bad guy and the most hated person.
 
#172 · (Edited)
You're the "bad guy" because he based his actions and associations on false information. For example, had I known six years ago, I might be with you still but no way in hell I would still be friends with this man and give him continued access to my wife. But he was denied the opportunity to make that decision.

You did not lie to protect him. You lied to protect YOURSELF. Get that through your head and you will be one step closer to genuine reconciliation.

You cannot shift the blame for what you did to him. Please understand that the BS feels like the ground just gave way under their feet, and they are trying to grab hold of what is real and what isn't. He will now question EVERY SINGLE THING you ever did that made him suspicious. Every white lie just became evidence that you are not trustworthy. Every time you were late coming home is now open to speculation. It is not fair to you, but it is HELL for him.

And it isn't rational, but learning of a betrayal, even YEARS later, comes with the same emotional damage as if he just walked in on you both yesterday. It's ancient history to you. To him, it just finally became real.

He'll also be so angry because for years his gut was telling him something was wrong, and for years you told him he was, basically, crazy. So he's likely been beating himself up for years for suspecting his loving, faithful, truthful wife.

He now needs to re-assess you in light of this new evidence and see if he still wants the new, more correct version of you, that he now has to work with. I hope he will but he may not.

I'm not trying to knock you in any way. I am trying to help you see things from the other set of eyes.
 
#173 · (Edited)
Lady:

WHY did the friend tell your husband after all these years?
Can you fathom a real reason for that?



If your husband has the following line of thought, how would you address it?

-- Your trysts continued even after marriage, and when the friend was about to get married, he wanted to call it off with you in order to make a clean start with his new wife. But you threatened him with exposure of some sort if he dared to break off with you (yes, that would jeopardize your marriage as well, but a threat is often mostly bluff, isn’t it?). So, he preemptively conveyed his version of it to your husband, before you relayed an exaggerated version, which put the bulk of the onus on the friend (say, he blackmailed you into continuing the affair).

Yes, this sounds like a paranoid / delusive scenario. Could he be that paranoid / delusive?
 
#175 ·
"That and the humiliation and emasculation he feels knowing he and the two of you spent time together over the last few years and you both knew and kept it from him. Especially when he asked over and over for the truth."

That, right there is what the problem is and what to do about it. You can't fix half of his humiliation or emasculation because that is the result of this "friend" and not the fact that you slept with someone else while dating. You have done everything you can possibly do to apologize and get back to being married and working together.

It really sounds like your H is acting like a spoiled sport, like a sulking pouting child... he has said he regrets marrying you? He is NOT a BS!!! He has been lied to but hasn't been betrayed.

Then I suggest you take him at his word and honor his request. Maybe he will change his mind at some point down the road and maybe he won't. But do to really want this to be a shadow through out your entires married lives together?
 
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#176 ·
Wow I wish people were as unemotional and completely rational as you insist they should be.

He's been lied to. About sex between his wife and a friend. For YEARS. Now he feels backed into a corner and might be lashing out a bit. Give the guy at least a few days to process this before turning him into a "spoil sport". What a tacky thing to call someone who just learned something like this.
 
#184 ·
I'm in the position where I am asked --by those who know the details, mostly on message boards of course but sometimes in real life, -- if those things happened so early on, why are you still with him?

So instinctively, many people feel that no matter how good it may be going forward, knowing about the nitty gritty in the beginning --

in married's position -- her husband having to come to terms with her having had sex with her bf/future husband's friend

and in my position, I had to deal with the indignity of my fiance's multidating and then being told what a great friend this woman was when she clearly saw me as competition, some friend that is.....--

it becomes annoying having to justify your choice and it does make you want to review things.......

it's difficult.
 
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