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I cheated 6 years ago and he just found out

108K views 256 replies 76 participants last post by  sinnister 
#1 ·
Hi, I'm new here, but here's my story...
7 years ago when I first met my husband I cheated on him, we had just started dating and he asked me to go out with a friend of his that was in town, we ended up getting really drunk and sleeping together. I made a horrible mistake and we both agreed to never talk about it or mention it again. My husband and I just got married a few moths ago and we were really happy together, and his friend decided to tell him the truth about that night. My husband is devastated and wants to dissolve our marriage, he hates me now and says he will never trust me again. I'm not a bad person I swear, I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend. I would have to say I have put up with more than any one person would from a man and he knows that, but I think this may be a breaking point for him. I have already cried, said how sorry I was and he knows how much I love him. I'm lost I don't know what to do?
 
#191 ·
Married2012, there is always the possibility that your husband is thinking if that ONS was really the only time you slept with his friend? Especially since you kept lying about it this long.
 
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#194 ·
Yes, let them react as they choose to.

Understand that going forward is the issue here, not judging what happened 7 years ago, or the subsequent lies to keep it in the closet. But how to go forward. My opinion is YOU can't go forward. Only your Husband can.

Yes, he is absolutely acting childish. I just had a conversation along these same lines the other night with girlfriends. Women would be upset for a while, they might wonder about honesty going forward, but they would *mostly* put their energy into figuring out how to move forward with the marriage. Not so men. Men will brood and doubt and wonder and doubt and lick their wounds for the next ten years.

Thats the double standard that irkes me to no end. A woman who is *****ing about her H having slept with her friend while they were dating would be hell fire pissed off... For about a week. Then she'd get over it, never have anything to do with that friend and even tarnish the reputation of the friend, but her marriage would never come into question or doubt. And if she did voice those doubts about having married under false pretense, every other woman would tell her to GET OVER IT!

It's the double standards in what is acceptable that I can't tolerate. You guys are seeing yourselves in her H's shoes, but are you seeing yourselves in HER shoes? And if you did, how different would you answers be?
 
#211 ·
Excuse me, but you are...perhaps not incorrect, but correct for only a small subsection of women.

If I had done this to my wife, where she found out that I had slept with another woman before marriage, I would probably set my cot up in a walk in freezer because it would be warmer than my marital bed!

I would be frozen out and treated like a lying sack of sh*t for at LEAST a month. It would come up for YEARS afterwards about how I did this..and did I look at that girl? How many women are you sleeping with now? Oh...did you trip and fall on top of ANOTHER of my friends?

My wife is behaving very well about this EA, but I'm still getting the insecurities and the passive aggressive "I want a divorce thing" 14 months later.

And you know what? I OWN what I did. She asked me for an STD test. I never touched the woman. I was never in the same TIME ZONE of this woman...but I was in the time zone of SOME women.

So please get off your high horse about how evolved women are over men. Some are. Some aren't. This guy has had maybe a week or two to get over this, with OM rubbing his wounds in salt.

Give him a month and THEN you have room to criticize.

Frankly, I think this is more about the principle you constantly and vigoriously defend that a single woman can sleep with ANYONE she wants to and it's nobody's business but her own. I understand the trenchant attitude...but it's unrealistic because unrestrained sex like that will hurt someone. Take a look at this situation Q.E.D.
 
#196 ·
I have been cheated on before, several times, by different boyfriends. Some I broke up with and a few I forgave, yes it was difficult at the time but I got over it and moved on. I'm not asking my H to just get over and move on (yes I wish he would, but I know that's not right) but I'm asking for forgiveness for something that happened a long time ago.
 
#197 ·
I have been cheated on before, several times, by different boyfriends. Some I broke up with and a few I forgave, yes it was difficult at the time but I got over it and moved on. I'm not asking my H to just get over and move on (yes I wish he would, but I know that's not right) but I'm asking for forgiveness for something that happened a long time ago.
It might help you both if you are able to imagine it happened yesterday. There's a temporal distance that you enjoy, that your H does not.
 
#199 ·
Wow, what a thread.

Everyone seems to be one extreme or the other. There's the
"Hubby is insecure and needs to grow up"

And then the

"Brand her with a scarlet letter"

OP...you did betray your husband, not sexually but worse, in trust. You broke his trust multiple times.

Your hubby doesn't know what's real or a lie with you right now, even if your ONLY lie EVER is this one, you are now seen as a liar. My mother used to preach that to me, "It's how often you lie that brands you a liar, it's the fact that you lied once, so be VERY careful about telling the truth. Nothing hurts more than to tell the truth and have someone you care about not believe you." She was right! (I got that lesson when I was in second grade and my brother left the cap off the toothpaste and I ended up taking the fall and being blamed for it, my brother was a better liar than I was a truth teller LOL)

The reality for your husband is this.

1. NOONE likes to think about their spouse having sex while they were "together". Most can 100% accept it, but noone LIKES it.
2. The fact that the person was a "friend" kicks that up a bit

Those 2 things are easily overcome, it's the lie part.

All you can do is be 100% honest and keep expressing how it was a hole you dug and once in, you couldn't figure out how to get out. If he truly loves you, he'll get over it, as long as you don't have any other lies (if you do, get em out). If he doesn't truly love you, then it's over but that's not necessarily bad, do you want to be married to a man who doesn't love you enough to work through things.
 
#200 · (Edited)
Let's try this one more time. Another mod issued two warnings on this thread. I have just finished deleting a bunch of posts which were in violation of those warnings and/or a thread-jack.

Please stop making ASSUMPTIONS and arguing among yourselves. We are here to offer constructive advice to the OP. Please be respectful towards other members!
 
#201 ·
To me.... If it wasn't with his friend and you didn't lie about over and over.... I would agree with your SIL. But, if you can cheat with someone close to him an lie about it for years to come, what else are you capable of....

You guys lived in different states at the time and the relationship was new and before a true commitment. But if that is the case, why not come clean.... Well it is because who you slept with and the fact that your H trusted you two together without him there. You know how wrong it was.... Saying it was years ago.... Doesn't make it better for him but worse.
 
#204 ·
Re: Re: I cheated 6 years ago and he just found out



Yes, it isn't the stuff that happened 6 years ago that he will have trouble forgiving, it is the stuff from up to a few days ago that he will have a hard time reconciling.
 
#206 ·
We have had some email conversations- nothing but small talk at home.
I find it odd that he has not yet told his mom about the situation- he tells her everything, they are very close.

The emails have been pretty heartbreaking, he said he has a hard time looking at me, but he did say he did not regret marring me, that his anger comes in waves and he is trying to figure out how to deal with it.
 
#207 ·
We have had some email conversations- nothing but small talk at home.
I find it odd that he has not yet told his mom about the situation- he tells her everything, they are very close.
Misplaced shame, also this is an indicator he intends to stay with you.
He doesn't want you tarnished in his families eyes.
Makes for crappy holidays.

The emails have been pretty heartbreaking, he said he has a hard time looking at me, but he did say he did not regret marring me, that his anger comes in waves and he is trying to figure out how to deal with it.
You're going to be fine if you don't screw it up.
You're also going to need the patience of a saint.
Vent here instead of at him if you need to.
Kid gloves with him.

Keep in mind the advice you've gotten..

Transparency
Empathy
Compassion
PATIENCE
Love
Remorse

What has he done about his "friend"?
Anything?
 
#208 ·
I think this thread points out some categories of betrayal that come into play in committed relationships.

there are:

1. Adultery - you have to married for that to happen
2. cheating - you have to be officially exclusive for that to happen whether cohabitating or not
3. Inappropriate behavior - (if someone has a snappier term then please let us have it.)

Since the OP never told her husband about her assignation with is friend and always said no it never happened when it was raised even in jest, would that suggest that she was doing something wrong.

One thing I learned in the early days of my relationship with my fiance was that there is a camp of people a la Dr. Laura (since my sister was big fan of hers), who pretty much said, since you're not exclusive yet, it's none of your business.

I'm sorry, it is my business. Because in dating, we know particularly when a man can afford it, that how much money he spends on a date says something about how much he values the person he is seeing.

and even better, if he is dating two women at the time, I'm sure most people would agree that the woman he spends more money on (the actual date, the transportation to and from, her friends.....) than the other, well which one would you conclude that he prefers most.

Perhaps a guy can help me see this a man's point of view, if you knew the woman that you were dating was dating another man.....what would be a few indications that she liked one guy more than another.........
 
#209 ·
Perhaps a guy can help me see this a man's point of view, if you knew the woman that you were dating was dating another man.....what would be a few indications that she liked one guy more than another.........
When I started dating my wife she was dating other men as well for the first few months.

The biggest indicator of her preference for me was that she was always available to me, she would put a date with me before time spent with another suitor.
 
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#210 ·
In any case, I think it's appropriate on this message board to think about situations and behaviors in view of the possibility that you can see this person as your future spouse........ so that you won't screw it up......

and I mean it for people on both sides of the equation.......

I always think that I had allowed things to go one without my intervention, I could have back in 2011 spent half my week at my fiance's place; turning down offers to date other men; spending my savings on dating him as I wasn't working due to chemotherapy but he was always hassling me because he "forgot to go to the cash machine." ........

and then while continuing to be in contact with his EA, I could have been blindsided by their getting together because I don't want to act like I'm "jealous and insecure"

I'm glad I got over that.

In at least one conversation my fiance says that he regrets getting in touch with HER (real name).

As far as the other side of this equation, if you knew that
1. having sex or even spending the night with your future husband's best buddy was going to be a problem
2. dating one or more other guys who are not too discrete......

are going to create a problem with your future husband......

(I certainly learned at an early age that men don't like multidating.....)
 
#214 ·
He has not done anything about the friend, not that I know.
I did offer to leave, I said I would give him time and space if thats what he needed (he indicated that in an email) even for a few days or a year whatever he needed. He said no he did not want me to leave and he was going to work hard at overcoming this. Thats a good sign, right?

I do want to thank everyone for the great advise, I have really been trying this patience thing out, and I have been doing all that you guys have said. I know I messed up big time, but maybe, just maybe we will be able to move past this.

I do have to start taking a little better care of myself, I have been so stressed out this week I have not been able to eat or sleep and I feel sick all the time. I don't think Ill be must good to him or support if I don't eat a meal and sleep for a few hours. I'm glad its Friday at least I will have the weekend to recover.
 
#216 ·
He has not done anything about the friend, not that I know.
I did offer to leave, I said I would give him time and space if thats what he needed (he indicated that in an email) even for a few days or a year whatever he needed. He said no he did not want me to leave and he was going to work hard at overcoming this. Thats a good sign, right?
Yes, it's a great sign.
I really think the two of you are going to be ok.

I do have to start taking a little better care of myself, I have been so stressed out this week I have not been able to eat or sleep and I feel sick all the time. I don't think Ill be must good to him or support if I don't eat a meal and sleep for a few hours. I'm glad its Friday at least I will have the weekend to recover.
Make this more of a priority for you.
You can't do him any good if you are falling apart.

:)
 
#215 ·
The difference is pretty obvious here. You knew it was wrong to some degree because you actively chose to keep it a secret.

Big difference between not telling, and actively conspiring to not tell.

He's probably upset it happened, but more upset by actively choosing to keep him in the dark. It makes it a bigger deal. Just try to make him understand that you know the secrecy was the bigger issue somehow.
 
#219 ·
Guys,

We're well beyond blaming and shaming.

I'm pretty sure the OP is well aware she ****ed up lets move on to helping her fix it a little more.

This place is supposed to be pro-marriage and this one is an easy one to help out with.
which includes helping her to understand how her partner and other (important) parties might feel about the situation
 
#221 ·
Married, in my opinion you're doing all you can do. The rest is up to him. If he's like some on this site, he'll be p.o.'d that you slept with his so-called friend, realize that his hands may have a little dirt on um, that the future years with you out weighs a single indiscretion before he was much more than a casual date and come to his senses.
If he's like some others, you cheated and lied and can never be forgiven. If that turns out to be the case, believe me, you don't want to be yoked to someone who sits on the "throne of judgement" and doles you a lifetime sentence.
If I were giving advice to him it would be this. Both me and my wife were casually dating several others before, when, and shortly after we started dating. We became exclusive and eventually got married. Ive never was and still not the type to ask, "Hey, I want you to tell me everything you done with all the guys you dated before you decided I was the one" I really don't care but her answer to that inquiry is not likely to give me warm and fuzzy feelings.
BTW, she lies to me all the time. She tells me I'm the best husband in the world. It feels good but I'm not that naive.
 
#227 ·
OP,

Let me give you this advise. If you for even an instant give him the insensitive, my way or the high way, oh grow up and stop acting like a child crap anon pink has throw out here, you marriage will be done as soon as the words leave your lips.

If you give him attitude instead of patience, defiance instead of care and understanding what he will hear from you is:

I don't value you, I don't care or respect that you are hurt by my choices and lying. And he will believe you are not worth being married to.

Anon talks a great game, but she does at the cost of showing any respect for your husbands feelings, he does feel hurt and betrayed by the most important person in the world to him.

Part of respecting a persons feelings is to not belittle them for feeling them.

Many people seem to be getting emotionally attached to arguing if you cheated on a technicality or didn't cheat on a technicality.

Neither matters frankly. All that matters here is what he feels you did and if he is willing to have you stay in the marriage with him.

He's lost trust in you. He's deeply hurt that he lost you as the person he could always count on to be honest.

Focus on building his trust in you, and focus on healing him.
 
#229 ·
As his anger subsides, I do think he's going to realize that this incident is not worth ending the marriage.

Just realize that at some point he may do something where he has to make a decision whether he's going to be truthful with you. With the precedent you've set, he may not feel at all obligated to be honest with you.

I believe in your original post, you indicated that there's a lot you've had to put up with in the relationship. Be prepared to have to put up with a whole lot more.
 
#234 ·
From the information presented, I didn't conclude she had relations with a "string of his friends". I did conclude her and hubby were not seriously involved and the time of the incident and their relationship was so casual, hubby set up a date between her and his friend. I think its possible that hubby is reacting not so much at being mislead about the sex that occurred. But rather it took his friend just one date to accomplish what it may have took hubby several dates to do and the so called friend actually got there first.
I'm not one to recommend that a man ask his girl for the details of sexual encounters she's had with other men. Even though it may be the "get it out on the table" truth, it can create a relationship wound and self doubt from which you will never recover. Is it really going to help you feel better having her verify she and her previous boyfriend use to do in the marina parking lot where you now launch your boat. Or tells you the dreaded, "he was a lot bigger but yours is fine".
For me the female equivalent to this scenario would be when dating my future husband he would be insisting that women go dutch with him and therefore either insist on my paying for date regularly or avoiding situations that would cost money altogether.

Now imagine
1. Finding information through whatever means that he had dated another just recently for whom he was happy not only to pay for the dates; but also he transportation AND also on at least two occasions closed bar tabs for her and her friends.

2. That dating situation overlapped some time that you were dating him making you wonder if your future husband was trying to rob Peter (you) to pay Paul the other woman he is going out with...

3. that it was a friend of yours and he knew that...... which kind of has in your face sting to it. It would make you rethink everything that was said and done between you two and how his behavior and choices with you might have been influenced by his dating and treatment of this other woman.

Yes, there is a phase of dating in which whatever the other person does is "none of our business" but we all, men and women, would like to think that the person with whom we forged a long term relationship thinks of us as special and always thought that way about us.

And if it took the guy 3 dates before he had sex with his future wife, the hope is that took at least 5 dates for all the other guys to "crack it."

And same for a woman. I found out that my fiancé offered taxi fare to his just a friend ex, at a time when she was still sampling other men --and he knew this. It took 18 months before he offered to pay for a taxi for me.

This is likely what Married's husband is subconsciously dealing with. and this is why we keep our dating info to a minimum with the people we date........ to the point that most people know to date as few people as possible out of the same social circle where information gets passed around more quickly.

We can say it's none of your business all we want....but it doesn't make your partner stop wanting to know and compare.
 
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