Did I make the wrong choice? Ladies I need some advice please.

whynow1978 · 08-03-2009, 05:35 PM

Hello everyone, I was doing a search about relationships and ran accross this forum. I have a situation and would like to hear your opinions or thoughts. It's a long story, but I will try to make it short here goes.....

My husband and I have been married for a almost two years now. We have never had any major problems, well only his family, but I will get to that in a bit. A couple of days ago he went over to his family's house and decided to go out with his brother and cousin. Now mind you, he doesn't club so I had my reservations about this. Still I told him that I was okay with it and that was it. Okay time went by and I noticed that he was not home, I feel asleep and awoke at about 4 am and still no husband or phone call. I went back to sleep and woke up at 7 am and nothing. His fmaily doesn't like me so I don't like calling their house, but I was starting to worry, because I knew that his brother is a trouble maker when he gets drunk. All sorts of things were going through my head at this point. So I got up the nerve and call his mother and asked was he over there. She paused and then said he's at this aunt's house. Ten minutes later he called me and said that he was at her house(suspect). And that she did not know that he was in the living room sleep. At this point the worrying turned into anger and I told him that I did not believe him and for him to come and get his things and get out. He basically told me that I was being irrational and that he had been there, never saying babe sorry for having you worried or anything but just all over the place. Eventually he came and got his things and left, that was it. Now my thing is if you were not doing anything wouldn't you be more inclined to explain and work things out, or fix what's wrong? He didn't he has called me one other time and that was this morning and basically anger at me, because I told him to get out. He said that they(his family) said I must have had that planned. How dare he turn that around on me. I have never cheated on him nor lied to him and he knows this, but when it comes to his family he's blinded. Then he made the comment about him comprimising with me by not spending time with hsi family. First I never ever told him not to visit his family, he made that choice. I did not care to go around them, simply because they are drama field, ghetto living freeloaders. I am not a fake person and if someone doesn't like me just because why be around them? My family adores him, and wants us to work it out, but I can't see that. Even if he was telling me the truth I really can't deal with his family. They borrow money and never repay it, they have even resorted to the point of trying to live with us. I know this sounds selfish, but I would rather be alone than to deal with their crap. I do love him and we have never had any problems, but I think that maybe this happened for a reason. Or maybe he did this as a easy out. I don't know, I'm hurting because I've really been there for him and have really sacraficed a lot for this man. And this was all done to show him what love is. Now he is over there with his mom, two brothers, sister , grnadmother and to nieces and a uncle in a three bedroom apartment. And I feel that if he wanted, really wanted this to work he would try and he's not. To me it appears that he is telling me that he would rather be in an uncomfortable situation than to be home with me. And if that is the case, it hurts but I would rather move on. I'm so confused, and hurt because up until this point we have not had any major problems. I know this is a lot to take in, but any advice would really be appreciated at this point or insight.

Thanks so much for reading

Blanca · 08-03-2009, 07:08 PM

i think your situation sounds confusing. seems there is a lot going on between you two, and has been for awhile.

i think it was extremely disrespectful of him to stay out so long without even telling you were he was. and it sounds like his family is covering up for him.

but it also sounds like he feels like he's in some kind of power struggle, or that he's being controlled. it kind of sounds like he was rebelling.

i dont know if you are finished with him (i dont blame you if you are) but if you do decide to work things out you should look into books about boundaries in marriage, and with in-laws. i also have some very nasty in-laws and its taken a lot of work- mostly learning about boundaries.

NothingMan · 08-03-2009, 07:33 PM

If I failed to call while being out with family and my wife told me to come get my stuff out of the house? Yah. It would be a LONG time before I went back "groveling" at her feet for forgiveness.

Truth is, you dont know what happened or didnt happen. You only know how his actions made you feel. Yet, you jumped the gun and kicked him out and you wonder why he isnt back yet?

I think you need to call him and apologize.

John

Gomez · 08-03-2009, 09:54 PM

I see miscommunication here that allowed you to act on your dislike of his family to end the relationship or drastically shift the authority in your favor.

The miscommunication is what exactly you gave him permission to do when you said he could go out to the bar w his family. To you that ment be home as soon as the bar closed if not sooner. To him it may have ment get as sloshed as you want and crash with family until your sober enough to drive home. You would need to find out what he thought he had permission to do befor you decide wether he was out of line.

Really though you can pick your partner but you cant pick who they are related to. It sounds like you resented that you could provide better for yourself than they could provide for themselves, and that your husband is naturally inclined to try to help his family. I dont think he did this as an easy way out I think you did, as a way out of feeling responsible for them. From your story all you have are suspisions about a one time event you set in motion.

For future reference dont let you spouse go out with anyone to the bar unless you go with them first to see what kind of situation it is, and what kind of people they are once they have a few beers together. At the very least they will know what you expect from the night and you will know what kind of situation he is getting into.

Letting him go alone the first time in a long time is askin for trouble. Its not about being controlling its about informing yourself of the situation and letting other people get used to him as part of a couple. Doing things together the first time is a must, otherwise dont give permission.

Sandy55 · 08-04-2009, 12:33 AM

Gads. Kinda used a hammer to kill an ant didn't you?

Two years is a very short time to have worked out many issues in a marriage. A little soon to be kicking someone out, I'd say.

You clearly have no love for his family. Right or wrong, you are going to either need to live FARTHER away or get used to them or it will surely be the end of your marriage.

I was lucky enough to get my dh far enough away from his "interesting but toxic" mother for the first eight years of our marriage. Once he was away long enough he realized she was not "normal" and too close and in his cookies too much.

You two need space from family, is what I see going on. Your jumping in his sh5t just made him run home to mamma. Not a wonderful move on your part. You probably were just so freaked out, maybe you need to offer a peace pipe.

827Aug · 08-04-2009, 05:47 AM

Your husband should have called you. That was very inconsiderate of him to stay out all night and not let you know. However, your reaction was a bit extreme. Let this cool down a few days. If you and your husband get things worked out, you may want to consider putting some distance between you and his family. As long as they are nearby, you'll always have problems.

DownButNotOut · 08-04-2009, 08:33 AM

Maybe something happened that night and his family is covering for him. Maybe it was "innocent" drunkeness and his story is on the up and up. But....

Quote:

Even if he was telling me the truth I really can't deal with his family.

Here is the real issue. It sounds to me like you aren't being honest with yourself. Kicking him out after one night of clubbing, which you gave him permission to go to is a bit of an overreaction. Especially when it is his family that you are really mad at.

You say if he really wanted it to work out he would try. But have you given him the chance? Are YOU willing to try? Or are YOU taking an easy way out by taking your anger at his family and focusing it on him?

You really can't ask him to make the choice "them or me". You won't like the answer.

If you are going to work on your marriage, then you will have to come to an agreement with your husband on boudaries between families. But it has to be something that he affects as well. If you try to 'lay down the law' you might delay a breakup, but I'd bet he'll choose divorce over disowning his family.

I'm not a "momma's boy", but if my wife tried that she would find a line that just will not be crossed.