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I had an affair and my husband is divorcing me

236K views 243 replies 95 participants last post by  Shaggy 
#1 ·
I am a 41year old woman who is in the middle of a divorce. My husband has left me after i didnt end my affair when i was first caught.

Why do i do these things to begin with? I think some of it id loving attention. It made me feel young again. My husband is a good man and good provider. I think we just got a little bored with everyday life and disconnected a bit. He played in basketball leagues to get out of his rut and i dated other men behind hid back.

My affair ended when he exposed my idiot love interest and me at our work place. I have quit my job since this all happemed. Too little too late now. My hubby wont talk to me now. Only about our kids. We have 2 kids. I wish i could get him to talk to me. Even to yell at me. Its like he just went ice cold. I hate that what we had together is in trouble now.
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#38 ·
Why do i do these things to begin with? I think some of it id loving attention. It made me feel young again. My husband is a good man and good provider. I think we just got a little bored with everyday life and disconnected a bit.

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Really? A little bored and disconnected? Maybe the fact that you were actively pursuing other men throughout your marriage contributed to that somewhat...

You need to work on you. You have children and you are their mom. Their only mom. You need to be a better person for yourself and for them.

So quit trying to figure out how to make Malcolm let you stay. And heal yourself so you don't repeat this in your next relationship.
This is so on the mark. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that you truly want to change the path you're on. It will only work if you want it for yourself; not because you're desperate to hold onto your marriage. You have to be willing to accept that it might be over and not let it deter you from your path.

IC might help; there may be events from your childhood or young adult years that shed light on what allowed you to make bad choices. These are NOT excuses for your behavior, though.

I'm concerned when I read your posts...it's often hard to communicate exactly how you feel in print, but what I've read so far fits the cliche "a mile wide but an inch deep". There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of introspection on your part yet, which is kind of weird, since your D Day was last summer if I recall correctly. Anyway, it just strikes me as odd, since your husband seems to put a lot of thought into what he says. So it all comes across as somewhat disingenuous, as maybe a last shot at holding on to him when your other options have evaporated.
 
#42 ·
Welcome. We can always use more remorseful waywards. Are you remorseful? Because it does seem like there is something missing in your story. Bottom line. Your hubby did the right thing. I left my wife after cheating and never entertained a second chance-at least he gave you a chance and you ruined that. It was a chance you did not deserve.

Leave him alone.

You have treated him in a selfish manner and the only way to fix that is to treat him unselfishly. If you love him you will allow him to move on from this nightmare. And please do get therapy. If you can, try to stick around. You are getting hammered but really it is a trail by fire, which will past. There are good people here who you can learn and grow from.
 
#44 ·
SUMMARY OF MALCOM'S THREAD

Here is a synopsis of the full story. I do this because Lost isn't a professional writer (nor am I) and has no idea what relevant information is needed for us to begin to comment intelligently. Plus she might have left a few things out...

These excerpts are from her husband's thread:

In the spring of 2012 my wife was on a work trip to another part of the country for a week for a conference. Standard stuff as this has happened many times before. When she returned she seemed rather unlike herself, but I didn't put much thought into it at the time as we are both busy .

The BOMB was dropped on July 4th. Her phone went off when she was in the shower,It was a text message that said "What color underwear are you wearing today?". When she got out I asked her what the hell that was all about. Initially she told me it was a joke a friend was playing on her.

Since I'm not 3 years old I asked her to try again. That is when she told me that she had slept with a co-worker on the trip, and that they had had sex one other time the week after she returned. Happy 4th everyone!

She told me that she was sorry and that she wanted to keep it a secret forever, but that the guilt was too much for her to take. Especially after seeing me take the girls out for a day on the town the day before. What does that even mean exactly, who knows? Rather odd considering I actually had to confront her to get the information.

So in hindsight I think this is where I really kind of messed up, as I pretty much forgave her and didn't do very much other than try to move on. She has been more affectionate, and I have kept track of her communications and travels and don't have a reason to think things have continued. Boy toy is located in another office some 250 miles away, so the day to day thing would have been difficult to continue.
So this is D-Day. She promised to be a good girl and sin no more.

Malcom is very angry, won't go to Christmas with some in-laws he despises, and starts to try to keep track of his suddenly untrustworthy wife.

So after Christmas, this happened.

Last night I sat the wife down and told her that I needed to know everything. She hesitated a bit, but I said that if we weren't to get divorced in 2013 she had to lay it on the line right now. Oddly enough 2 times was actually over a year. 10 times total. I had her write out the dates for me.

The OM is located 250 miles away, but is in town about once a month. I asked her why she was willing to be an escort to a guy 4 hours away once a month when she had a husband at home. Didn't get a straight answer to that, not that I was expecting one.

I told her I needed her to write down her passwords for her e-mail accounts (work and home). She said that was an invasion of her privacy. I mentioned that in order for the marriage to work her privacy was secondary. She was angry at that point and said that I didn't even want to try to work things out and that I was punishing her.

Reading this forum the last few days I sort of anticipated this happening. I'm not particularly bright obviously, but I am perceptive. So I had already booked a hotel room nearby (about 6 blocks away) and told her she was going to have to stay there for a while to think about if she was serious about saving our marriage.

She was really upset and was yelling at me about kicking her out onto the street, and that I didn't love her. I told her that it's only BECAUSE I love her that I'm doing this. If I didn't I would just file tomorrow.

So she has until Sunday morning to let me know if she will be giving me the passwords and full name of her lover, and his marital status. She will also have to write a NC letter that is e-mailed in front of me. Any other additional measures I need to have done at the time will be taken then as well. If her answer is no then we can start the divorce process next week as the New Year starts.

I love her, but I won't live like this. It's me or it's him. And if it's me, she has to prove it. If it's him, I will immediately go into protective mode to legally obtain custody of my children.

Ugh! This is going to run for PAGES if I don't summarize.

So...right after new years, and sending a NC email, she gets a call, and chats with her boyfriend in the bathroom, telling hubby it was 'closure'. He loses it, asks her what part of NC doesn't she understand, and goes to his brother's. She calls him 30 times.

Lost at Sea wants to be a good married wife...but still wants to stay in contact with 'her friend' because 'he is a good man.'

Malcom isn't buying this. He threw her out, filed for divorce and asked for custody of the kids.

Her 'friend' arranged her transfer to his location 250 miles away, so wifey said 'the kids should stay here for now while I find myself'. She ACCEPTED the transfer...and one assumes moved (this is on January 30th)

Malcom also revealed their relationship to their work.

She also stated to me that she always thought she would be able to get back into my life when this fling was done because she thought I'd always be there for her. But I am too selfish to really show her that I care, and that I'll always be selfish.

:scratchhead:

I could be wrong of course, but I do think that perhaps getting nailed by a co-worker while wearing my wedding ring might put her higher on the selfish ratings chart than my not wanting to be BFF's with her right now. But maybe I'm just too cold to see how mean I am.
Sorry, this was so funny, I had to post it in it's entirety.

So..February 7th, .Malcom REsent the affair info to the CEO and her and loverboy were put on 6 weeks of unpaid leave.

Lost drove the 250 miles from loverboy's place (? Did you actually move in with him Lost?) so she could spend time with her daughters. Not sure if she's been doing that since the end of January.

I am adding this fact to point out that this is a mitigating factor in the whole 'she never cared about her children'. Sometimes you need to make choices which aren't in the childrens tip top best interest to fulfill other important interests (LaS...warming another man's bed is NOT 'another important interest')

On Feb 23, she has 'the Talk' with Malcom. "I'm sorry, I made a mistake." He isn't buying it.

Malcom let her move back into his home for March while she found her own place. She is out on April 1st according to him. He isn't talking to her. One presumes she moved BACK from Loveless Texas to be closer to her family. When is unclear.

Malcom on his wife as a mother:

I think of my ex as being a good mother. She was certainly distracted for the last number of months, but even in that phase she was at least half-azzed about her duties as opposed to completely negligent. She doesn't deserve an award of valor for that, but I'm not going to punish my daughters by fighting to keep their mother out of their lives.
So...there is Malcom's side. It fills in a few holes in the story.
 
#45 ·
Here are a number of questions I have.

1) Did you continue to have sex with this man after your husband's D Day but before he left on New Years? Malcom said it was 10 times over the course of a year. After you promised to be good, did you continue to do more than call each other?

2) Not sure about most companies, but long range transfers USUALLY take some time to set up. And yet it seems as if Your Husband's Replacement arranged this...very fast. Were you planning on walking away from your husband in advance or is this a reaction to your husband's actions?

3) Did you actually move in with him? When did the cracks in that relationship appear, before or after you were fired?

4) Short term, I know you left the kids with Malcom (middle of the school year and you didn't have a place to live). What were your long term plans regarding the kids?

5) At what point in your relationship with Malcom did you consider it 'over' i.e. time to start to set up full time house with OM?

6) Ten years ago, you had a one night stand with another man. Five years ago, you were, from the sounds of it, regularly making out with another man and probably would have gone all the way eventually if he hadn't transfered out. What was similar with all these men that you were attracted to THEM and not your husband? Did you work with all of them? Was it physical attractiveness? Personality type? Status or money? Do you find yourself hanging around men more at work or women?

7) Your husband tells you you are pretty. Your POS affair partner says the same. Why did you belive the later more than the former?

I'm sure more questions will come up to me.

Oh...and did POS get fired? I really hope you know...but don't you dare call him just to find out.
 
#46 ·
All of these are good questions Lost and if you want to have any credibility from anyone here you should answer them truthfully. And completely.

If you don't...

Then how can you get help for yourself? You have to be willing to be honest about your past, even it it's painful.

And Malcom certainly deserves to know as well. If there's a snowball's chance in hell of R you must tell him.
 
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#47 ·
I would suggest counseling and not getting into long term relationship until you have solved your issues. Probably with Malcolm you have to accept that there are consequences of your actions and you have to take the responsibility and respect what ever his decision is.
I don't want to judge because I don't know the exact situation. I believe there are many people out there who happen to fall in love with someone else once in a while (while being married) but they make a conscious decision to not start anything there because they realize how bad the consequences will be. It is quite unrealistic to assume that the affair will not come out. After a while the crush will pass if you don't encourage it. It is easier to tell than do but that's the way to go.
 
#48 ·
Lost,
You need a lot of help. As others have pointed out, but it is worth repeating, quit trying to save a marriage that you killed a long time ago and start saving yourself. All you have been doing is killing yourself and your family through your horrific decisions. You really need to get healthy, not just for you, but your girls. They deserve a Mom who, frankly, doesn't do the things you so easily choose to do. Do you really think it was in their best interest to run away with your OM???

And please, if you really want to be honest, try to figure out why you want Malcolm so much NOW, after being dumped by OM, and not before? Face it, you only turned back to him once you were rejected by both men and have no other option right now. Are you reaching out to the good guy (your husband) in desperation, but that is not really where you want to be?

Can you consider that you nature will be to find another affair partner soon to attempt to fill this void in your soul and what that would do to Malcolm yet again should he chose to offer yet another chance at R??

You are not safe to yourself or to him. So please, let this desperate attempt to cling to a dead marriage pass. Heal yourself. Then worry about future relationships. You have killed this one. Let it rest in peace.
 
#51 ·
I'm actually sort of irritated that the lot of people posting on this thread (with a few exceptions). It's like a gang of schoolyard bullies standing around the OP chanting "Crucify, Crucify!"

I love how it's being said that she is not truly remorseful, that she deserves what she's getting, etc. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not. None of you have any way of telling that, first of all. Secondly what business is it of yours? She came here asking for help and advice. Whether or not she heeds it is her own business. I find it sickening that a group of adults can band around someone who is seeking help and offer them absolutely no counsel.

So before this thread moves any further let me say a few things.


YES she cheated. We've got that.
She's here for help -- not for entitled internet users to remind her of how awful she is. She's got a good grip on it already.

If you can't say something constructive or offer any guidance to the OP, why open your mouth? Click another thread and move on.
 
#57 ·
I'm actually sort of irritated that the lot of people posting on this thread (with a few exceptions). It's like a gang of schoolyard bullies standing around the OP chanting "Crucify, Crucify!"

So before this thread moves any further let me say a few things.

YES she cheated. We've got that.
She's here for help -- not for entitled internet users to remind her of how awful she is. She's got a good grip on it already.

If you can't say something constructive or offer any guidance to the OP, why open your mouth? Click another thread and move on.
Posters,

Please give constructive advice to OP. She is asking for support not to be called names. Perhaps some posters shouldn't be responding to OP if they can't separate their own issues from OP's situation. Treating others with respect and dignity is #1 rule on TAM.
:iagree:

Here's the deal! When a WS starts a thread it's going to bring strong emotions out in everyone.... and, especially painful ones for others who have been betrayed. If the BS of the WS is also posting, then there is already an understandable sense of camaraderie and support for them. Malcolm is a much respected poster and I think that everyone who has read his story is understandably sympathetic towards him.... as they should be.

BUT, and this applies to any thread where a WS is posting..... if a WS post their story and they are treated with nothing but contempt, their character is assassinated over and over, they are called vile names, they are told that they deserve only to be punished, and have no value as a person to anyone, etc, etc, etc,.......... then, WHAT IS THEIR MOTIVATION FOR POSTING???? THEY WON'T SUBJECT THEMSELVES TO IT. They will stop posting.... and, what will anyone have gained from that???

If the OP's (any OP... not this one in particular) motivation for posting is not what they claim it to be, that will become apparent fairly quickly. Then, if you don't think you can add something useful to a situation, find another thread where you believe you can. If you are not interested in "helping," whether the WS is genuinely remorseful or not, (as many posters have stated on other threads.... they don't care if the WS is remorseful... they have no use for them, anyway,) then why bother posting on a WS's thread? Because, if your motivation is only to project your anger onto them.... again, I ask..... WHY WOULD THEY SUBJECT THEMSELVES TO IT??? They won't. Then, who gets any benefit from it? And, we are here to help, right?

If every single WS is nothing more than a selfish, narcissistic person with no integrity whatsoever.... then, why on Earth would you expect them to unselfishly offer themselves up to be the whipping post of some anonymous stranger on TAM?

Finally, even if you believe that this OP is insincere and has no redeeming value, whatsoever, she is still the mother of Malcolm's children. Meaning, he will have to co-parent with her for several years to come... whether they ultimately reconcile or choose to divorce. So, would it not be in his best interest for TAM members to try to offer up something with positive benefits, direction and value to his WS, so that she might acquire the understanding and tools to become a better person, rather than trying to destroy what's left of her???

That rant applies only to a very small number of posters. Most of you are absolutely amazing and your collective wisdom has been instrumental in helping so many people who are coping with infidelity whether they reconcile or not. I know that B1 and I would not be where we are, today, in our reconciliation, without the support and wisdom that we have received from so many of you.
 
#52 ·
Lost..glad you started your own thread.

No gentle way to say this. You are a mess right now. You have work to do.

So.....

First it was the current OM once or twice, then it was more frequent, then it was leaving Malcolm for OM, then it was OM plus a one night stand ten years ago, then it was OM plus ONS plus another guy you kissed five years ago......

How much more to come?

This is what they call trickle truth. You keep releasing facts. My wife did it. I have read that waywards commonly do it.

As a betrayed spouse, I tell you it is poison. You try to rebuild and WHACK!!! Another kick to the nads.

So get it all out there. Clear the air.

Why not just hide it and carry your secret? Two reasons. First, where has lying got you so far? Second, a BS digs. We become obsessed with uncovering the truth. You CANNOT tell a lie good enough to erase all doubt. And when a lie gets exposed, it just reinforces the notion you cannot be trusted.

I can write a lot more on this, but please, just trust me....clear out the lies.

Second, worry about your kids. You were willing to leave them to be with OM. That is pretty horrible. Imagine if one day they learn you made that decision. So you have work to do there.

Reconciliation with Malcolm. I assume you will follow his thread, though not post. So you know what I wrote there and I meant it. But here is the other side of the coin. Malcolm loved you once. You destroyed it. I would be very surprised if you don't end up divorced. But that is not the end. You have kids together, so you will interact. He MAY decide to give it another shot if you do serious penance to demonstrate a deep change. May. But not for a while, I think.

I say this not as an attack, but as food for thought. Your words are only a part of you, and are all I have to go on. But they say to me they are concerned about how your life has diminished as a result of your affair. I don't see that you truly get what you have done to Malcolm and your kids. Sadly you need to get that. Sad because if you are mariage material, when you really grasp what you have done I think it will really hurt you. But you have to face it.

So...is there more you need to tell?
 
#54 ·
Posters,

Please give constructive advice to OP. She is asking for support not to be called names. Perhaps some posters shouldn't be responding to OP if they can't separate their own issues from OP's situation. Treating others with respect and dignity is #1 rule on TAM.
 
#59 ·
Can I just ask if you deleted a post of mine an hour or so ago?

One that was a passing comment / question? upon the difficulty of people empathizing sympathizing with a wayward spouse.

It had no direct comment on the OP in this thread.

It was negative in absolutely NO WAY at all

Did you delete that?
 
#61 ·
Lost - just because you cheated and may have effectively lost any chance of being married to Malcolm does not mean that your life has to end.

I say this to you as a betrayed spouse.

I don't think you fully grasp what you've done to Malcolm and what it takes to make a marriage work. But don't worry, that can come with time, granted you might have to apply this knowledge in new or different relationships in the future instead of the one you want to save now.

Here's a thought: When your life is over, what do you want people to say about you?

What can you do now to make that a reality?

If I were you, I would focus on these things. I would make a list of the things I want to be - outside of married to Malcolm. Like for instance:

1.) A Good Mom
2.) Financially Responsible
3.) An excellent friend
4.) A reliable daughter
5.) A cheerful, optimistic person

And then I'd list what I could do right now to make these things happen. Like:

For goal 1:
a.) Pick up my kids from school everyday
b.) Talk to my kids about my mistakes
c.) Establish visitation/custody time with Malcolm

For goal 5:
a.) Exercise or do yoga every day
b.) Write in a journal every day
c.) See a counselor

You can make better choices and a better life for yourself, but you have to do the work, Lost.

Best of luck to you.
 
#63 ·
I don't have a long history here, and know only what's been posted in this thread to clarify this story.

My ex cheated on me, I don't have physical evidence. But my instincts, his behavior, the obvious signs all point to that. Was I angry, yep. Was I hurt, initially yes. Then I chose not to lower myself and participate in the **** he caused. Because I deserve peace and happiness and if he wants drama. Have it with another woman I'm out.

Do I hate my ex? Not at all. We speak, raise our girls. Are we together? Hell no. My boundaries are non-negotiable, I cannot say the same for him unfortunately.

I feel so much empathy for both parties involved in this mess. She seems very immature and self-absorbed at times. And I can relate to that.

We really don't know what led up to all of this nonsense between them. But obviously it's not the first time in history. Just doing a quick search through this site and it's filled with sad/heartbreaking stories. I can relate to that.

I really pray that these two and their children can get healed and move past this quickly. The thing that bothers me is nothing is being resolved, it's like a soap opera that won't turn off it seems.

If I can find a way to get along with my ex, so two can these two. Otherwise what will their children learn?

Forgive me if I've stepped on toes, that's not my intent.
 
#64 · (Edited)
nunikit,

Welcome to TAM, good post.
They are in the early stages of this and he is making what concessions he can for her overall well being, and their future as co parents.

He is divorcing her but helping her transition as needed.

If you read Malcolm's post you should see that they will end up much like you and your ex, but he (like you) is done with her.

There is nothing in your post that should step on toes, she hopes for reconciliation, he is making it clear there will be none.


Here is a link to his thread, should you like to see it.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ning-affair-i-asked-her-leave-without-me.html
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.
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#65 ·
Lost - the thing to comes to mind here is that you need to demonstrate not convince your H of your remorse and willingness to change.

Words become meaningless when their has been lies and deceit.

I also think you should step back from him.. stop chasing him.. So he can stop and catch his breath.

I've read his posts...he does seem sure of his path. You need to accept whatever that is. Anything less will only add more angst and stress to his life.

Use this time to get some counselling and learn why you've (repeatedly) done this...to your husband...and yourself. I do hope you can learn some new ways of living and loving... this is so painful for all involved. Very sad.
 
#67 ·
Before you can start to move in positive directions you have to get past the panic you find yourself in. Let's face it, you must be in a horrible panic - just a year ago things were apparently just fine (in YOUR little world) you had Malcolm and the OM, a good job, a family, and a decent reputation. less than 12 months later all that is gone.

But really, regardless of how it felt, that was not a fulfilling life - you can start now to seek such a life. It will be a lot different from the life you once thought you'd lead when you first fell in love with Malcolm. You are literally in a transitory state - middle of your life, middle of a divorce, middle of a career. The paths you've chosen have led you here. You've made some good choices and many poor ones.

Come to grips with the results of those choices. Seek some individual counseling with a competent counselor who is experienced and trained in addictive and self-destructive behavior. Re-read Nunikit and ThatGirl007's posts. They have good advice for bettering your future.

Don't do things with the goal of reuniting with Malcolm - do things with the goal of becoming a better person. A person of integrity and honor, a good decision maker, a better mother, neighbor, friend and employee. All these are achievable goals. As you move toward these goals you will KNOW how to make amends, how to express real remorse to those that have been wronged. You will want to perform these actions because you NEED to for yourself not for anyone else's benefit.

You can start to release your panic by counting your blessings.
 
#69 ·
I don't plan on posting a lot on my ex-wife's thread. But I did want to ask the favor of the responding to this thread to not be so harsh to my ex.

It really is an odd feeling right now, since I'm the one that she slept around on. But I feel a need to actually defend her a little bit. Her behavior was abhorrent on so many levels during all of this. But I don't hate her. I hate what she has done, and she has hurt me like nobody else I've known.

But I don't think she is evil. I appreciate the help she will be getting here, and I think the overall theme here will help her in the long run to understand how to reach some truths about herself. But I would ask kindly if people wouldn't be harsh with her. I personally get no enjoyment from witnessing that.

If she were a horrible human being, this would actually be easier. I could easily put her in my rear view mirror and throw her to the wolves. But the fact is that she isn't a horrible human being.

1. She is the Mother of my children.

2. I've always been the serious one. She makes me laugh like nobody I know. I've missed my best friend over the past number of months. That's almost worse than losing my wife, if that makes sense.

Has she betrayed me? Yes. Am I upset about it? Yes, very much so. Do I want to work on our marriage at this point? No, not really. But she isn't evil.

Sorry...I've droned on too long and probably repeated myself a bit. I just wanted to make that point.

Thanks
 
#70 ·
.... But I did want to ask the favor of the responding to this thread to not be so harsh to my ex. ...
Lost-at-Sea
This is the type of decency & integrity you want to strive for.
 
This post has been deleted
#77 ·
Lost I have to note that you keep saying "you like attention" as the reason for your affairs. I would say you are addicted to the attention of other men. You seem to crave that and you must be cultivating that attention and actively seeking it.

In your case the old saying "Sex is the price women pay for attention" is certainly true.

I am not saying this to bash you. I think it is good that you recognize this. You asked how can you stop?

Well number one would be DO NOT FLIRT WITH A MAN WHO IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND. You have got to be giving these men signals with your behavior from the start to keep them interested.

My number two would be UNDERSTAND THAT CHEATING IS A CHOICE. IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT JUST HAPPENS. YOU CAN CHOOSE NOT TO CHEAT.

Like any addiction you can be in control if you choose to be.

Maybe IC would help you. But find one who specializes in addiction or preferably infidelity. Not just some IC who just wants to help you feel good about what you did.

I am sorry but I can not offer encouragement for getting Malcom38 to forgive you and stay with you. Every man has his limits and unfortunately you seem to have forced him over his limit.

Good luck with your effort to become a better woman and mother. I am truly sorry for all involved that it took the destruction of your family for you to realize that you need help on a personal level.
 
#78 ·
TDSC60,

Here is the problem. Men will take ANYTHING as a green light if they are interested.

Was walking with my sister in the mall. Suddenly notice two guys following us for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to approach her and ditch me (I guess they assumed I was the BF).

I asked what she did to lure them. "I just smiled at them."

Guys will find a response to their overtures if they want it bad enough.
 
#82 ·
Right when she took that phone call in the bathroom and broke NC.

She had a slight chance before that. Her bad choice. But, it's what she wanted, no one forced her to do it.

Ultimately it's her choice to deep-six her marriage.

I don't blame Mal at that point for his reaction. That must have been, for him, a true WTF moment.

Lost, can you understand why you threw your marriage away then, basically over a phone call?

Or, did you not completely 'get' No Contact?

You need this for any future relationship.
 
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