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I had an affair and my husband is divorcing me

236K views 243 replies 95 participants last post by  Shaggy 
#1 ·
I am a 41year old woman who is in the middle of a divorce. My husband has left me after i didnt end my affair when i was first caught.

Why do i do these things to begin with? I think some of it id loving attention. It made me feel young again. My husband is a good man and good provider. I think we just got a little bored with everyday life and disconnected a bit. He played in basketball leagues to get out of his rut and i dated other men behind hid back.

My affair ended when he exposed my idiot love interest and me at our work place. I have quit my job since this all happemed. Too little too late now. My hubby wont talk to me now. Only about our kids. We have 2 kids. I wish i could get him to talk to me. Even to yell at me. Its like he just went ice cold. I hate that what we had together is in trouble now.
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#129 · (Edited)
Lost

JCD has some questions and it would do you good to answer them. Not to us but to yourself.

Take some time and wite out the answers to his questions.

Do it honestly, completely. You don't have to post the answers here.

But you should ask yourself if you can't even admit those things to yourself how can you face Malcom if and when he has those same questions?

Your worst critic here is not Mal, or us, it's you.

Be honest.
 
#130 ·
You had your "fun" cheating, got caught, lied multiple times, cheated again, and God only knows what else. Accept the consequences for your action, Get your s#$t together and move on.

Let Malcolm find his peace and happiness elsewhere. He EARNED IT. And its the least you can do after all the $$%t you put him through.
 
#132 ·
Hey Lost at Sea------lets start at the beginning---lets go back 10 yrs---to the 1st yr. of your mge---when you and Malcolm, were newlyweds, and SHOULD have been so in love, that no one else in the whole world existed---it was the 2 of you, and you were in that starry-eyed state of being, that newly weds are in for a yr. or two----yet you go and have a ONS, with some guy you hooked up with prior to your mge to Malcolm----WHY---it may be 10 yrs down the line---but I know, that even right now---YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING WAS, AND WHY, YOU DECIEVED MALCOLM, and as you say, your mge., has a veneer of secrecy for a long time----so once again---WHY the ONS, when no one else in the world should have existed for you, at that point in time, but Malcolm----WHY??????
 
#133 ·
Well some credit for you coming back on

You are/could be my stbxw. (15 yrs 11 married)
After two affairs I foolishly gave her another two shots at it and after her saying all the same stuff ..........

she carried on. (All married men with kids) She almost certainly had 'inbetweeners' too

It is an addiction of sorts and one that I think is impossible for a serial cheater to stop.

The 'attention' and excitement of the catch is a drug add in the 'forbidden' and that's it - relationship / marriage all done.

These things for me are rooted psychologically in childhood problems / relationships and can never really be undone

Think you need to accept what you are and also accept that the best thing you can do for your husband if there is any real respect left from you is to let him go.

Be a single woman because that is also rooted subconsciously to your desires in my opinion and enjoy what you can with single unattached men. Maybe that is a way forward for you.

One comment from my wife after the birth of our 2nd 9 years ago has stood out as writing firmly hammered into the wall from which everything would collapse

"Because I met and fell in love with you I never got to have my wild 20's" ...........great

That seems to be at the root of a lot of dissatisfaction from woman in my experience. Is that any parallel for you.
I think you need to look deeper into your self, your history, your life for some answers that may point you in a better less calamitous direction.
 
#140 ·
Decorum posted it to perfection.

All I was doing while reading that is nodding my head in the affirmative.

I'm sure that she actually does love me. But it is as a father figure and not as a lover. Obviously not, as I've been replaced multiple times. Mostly without my knowledge.

It would seem that she has finally been honest with me. If it is still trickle truth (which is possible I know) she has given me a heck of a timeline and outed herself in activities I would have never known.
 
#142 ·
Decorum posted it to perfection.

All I was doing while reading that is nodding my head in the affirmative.

I'm sure that she actually does love me. But it is as a father figure and not as a lover. Obviously not, as I've been replaced multiple times. Mostly without my knowledge.

It would seem that she has finally been honest with me. If it is still trickle truth (which is possible I know) she has given me a heck of a timeline and outed herself in activities I would have never known.
It's too bad that her time for honesty comes so late, too late, to have a good affect on the marriage.

Perhaps if she had been as honest years ago the marriage could have been salvaged.

Still, it's something that you should know Mal in order to make the correct decision.

Not that you haven't done so already.

Lost, it's too bad you are just now realizing Malcom's value as a man and a husband.
 
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#141 ·
Well Malcom.

I am glad she gave you the timeline and outed herself.

That shows she is at the end of the rope.

The rope you are holding.

Frankly, I wonder what Lost at Sea could ever offer you now that shows she has any value left as a wife to you?

Sorry you are here Malcom. Sorry that yoour wife has been so "Lost" during your marriage.

Maybe you letting her go will give her the push to see what is wrong within her. And possibly address it.

HM64
 
#153 ·
Do i get a thrill from demeaning my husband? Not at all.
Well that's at least good. Like I said, there were a few women who've been here that were that way a some of your story was making me question that.

The only thing that Malcolm could have done to stop me is what he did do, and that was expose me. Everything else was my immagination.
I second Wazza's insinuation. Be honest, you came home when you were dumped by the other man, didn't you?
 
#152 · (Edited)
That concerns me, because he actually did a lot more than just expose you. It might be a useful, if painful, exercise to go through his thread and list the things he did, and how you responded to them.

Not even sure if exposure was to stop you, or because he thought it right. You did not come back when he exposed. You came back when you were dumped.
 
#159 ·
I may be late to the party here but it seems there are some strong correlations between your story and The Bishop. Lost at Sea I would suggest reading his threads. Look for yourself in what is said and confessed. You are further along as at least some truth is known. Be brave enough to face yourself.
 
#162 ·
I think you shouldn't try and get him back or wait for him at this point. You have so very much work to do on yourself before you should consider getting back with him - for his sake more than yours. You're a damaged person who is addicted to inflicting pain on your husband. It would not be fair to him to try and R, at least not now.

Cheating was a deal breaker for me, but not for all guys. But regardless of that, I realized my stbxww is so damaged, so messed up, so unable to be in a healthy relationship, that I would be a fool to wait around for her to "fix herself".

Imo the best thing you can do is try to live a good life, be honest, work on your serious problems and try to just be a decent person. You are a serial cheater - that is a horrible thing, and no man deserves to be with you and have that inflicted upon him.

Learn to be a decent person. And maybe, down the line, if you're REALLY lucky, he may give you another shot. I certainly wouldn't.
 
#171 ·
I just wish more people on this site were as magnanimous as Malcolm, and as introspective as Decorum...what do I mean...Malcolm did not come on here to invite people to be abhorrent to his wife...she cheated on him, not the members of this site..and if he can find it in his heart to treat her with dignity(like he said..she is still the mother of his children) I'm not sure why others on here can not...it really gets ridiculous the nastiness at which people post on here...I guess the saying should be "Hell hath no fury like a MAN scorned"...which I've ironically noticed the members on here save their best rants for female adulterers..like they are somehow worse than a male adulterer....and Decorum..your post was absolutely spot on!! As a father of 3 daughters I was hypnotized by your insight, and really thankful it wasn't the typical "kick the whor_ while she's down" post...I really think it was helpful, but painfully honest, and yet done in a compassionate way, like you knew it was going to be read by another human being..and regardless of her offense, you knew the best way for her to appreciate what you were trying to say was to articulate to her the depths to which she wronged her husband...if she can't understand EXACTLY what part of her husband's psyche she crushed from that post, she won't ever understand...
 
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