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I had an affair and my husband is divorcing me

236K views 243 replies 95 participants last post by  Shaggy 
#1 ·
I am a 41year old woman who is in the middle of a divorce. My husband has left me after i didnt end my affair when i was first caught.

Why do i do these things to begin with? I think some of it id loving attention. It made me feel young again. My husband is a good man and good provider. I think we just got a little bored with everyday life and disconnected a bit. He played in basketball leagues to get out of his rut and i dated other men behind hid back.

My affair ended when he exposed my idiot love interest and me at our work place. I have quit my job since this all happemed. Too little too late now. My hubby wont talk to me now. Only about our kids. We have 2 kids. I wish i could get him to talk to me. Even to yell at me. Its like he just went ice cold. I hate that what we had together is in trouble now.
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#186 ·
I joke about my WS's temporary insanity (the period of time when he was in his EA then PA), but there's a grain of truth in it. LostAtSea and many other WS's may really be a little "out to lunch" when they behave this way too. I mean no disrespect when I say this, but the compartmentalizing (and the lying) that they are capable of is something that they probably should all seek some IC for. I think most of them have "issues" - but I would never go so far as to suggest that any of them loved their spouses more as parent-figures.

Most of us BS's just can't get our heads around how they compartmentalize like that, so many of us assume it's impossible to love someone and yet cheat on them too.

But people who are alcoholics love their spouses, do bad things behind their backs, lie to them, live secret lives, etc., and yet still love their spouses. You can be messed up and know you're behaving badly and feel guilty and even realize it's time to stop but be too weak to extricate yourself from that kind of life. But you can know, even in that fog, that you still love your spouse.

Cheating may hurt more than alcoholism (some spouses of alcoholics might beg to differ), but until I was cheated on, I had no clue how much it hurt. So I'm sure most cheaters don't know beforehand either.

My point is that I think it's fine if we want to have our own definitions of love, but I think it's patronizing to suggest that LostAtSea loved Malcolm mostly as a "provider" and didn't love him much of the time as a "lover." No one else can really know that about her.
 
#187 ·
but I think it's patronizing to suggest that LostAtSea loved Malcolm mostly as a "provider" and didn't love him much of the time as a "lover." No one else can really know that about her.
Unfortunately I think that's exactly what it means. When a WS lusts after/desires and gives all their sexual attention to another person, they no longer think of their husband/wife as a lover but rather as a problem. Their desire and their regard for their husband/wife tends to drop like a parachuter without a parachute.

Affairs change the love you had for your spouse. In many cases, the wayward one believes that they no longer love them. It's the ILYBINILWY line.
 
#192 ·
Lostatsea, I am going through this exact thing with my WW now. You two are very much the same from what i have read with the exception of her still not feeling remorseful of having the affair only to have me catch her the second time with the same OM adn thousands of lies in between. You have been blasted enough by others here as much as i want to add my opinion on you. My question is, what are you asking for in the settlement? You see if you want to truly feel remorseful now with your marriage ending I recomend you argue nothing and give your STBXH the majority of what he is asking! The damage you have caused I can tell you will never be forgotten by him and you have literally stolen all that is sacred to him as a man..husband ..and father...so you really deserve nothing in the end! Sorry, that is MHO but the question still stands....what are you expecting out of this?? I respect the fact you are here and trust me you will learn a lot from these folks as i have. Get yourself fixed so you do not destroy someone else down the road.
 
#193 ·
It pains me to say it Decorum, but I think we agree on something.

LAS wasn't thinking clearly ("loose caboose").

I think she would do well to get some IC for assistance in figuring out why she repeatedly cheated on her husband. I feel bad for Malcolm (as a BS, I can really relate), and I also feel bad for LostAtSea, who came here looking for some help, as she is truly "Lost."

I also agree that more men can cheat for "mostly" just the sex than women can, though there are women who can do that too.

I had a problem with your definition of love, and we can agree to disagree. I was most troubled by your choosing to put in bold ONLY the following in your post about what kind of love you thought LAS had for her husband:

Well then, here are two levels of love, the father love, and the lover love.

Of all the points you made, I thought that to highlight ONLY this might lead someone who only skimmed your post to get the message that it was your main point, and your main message to LAS. I was afraid LAS might feel you were telling HER she sees Malcolm as a father figure. I don't think it was your intent, but the bolding of only that line could be construed as "here it is, LAS - the take away. You didn't have the one kind of love, so that means you had the other kind for your husband."

Don't worry - I'm not having "emotional angst," though I was concerned about LAS's possible reaction to your post. I'm not trying to "impress anybody" with my "snobby attitude," as you put it. I was concerned about LAS's feelings in reaction to your post, that's all.

Anyway, we agree that LAS wasn't thinking clearly when she behaved the way she did. And more men can cheat for mainly just sex than women. On the other stuff, let's agree to disagree.
 
#194 · (Edited)
Ha ha ha ha ha agreed!
Btw you mis-read my intent for the snippet from the web on being patronizing.

It was not directed at you, you said I was patronizing LAS, so I posted it to put its meaning on the table for the purpose of evaulation. Again not with you in mind as the subject, but myself, as a result of your expressed opinion.

Which is to say that I never said nor meant to say that you were trying to "impress anybody" with your "snobby attitude", that may not have been clear, sorry for the misunderstanding.


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#196 ·
Hello there, I hope you're doing well.

I am a wife who had an affair. My affair however was spawn out of revenge for my husbands online and emotional affairs. He had about 3. When I found out, he didn't care about how I felt. That, hurted me more than the affairs themselves. Fast forward some time later, I had my affair and now, he cares about EVERYTHING. But at first, we separated and was on our way to divorce.
Here is what I did.
1 - I HATED THE FACT THAT I HAD AN AFFAIR regardless of WHAT led me there. The pain I caused my husband was enough for me to NEVER want to do it again. And I mean that with everything in me. I'D NEVER DO THAT TO HIM AGAIN. And now, he feels the same about me..
2 - I ended EVERYTHING and burned the bridge while I was at it.
3 - I sought counseling for MYSELF. Some of what I did had to do with my husband's affairs, but when I was gut-wrenching honest, some of it was all me.
4 - I take things day by day. I work on myself daily. And as a result, my husband has went from being hell bent on getting a divorce to..let's work things out and REALLY try.

I, like you had a need for attention as well. Unfortunately, I sought it in the worst way. Now I am in the process of rebuilding my life and my marriage.

I would highly recommend counselng. It would definitely help to shed light on things. Although your husband wants a divorce, you owe it to him to assist in helping him heal - regardless. You guys have many years together and children. This process would also help YOU heal as a person as well.

I really hope things work out for you both.
 
#197 ·
Hubby has been talking alot with me lately eventhough i am not living at home. I have been in therapy and told him for the first time about my sexual abuse as a child. Its not an excuse but its domething thar i think really really f*d me up in the way that i think.

My concern now is his damn ex girlfriend from high school is trying to contact him. He hasnt done anything about it and told me when he got the email. But i am jealous and dont care for that b###h at sll. Plus she is better looking than me.
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#200 ·
I live inan appt nearby. We have been dating again and he is undecided about wanting to divorce me. Its been nice to have time with him lately. I have to admit his ex also triedto leave him a facebook note ad well and i just deleted itbefore he could see it. Its hypocritical i admit but i really get jealous if a woman notices myhusband. Espevially her. He has good boundaries, but with everything i amworried he will be receptive to the tramp. She does this every five years or so.....put out little feelers.
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#201 · (Edited)
LAS, with all due respect, when you flagrantly left your husband to go be with the other man you essentially ended your marriage and relationship with him. This was months ago.

I think it is great that he is dating you and allowing you to show him your remorse and willingness to work on your issues and become a new woman he can trust and be proud to walk down the street with.

Understand that, for all intents and purposes, you are only his wife on paper. On terms of intimacy, emotional connection, and datability, you no longer exist in an exalted place in his life. You and the ex GF are on equal footing in his life now. You have competition, and it is up to your husband to decide wether or not he wants to give this ex GF a shot at the title.

You have no say in it. I'm sorry, but the Karma bus is a triple decker that leans hard around corners. It is a bumpy, seasickening ride, and all you can do is hold on for dear life and hope hubby meets you at the bus stop.
 
#202 · (Edited)
LAS,
There is no doubt that you have the inside track with your husband.
Please work on yourself and become a better person, because he deserves better from you than he has received so far.

If he took you back right now can you be honest enough to admit that you cannot be sure yet that you would not cheat on him again?

Its a hard question to face, but its early and you have a long way to go. If he is willing to consider you again, then its not to much to ask for you to face the hard truth , grow and move on is it?

You have a real shot at reconcilation, I hope you take it seriously and honestly!!

Please dont take this the wrong way, but I would like to know, have you been drinking and posting?

Drinking will hinder your efforts to grow and reconcile.

LAS I do wish you well!

Take care!
 
#210 ·
Sv: Re: I had an affair and my husband is divorcing me


It's called "projections"...
 
#213 ·
Malcolms dad has a tumor they just found on friday. All relationship talk is on hold for the time being. He will have to devote as much time as he can to his father. They are very close. He has kind of been walking around in a daze the last day or two. We had lunch today and he was just kind of staring into space. Which makes me wish i could do something to help.
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#220 ·
In some not all cases Losing a father can be really tough on a BS who view their fathers as the shelf they can lean on, ie someone that they can always rely on. The father is someone who they can talk to get an opinion from and someone who they can trust i.e. they have your back.
After a spouse cheats the BS is looking for that shelf that they can rely on the loss of that shelf, losing the only person you can now trust because of the Betrayal can make the BS really guarded.

You need to understand this if Malcom's Dad was a "shelf" in Malcom's life.
 
#224 ·
I'm so angered now by what I've read in both posts (I haven't the stomach to read either to the end) because I am living Malcolm's pain right now in a Hotel at Schipol Airport.

My wife had 5 x EA's and one PA and who's the idiot?? Yup me for each time on the EA's forgiving and taking her back with the promises that she wouldn't do it again.

My wife (yes we are STILL married and in counseling at least until i get home from this trip) sounds / sounded exactly like you did in the post of yours I quoted L a S! The difference is Malcolm saw through your BULLSH*T whereas I didn't with my wife. Its as though she has a spell on me; I'd get angry and yell and she'd know just when to switch on the water-works and make me feel like a mean SoB for saying what I truly felt.

I have NEVER been violent in any way to her EVER yet when the last EA was discovered in identical circumstances to Malcolm even down to the her in the shower bit, I left the house and she called her mother who came over. I had gone to blow of steam (my way of doing it, quiet country road and drive the wheels of my car!) and when I walk through the front door her mother says, "please don't hit her"......I was STUNNED.

Forward to the PA, I travel a lot on business. I own my own successful practice in the risk management field and last year was in Malaysia when EA number 6 turned PA. Here are the most hurtful facts;

1) She brought the f**ker into OUR marital home; at least not the marital bed!
2) They we about to get busy when my daughter came home unexpectedly and found the front door locked so climbed in through her bedroom window to be confronted by this naked f**ker coming out of the wife's office. She grabs her hockey stick and chases the SoB into the office to find her mother hastily trying to re-dress; naked from the waste down she was.
3) Due to the time zone differences and the subsequent timeline analysis, she and I were bbm'ing WHEN THIS F**KER AND HER WERE IN THE HOUSE TOGETHER!! and she told me she was missing me and couldn't wait for me to get home.

(sorry this is rambling but its cathartic because I have just realised what i have to do when I get home on Friday)

HOW F**KING SICK MUST SHE BE TO DO THAT TO ME???????

HOW STUPID AM I TO HAVE EVEN ENTERTAINED THE NOTION OF RECONCILIATION????? Jeez!!

Hence I say again, M A N I P U L A T I O N!!!!!!!

No the best part......the reason for her behaviour as uncovered by the (second) MC we have seen for the past 3 months...... she emotionally disconnected from me when our daughter was born because I wasn't fully supportive and due to her episiotomy during my daughter's delivery, she wasn't ready for intercourse the first time we did have relations; I was left feeling gutted that I may have effectively raped my wife in the way this came out when the councilor broke the news to me after 3 x one on one sessions with my wife.

It left me broken and fighting desperately to show contrition for what I DID WRONG 17 years ago!!!! That's what I have been doing for the past 2.5 months!! The fact that SHE HAD AN AFFAIR has faded conveniently into the background.

I cant believe how ABSOLUTELY STUPID AND DUPED I HAVE BEEN!!!

L a S, I'm sorry if this is hard to hear again, but you do not have ANY CONCEPT of how you destroyed Malcolm if his pain is anything like mine.....NO CONCEPT.
 
#228 ·
No the best part......the reason for her behaviour as uncovered by the (second) MC we have seen for the past 3 months...... she emotionally disconnected from me when our daughter was born because I wasn't fully supportive and due to her episiotomy during my daughter's delivery, she wasn't ready for intercourse the first time we did have relations; I was left feeling gutted that I may have effectively raped my wife in the way this came out when the councilor broke the news to me after 3 x one on one sessions with my wife.

It left me broken and fighting desperately to show contrition for what I DID WRONG 17 years ago!!!! That's what I have been doing for the past 2.5 months!! The fact that SHE HAD AN AFFAIR has faded conveniently into the background.

I cant believe how ABSOLUTELY STUPID AND DUPED I HAVE BEEN!!!

L a S, I'm sorry if this is hard to hear again, but you do not have ANY CONCEPT of how you destroyed Malcolm if his pain is anything like mine.....NO CONCEPT.
Bit of a thread jack, but please FIRE THIS MC! The difference between this analysis and a bucket of sh1t is the bucket.:mad:
 
#227 ·
Sorry guys but man this and Malcolm's thread just hit like a lightning bolt. I did previously start a thread on the "emotional disconnect" side of it and the replies I got were not what I wanted to hear because I was still harbouring the silly notion that my pain would go away and my wife and I would reconcile and live happily ever after. It was the day after I fed the Unicorn at the local zoo!

Sorry again for hijacking this thread.
 
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