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I had an affair and my husband is divorcing me

236K views 243 replies 95 participants last post by  Shaggy 
#1 ·
I am a 41year old woman who is in the middle of a divorce. My husband has left me after i didnt end my affair when i was first caught.

Why do i do these things to begin with? I think some of it id loving attention. It made me feel young again. My husband is a good man and good provider. I think we just got a little bored with everyday life and disconnected a bit. He played in basketball leagues to get out of his rut and i dated other men behind hid back.

My affair ended when he exposed my idiot love interest and me at our work place. I have quit my job since this all happemed. Too little too late now. My hubby wont talk to me now. Only about our kids. We have 2 kids. I wish i could get him to talk to me. Even to yell at me. Its like he just went ice cold. I hate that what we had together is in trouble now.
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#2 ·
I am a 41year old woman who is in the middle of a divorce. My husband has left me after i didnt end my affair when i was first caught.

Why do i do these things to begin with? I think some of it id loving attention. It made me feel young again. My husband is a good man and good provider. I think we just got a little bored with everyday life and disconnected a bit. He played in basketball leagues to get out of his rut and i dated other men behind hid back.

My affair ended when he exposed my idiot love interest and me at our work place. I have quit my job since this all happemed. Too little too late now. My hubby wont talk to me now. Only about our kids. We have 2 kids. I wish i could get him to talk to me. Even to yell at me. Its like he just went ice cold. I hate that what we had together is in trouble now.
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Welcome back.. Glad you started you´r own thread...
 
#9 ·
You need to find a good IC, to help you fix yourself----you need to get another job---as when D, you still are gonna have to share custody, and support yourself, and your kids

Don't run off and date new men----lay low, and try to retake control of your life, which you have allowed to spiral out of control for a long time now

In time, you should be able to go out in the world, and start over-------but 1st you MUST fix what allowed you to destroy your own kids/H/mge.
 
#17 ·
Are you saying that you cannot be relied upon to conduct self-discipline?

If so, are you willing to relinquish your freedom to ensure that you behave like a person?

Because if you really want to make the marriage work, that is what you'll have to do.
 
#11 ·
Let's be painfully honest. This affair didn't end because you realized the error of your ways and were remorseful. Your husband had to catch you. You not only put your marriage and family at risk but also your job because you had an affair with a guy at work.
You didn't want to talk to your husband about the affair or the marriage before he caught you. Why would he be interested in talking to you, now? If you hadn't been caught, you'd still be in this affair. What could you say that would change the facts? You aren't sorry. You were just caught. If you were sorry, you would have ended this on your own. How long did this affair go on and when did the OM transition between being your preferred lover and being an idiot?
You liked pretending to be single and if there's any justice you'll get to be single full-time for real.
 
#13 ·
You compare your husband going out and playing in a basketball league with you having a sexual affair with another man behind his back and putting your husband at risk for STD's and continuing the sexual affair after being caught. I must ask you are you crazy? How in the world could you even equate the two?

You destroyed your husband's self-esteem, manhood and self-respect with your behavior and humiliated him in the absolute worst possible way and you have the nerve to equate this with him playing basketball. Your statement is absolutely demeaning outrageous and insulting to your husband and to the intelligence of everyone on this board.
 
#50 ·
Why are you trying to ream her out? She came here for advice -- not for you to attack her. And to be clear she wasn't comparing what he did to what she did. She stated that HE joined a basketball league and she started sleeping with/flirting with other men.

The only thing insulting the intelligence of this board is you trying to start up a bandwagon of hate. Chill out.
 
#15 ·
I only said how he worked out his rut by playing basketball while i cheated. I was only trying to get at the fact that he had good habits and was true to me while i was doing something much worse. There is no comparing the two things in any way that is good to me. But i want to be honest. Its what it is and i wish that wasnt the case.
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#29 ·
WTF

I have given here a break.. But she is dodging my suggestion to her.. It kinda gives the impression that she might not trying to take this seriously...

DNA test. I will call let him now where i am and so on..

Yeas that will fix the problem..
 
#25 ·
Please think carefully and be honest about this. There's no such thing as brownie points or perceived rapport here at TAM.
 
#30 ·
Forget about Malcolm for a moment. He has his own road to travel and his decisions are his to make.

You need to work on you. You have children and you are their mom. Their only mom. You need to be a better person for yourself and for them.

So quit trying to figure out how to make Malcolm let you stay. And heal yourself so you don't repeat this in your next relationship.
 
#31 ·
I'm not attempting to put you on the defensive in any way.... But after reading your postings I sense a lot of shame and bewilderment? It's almost as if you enjoy the affair, but not the fallout from getting caught. I don't blame you, but why stay married if it's preventing you from being honorable?

My question is for you. Do you love yourself? Like really and truly just adore YOU? My suspicion is that you don't and that sucks for you and anyone else that loves you.

You cannot be happy living a shame-based existence and looking for your escape with other people. Men or women. You will not find true peace and happiness attached to a hard-on. Sorry, it's more complicated than that.

Your happiness has to come from you and living in your integrity. If nothing else your children, need to see you as a woman and mother that fills them with pride and love for being a part of you.. and how amazing you CAN be.

I can't speak for your husband, I'm not a man that has been cheated on. But I am a woman that has been cheated on, and I ended the relationship with a major sense of urgency. Why, because he wasn't willing to respect boundaries and that's not a path I am willing to walk on. No. Thank. You.
 
#32 ·
Lost,

Malcom has been posting for three months now. During this time you have not talked with him. You have lied and in the end chose OM over him. You were moving to OM's office to be with him.

Due to Malcolm's exposure you found out the real OM. Only because your relationship with the OM went south, you are back to Malcolm.

How do you address this to Malcolm.

What do you say to Malcolm after not wanting to be truthfull before.

Is not Malcolm plan B. What happens when the next plan A comes along.
 
#35 · (Edited)
First, I think you need to try the best you can to put yourself in his shoes. I haven't read Malcom's thread but I think this holds true of many BS. You didn't just date other men, you had sex with them. You are his wife and he trusted you. You didn't just have sex with them, you lied and deceived him to do it. You flirted and said things to other men that you didn't say to him. While he was being faithful because he loves you and promised to be there through thick and thin, you decide that other men are better able to fullfill your needs. He is likely humiliated, emasculated, angry, confused, sad ... and a lot of other negative emotions. He visualizes you having sex with these men and it is like a porn movie in his mind and you are the star. From his perspective, you didn't give him or your marriage a second thought while you were doing it. He wonders why if he is such a good man, this other man was better. To him, your marriage was a lie. Your love for him was a lie.

I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm really not. I'm saying this because in order to have remorse you need to understand what you have done to him. Not what you did to yourself. Not that he discovered your secret. Remorse for tearing down this person you supposedly love who cared for you and provided for you and you doing it in the worst possible way.

I think understanding this is the only way to start the process of fixing yourself and becoming the person you need to be. Not just for the hope of reconciling with him but so that you stop repeating this pattern of behavior. Work on yourself; it is your only chance.
 
#36 ·
True remorse doesn't look like somebody trying to talk their victim into more opportunities for victimization. It would look like someone genuinely sorry and fully cognizant of the fact they don't deserve a second chance.
No part of you is even slightly a victim. If your husband takes your kids and boots you down the road, penniless, you will only be receiving fair wages you've worked long and hard to earn. You have no reason to complain and no cause to be pitied. Start from that posture and maybe you'll have something to work with.
 
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