Asked for divorce. Dazed and confused.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Asked for divorce. Dazed and confused.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-25-2013, 10:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Asked for divorce. Dazed and confused.

History - I've posted this elsewhere but here's the short version: wife had an affair latter part of 2011 and I busted her in Nov & Dec. She went no contact after Dec, got her sh!t together but I've been in limbo hell.

Last Wed I told her I had enough. I couldn't go on despite all the positive changes that she's made. I was still constantly triggered by her. I read "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" and found that I had a number of the "you would be happier if you left" characteristics. The breaking point though was when my kids were teasing me about never saying ILY to her. At that point I realized that I was setting a terrible example for them. We're still sharing a bed and I am still at home but that's mostly logistics around business travel.

When I told her I couldn't go on I thought I would be relived but instead I was just devastated. We sat in bed that night and held each other and cried. She kept saying she just wanted me to be happy and if D is what I needed that she would make it as easy as possible. I also forgave her for what she did. It was the first time that I was able to and coincided with completely letting go.

Now I keep second guessing the decision. I was out of town with friends this weekend and really missed her. 50% of the time I feel like I'm making a horrible mistake and I feel close to her in a way I haven't in months. The rest of the time I am ready to stat over. To be in love again. To have a fresh start. I feel horrible for what this is doing to my kids. I know they are tough but this will be the worst thing that's ever happened to them (they are 11 & 13).

I've maintained that I don't think marriage can survive an affair but now I'm not sure.

How the eff do you deal with this
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Old 03-25-2013, 10:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asked for divorce. Dazed and confused.

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Originally Posted by WonderHow View Post
History - I've posted this elsewhere but here's the short version: wife had an affair latter part of 2011 and I busted her in Nov & Dec. She went no contact after Dec, got her sh!t together but I've been in limbo hell.

Last Wed I told her I had enough. I couldn't go on despite all the positive changes that she's made. I was still constantly triggered by her. I read "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" and found that I had a number of the "you would be happier if you left" characteristics. The breaking point though was when my kids were teasing me about never saying ILY to her. At that point I realized that I was setting a terrible example for them. We're still sharing a bed and I am still at home but that's mostly logistics around business travel.

When I told her I couldn't go on I thought I would be relived but instead I was just devastated. We sat in bed that night and held each other and cried. She kept saying she just wanted me to be happy and if D is what I needed that she would make it as easy as possible. I also forgave her for what she did. It was the first time that I was able to and coincided with completely letting go.

Now I keep second guessing the decision. I was out of town with friends this weekend and really missed her. 50% of the time I feel like I'm making a horrible mistake and I feel close to her in a way I haven't in months. The rest of the time I am ready to stat over. To be in love again. To have a fresh start. I feel horrible for what this is doing to my kids. I know they are tough but this will be the worst thing that's ever happened to them (they are 11 & 13).

I've maintained that I don't think marriage can survive an affair but now I'm not sure.

How the eff do you deal with this
A book and teasing from an 11 and 13-year-old convinced you to give up on reconciliation?

I'm confused, have you been in R since Dec. 2012 or Dec. 2011?

It takes time. If it's only three months, it's definitely not enough time to make a good decision.

Given your mixed emotions, I would say you need more time to decide. The longer you wait, the more you will feel the pull to one side or the other. At some point, you will know for sure which is the right way for you. I'm not saying you will have zero regret, but you will not second-guess yourself.
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Old 03-25-2013, 10:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asked for divorce. Dazed and confused.

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A book and teasing from an 11 and 13-year-old convinced you to give up on reconciliation?

I'm confused, have you been in R since Dec. 2012 or Dec. 2011?

It takes time. If it's only three months, it's definitely not enough time to make a good decision.
Dec 2011. It's been over a year. And, no, it wasn't just a book and comments. Those were tipping points. Seriously, if my attitude about the marriage didn't change in more than a year will it ever?
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Old 03-25-2013, 11:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asked for divorce. Dazed and confused.

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Dec 2011. It's been over a year. And, no, it wasn't just a book and comments. Those were tipping points. Seriously, if my attitude about the marriage didn't change in more than a year will it ever?
It depends on the situation. People who have successfully reconciled here for the long term and still post here say it takes 2-5 years to get over the betrayal.
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Old 03-25-2013, 11:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asked for divorce. Dazed and confused.

Never heard you once mention marriage counseling ? Have you been going with your wife ? Therapy solo and for your wife ?

It doesn't seem you are both going. If your not, you need to go ASAP as you cannot think you can do this alone without professional help.
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Old 03-25-2013, 11:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asked for divorce. Dazed and confused.

WonderHow, I have read your earlier posts and I know this has been very difficult for you. Trying to salvage the marriage for your children's sake while admirable just isn't enough. When someone kills your love for them you have to make tough decisions.

Will, I read a lot of your posts and more often than not find myself nodding in agreement - but this time I think you are off base. Not everyone can reconcile and he has tried, they have done the counseling both IC and MC. It is up to him to decide what he can handle not us, and we shouldn't chide him for making a difficult decision.
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Old 03-25-2013, 11:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asked for divorce. Dazed and confused.

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I've maintained that I don't think marriage can survive an affair but now I'm not sure.

How the eff do you deal with this
And herein lies the problem, the marriage can survive if you're able to regain confidence that her love is sincere and she'll never stray again, but how do you do that? All you really know now is that it happened and that it could happen again, that's a tough reality to come to grips with. If you were a survivor of a commercial airline going down (think the one that landed in the Hudson), can you ever expect to feel fully confident in flying ever again? No. But you'd probably fly again, albeit uncomfortably and wary, but you'd fly.

Your marriage will never feel the same, but neither will any other marriage. You now know experientially, what you knew conceptually, that love and marriage doesn't guarantee exclusivity, and that there's always a chance a spouse may stray. It's your new reality.

T
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Old 03-26-2013, 06:07 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asked for divorce. Dazed and confused.

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WonderHow, I have read your earlier posts and I know this has been very difficult for you. Trying to salvage the marriage for your children's sake while admirable just isn't enough. When someone kills your love for them you have to make tough decisions.

Will, I read a lot of your posts and more often than not find myself nodding in agreement - but this time I think you are off base. Not everyone can reconcile and he has tried, they have done the counseling both IC and MC. It is up to him to decide what he can handle not us, and we shouldn't chide him for making a difficult decision.
Agreed. Cheating was a deal breaker. If it went against his fundamental core belief then even if his heart is telling him otherwise he'll never reconcile it in his head.
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Old 03-26-2013, 06:59 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asked for divorce. Dazed and confused.

Perhaps you need to see that you have more control over your situation, and that she's with you not because she wants to be married, or that she has no choice.

Perhaps it would be best to divorce, and start dating eachother. It might be the case that exercising that option gives you the closure you need. Then you could start dating this divorced woman you know, who has some kids that you already know and love ...

A variation on that approach has worked for some others. (They tend to divorce first, then reconcile afterwards...)
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