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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-26-2013, 10:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to reconcile...

Question for those who attempted/ managed to reconcile and salvage your marriage. I am in a place right now with the whole thing that I feel like I could stay or go. I still love my husband and I still choose to be with him, however, I am not longer interested in putting up with any crap. He and I talked it out over the weekend and he cried (and promised to continue treatment for depression) , I cried and I decided to let him try to earn my trust again. However, I have no idea how to do that. How do you tell someone who messed up so bad to make you feel like they can ever be trusted again? I would love to go to counselling, however, with our budge that is impossible at this point. I know that advice via internet forum is not the same as real therapy, but right now I will take whatever help I can get and in whatever form it shows up in. So again... how do you recover from something like this?
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Old 03-26-2013, 10:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to reconcile...

1.) Don't expect full recovery to happen overnight. You've gotten to this point over time. Time will be essential to recover.

2.) If your husband has been diagnosed with depression, some of this will be out of his hands. Pick up the slack where he can't.

3.) He will likely falter during R. Consider your options if he does and be ready to act on them. Make sure he understands the consequences.

4.) Discuss and make clear what your boundaries/requirements are with him.

5.) Spend time in self reflection and recognized your own issues in that have contributed to the condition of the marriage.

6.) Fix the basics in the relationship first. Empathy and communication.

7.) Leave nothing in the tank before you call it quits.
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Old 03-26-2013, 10:35 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to reconcile...

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Originally Posted by truckgirl View Post
So again... how do you recover from something like this?
First, since your D-Day was only a month ago, you just focus on the little things. Live your life from day to day. Normal actions can bring a feeling of normalcy.

Second, your husband gives you total transparency. Obviously, you won't trust anything he says or does. So, he gives you a complete window into his life. When he leaves work, he texts you. Then, you know to expect him home X minutes later. If he leaves for the store, he texts you. He can send you a picture of the store when he arrives. When he gets back, he can show you his receipt. Basically, you want to be able to account for his actions throughout the entire day.

Third, you talk about the problems that existed in your marriage that made cheating an attractive option for your husband. You have to deal with those, or you're at much higher risk of him cheating again.

If you deal with those three things, and just go day by day (expecting some days to be setbacks), then you will make progress. Over time, you'll need less accountability from your husband. This will initially be you not panicking when he goes to Home Depot. It may take you years before you're comfortable with him travelling out of town for business.

But, every day you get through generally means an easier day tomorrow. Eventually, you can have a marriage just as strong, or stronger, than it was before he cheated.

Good luck.
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Old 03-26-2013, 10:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you Phtlump (hope I got your name right!). It very much feels like its one foot in front of the other. I know I have not always been the easiest person to live with (who is??). I moved to Canada to be with him when our daughter was 6 weeks old, left my friends, family and everything I knew 1200 miles behind. I had a hard time adjusting and had some moderate to severe PPD. I know I depended on him too much, and I know I was not able to keep up my end of the bargain for awhile there. I have started working out again, eating healthy, dropped 25 pounds, got my hair cut and decided that come hell, high water or divorce I am know who I am, and if he effs up and picks that homely little **** over me then its his loss. I have decided I want a partner and I want to be a partner. I am hopeful that things work out, but I guess I feel confident that even if they don't I wont break and I wont beg.
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Old 03-26-2013, 11:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to reconcile...

Quote:
Originally Posted by truckgirl View Post
Question for those who attempted/ managed to reconcile and salvage your marriage. I am in a place right now with the whole thing that I feel like I could stay or go. I still love my husband and I still choose to be with him, however, I am not longer interested in putting up with any crap. He and I talked it out over the weekend and he cried (and promised to continue treatment for depression) , I cried and I decided to let him try to earn my trust again. However, I have no idea how to do that. How do you tell someone who messed up so bad to make you feel like they can ever be trusted again? I would love to go to counselling, however, with our budge that is impossible at this point. I know that advice via internet forum is not the same as real therapy, but right now I will take whatever help I can get and in whatever form it shows up in. So again... how do you recover from something like this?
Word of advice truckgirl. Stick with your original thread so that posters can follow your story better.

My sense is that you started another thread to because you didn't like what you heard so much on the first one. I can understand that, but your husband couldn't have changed that quickly. Your situation hasn't changed.

Right now it appears you've decided to R with him. OK, I won't judge the wisdom of that. I've been in R with my CS for a year and a half. So far, it's been successful or as successful as it can be considering the depth of her betrayal. The only way we've made it to this point is because she continues to show complete remorse. But R is not a given in my mind. She's got to continue the heavy lifting for it to sustain.

So how does she show complete remorse? By her actions.

No contact with POSOM.
No contact letter sent.
No more contact with enabling friends.
Accepted my exposure.
Has passed all the tests when I covertly monitored her.
Totally transparent with all her communication.
Open to communication about the PA at any time.
Willingness to go to MC.
Demonstrated affection and kindness.
Sexual enthusiasm.

Bottom line is that I believe she is remorseful; for now. I take it one day, one week, one month at a time.

If you truly want to R with your H. Accept nothing less. And make sure he "knows" that you're out the door otherwise.

One final bit of advice. Don't give him another chance.
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Old 03-26-2013, 11:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to reconcile...

You know how when you go on a diet and lose weight and have to change your ways of doing everything. You cant just lose the weight and go back to eating the way you were....it has to be a lifestyle change.....well.....thats what this is! Your life is going to change in every aspect. Your level of trust will never be the same, doesnt mean you can trust him again down the road but its a long hard road. Some survive others dont.

And it is my biased opinion that you will get much better advice here then you would at with a paid therapist.
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Old 03-26-2013, 01:04 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to reconcile...

Quote:
Originally Posted by badmemory View Post
Word of advice truckgirl. Stick with your original thread so that posters can follow your story better.

My sense is that you started another thread to because you didn't like what you heard so much on the first one. I can understand that, but your husband couldn't have changed that quickly. Your situation hasn't changed.

Right now it appears you've decided to R with him. OK, I won't judge the wisdom of that. I've been in R with my CS for a year and a half. So far, it's been successful or as successful as it can be considering the depth of her betrayal. The only way we've made it to this point is because she continues to show complete remorse. But R is not a given in my mind. She's got to continue the heavy lifting for it to sustain.

So how does she show complete remorse? By her actions.

No contact with POSOM.
No contact letter sent.
No more contact with enabling friends.
Accepted my exposure.
Has passed all the tests when I covertly monitored her.
Totally transparent with all her communication.
Open to communication about the PA at any time.
Willingness to go to MC.
Demonstrated affection and kindness.
Sexual enthusiasm.

Bottom line is that I believe she is remorseful; for now. I take it one day, one week, one month at a time.

If you truly want to R with your H. Accept nothing less. And make sure he "knows" that you're out the door otherwise.

One final bit of advice. Don't give him another chance.
sorry, I wasn't sure if I should stick this on to my old post or not. I am kind of a forum noob. I assumed that since I had made the choice to reconcile it was less shocked "what the hell do I do now?" and more or less I need to know what others have done regarding this very specific matter. I had zero issue with the responses, and to be honest if it had been someone coming to me with that my response would have been the same as everyone who replied. However, I am ultimately the one who has to look in my mirror every day and I have to decide where to go, it doesn't mean I can't ask for council!

The reality is I feel in my heart that he had a moment of clarity over the weekend. We had been talking and he looked at me and admitted that he had been a total ******* and that this had not been my fault. He knows my patience level for BS is depleted and I have said (and mean it) that if he left out anything, I find he was less that 100% honest or if he makes contact again I am out. I am a forgiving person, I am not a doormat, and I will not be treated as such any longer. He is truly remorseful, he has given me access to everything. I have control of the cell phone records, both his email accounts, his computers, Facebook, etc. He has turned on GPS on his phone so that I can track his movements and says he will even put on Mobile-spy if it makes me feel more secure. He swears he wants to make things right and he is aware that there are things he needs to work on, same as I do.

At this point it is up to me how this goes, and right now my choice is that I want to give it one last go. If it doesn't work or he isn't able to do what I need then I can walk out, head high and know that I gave it 110% and that some people are just baggage and best cut out of my life.
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Old 03-26-2013, 01:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to reconcile...

So assuming he cheated.

I assume reconciliation is not going the greatest. Then again, it naturally has bumps and pot holes in the road. Just sounds like you guys are either stuck in a rut, or you are considering of jumping out of the car entirely.

My question is:
Does your husband recognize the problems you two are having? Your hesitation to trust is natural and understandable, and no one should fault you for it.
And why are you the one coming here looking for advice on how to make reconciliation work?
I can understand wanting advice to deal with anger, but shouldn't your husband be the one, on here, asking for tips on how to save a marriage that he royally F'ed up?
Or is he too depressed to do that?
And out of curiosity, how much has he done to earn back your trust?

EDIT: because so far, all he has agreed to is no privacy. Which requires about zero effort.
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Old 03-26-2013, 03:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to reconcile...

Quote:
Originally Posted by truckgirl View Post
He is truly remorseful, he has given me access to everything. I have control of the cell phone records, both his email accounts, his computers, Facebook, etc. He has turned on GPS on his phone so that I can track his movements and says he will even put on Mobile-spy if it makes me feel more secure. He swears he wants to make things right and he is aware that there are things he needs to work on, same as I do.
Truckgirl, I hope he winds up being truly remorseful; but it will be months and months before you should start to believe it. At least right now he "appears" to be demonstrating it.

The test will be over the next couple of years. Can he still demonstrate it when you have triggers and mind movies, when you want to talk to him about the affair, when your anger resurfaces? Will he be patient, will he continue to apologize, continue to be transparent; or will he tell you it's time to "get over it"? Not to mention, will he remain faithful?

One thing I've found out the hard way is that R is a long process, with inevitable ups and downs. There will be times you doubt you made the right decision. But if he remains remorseful through it all, you've got a fighting chance. Good luck.
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Old 03-26-2013, 04:52 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default How to reconcile...

Truckgirl, I can relate to you totally; I'm new here too (3 months since Dday)!! My H did suffer from depression and to the certain extend he swears that it wasn't him who had an affair!! He's totally remorseful. So, you need to take a full control here; be able to access his e-mails, phones, fb account etc. he must report to you every move he makes if the R is gonna work. This might sound controlling but he's only got himself to blame. Remember, it's your call. Stay strong and good luck!
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