NC but still looking at her facebook page
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-26-2013, 11:31 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default NC but still looking at her facebook page

You all have really helped me a ton so today I have another question. My husband had a ea found out 1/26/13. finally go to point of NC on march 1. But here is what I am trying to understand. He gave me his facebook passwords so i can look at what he is doing. He has been looking up her page about 5 times a day!


Why is he doing this what is he getting from it? I have kept his fb logged in all day at work to see if they are messenging each other and it appears they are not. she is not on his friends list or anywhere that i can see. Also he only does this during day, never at ho0me and never on weekends.

Everything seems to be going better, its this last piece that bugs me. its just weirdd who does that?

So far as i can tell he has not contacted her via email or facebook. just appriciate any feedback!
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Old 03-26-2013, 11:35 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

He is still keeping tabs on her.
Doesnt sound like NC to me.
Get in his face.
NC means no contact. None. None. As in none. None.
Its a very simple concept that WS seem to have trouble grasping.
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Old 03-26-2013, 11:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

As I said before... BLOCK HER! He gave you the password and everything so you can look at what he is doing... then he likely KNOWS you know he is looking at her page... so tell him to BLOCK HER. He is keeping tabs on her because he still wants some sort of relationship with her. NC means NC. That includes checking up on her page. If he's not willing to go COMPLETE NC, well....
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Old 03-26-2013, 11:48 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

He's "being a good boy" and not "really" contacting her, but using this as a means of still feeding the high he gets from contact with her. And if you confront him, he'll be all defensive about how he's not contacting her, he's just looking, not contacting.

My husband kept putting his old issues of Playboy in the OW's mailbox for months after he was supposedly NC. When confronted, he was very defensive about that not being "real contact" and also spouted a bunch of b.s. about her still really enjoying the articles even if he couldn't be her friend anymore. ( Moron. ) I'm not sure he ever really got that reaching out to her, even in that small way, was a slap in my face. And it certainly wasn't No Contact! I also had to spell out very clearly that NC meant not reaching out to her via any third party as well, since he was still asking friends for updates and to pass along messages from him. No contact means No. Contact. At. All.

Put your foot down. He can't be trusted not to surf/stalk the OW. I don't think he needs a Facebook page if that's what he's using it for.
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Old 03-26-2013, 11:50 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

He's missing her.
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

Quote:
Originally Posted by tacoma View Post
He's missing her.



He will be fishing soon or she will........Stomp it quickly.
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

thanks all, you confirmed what i was thinking. I guess i needed a kick in the pants. this road sucks! It has been bothering me for a couple weeks and i thought it would stop, but it hasn't.

I did block her on his facebook for him and lo and behold 15min later he called and asked, he just unblocked her. I don't think he has let go of this relationship. obviously.

I know he is gonna try and feed me some bs line about how he is just looking to see what she is doing to thi house she is working on. I don't think he graps just what his ea and and lies have done to me and our marriage. his is gonna say that his looking has no impact on our marriage and relationship etc blah blah blah. if it was once a day i might buy it, but its every 2hrs all day at work. hes like a junkie. I never would have thought i would be here.

he would never tolerate this from me....so i need to man up and expect this to stop. He aint gonna like this conversation and pointers on how to address? cant do it tonight im taking my 23 yr old daughter out for her birthday and don't want that ruined for her.

as a footnote like most he is gonna try and spin this, i have learned just how manipulative he can be thru this process.


thoughts???
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

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thanks all, you confirmed what i was thinking. I guess i needed a kick in the pants. this road sucks! It has been bothering me for a couple weeks and i thought it would stop, but it hasn't.

I did block her on his facebook for him and lo and behold 15min later he called and asked, he just unblocked her. I don't think he has let go of this relationship. obviously.

I know he is gonna try and feed me some bs line about how he is just looking to see what she is doing to thi house she is working on. I don't think he graps just what his ea and and lies have done to me and our marriage. his is gonna say that his looking has no impact on our marriage and relationship etc blah blah blah. if it was once a day i might buy it, but its every 2hrs all day at work. hes like a junkie. I never would have thought i would be here.

he would never tolerate this from me....so i need to man up and expect this to stop. He aint gonna like this conversation and pointers on how to address? cant do it tonight im taking my 23 yr old daughter out for her birthday and don't want that ruined for her.

as a footnote like most he is gonna try and spin this, i have learned just how manipulative he can be thru this process.


thoughts???
Why didnt he block her? is he remorseful at all?

have him read this...

CUT any and ALL possible ties with the other man/woman. Keeping a person in your life with whom you have had an affair is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Not only is this a confusing message to the other person, it is also EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL to your spouse. It does not matter if you have known this other man/woman since kindergarten,or have to see this person at work. it is time to break those ties. Do what you must to avoid any contact. Convincing yourself that you need to talk to them to 'break it off' only communicates that their feelings, not your spouse's, are what you are most concerned about. Once you have allowed another individual to permeate, invade or undermine your marital union, there is no place for this person in your life. You simply cannot expect your victim spouse to move past the affair as long as you continue communicating with, seeing, or having any type of relationship with this other man/woman. It is in fact an insult to the intelligence of your current spouse for you to say that you can maintain a professional, platonic, or otherwise innocent relationship with this destructive individual. Furthermore, because this person had an affair with a married man/woman, your current spouse knows they have absolutely NO RESPECT for your marriage. Continuing to work with, hang out with, email or chat with this person is probably the single worst possible thing to do if you are wanting to repair your marriage. This is the time to figure out which relationship is the MOST IMPORTANT to you, either your marriage or the relationship with the other man/woman, and behave accordingly. You simply cannot drive in two lanes at once....EVER!!
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

he unblocked her? my dear it's time to make a stand and see a lawyer
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:17 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

Have divorce papers ready? Seriously, that may be the only way to get him to stop. At the very least, have them in the house, ready to fill out. And if he tries to spin his story, stand your ground. "NC means NC. That INCLUDES checking up on her. And the fact that you can't even do THAT means you're not all in this marriage. I refuse to be married to someone who isn't all in. Your choice... block her, and zero contact AT ALL...or divorce."
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

idk struggling. He has not shown much remorse since this went down. Keep saying how it was killing him that he was hurting ppl he cared about. that was early on and i personally think he was more upset about her hurting her....

he is acting like nothing happened, keeps saying we just need to get on with our lives. that everything is ok.

i know i need to move on too but i cant when he is doing this. im stuck
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:21 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

If he is seeking her out, even to know ANYTHING about her, it's not NC. As WW who rationalized myself back into the affair and tortured my husband with a second D-Day, I can tell you that it's incredibly difficult but absolutely IMPERATIVE to cut all access to any knowledge of the AP. NC means no physical, communication, and most importantly for your recovery process - NO MENTAL CONTACT... Just like mind movies and things that the BS has to attempt to stop, WS have to STOP thinking about the AP, stop wondering, stop checking. That seed will sprout into a vicious weed that destroys all the progress you are trying to make. And he can't make an honest effort with you if he is still harboring thoughts of her.

He likely misses her. It will take time for that to pass. BUT it will never pass if he keeps feeding his hurtful obsession. My advice to you is to block her, and change his FB password so he can't access the account until he is through the worst of the withdrawal. If he can't understand the necessity of that for your combined health, then he really doesn't get what he has done to himself and you.

I'm sorry you have to struggle through this. But here is a situation where he clearly needs your help, even if he doesn't want it. All the best to you.
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

I agree with everyone else and I'll add my own tidbit. I apologize for my bluntness, but he is most likely looking at her pictures for fantasizing material.
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

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Originally Posted by browndogs View Post
idk struggling. He has not shown much remorse since this went down. Keep saying how it was killing him that he was hurting ppl he cared about. that was early on and i personally think he was more upset about her hurting her....

Thats not good, him not seeing or acknowledging the damage HE has done to his wife, more concerened for her

he is acting like nothing happened, keeps saying we just need to get on with our lives. that everything is ok.

He is taking Rug sweeping 101, you can can get thru it together but you cant get over it and No everything is not ok

i know i need to move on too but i cant when he is doing this. im stuck
Have you read the newbie link? it's at the bottom of my post, if you have not, read it....really read it
read about the 180, maybe you need to do it? By him even checking on her, shows that he still cares, I dont care what spin he puts on it, that the honest to god truth(he still cares), why in the world would he, if he didnt still care about her?
What consequences has he faced?

Last edited by strugglinghusband; 03-26-2013 at 12:39 PM.
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: NC but still looking at her facebook page

Quote:
Originally Posted by browndogs View Post
idk struggling. He has not shown much remorse since this went down. Keep saying how it was killing him that he was hurting ppl he cared about. that was early on and i personally think he was more upset about her hurting her....

he is acting like nothing happened, keeps saying we just need to get on with our lives. that everything is ok.

i know i need to move on too but i cant when he is doing this. im stuck
No, honey, this is EXACTLY when you need to do it. When he IS acting this way. If he were serious about repairing the marriage, he would have absolutely no problem with blocking her. My husband's OW was someone we both had considered a friend at one time. When given the choice "her or me", he chose to remove her from everything, and blocked her on Facebook. That was a year ago. And she is STILL blocked on his Facebook, and no emails/texts since June (second link in my signature is THAT story). But the poitn is, NOW is the time to push this. If you don't, he WILL do it again.
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