I Feel Betrayed BUT My Wife Claims That It's Not An Online Affair
About 9 1/2 years ago I married the women whom I had been dating since 9th grade (consistently). We have 4 children and I've always loved her very much. About 3-4 years ago I found out that she had been on some online forum, talking with someone (a male) about our love life/sexual exploits, to include sexually explicit details. Now before anyone says, "Oh she was just getting advice", it was very clear that he was getting off on it and she was facilitating -- he would ask for more details, like "What were you wearing" and she'd tell him, or talk fantasies, etc. I found out simply because one day I went to use the computer and she hadn't logged out, so the whole thread was there (they had been chatting for more than a year).
I'm in IT so after confronting her (she claimed that she didn't see it as wrong or sexual and didn't realize that the guy clearly did -- which I do NOT believe), I then told her openly that I would restrict the sites she could go to and log everything she does on the computer until I could trust her again. After her dogged complaints about three months later I removed the blocks and stopped the logging (in truth, I never checked the logs... it was more a scare tactic).
Now, for about two years she's complained that I never make her account an admin, but that's always been because I don't want her screwing up the computer and me either having to hear, "It's pretty sad that you're in IT and you can't keep my computer running" again (she's screwed it up multiple times when she had admin rights). She's a stay-at-home mom and honestly I've (ever since the above incident) been worried that I leave her with the kids because... well... I didn't fully trust her after that (I know, I know, it was only online, but that's a first step IMHO).
So, for about the last 7 months on Facebook a guy in a group that both she an I are members of kept complimenting her, flirting, etc, even after I and several other members of the group said that she's not interested and that's not cool. I kept telling her to tell him that it wasn't okay (the group is a debates group), but she kept claiming that she didn't want to be embarrassed if he claimed he wasn't flirting (telling someone that they are really pretty and that you would have intercourse [I cleaned that language up] is pretty clearly flirting) even though other members of the group had all said it was and told him to knock it off. About a week ago she had me check her email for a message from some one and I noted a Facebook Friend Request email from this guy. A couple of days later the opportunity came where I could not only confirm the friend request was accepted BUT that he had messaged her that same day (the day of the opportunity, not the day that the request was made). His message said that she was very pretty and he could see why I "snatched her up so quickly". She hadn't seen the message yet, but I immediately blocked him on her account, got him kicked out of the group, and confronted her.
She claimed that she had done nothing wrong in accepting the friend request, despite the obvious fact that he was flirting, claiming (similarly as to her claim a few years ago with the other guy on that forum I mentioned) that she didn't know that he was flirting and didn't believe me when I kept telling her that he was. I then told her that she wasn't allowed to use any computers for a while, locked her out, changed her email/facebook passwords, etc, until she gave a real apology and I could trust her. She then said that I couldn't "punish her". We're going to see a therapist, but she keeps saying that I'm treating her like a child, I can't punish her, etc. I'm not punishing her -- I'm trying to decide what to do (I have a bunch of young children and I really do love her... it's the trust part that is lacking).
BTW, she claims that she would have dealt with it if I had given her the chance to have seen the message. Perhaps I should have, but in friending him and based on the previous online affair, I didn't want to know the response.
So, am I wrong to have cut her off from the computer pending counselling? More importantly, was it wrong for her to accepted the friend request -and- was it wrong for her to have never rebuffed his flirts (even though I kept telling her to)? One last thing, so that no one comes in saying, "It's your fault for not expressing your love for her", I've always been the one in the relationship to compliment, hug, say "I love you", etc. I was the one who pursued her and have generally always been very loving (I'm also the one usually asking her to be more loving and less cold)... and these guys 1) are much older, 2) much fatter (I'm actually very fit), 3) make much less money, 4) have much lower levels of education than I... of course, my wife has no degree, and no job (other than being a stay-at-home mom [and yet I still do all of the laundry, cook breakfast, get my children to and from school, and cook dinner a fair amount of the time]), so I guess there's some link there.
Anyone have any guidance or thoughts? It hurts me a lot to feel betrayed (and even worse that I feel she's lying about not knowing he was flirting/not having believed me that he was flirting and she STILL won't admit that the other incident was an online/emotional affair/wrong) and part of me says that I shouldn't be married anymore (although I don't want to have 'wasted' almost 10 years), but I have children and I don't want to get into an ugly battle over them or anything. I don't know what to do... she claims that neither were online affairs and that what she did in both weren't "wrong" (of course, when I asked if it had been me, she says that that would have been wrong... shocking, I know).