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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-26-2013, 02:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Need Some Advice Here (HELP!!!)

I know that I am going to get blasted when I tell my story here, just looking for any outlooks that would be different from mine or anyone that may have been able to overcome something similar.

I have been with the same girl since college, we have been together for about 20 years, with a 5 year break from 2002-2007. The break was caused because we had grown apart, so was always running, hanging with her friends, never wanted to do anything, etc., etc.

We kept in touch those 5 years, talking a few times a week and talked about reconciling. I had moved out of the state and had put my life together. About 3 months after our split, she butt dialed me on her cell while with with one of her friends. This friend was having an affair on her husband and this is when her friend asked my girlfriend if she was still carrying on with her business partner Cliff. My girlfriend stated not really, we have kind of called it quits.

Cliff is someone that my girlfriend used to work with back in 1998, but the 2 have remand friends and even went into business together. At the time they were working together, he was married. I was furious to learn this, but swallowed that was why we grew apart and I had left her already and was well on my way to rebuilding my life without here.

In 2007 we reconciled, I never really brought the Cliff thing up again and decided the only way to start was to start clean. She was still in business with Cliff. So I swallowed that and moved forward.

From 2007 thru now, things have not been great, but not good anymore. She has family and friends that live about 3 hours from us and she would go out there often and stay the weekend or so she said. Turns out that the two of them were having an affair again and it has been ongoing for the last year or so. Most times that she told me she was staying with her friends out of town, on business out of town, appointments, etc., she was with him at his house. An average of 2-3 nights a week for the last year.

I caught here in so many lies over the last year, that I am the dumbass for not realizing the truth from fiction. I always wanted to see the best in here, always belive the improbable as long as there was some possibility that what she was telling me was the truth.

Over the last year on several occasions I had confronted here about our relationship and even stated that maybe we should end it and it was always I love, don't go, I will do better, etc., etc., but she never did anything, it just got worse.

Now the bombshell, a friend of hers is a travel agent and she told me that she had an extra ticket / vacation to Costa Rica and wanted her to go. My girlfriend dropped this on me 3 days before the trip. offered to go with them, pay out of pocket, pay premium for last minute and she just said that she needed a break from work, stress release and it was just the two of them and she wanted girl time.

She went with Cliff and did not call me the whole time. She called here parents to tell me that she was ok and that she was having problems making out of the country calls which is why she had not called.

Now the good part, prior to the trip, for about 2 weeks before the trip, I had learned everything, but kept quite and played along. I wanted to see the lies first hand, wanted to see how much, how often she would lie to me. I knew everything, I mean everything for about three weeks, where she was, who she was with, text messages, phone calls, etc., etc.

I was shocked at the depths of here lies, the disrespect, the disloyalty, etc. etc. She has a side to here that I never saw before or did not want to see. This is the second time I know for sure that she has had an ongoing affair, I am pretty sure that she has had these types of issue for about the last 17 years.

She has and has always had a self esteem issue, always wanting to be liked, to be hit on, to be looked up to, cared what others thought, etc.

She was finally confronted, she initially denied it, but the evidence was well beyond lies now. We have not been close or as husband and wife for about 6 months. She was very upset and I did some things to hurt her as well, which I will not mention, but nothing bad or illegal, just enough to have here feel what I was feeling, no I did not go cheat either. In short, I betrayed her trust in an area in which she trusted me.

I have started packing my stuff and planning on moving for work out of state. She now has come to be on 4 occasions wanting to really give our relationship another try, a real try. While my heart wants to, we have a great life, I don't think I can. I think I could have moved past a one night stand, but an ongoing affair, two separate times, with the same guy, the lies, disrespects, etc.

In addition, her mom and dad knew. I am extremely close with her parents, I love them as much as my own and the love me like their son, or at least I thought they did. I understand that they were in a tough spot, but they have known for the last 6 month and kind of covered for her while she was on vacation with Cliff.

As tough as it is, I plan on starting my life over again, relocating for work to a city were I don't know anyone and rebuild. Part of me wants to try again though. I don't know if I love her or the idea of what we could have been and the opportunities that we now be missed. We could have had a beautiful life together with everything that we would want, is that what I love or here, or both, I don't know.

Here is my question, does anyone here think that it is possible that someone like this could actually change, that we could rebuild, that we could find long-term happiness. I don't see it, I want to, but how is it possible. Putting the affair aside and say that I could get past that.

The level on disrespect, the length of the lie, having mom and dad part of the lies, choosing him over me on countless occasions, etc.

Anyone ever overcome more and been successful? She says that she wants to try and that she will try, but I know or believe that the commitment that it would take on her part is beyond what she can give. I see it that I would be wasting more years of my life.

BTW, we have no kids. Anyone think that there is a way out for us or should I pack, move and leave this girl in my rearview mirror and never talk with her again?
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Old 03-26-2013, 02:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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In a word: Go!
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Old 03-26-2013, 02:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Yeah you need to go. If you feel like you are emotional checked out and are able to make this move freely, there is no doubt you should go. 2 Affairs you were 2nd priority and parents even were involved. Tell her to have a good life with cliff and sure her that he will take care of her. Move on.. sorry that you are going through this, go find someone who is worth it.
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Old 03-26-2013, 02:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank your lucky stars that you didn't have kids with her and leave like a Boss. You forgive her now and ten, twenty years down when you have kids you'll regret not leaving her when you find out that she's been cheating throughout.
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Old 03-26-2013, 02:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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=*( I would run..but I'm still sticking around so...I'm great for giving good advice tough.. my head tell's me you better go and not look back..
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Old 03-26-2013, 02:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Some Advice Here (HELP!!!)

...and parents covering for wayward daughter? What's that, triple humiliation?

Save yourself good sir. Just run. Run away from these people, let her be used by someone else and start your life anew.

Don't look back.
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Old 03-26-2013, 02:40 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Some Advice Here (HELP!!!)

Frankly, I don't see her not cheating again. Not as you describe her and not with how you handled things with her before.

I'm not trying to beat you up, but it sounds like you rug swept her prior affair, thus leading to a lack of consequences for her. That in turn contributed to the likelihood of repeat behavior.

But the bottom line is that she has now cheated on you (at least) twice, putting her in the serial cheater category. I assume you're not married and with no kids; move on.

Just like anyone else, you deserve someone that will be faithful. She's had her chances.
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Old 03-26-2013, 04:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Put her in your rear view mirror on the way to your great new adventure in life.

Why even consider reconciling with someone that has treated you with such disdain and disrespect? There are a lot of decent women out there hoping for a good guy to come along. Go meet some of them!
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Old 03-26-2013, 05:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by xenus7850 View Post
BTW, we have no kids. Anyone think that there is a way out for us or should I pack, move and leave this girl in my rearview mirror and never talk with her again?
In business with him so she sees him everyday at work, secretly stayed at his house 2 to 3 nights a week for a year while her friends knew and helped cover it up, went on vacation with him instead of you as her friends and parents knew and covered it up, and you found out after the fact that she cheated with this same guy prior to the last time that you separated, all make this one of the sickest most horrible cheaters that I have ever read about on this board. She and her family are true scum. Thank God that you do not have children with her; not just for you but for the sake of the children too.

Wow, your relationship never had a chance. She spends more of her waking hours with him every week than she does with you. It was all a lie and everyone but you knew that. Every time you said something that showed that you did not know, everyone would laugh at you behind your back. Your wife and the other man made you the into local fool. The other man was one of the people laughing at you. He was on the inside with her, while you were on the outside and did not even know it. He knew where she was when she was not sleeping with him, but you did not know where she was when she was not sleeping with you.

I dragged it out not to hurt you, but to warn you why you cannot go back. It is good that you are leaving town, as too many know and were in on it for you to want to still live there anymore. You want to find a good mate to raise a family with you, and you do not want her or your future children to hear how you were played the fool. You do not know it yet, but when you leave her your life is about to take a turn for the best. Life with a true and loving mate that you can have a chance at having a real relationship with, will give you happiness that you have never experienced before with the bad seed that you have been wasting your life with all of these years. Someone that confides in you and puts you first before all others. Someone that wants to experience life with you by their side.Be well and good luck to you.
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Old 03-26-2013, 05:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Some Advice Here (HELP!!!)

Everyone makes mistakes....you might not have done what you should have done in the past to end the roller coaster but you see whats happening now and you realize that you need to make some changes..thats the good part. That much time together is hard to erase but she obviously has no respect for you to continue to lie like that over and over. Would you ever trust that anything she said was true?

How did you catch her? Did you confont her after her trip? What was her excuse for the multitude of lies she told?
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Old 03-26-2013, 05:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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It's too much to get over I would say, best to move on
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Old 03-26-2013, 06:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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So, she cheated on you once? Twice? Three times? More? With one or more men?

And her parents knew and they supported her in her cheating? Ah! I think I might be seeing some sort of connection, here.

Can you see what I see? They were her enablers.

Not your kind of people really, are they? Best left in that rear view mirror. Pity, but 'tis for the best.
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Old 03-26-2013, 06:09 PM   #13 (permalink)
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You realize that she's actually been cheating on cliff with you right? She spends more days and nights with him than she does with you.

So why exactly isn't she moving in with him permanently? He's the one she wants. He's the one she puts all her energy and passion into.

I'm thinking she's afraid you'll take half of her business if you divorce her. So for her if she can con you into staying, she'll not loose any money and shell get to keep sleeping in cliffs bed.

She is certainly expecting to continue seeing cliff every day right? And I'm guessing shell be spending most nights with him?

Offer her an open marriage, where you get to cheat as much as she has.

Seriously,

There is no way you should stay with her. She's a committed long term cheater and cliff is a pile of human garbage. I bet she is why is marriage ended.

Put cliff up on cheateville.com, it's where scum like him belong.

Take every dime you can from the business. It's half yours as her husband. Make sure also to take out of her part the cost of her trip with cliff.

If it was me, cliff would be moving out of town out of fear for what was coming his way.

And as for her parents who happily covered up her affair, I'd tell them to go f themselves. What horrible horrible people. They've known you for how long? And they don't do anything to warn you that you've been cheated on for years and years?
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Old 03-26-2013, 06:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Considering she's been cheating or having sex with cliff since what 2000 or before, and has been pretty much living at his house 3 nights a week.

Why isn't she Ding you and being with him full time?
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Old 03-26-2013, 06:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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So, she cheated on you once? Twice? Three times? More? With one or more men?

And her parents knew and they supported her in her cheating? Ah! I think I might be seeing some sort of connection, here.

Can you see what I see? They were her enablers.

Not your kind of people really, are they? Best left in that rear view mirror. Pity, but 'tis for the best.
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