Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-26-2013, 07:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

Ok, this is my first time posting on a forum so if I'm doing anything wrong I ask you guys to let me know. I will try to describe my situation briefly as my wife will be home soon and I don't want her to see what I'm doing. We have been married 15 years, have no kids together, she has a daughter from a previous marriage that I pretty much raised and who calls me father although she does has a relationship with her biological father, actually a very good relationship that both me and my wife always encouraged. Making a long story short I'm positively sure my wife is having an intense EA with a gay guy, because he is gay I have been accused of being paranoid, not let her have any friends, being controlling, etc, I have expressed this to close friends and family and because this guy is gay everyone tells me I'm crazy, I feel I'm losing my mind and that I am being constantly gaslighted. I have searched the forum for a few days and I can assure everyone here that in every single thread that describes an EA thats exactly the signs I see in my wife and what is happening to me. I don't know what else to do and have even started counseling in the off chance I'm wrong, I don't know how to cope anymore. I have confronted her and her answer is that I'm crazy that he is gay and is ridiculous I could even suggest such a thing, this has been going on for 6 months now probably longer ( she met him on Facebook) but since then in person as he doesn't live that far away. I would like someone to please help me and if you all think I'm crazy please let me know, I don't know what to believe anymore.
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

I have heard that one before, could be true but then again..... have you seen any text, e-mails, etc. between the two? Can she prove he's gay and not bi? If it looks like duck and sounds like a duck it could a decoy. (I watch entirely too much Duck Dynasty).
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

What is she doing? Sending nude pics?

Are you sure he is gay?
If so, exactly how is your wife crossing the line? What is she saying or doing?
If it were a hetero woman would you still be uncomfortable w the relationship?
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

If the guy is gay, is you issue with the amount of time they're spending together without you? The private things they may be sharing?
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:26 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

Some guys get a thrill out of breaking up couples so just because this guy is gay doesn't mean he's not playing her.

What would your wife say if you told her you met a very attractive coworker who says she's a lesbian and she's starting to form an emotional bond with you?

What's wrong with female friends? It doesn't matter if this guy is gay or a eunuch. If you are not comfortable with the friendship she should respect you and end it - just as you should respect her wishes.
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:26 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

Nope, don't fall for that crap. So what if he is gay? There are PLENTY of marriages ruined because a good "girlfriend" or "guy friend" convinced a spouse to cheat.

So maybe you could argue it isn't a classic EA, but if the end result is a broken marriage and lack of communication, is it really any different?
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

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Originally Posted by Gaslighted View Post
Ok, this is my first time posting on a forum so if I'm doing anything wrong I ask you guys to let me know. I will try to describe my situation briefly as my wife will be home soon and I don't want her to see what I'm doing. We have been married 15 years, have no kids together, she has a daughter from a previous marriage that I pretty much raised and who calls me father although she does has a relationship with her biological father, actually a very good relationship that both me and my wife always encouraged. Making a long story short I'm positively sure my wife is having an intense EA with a gay guy, because he is gay I have been accused of being paranoid, not let her have any friends, being controlling, etc, I have expressed this to close friends and family and because this guy is gay everyone tells me I'm crazy, I feel I'm losing my mind and that I am being constantly gaslighted. I have searched the forum for a few days and I can assure everyone here that in every single thread that describes an EA thats exactly the signs I see in my wife and what is happening to me. I don't know what else to do and have even started counseling in the off chance I'm wrong, I don't know how to cope anymore. I have confronted her and her answer is that I'm crazy that he is gay and is ridiculous I could even suggest such a thing, this has been going on for 6 months now probably longer ( she met him on Facebook) but since then in person as he doesn't live that far away. I would like someone to please help me and if you all think I'm crazy please let me know, I don't know what to believe anymore.
What do they talk/text/message about, and how often?
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

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Originally Posted by Gaslighted View Post
Ok, this is my first time posting on a forum so if I'm doing anything wrong I ask you guys to let me know. I will try to describe my situation briefly as my wife will be home soon and I don't want her to see what I'm doing. We have been married 15 years, have no kids together, she has a daughter from a previous marriage that I pretty much raised and who calls me father although she does has a relationship with her biological father, actually a very good relationship that both me and my wife always encouraged. Making a long story short I'm positively sure my wife is having an intense EA with a gay guy, because he is gay I have been accused of being paranoid, not let her have any friends, being controlling, etc, I have expressed this to close friends and family and because this guy is gay everyone tells me I'm crazy, I feel I'm losing my mind and that I am being constantly gaslighted. I have searched the forum for a few days and I can assure everyone here that in every single thread that describes an EA thats exactly the signs I see in my wife and what is happening to me. I don't know what else to do and have even started counseling in the off chance I'm wrong, I don't know how to cope anymore. I have confronted her and her answer is that I'm crazy that he is gay and is ridiculous I could even suggest such a thing, this has been going on for 6 months now probably longer ( she met him on Facebook) but since then in person as he doesn't live that far away. I would like someone to please help me and if you all think I'm crazy please let me know, I don't know what to believe anymore.
Dear Gaslighted,

You are not crazy. If your wife is in a relationship that you deem inappropriate then she should end it, whether the OM is gay or straight. The question is, will you insist on this and, if she refuses, what will you do?

Unless you are prepared to take strong measures -- including filing for divorce if she refuses -- you will probably lose this test of wills. My advice is, unless you are prepared to go to the mat over this, let her be and hope for the best. Continuing to badger her over it will only degrade your relationship even more and possibly destroy whatever feelings she still has for you.

But make no mistake. She does not respect you and, in the long run, this may prove fatal to your marriage.

Whatever you decide, get a copy of Athol Kay's "Married Man Sex Life Primer" and start to get your mojo back.

Good luck.
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

Gaslighted, let me tell you a true story.

I knew a married couple. I'd met them at college several years before. They were both my friends. She had a bff who was a Lesbian, who was living with her girl friend.

The couple were recently pregnant and Mr Idiot and the Lesbian bff were giving each other looks one evening. I thought: "Nah! Surely not! She's gay!"

I decided to face them down and said: "If you are thinking about getting together, just think about the fact that xxxxx is your friend, that your wife is carrying your babies, OK?"

They both expressed concern that I had misread the situation. I accepted their explanation and went home.

The next day someone (a terrible gossip) came to me and said: "You'll never guess what happened! I saw A and B together having sex! I thought he was married? And I thought she was gay?"

I went to my 'friend' and said: "You stupid b****rd! You had to go ahead and do it! You had to cheat on your wife! Even though she is pregnant! Well, as (gossip) is telling all and sundry, you can be sure that she will find out, soon enough. In fact, you either tell her now, or I will tell her!" He did.

I had a go at the bff who said: "I don't need you to tell me how to live my life!" I replied: "I disagree. And probably so will xxxx, your girl friend!" At this she gasped and fled the scene.

Eventually, he abandoned his pregnant wife and went to live with the 'Lesbian' bff, who abandoned her lover who was also upset. The wife in this was devastated. She gave birth to twins with support from me and some other friends. I remained her friend and decided not to have anything to do with him, because of what he had done.

So, just because someone is 'gay' does not mean they can't have an affair with a member of the opposite sex.
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Old 03-26-2013, 08:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gaslighted View Post
Ok, this is my first time posting on a forum so if I'm doing anything wrong I ask you guys to let me know. I will try to describe my situation briefly as my wife will be home soon and I don't want her to see what I'm doing. We have been married 15 years, have no kids together, she has a daughter from a previous marriage that I pretty much raised and who calls me father although she does has a relationship with her biological father, actually a very good relationship that both me and my wife always encouraged. Making a long story short I'm positively sure my wife is having an intense EA with a gay guy, because he is gay I have been accused of being paranoid, not let her have any friends, being controlling, etc, I have expressed this to close friends and family and because this guy is gay everyone tells me I'm crazy, I feel I'm losing my mind and that I am being constantly gaslighted. I have searched the forum for a few days and I can assure everyone here that in every single thread that describes an EA thats exactly the signs I see in my wife and what is happening to me. I don't know what else to do and have even started counseling in the off chance I'm wrong, I don't know how to cope anymore. I have confronted her and her answer is that I'm crazy that he is gay and is ridiculous I could even suggest such a thing, this has been going on for 6 months now probably longer ( she met him on Facebook) but since then in person as he doesn't live that far away. I would like someone to please help me and if you all think I'm crazy please let me know, I don't know what to believe anymore.
Against gaslighting, as you are positively sure you only weapon is gathering evidence, documenting.
Amount of text/chats/phone calls, hours, money spent. In comparison with you and the rest of mortals.
Content of the texts/chats.

So... keylogger the PC, bug the phone, document.

Then confront and lay the law. No barganing. This or divorce.
If you are so pissed off that you are geting IC to fight this... then it is clearly past half measures.
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Old 03-26-2013, 08:43 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

The penis is the deal breaker for me, period.
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Old 03-26-2013, 08:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife doesnt think its an EA because he is gay

Cheaters 101: When your husband questions your relationship with some guy that you met online, tell him that the guy is gay.

Question #1: What is the difference between a straight guy and a bisexual guy that claims to be gay when they are attracted to a woman? Answer, there is no difference.

Question #2: What does it mean in your wedding vows when you agreed to put your spouse before all others? It means that you put your spouse before some guy that you met on the Internet even if he the guy claims to be gay.

Last edited by TRy; 03-26-2013 at 09:12 PM.
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