He Cheated, then Left Me
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » He Cheated, then Left Me

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-05-2013, 11:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
ktg
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Default He Cheated, then Left Me

Thank you for reading this, I do not know where else to turn. We have been married for three years. When we met, he was honest about his past and I knew he had cheated in past relationships. He claimed to have seen how destructive that was and seemed like he meant it. Something in the back of my head always was telling me that he could not possibly just stop his cheating ways. So so many times through the years I asked him to be honest and just tell me if he had been unfaithful to me. And every time, he swore to me it was untrue. Last summer, we moved across the country for him. Before we left, I asked him again to fess up to anything because I did not want to move without knowing the truth. Just instinct I guess. Again, he cried and swore he was totally faithful. Fast forward to a few months ago and I discovered that for nearly our whole relationship he had cheated with prostitutes. And not just spur of the moment, he was a member of escorting websites. He actively sought them out. I was devastated. At first he wanted to work on things. We went to counseling and he was an open book and was supportive of me dealing with it. And then he just turned on me. He left. He took his clothes and left me here two thousand miles from my hometown. He has been gone for three weeks and has refused to speak to me. All he has said is that he has no interest in coming home and does not want to work on things, and it's over. It's like being betrayed all over. He says he is looking for his own place. I am heartbroken. I have tried to deal with this, but I don't even know how. He refuses to move his stuff out of our home until he moves in his own place. Which I find ridiculous and very hurtful. It's painful to see it and think he may come back. I have asked him why he has done this and why he cannot come home, but he ignores my emails and calls. I feel like I have given this person so much and he should at least have the decency to let me know what is going on, but he won't. Any help please!
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Old 04-05-2013, 11:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: He Cheated, then Left Me

Do you still want him back? If so, why would you want to stay with a serial cheater?
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Old 04-05-2013, 11:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: He Cheated, then Left Me

I love him. And yes, I know I deserve better. I think I feel like he has done me so wrong, and that he should respect me enough to want to make this right. Maybe that sounds silly. But it somehow hurts more that he walked away than that he cheated. The pain is so deep that I needed him to step up and be there for me and help me heal. Plus, for alot of complicated reasons, I am stuck living here until the end of the year. I can't just pack up and head back home to be surrounded by friends and family to work through this. I think being here in an unfamiliar place I never wanted to live at ALONE has made this situation unbearable. I have been seeing a counselor and it helps a little. But I miss him terribly and wish I didn't.
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Old 04-06-2013, 12:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: He Cheated, then Left Me

What are the complicated reasons keeping you from going home?
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Old 04-06-2013, 01:00 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi ktg, I just want you to know that I feel you. I've been cheated on and left by a guy too. I loved him very much. I applaud you for trying to work things out and trying to help your (ex-) husband by going to the counselor together. Maybe he isn't just ready, or open, to work on his cheating issues that's why left you, or maybe he ran off with a girl again. Either way, believe me dear, the problem is with him, not with you. Never should you feel rejected, abandoned or anything like that. Maybe it would be better to just let it go, you know? Acceptance worked for me :-) I know it hurts because you miss him, but someday you'll be much happier with a non-cheating guy. You deserve it! For the meantime just hang in there. BTW, it's a good decision to see a counselor. You should also get support from your family and friends, I don't know, maybe call them or have them call you often? You shouldn't be alone during these trying times. Hugs, mae (relationshipsguide_gal)
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Old 04-06-2013, 01:27 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: He Cheated, then Left Me

How old are the two of you?

You know, you are probably in love with who you thought he was and not this 'man' who has cheated, lied and left you. He left because you found out who he really is and he has no intention of changing to make you happy.

He did not only lie about his cheating. He lied about who he is. He pretended to be someone he is not to get you to stay with him and then to move with him.

That guy you thought he was? You know they guy who loves you and who would never hurt you? That guy is still out there looking for you. But you have to move beyond this relationship to be able to find him.

Why is it that you are stuck where you are at? Why cannot you move back home to be with people who care about you?

What you are doing right now, begging him to come back, etc is very unattractive and counter productive. My suggestion is that you interact with him from here on out according to the 180 (see link in my signature block below. This will help you deal with what is going on in a much healthier way.

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Old 04-06-2013, 06:38 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi ktg: I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks. My H also cheated on me and then left me 18 months after DDay. I am also in a strange very small town far away from my friends and family. At first I was really devastated. Wanted him back, at all costs. But you know what? He cheated and he lied and we both deserve better. I know that now (it doesn't mean I don't miss him) and the missing him feeling will pass too eventually.

Do a search on this website for the 180 and start implementing it. I think it is especially important that you do it if you are far away from your friends and family. It helped me so much, not only to get to know myself but I also made (found?) fantastic friends here in the process. I am actually at the point that I am wondering if this is not "home" now.

So do the 180 and break off all contact with him. When he comes and goes, ignore him. Coming and going, leaving his stuff, that is just his way of manipulating you. Don't play the game with him. Start living your life as if he doesn't exist (it is HARD at first but fake it and you will make it).
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Old 04-06-2013, 07:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you everyone. I've been up crying all night over this. I did read the 180 and it seems so hard, but I know it is probably best. I have been trying (it's embarrassing to admit- but hey,no need to lie) so hard to work it out and fight for my marriage. I do not want to look back and think I did not try with all I had. He just ignores me and it makes me feel terrible. Stronger people would just stop trying after that. But, I guess I am not that strong and being thrown aside like trash just makes me feel more frustrated and desperate to be told Something! I feel so weak and pathetic. He refuses to deal with moving out his things and refuses to tell me if he is coming home. I have felt emotionally stuck because it gives me hope he may come back. I have not been able to pack it up, but I finally told him it needed to be moved this weekend if he was not coming home. He ignored this so I told him I would move it to storage myself. He ignored this too. (You would think somebody would care about their belongings)....I think that I have been avoiding packing it because it makes it seem so final and that is very scary. He is staying with family about an hour away, and he said he was getting his own place: but that has not happened yet. More fuel for me to keep on hoping....To answer the questions, we are in our 30's: 33 and 34. I cannot go home right now because I am a PhD student on stipend. I have a contract obligation to see this through until the end of the year.
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Old 04-06-2013, 11:55 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: He Cheated, then Left Me

It just isn't possible to make him do anything.

So you need to focus on yourself. Not him.

Tell yourself every day that you are getting stronger and that you will get through this.
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Old 04-06-2013, 12:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
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It's probably not just prostitutes. He most likely has another woman that he is with now.

I know it is extremely difficult to do PhD-level research with this going on, but if you can force yourself to follow the 180, you will get some relief.

He's a serial cheater. You don't feel it yet, but you are well rid of him.
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Old 04-06-2013, 12:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Stop chasing him now, no contact and do the 180. You will be fine even though it feels dark right now. I was going through a similar situation when I was in grad school and decided to get rid of the problem and go on alone rather than try to fix her
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Old 04-06-2013, 01:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I am going to try my hardest to do the 180. I've always been a 'trier'....I hate giving up on things. I hope one day I will look back and be glad to be rid of him: but right now it does not feel that way. Sometimes I think the heart and the head just don't match up and my heart feels like I need him to come home and wipe my tears. I bought some boxes/ trash bags and am going to try to pack up some of his stuff over the weekend. Yes, it has been very difficult trying to hold it together for my research and deal with this. I feel like I am barely holding on and just going thru the motions everyday. It is good to hear that other people have gone through this and have come out the other side happy and strong. It's so hard to let go of the dreams I had for us. It's just a sad, destructive situation and it's so unfair that I'm the one left picking up the pieces.
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Old 04-06-2013, 01:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ktg View Post
I am going to try my hardest to do the 180. I've always been a 'trier'....I hate giving up on things. I hope one day I will look back and be glad to be rid of him: but right now it does not feel that way. Sometimes I think the heart and the head just don't match up and my heart feels like I need him to come home and wipe my tears. I bought some boxes/ trash bags and am going to try to pack up some of his stuff over the weekend. Yes, it has been very difficult trying to hold it together for my research and deal with this. I feel like I am barely holding on and just going thru the motions everyday. It is good to hear that other people have gone through this and have come out the other side happy and strong. It's so hard to let go of the dreams I had for us. It's just a sad, destructive situation and it's so unfair that I'm the one left picking up the pieces.
Dont look at this like you are giving up....see it for what it really is..a chance for you to do what is best for YOU!!!! I understand that you dont want to close the door. I get that, how about you just close it just enough to leave a crack and you still go on. I agree with joining a gym (the workout will do wonders for your stress). He is in his fog state right now. He's not thinking clearly so you need to think clearly for yourself as well as him. Box his stuff up to get it out of your sight. If anything place it outside on the curb or in storage. he left it there with no intentions of coming back so he abandoned it. Sell it on ebay! Make some cash for a mani and pedi. what ever you do...do it for you!
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