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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-09-2013, 04:01 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

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Originally Posted by Red Sonja View Post
I cannot speak to the cheating question as I have no experience. However these behaviors of hers would worry me …



In both these incidents you expressed your wishes (boundaries) and she waked all over them. This is a 3 month relationship and she is already “over giving”. I am a woman and IMO this indicates that she already has a “story of us” (i.e. you and her) painted in her head. My advice is to proceed cautiously and slowly and, observe how she reacts when you have plans that do not include her or when you seriously decline one of her “over giving” gestures. If she becomes angry/hurt … RUN.
yeah, I agree to watchout for this. Does she have a social life? And since she does all this cooking for you, who's paying for the groceries? You may be racking up a bill here. Remember, nothing comes for free.
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Old 04-09-2013, 05:21 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

OP- just my .02, but from reading your post. She does not appear to be a bad gamble to me. She clearly thinks of you and has feelings for you as evidenced by her actions. Actions are worth a heck of a lot more to me than words. She didn't have to tell you about the cheating part- again another action... at least from my standpoint. Sounds like she's laying it all out for you to see- good and bad and hoping for the best.

Now, if you don't have the same kind of feelings for her, don't lead her on. If you do, I would proceed.

While I have never cheated- I am certainly a different person today than I was in my youth. Experience, maturity and a better understanding of who I am has changed me.

Good luck
WD
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Old 04-09-2013, 06:10 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

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Originally Posted by norajane View Post
We don't know how long she was married to her exH.

We do know the cheating occurred over 10 years ago, so any character growth she has developed was not "overnight".
Okay - no matter how long - she still made it right in her head to go ahead and do it.....

and yes the cheating occurred over 10 years ago - BUT, once again, my experience is once someone has crossed the line, it is easier to do it again. Just my experience....

Others may disagree - I counselled people who had rouble with the law and they told me it is so much easier to cross the line once you have crossed it in the past and even after they "change" they find themselves often tempted to do it again.

Thus the concern of the poster and my concern.

Funny story - I was married to my wife for over 25 years and I used to say to her when we were married that if I ever dated again I would be such a different person and behave so differently because I had all this insight on relationships and did all this growing while married...yet when I started dating - funny things started to happen that were remarkably similar to when I was dating over 25 years ago......coincidence? I do not think so....

point being - we think we have changed but when push comes to shove underneath it all we are the same.

Perhaps she could change her behaviour but underneath it she thought the grass would be greener (a character issue) and I believe the poster has a justified and normal right to be concerned.

Why do most women always ask the man they are with if they ever cheated on former girlfriends (mine always did) - to see the person's character.....just my .02
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Old 04-09-2013, 06:14 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

I can't think of any relationship in which I asked the guy if he ever cheated. Maybe because I think this is one of those questions, if you have to ask, does that reflect on you.

OP, another question I thought of.....she said she cheated because she thought the grass would be greener........ did she ever say what exactly she felt was missing in her marriage that this AP might have been able to fulfill.
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Old 04-09-2013, 06:30 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

I do not think it matters what she thought she was fulfilling - point being - she pursued it behind her husband's back. Character issue.

Google what one should ask a new boyfriend and most questions ask about prior relationships and what we did in certain situations with the opposite sex.

Would I date someone who cheated on in the past....I have and would BUT I would be aware of what they are capable of doing.....(now I know most would say everyone is capable - which is true) but most would acknowledge some are more capable than others.
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Old 04-09-2013, 06:48 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

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Originally Posted by bigtone128 View Post
Here's a different take and might be controversial....my experience has been a leopard never changes its spots....I have done a lot of reflecting on my ex since all this happened and I realized although she said she was flighty and noncommittal before she met me and "changed" afterwards - that part of herself was always there.
She just covered it up and glossed over it.

Whatever experiences brought her to think the grass was greener will bring her back to that same place again. She said the reason she moved on is because (at least I thought I saw this) her AP found someone else.....

We talk about it here all the time that those who have affairs have something missing in their characters - I believe that to be true. That does not grow overnight.....

What makes me suspicious about this dame is how she offered it up so readily - my ex did much of the same to "convince" me she was new and improved.

The question I would like to ask her is "What did you say in your head to make it okay to sleep with some dude and leave your husband of 10 years in the dust?".

I don't know perhaps I am too suspicious.
Life for one betrayed is always forever after viewed through cheat-tinted glasses, but life goes on. It depends on whether you want to live the rest of your precious life unhappy and alone. Not to say that you should go gung-ho and throw caution to the wind, but if your eyes were closed before cheating then they're wide open after..open eyes, radar, thermal imaging, night googles, motion detectors the lot.

Even if you weren't cheated on it pays to always be vigilant. Vigilant to the fact your relationship may be waning and you're starting to take each other for granted, vigilant for slipping into bad habits, dishonesty etc.

Nothing wrong with being cautious but when cautious leads to retentive then thats an issue
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Old 04-09-2013, 07:43 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

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Originally Posted by NextTimeAround View Post
I can't think of any relationship in which I asked the guy if he ever cheated. Maybe because I think this is one of those questions, if you have to ask, does that reflect on you.

OP, another question I thought of.....she said she cheated because she thought the grass would be greener........ did she ever say what exactly she felt was missing in her marriage that this AP might have been able to fulfill.
Good question. Could penis size have been a factor?
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Old 04-09-2013, 08:39 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

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Originally Posted by bigtone128 View Post
I don't know perhaps I am too suspicious.
I dont think you are

It's difficult and when many of us have been ripped to pieces by this - it is not an easy path

To take another angle on this if any of you on here met my stbxw she'd come across as similar to the OP woman - she'd admit it (just the one of course) and she has the personality that makes you warm instantly and want to 'protect ' her possibly fall in love with her.

What I know of course is that she'd sooner or later add you to the list of destroyed partners who simply become another infidelity statistic/victim

Once people like this are confident and on the loose there's is no end to their brilliantly acted out manipulation

Of course not everybody is, thank god, like that but it does of course put you very much on your guard.

I'd still want to find out more about her and the specifics of her previous relationship and why she felt she ought to cheat.

It's terrible when I look at what I have just written - just look at the amount of trust I have after living with somebody like this
- not good.

Fking cheaters !
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Old 04-09-2013, 08:43 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

You can try to do your due diligence on her. Check withmutual azquaintences, and do a background check.
If she is like a high % of cheaters, things will start not adding up.
Look at job history, credit, school performance, and really take a close look at her mom, if possible.
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Old 04-09-2013, 08:44 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

You can try to do your due diligence on her. Check with mutual aquaintences, and do a background check.
If she is like a high % of cheaters, things will start not adding up.
Look at job history, credit, school performance, and really take a close look at her mom, if possible.
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Old 04-09-2013, 11:57 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

Thank you for your replies. All good advice, at least those that I have read (so far). I will continue reading later. Some of you asked me about my ex-wife. She is no longer around. She succumbed to cancer middle of last year. She left me for OM who was a co-worker. Both of them planned to divorce their respective spouses and take their relationship to the next level and eventually get married. However, both of them are gone. The OM died in an accident.

Since my ex left me, I wasn't seriously dating anyone. I intend to take this relationship slow and steady.
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Old 04-10-2013, 12:05 AM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

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Originally Posted by J Valley View Post
Thank you for your replies. All good advice, at least those that I have read (so far). I will continue reading later. Some of you asked me about my ex-wife. She is no longer around. She succumbed to cancer middle of last year. She left me for OM who was a co-worker. Both of them planned to divorce their respective spouses and take their relationship to the next level and eventually get married. However, both of them are gone. The OM died in an accident.

Since my ex left me, I wasn't seriously dating anyone. I intend to take this relationship slow and steady.
This is sad, ironic and karmic all in the same post.
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Old 04-10-2013, 12:39 AM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

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I was wondering what she did with the tickets. If I gave tickets to a friend who said that they would use them, I would be miffed if they didn't. I could have sold them and gotten some money off of Craigslist or something.

OP, do you know anything about her romantic life during these last 10 years. She may have learned her lesson simply for the fact that she couldn't find anyone else to date her.
The tickets are still with her. Apparently, she has checked with the ticket office and they said we could exchange for some other tickets subject to terms and conditions. I think there is a penalty that we need to pay.

So far the information that I got from her was given without any prompting. She volunteered them. I have not done any digging yet. At some point of time, I would need to dig further
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Old 04-10-2013, 12:41 AM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

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Originally Posted by Red Sonja View Post
This is a 3 month relationship and she is already “over giving”. I am a woman and IMO this indicates that she already has a “story of us” (i.e. you and her) painted in her head. My advice is to proceed cautiously and slowly and, observe how she reacts when you have plans that do not include her or when you seriously decline one of her “over giving” gestures. If she becomes angry/hurt … RUN.
I agree, she is "over giving". The question is when does the "over giving" stop or will it stop at all?
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Old 04-10-2013, 12:46 AM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can an ex-cheater be trusted?

I need to make this clear. We have not label ourselves as bf and gf but our actions would show that we are in some kind of relationship. Neither me nor her has asked to be exclusive with each other. I mean we are not kids but if we are going into a deeper relationship, I suppose we need to talk about this at some point.
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