Open letter to my wife
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-19-2013, 08:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Open letter to my wife

Edit: Rereading this I realize some of it is harsh. But if I start editing, I would never stop. I don't even know if I will have the courage to ask you to read this, but if I do please understand that I am writing from a place of anguish and my intent is not to hurt you but to try to begin healing us. I miss my wife.

What I feel, What I need

For the past week, I feel like I have been living from breath to breath, not knowing how much the next one will hurt. For the first time I am feeling angry, so this may not be the best time to write...but this is also the only time I've felt even marginally lucid.

I have been convinced of my being fully to blame for the situation, and that is wrong and unfair. YOU put yourself in those places. I feel telling me that "you weren't looking for it to happen" is a sad excuse, especially having been warned of the danger of where you were going and choosing to continue anyway. Regardless of what I may of done or failed to do before now, I did not deserve that. I have given you absolute, blind trust, even after you first gave me reason not to and you took advantage of that to continue down a path that you swore you weren't.

Every time I have tried to explain to you how devastated, lost and alone I am feeling right now, you start listing all the things you consider to be my failings go back for more than a decade as if to say that I deserve any amount of pain your actions may inflict. Or, you say that I am weak and that I need to "wrap my head around it and move on". That is cruel and unfair. Being shell shocked by the turn of events and your inability to provide any reasonable measure of reassurance does not make me weak. It makes me a man who is fully and hopelessly in love with his wife. I need to stop apologizing for being hurt and I want you to stop belittling that pain.



What I need
I have told you that I am committed to repairing our marriage and have been trying to show you that in little ways while beginning work on the larger things. You have told me that I "know what I need to do (money)" and then "maybe" things will be ok. You say that marriage is a partnership and then act as if all the blame for our problems rests on my shoulders and that it is my responsibility to fix our marriage...alone. Feeling this way, is it a wonder that I cant even tell which way is forward, much less move in that direction?

I need you to show me that YOU are committed to repairing our marriage to support my efforts to do the same. "Maybe in a few months if you have done this this and this I will think about it" is not a commitment, it's opting-out.

If you really are still committed, and believe that our marriage is the most valuable thing in the world next to our children I need your reassurance. Without it, I feel like I'm treading water in the dark. If that makes me weak, so be it.


Things I need to feel that commitment:

I need you to Touch me, let me touch you, allow me to do simple favors for you. You know I love you, and maybe those things don't fix any of our problems...but allowing me to express my affection in small ways reassures me that you WANT my love.

I need you to tell me the things you love about me and the things that you loved but I haven't done recently. I need to know you are committed to US, not just choosing the lesser uncomfortable living situation.

I need you to support me on my job search; not accuse, threaten or confront but listen and help when asked. Plan with me. When I had so many failures before, I did come home down each day, but talking to you each night always gave me the confidence to go back out and get my ass kicked again the next day. You used my employment as your nuclear ultimatum...supporting and helping my search shows me that you WANT me to be successful in fulfilling my commitments to US. Supporting your spouse does not make them a dependant any more than accepting their support makes you dependant.

I need you to talk to me. Talk about the library, talk about your warts...anything! I still cherish every day with you...even these recent ones. Talking reassures me that you WANT to share your life with me.

I need you to cut all non-essential contact with XXX, for real this time. You can't unring that bell and reset that relationship. As long as that relationship continues, no matter how much you think you can minimize or hide it, neither one of us will be able to move on to healing the damage and fixing our other problems. Twice you have promised to do this and at least twice broke that promise and then flat out lied to me. Which brings me to...

I need to trust you again. This means:

You need to earn back my trust. I need to know where you are/who you are with all the time. This does not mean me tracking your phone as you have suggested. Even if that were reliable, I don't see how that could possibly be trust forming for either of us. I means you need to commit to telling me where you are because you WANT me to know. Set alarms if you have to, until we can re-establish trust "you know I always just lose track of time" wont cut it. I also need you to be completely honest about everything that has happened/happens. Saying that you "shouldn't tell me something because I'll just get mad" isn't doing me any favors. It is just seeking to shield yourself from the repercussions of your actions, I have every right to be hurt and angry. Even if I don't know what it is, after 20 years I can tell when you are withholding something. No matter how ugly it is, the whole truth can't be more hurtful than leaving me to wonder what your are hiding/omitting.

I need to let you earn that trust, as hard, uncertain and frightening as that may be for me. This is why I have declined to put your phone into tracking mode and continue to only use it when I need to locate you for other reasons. As terrifying for me as it may be, given the circumstances, I believe the only way to learn that trust again is by risking trusting you. If I can't do that, I don't believe I will ever grow beyond this moment. During this process, I beg you to be extra vigilant in avoiding any action that might cause me doubts. Beyond childhood, I have never felt/allowed that kind of trust in someone else and I feel hollow without it.


I want to move away. You said to me "It's hard because, to me, Lewiston IS Mr XXX". If we are rebuilding our relationship, how do I get around that? How do YOU move beyond it? I know this may not be immediately practical, and I would not destroy our financial future for it, but I need to know that you are seriously looking to leave Lewiston behind given what you've said the town means to you. This is on top of my concerns for the children living here.

I need you to not tell me that he is an honorable man and that you still wish I could like him. While married, he actively pursued a relationship with a married woman with young children. There is no honor in that. Listening to conversations of his friends, associates, wife, it is clear that you aren't even his first. Please don't ever ask me to respect that.


I know all this sounds insecure; you have given me reason to be.

Whatever you ask of me, I will pursue to best of my abilities. Just need to know I'm not in this alone.

For more than 20 years I have loved you with all of my being. That love will continue long past the day I die, it is not in me to feel otherwise.
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Old 04-19-2013, 08:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Open letter to my wife

Please do not send this letter!

No offense, I'm trying to help but the tone of this letter is only okay (wonderful actually) for a committed and loving wife. However from your letter I can see that the affair is "on hold" at best and more likely "full bore" but underground.

You told her " I have told you that I am committed to repairing our marriage and have been trying to show you that in little ways while beginning work on the larger things." Big, BIG mistake IMHO.

Especially since you go on to imply that she still sees him, is not actually committed, and blames you for her deviousness. Rip this letter up please.

Work on yourself. Get a job. Exercise. Insist she drop the affair or leave. Case closed.
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Old 04-19-2013, 08:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Open letter to my wife

Don't send,

Also never accept a cheater having any contact ever in anyway with the person they cheated with. No contact. Nothing else is possible.
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Open letter to my wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Kermit View Post
Edit: Rereading this I realize some of it is harsh. But if I start editing, I would never stop. I don't even know if I will have the courage to ask you to read this, but if I do please understand that I am writing from a place of anguish and my intent is not to hurt you but to try to begin healing us.
Do not send this letter. Burn it. In reading your letter the word "harsh" never crossed my mind. The fact that you think that this is a "harsh" letter speaks volumes as to why she cheated. This letter will only make her feel empowered to continue cheating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Kermit View Post
I need you to cut all non-essential contact with XXX, for real this time. You can't unring that bell and reset that relationship. As long as that relationship continues, no matter how much you think you can minimize or hide it, neither one of us will be able to move on to healing the damage and fixing our other problems. Twice you have promised to do this and at least twice broke that promise and then flat out lied to me.
Wow, she still continues to see him. Talk about disrespecting you. Talk about there being no remorse. Talk about not expecting there to be any consequences for her cheating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Kermit View Post
I need you to not tell me that he is an honorable man and that you still wish I could like him.
That right there tells you just how little respect she has for you as a man. She wants you to like and respect the man that f*cked your wife because she views him as the Alpha male, and as such he had the right to take whatever he wants from you the Beta. It also tells you that she thinks that the affair was no big deal. At best the affair has taken a break, but it is not over.

Do not send the letter. Get a job instead. Until then she will not listen to anything that you say. She is kicking you while you are down without a job. I see this time and again. You can forget women's equality when it comes to a woman expecting a man to make at least as much money as them to be respected as a husband.

Last edited by TRy; 04-19-2013 at 09:14 PM.
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Old 04-19-2013, 10:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Open letter to my wife

Writing that letter? A good thing!
Sending that letter? Maybe not such a good thing!

I feel that couple's counselling might be an option.

You wife is deep in the fog, so is incapable of meaningful cognitive endeavours at this moment. So please don't expect too much of her for a while...
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Old 04-19-2013, 10:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Open letter to my wife

I hate to say this.... Grow some Balls and start claiming your woman
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Old 04-19-2013, 11:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Open letter to my wife

S-K, I'm going to have to agree with everybody else that you not sent this letter. Somethingelse said it right. You're coming across like your begging my man. She lost romantic interest in you because you're no challenge. I hope you don't think this kind of pleading is going to somehow change her mind. I've said before, it doesn't matter how much you need, love, want, how much time invested, etc. All that matter is how she feels about you.
While you're at it, change your user name from "Sad Kermit" to "LionHeart" an live up to name.

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Old 04-20-2013, 12:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Open letter to my wife

I'm sorry you are hurting, and in the situation you are in. It must be disorienting, to say the least.

Give yourself permission to be confused for a bit. And resist the temptation to chase her pleadingly. You are in an upside-down world, where the instincts you have may really really hurt you.

There is good advice on these boards, from dozens of folks who have walked in your shoes, or at least have seen many struggling in the same way.

The challenge for your mind is to be open to the possibility you may be tempted to do something that will backfire. When folks say "No, not that way!", stop, look, and listen. Because they've probably seen that train coming many times before.

For starters, research what this thing is the call "The 180" aroun here. DivorceBusting.com and the book of similar name might be good to read, and you will see that you are not the first told to be on guard against the pitfalls of sending the letter you just wrote, and dozens of other moves that might reduce your chances.

Take care. Vent here as required. Get your head on straight. And you'll move forward.
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Old 04-20-2013, 12:20 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Open letter to my wife

Needs much more "Harsh"
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Old 04-20-2013, 12:29 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Don't show her the letter, show her the door. She should be working her butt of to save the marriage. She needs to stop contact or leave, sounds to me like shes is still in the fog. You deserve better. Sorry to be so blunt.
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Old 04-20-2013, 12:34 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mablenc View Post
Don't show her the letter, show her the door. She should be working her butt of to save the marriage. She needs to stop contact or leave, sounds to me like shes is still in the fog. You deserve better. Sorry to be so blunt.
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Old 04-20-2013, 02:46 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I've got a better option for you...

First, reach down between your legs. Feel that sack there? Those are your balls. Don't ever give them up again.

The envelope that letter was in? Open it. Take out the letter and burn it. Insert divorce papers. Hand the envelope to her.

That's a very short and crude way of saying "man up". Do not spill your heart out to a woman that wants to use it to wipe her feet on, on her way back in the door from phucking another man. She will NEVER appreciate that. What she will appreciate is a man who has some balls, who has some self respect, will stand up for himself, and will cut those people out of his life who do not respect him.

Sounds risky. Sounds counter intuitive. I know. Do it anyway. And reap the benefits of being a man who stands up for himself and will not tolerate a woman who does not view him as the treasure he is.

Do not do that, and you'll keep sending her bullchit letters like this while she's out phucking someone who DOES respect themselves.

You send meaningful, heartfelt letters when she is behaving as the woman of your dreams, and treating you like the man of hers. Or to clear up an innocent misunderstanding. But certainly, never, when she's taking another dude's junk into her body or treating you like a doormat. Never dude....never.

Last edited by donny64; 04-20-2013 at 02:54 AM.
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Old 04-20-2013, 03:00 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Open letter to my wife

I did send a letter very like this when my wife asked for a divorce. I had no idea at the time but she was 12 months into a pa.

Guess how it worked out? Read my story below.
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Old 04-20-2013, 03:05 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by donny64 View Post
I've got a better option for you...

First, reach down between your legs. Feel that sack there? Those are your balls. Don't ever give them up again.

The envelope that letter was in? Open it. Take out the letter and burn it. Insert divorce papers. Hand the envelope to her.

That's a very short and crude way of saying "man up". Do not spill your heart out to a woman that wants to use it to wipe her feet on, on her way back in the door from phucking another man. She will NEVER appreciate that. What she will appreciate is a man who has some balls, who has some self respect, will stand up for himself, and will cut those people out of his life who do not respect him.

Sounds risky. Sounds counter intuitive. I know. Do it anyway. And reap the benefits of being a man who stands up for himself and will not tolerate a woman who does not view him as the treasure he is.

Do not do that, and you'll keep sending her bullchit letters like this while she's out phucking someone who DOES respect themselves.

You send meaningful, heartfelt letters when she is behaving as the woman of your dreams, and treating you like the man of hers. Or to clear up an innocent misunderstanding. But certainly, never, when she's taking another dude's junk into her body or treating you like a doormat. Never dude....never.
Bravo donny, Bravo...encore

OP...we are all being pretty harsh, but you need to take your kind spirit and move on with your life. Your W does not care about you, is ungrateful and pigheaded. Not worth YOUR time. As I have told many other posters...she is using and abusing you. A cake eater
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Old 04-20-2013, 04:51 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Bravo, get all the feelings out of your system..but do not send!!!

What it basically comes across as is I will do anything to get you back letter.. you shouldn't have to spell out every single thing that she has to do for you..that should be automatic.

She may know the very intimate side of you...men here telling you to grow some balls, such clichery.. be strong, be unwavering against all blame shifting and rug sweeping, your respect has been battered, she either honors it and does all she can to be worthy of you or she hits the road.
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