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My wife cheated, wants to reconcile, but won't have sex

166K views 230 replies 73 participants last post by  Marc878 
#1 ·
I discovered my wife's two year affair on January 2nd, and it continued until January 31st when I finally told her I would leave her unless she ended it. She begged me to stay, and did end the affair. She wrote a no contact letter, which I hand delivered to the other man (He was a mutual friend we have known for four years). We have been married 19 years and have three wonderful girls, ages 17, 14, & 12.

My wife and I have had several discussions since then about what she felt led to the affair, how we both feel about each other & our marriage, and that we both want to save our marriage. We both agree that our marriage has been very rocky for about three years. A lot of it rooted in financial stress. From my end, I used to think: "Once we can get our finances straightened out, things will get better". For her it was a lot more emotional. She felt as though I abandoned her, and even told me she had thought I didn't love her anymore.

I realize that she has rationalized her behavior to a great extent, but I also realized that she is correct as far as me not showing that I love her. We would sometimes have very heated arguments in which I would say the most hurtful things I could imagine. I am working to change that part of myself, and am getting better at consistently showing love, but it almost seems the damage is done.

One of the most hurtful things she has told me is that she no longer has any passion for me. None. She has also said that she has never experienced the level of passion with me that she has with the other man, and she said that has made her question whether we should stay married. She wants to be happy and fulfilled.

I, on the other hand, have always been very satisfied, always felt passion, and now am experiencing hypersexuality. She has asked me to be patient with her and give her space, so I have, but when we spoke a few days ago she admitted that her sexual desire is not improved. She still won't even kiss me.

I feel as though our roles are reversed, and that I should be the one that doesn't feel desire after what she has put me through. She agrees with this assessment, and has expressed her surprise that I would want to.

Any advice?
 
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#3 ·
...One of the most hurtful things she has told me is that she no longer has any passion for me. None. She has also said that she has never experienced the level of passion with me that she has with the other man, and she said that has made her question whether we should stay married. She wants to be happy and fulfilled.

...
Wow -
Apparently she isn't really being totally honest with you - you must admit.

If she felt passion with him - why isn't she with him? Is he married? Does he have children? My guess is that from the day you found out until the day she "ended it" she begged him to take her in and become a real couple. He probably refused because he just wanted sex.

Even now, she is remaining faithful to him by putting you off. She will do this for a few months while she tries to make him jealous. She's playing you in a disgusting way.

You asked for advice? Kick her out.
 
#4 ·
Ya my old lady said the same thing with regard to me no longer loving her and when she was screwing around. But once I confronted her and she saw how much i really cared we were all over each other.

It just doesn't;t make sence for her to say " I thought you didn't love me" then it goes to "no passion"...so which is it?

She screwed around cuz she was looking for a bandaid for a loveless marriage or she screwed around on you cuz she was looking for passion???

One or the other here, you would think...I mean if it was cuz she didn't think you loved her then now that you proved her wrong then that statement is pull crap.

From were I'm sitting she screwed around on you cuz she wanted to get laid by someone else and the only reason she still isn;t getting laid is it is in her best interest to stop and listen to you.

I'm calling it a marriage of convenience and phuck that!!!! Tell her your not her plan B .

I think when you first confronted her she ment to say " I don't love you" not "you didn't love me"
 
#6 ·
The last couple of replies seem to be right on.

She is just not into you any more and for all the many reason she stays in the M it has nothing to do with her husband, but her own self needs.

Sure it could be OM dumbed her and won't take her in. Maybe its all the trappings of a marriage. hell it could be her reputation is at stake at the country club, or even finacial reason.

One thing is for sure it looks like for what ever reason your old lady is not ready to bail....but IMHO once all the star aliegn and it works for her she will be gone lickity split.
 
#8 ·
I am almost 100% positive that she has had no contact with him. Courtesy of a keylogger on her computer and gps tracker on her car.

She says that she feels disgusting due to having sex with the other man (who is not married), and that she doesn't want to be with me again until she feels passionate about me.

I wouldn't be honest unless I admitted I have really drug her through the mud about the affair. I would go a few days without an outburst, then something would trigger my emotions. I have called her some pretty bad things....

I really am working to stop the love busters, and it's getting easier. I just wish that I could see some small improvements from her.
 
#28 ·
I am almost 100% positive that she has had no contact with him. Courtesy of a keylogger on her computer and gps tracker on her car.
As we found out recently, gps and keylogger don't mean 100% proof of anything.

Go read RDMU's long thread.

Cliff notes:
Sure the affair wasn't at his house.
No keylogger clues.
GPS showed no abnormal travel.
Thought he was overreacting.

Conclusion?
Hidden texting app.
His wife had an affair for at least a year and a half. A VAR helped, the GPS and keylogger did not. She traveled to the store, confirmed at least once, to pick up her AP.
 
#10 ·
If she's *so disgusted* with herself why did it take her a MONTH to break things off with him?

I think you are desperate to keep your family. Does she know you've placed a key logger on the pc? Does she know about the gps?

Place a Voice Activated Recorder strapped to the bottom of her car seat and secured with heavy duty velcro. DO NOT TELL her you've done this.

Does she work? My sense is that she's in love with the OM and will bide her time remaining chaste for him.
 
#11 ·
Yes, I did expose the affair. It was an easy choice after I found out that my oldest daughter figured it out almost one year before me. When my daughter told me, she was in tears and said that she hadn't known what to to..., she said she didn't want to make it worse... I was crushed for her. What a thing to learn about your mother.

My wife did answer almost all of my questions about the affair. She seems to be honest enough about everything at this point.
 
#15 ·
Yes,... It was an easy choice after I found out that my oldest daughter figured it out almost one year before me. When my daughter told me, she was in tears and said that she hadn't known what to to..., ...
hmmm, ^^^^this could be the reason your wife is staying. It's obvious she has no feelings for you and loves the OM (forget what she SAYS and pay attention to what she DOES).

She may well be playing the *martyr* to make her daughters happy. Just wait till they leave the roost. That's the longest she'll stay.

She won't even kiss you ---- she's disgusted alright, she may well be disgusted with herself for not having the courage to leave you.
 
#12 ·
well my opinion is your throwing good time after bad times!

she won't even kiss you.What is she doing to make things better? counselling?therapy? self help books? or just hiding the affair better until you calm down.

At the least you both need some mc.
 
#13 ·
Why would you even WANT to have sex with her, much less touch her

She has out and out told you, you are nothing to her anymore, if ever

The passion she feels for her lover, she once had with you---all those many years ago----now many years later, with real world problems working to destroy the mge, and with her false/phony justification, of her A.---and mainly, probably, with boredom, same old, same old---setting in---I am sure she has little or no passion left

It very well could have been re-kindled, had she had the guts to sit you down, and tell you what was bothering her---instead she gave herself to another man

The act of sex is the same, as far as basics-----the foreplay, and the attitude are what stir the brain/chemicals/emotions, and bring on the passion----unless physically he is superior to you in the tools needed to perform---passion is something in her mind

Remember she was living an exciting, role akin to being a spy or an operative, as she was planning and performing deceitful deeds---these all fit into the passion--

--him being better than you---I doubt it

Again tho---I would ask you---why would you even want to touch her---she has "dissed you" for at least 2 yrs---treated you like garbage, lied to you, and even now treats you with disdain, and more disrespect------isn't it time you gave her, her come--uppance, and treated her the way she deserves to be treated
 
#27 ·
Why would you even WANT to have sex with her, much less touch her

She has out and out told you, you are nothing to her anymore, if ever

The passion she feels for her lover, she once had with you---all those many years ago----now many years later, with real world problems working to destroy the mge, and with her false/phony justification, of her A.---and mainly, probably, with boredom, same old, same old---setting in---I am sure she has little or no passion left

It very well could have been re-kindled, had she had the guts to sit you down, and tell you what was bothering her---instead she gave herself to another man

The act of sex is the same, as far as basics-----the foreplay, and the attitude are what stir the brain/chemicals/emotions, and bring on the passion----unless physically he is superior to you in the tools needed to perform---passion is something in her mind

Remember she was living an exciting, role akin to being a spy or an operative, as she was planning and performing deceitful deeds---these all fit into the passion--

--him being better than you---I doubt it

Again tho---I would ask you---why would you even want to touch her---she has "dissed you" for at least 2 yrs---treated you like garbage, lied to you, and even now treats you with disdain, and more disrespect------isn't it time you gave her, her come--uppance, and treated her the way she deserves to be treated
Same reason I wanted to hold and cuddle my wife and make love with her after her affair. I loved her. Still do, too.:smthumbup:
 
#14 ·
So, she can only have sex with another man, not you ... her husband. I'm not sure what kind of reconciliation/marriage you have- sexless I guess, at least for you- not her. I'm not trying to be mean- just direct.

Aside from triggering and expressing your anger, what consequence has she faced?

I would also buy a VAR, very cheap and effective- There could be a burner phone, etc that you don't know about. You didn't know about the affair before, she could just have improved her skills at covering her tracks.

Ask her about a polygraph, judge her reaction- check around where they can be done and how much so you can sound like you've done your homework. You may be surprised at the remembrance of details or admission of continued affair activity.

I hope you get this fixed.

Good luck
wd
 
#16 ·
Mattmatt, How long did it take your wife? What were her reasons for not wanting sex?

It seems I may have described my wife and what she has said in such a way to make everyone think she is an absolute witch. She is not. She does feel remorseful, and has said so.
 
#18 ·
... She does feel remorseful, and has said so...
Harrison, I don't want to beat a dead horse. And no, I don't think she's a witch. I think she's dishonest. I think she's deceitful. But the bottom line is that you have to evaluate and reconcile what *she says* with *what she does*.

You had no clue that FOR MONTHS (years?) she was deceiving you.

Ask her if her remorse is for being caught.

Ask her if she regrets the affair.

Does she work? Does she occasion to see the OM for legitimate reasons?
 
#17 ·
Everything above is right on! I can't explain it (yes I know the clinical term) but if it wasn't for sex, my R would not even be possible. It's allowed me to show my wife just how sexy and attractive she really is to me (what she was trying to find in the OM) and allows me also to take back what is rightfully mine (that's not chauvinistic, I also belong to her). It has allowed her to show me she has really changed and that she finds me sexually attractive (since she pretty much ripped my self esteem to shreds!!!). It's allowed us to enjoy an intimacy that only sex well allow. My WW has gone way above and beyond in this and I truly believe that she HAS changed and does find me sexually attractive still. And from the way she acts, she really believes that I find her attractive as well. I don't think I'd still be here if she would have cut me off. She used sex as a weapon against me with the A, I'll be danged if she uses against me now. She knows this and hasn't.
To me something just ain't right with your situation.
 
#20 ·
Are you going to hang around until she decides on some other guy to feel passion for? You're shorting changing yourself and passing along a horrible example for your children who have taken their lesson from their mother or they would have informed you of her actions.

Two years of giving someone else the feeling she should have given you. How much longer do you anticipate waiting?

Whatever you've been doing for the last four months hasn't worked for you. Time to take a different approach.

Good luck,

Seasalt
 
#34 ·
Again another variable as to why WW choose a passionless marriage over a passion filled OM....I think her A plan fell apart one way or another, but with some recon a colvert op will yield to exactly what you a dealing with.

Once you get some real facts you can stop relying on the words from a women that you would have never thought in a million years would do this to you.

I think you owe it to your self to stop getting decieved with all this " I thought you didn't love me" or " the passion isn't there"...next it will be "I'm a sex addict and need help and sleeping with will just confuse me"....

Her line of bull crap could go on and on so I comment you on doing one of the hardest things one has to do , and that is verifing the person you love.

I am so sorry you are here and have to do these things to protect your self. Its a shame that the women you love has to now protect you physicaly by not having sex until a STD test to come back, if this is in fact the case.
 
#30 ·
A 2 year betrayal is unbelievable. It shows just how little she thinks of you.

As to the no sex routine, my wife did the exact same thing. It turns out it was because she was still in love with her lover. I found crumpled up love letters in the back of the fireplace. Then she started another betrayal.

Sad to say, but I strongly believe you have lost her forever. You can hang on until the bitter end or just end it now.
 
#33 ·
:iagree:

My ex had a two year EA/PA with a former BF and completely checked out of the marriage.

She not only abandoned me but also her two children and beloved pets.

Your wife is NOT coming back.

Think of the most repulsive woman that you know and try to imagine making love to her. This is the same repulsion that your wife now feels for you.

Take your power back and send her packing,.
 
#31 ·
I understand why she might feel disconnected.

That being said, I am not impressed with her. She said things which were pretty damned hurtful and if that was the tone she took, was almost purposeful.

And frankly, I could give a flying fvck if she 'feels passion' for you. She neglected your needs for two years and now she can't throw you a bone? Really?

I don't think she's in contact with him. I think she still has him on a little alter in her heart and hasn't been able to let him go.

As long as that state of affairs remains, she will not reconnect with you. And that relationship will always be unfair to you because it didn't suffer from dogs throwing up on the carpet, budgetary problems, and that nasty thing you said fifteen years ago.

They have been constantly dating for two years and on their best behavior.

One way to fix this is to have her tell you EVERYTHING. What music they listened to. Where they screwed. Where they had dinner. What hotels they used.

An outsider seeing how tawdry and cheap this was removes the pink lights from the relationship. He becomes a man who could barely spring for a Motel 6, not Lance Studly, Charming Rouge.
 
#32 ·
I am sorry---but I don't agree in this---why is everyone so worried whether he gets sex or not

Why does he even WANT sex from a woman, who was his so-called wife---who gave herself to another man, and basically has told her H, to go to he*l---I have no respect for you, and I don't want to share one of the basic parts of mge with you---that being the physical satisfaction

Why not just say "screw you" right back to her---I wouldn't touch you with a 10 foot pole, cuz basically you are filthy due to your lover touching you all over, and being inside of you

One who thinks of nothing but following his own wife's, lover, sex wise----can NOT HAVE ANY SELF RESPECT----sorry that some will disagree with me---but it is just the way I feel about it
 
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#35 ·
harrison,

There are 2 books that can be of great help to you: "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs". They are both by Dr. Harley. Read them in that order. Ask your wife to read them as well. Then do the things the books suggest.

When a person feels out of love with their spouse they forget the passion that once existed. It's a trick the human mind seems to play. Once the passion is re-ignited the memory of the love and passion returns. The love and passion can be restored.
 
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