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My wife cheated, wants to reconcile, but won't have sex

166K views 230 replies 73 participants last post by  Marc878 
#1 ·
I discovered my wife's two year affair on January 2nd, and it continued until January 31st when I finally told her I would leave her unless she ended it. She begged me to stay, and did end the affair. She wrote a no contact letter, which I hand delivered to the other man (He was a mutual friend we have known for four years). We have been married 19 years and have three wonderful girls, ages 17, 14, & 12.

My wife and I have had several discussions since then about what she felt led to the affair, how we both feel about each other & our marriage, and that we both want to save our marriage. We both agree that our marriage has been very rocky for about three years. A lot of it rooted in financial stress. From my end, I used to think: "Once we can get our finances straightened out, things will get better". For her it was a lot more emotional. She felt as though I abandoned her, and even told me she had thought I didn't love her anymore.

I realize that she has rationalized her behavior to a great extent, but I also realized that she is correct as far as me not showing that I love her. We would sometimes have very heated arguments in which I would say the most hurtful things I could imagine. I am working to change that part of myself, and am getting better at consistently showing love, but it almost seems the damage is done.

One of the most hurtful things she has told me is that she no longer has any passion for me. None. She has also said that she has never experienced the level of passion with me that she has with the other man, and she said that has made her question whether we should stay married. She wants to be happy and fulfilled.

I, on the other hand, have always been very satisfied, always felt passion, and now am experiencing hypersexuality. She has asked me to be patient with her and give her space, so I have, but when we spoke a few days ago she admitted that her sexual desire is not improved. She still won't even kiss me.

I feel as though our roles are reversed, and that I should be the one that doesn't feel desire after what she has put me through. She agrees with this assessment, and has expressed her surprise that I would want to.

Any advice?
 
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#38 ·
Remorse can be said, but you should also see it.
So far, doesn't sound like she is showing it, but is saying she feels it.

I would suggest start pulling the 180. If she won't respond to what you are doing right now, then you change it up.

Also, if she isn't feeling passion for you, I have a feeling she didn't want the affair to end. It ended because the dream died. Not because she wanted to.

My XW ended her affair, because she eventually got out of the fog. And she wanted to make it up to me.
Your wife lost her dream, and wants her fall back plan. I think she feels bad she hurt you, but I don't think she cares enough to love you like a wife. She loves you, just not the way you love her back.

Take time to figure out what you want. Divorce isn't a fix-all solution. But filing might wake her up and force her to realize you won't wait for her to fall back in love when you weren't the one to stray.
But figure out if you really want to reconcile, or if you want to leave. Because you are not that far off DDay.

Also, just because you called her some nasty names, is not a good reason for her to lose the passion. I called my XW everything you can think of, and probably a few new ones. And she was wanting me every night in bed regardless.

I almost wonder...
IS your wife trying to rugsweep the affair entirely?
 
#42 · (Edited)
Harrison:

Let me just reiterate a few negatives, vis a vis your wife, and the situation you are in as of now, from the viewpoint of a person looking from outside-in:

You discovered her affair on Jan 2, and she ‘ended’ it only on Jan 31, when you threatened to leave. Till you threatened to leave, she continued the affair right under your nose, and not very covertly, right?

For not stopping the affair when you discovered it / for not at least pretending to stop in order to salvage your hurt a little / to show you at least SOME respect as her spouse, as Wife – D-Minus.


How do you visualize her thought process during those 29 days?

Experimenting the possibility of an alternate life with him?

Examining whether you could be slowly driven into accepting the life of a cuckold?

Desperately grasping whatever passion and sex she could gather, while it lasted?




Now, add on the fact that she continued the affair after learning that she was outed by her own daughter (so I presume).

For not feeling ashamed enough to pretend to put the affair on hold until her daughter’s shame / the home front is somewhat assuaged, as Mother --D-Minus.




She has told you that she feels NO passion for you, and that she has never felt for you the kind of passion she has felt for the Other Man. Usually, when the affair is discovered, the Wayward Wife tries to (lie) to the husband that it’s not him, she still loves him, finds him hot, the OM was not all that good in bed, the OM was less endowed and no comparison to the husband, etc. But not your wife. AND she has barred sex (with you), until she feels like it.

For not feeling grateful that her spouse still wants her sexually after she freelanced it outside for 2 years, and for not trying to respond to his sexual needs at least as an amelioratory gesture, even if she does not feel like it now, as a Woman – D-Minus.


But these are quick, simplistic, superfluous, unilaterally judgemental bits from someone looking in from outside, on the basis of a post. As the person living inside, you can evaluate the positives in her / in continuing with her, and permute. (Factoring in YOUR negatives too. But you seem to be well-aware of them).

And if she has checked out of the marriage emotionally, none of this is relevant. To court her back into a love bond now will be more difficult than courting her the first time (the first time around, YOU also had the new-car charm the OM has over her now).
Possible, but difficult.


Note:

Your marriage has been ‘very rocky’ for the last three years, you said. During those three years, you and she have had many fights / arguments, and you have said many hurtful things to her.

Now, if we permute in the fact that she has been in an affair for 2 of those 3 bad years, how much would that factor have affected / altered her demeanour, body language and articulation, and triggered bad reactions from you?

Try replaying some of those arguments, and see whether she WAS baiting you a lot. A Wayward Wife would want to convince herself periodically that the main reason why she is cheating on her husband is that he is not treating her right.

Often, she would not ALLOW the husband to treat her nice if/when he tries, to sustain that rationalization, and to not feel like a bad person.

So, you may be giving somewhat undue weightage to your own bad behavior, in all these.

On the other hand, if that indeed was the case (that you made her feel unloved for long), showing it NOW might make her think “WHY NOW, after I have turned myself into cheater, and shamed myself in front of my daughter?”

You will show her your love, and she will start having sex, and the old song will be played again… …unfortunately, it won’t work that way. You have just stepped on the tail of a hidden dragon. Be ready for lot more drama.
 
#44 ·
I discovered my wife's two year affair on January 2nd, and it continued until January 31st when I finally told her I would leave her unless she ended it.
Wow, she continued the affair for weeks after you caught her. Talk about cold blooded disrespect for you and your marriage.

He was a mutual friend we have known for four years.
We both agree that our marriage has been very rocky for about three years.
She meets him 4 years ago, starts picking fights with you 3 years ago, and starts cheating on you at least 2 years ago. It should be obvious that her feelings for the other man are why you two started having problems. I also bet that the fights and the cheating are actually closer together than you think, meaning fights less than 3 years and cheating more than 2 years.

One of the most hurtful things she has told me is that she no longer has any passion for me. None. She has also said that she has never experienced the level of passion with me that she has with the other man, and she said that has made her question whether we should stay married. She wants to be happy and fulfilled.
She is in love with him and not you, and will not so much as kiss you because that would be cheating on the other man.

If she is not still cheating with him now, she will soon be. She will not give him up because “She wants to be happy and fulfilled”. Your marriage is over. She is just sticking around for the children and so that when she does leave you she can claim that it had nothing to do with the other man. Sorry that you are here.
 
#46 ·
Whatever her reasons, the fact that she "is passionate" with this other guy that she has had an affair with and "doesn't feel any passion" for you even though she feels a lot of remorse tells me that she left your marriage completely.

This is adding hurt on top of hurt in one of the worst ways you can. It's another version of the ILYBINILWY crap. If that's the way she feels, then it's been over for a long time, and waiting for her to come around will rob you of any shred of self-worth you have left.

She doesn't want to return unless she feels the passion again. It's time for you to take control of the situation. Don't let her stay separated so she can figure it all out (and probably stay in contact with the OM). She's ignoring your feelings again.

Tell her it's over and that you're filing for divorce. Serve her papers, and let her start to think about the reality of a future without you. You can always change your mind down the road
 
#47 ·
As a Wayward, I can tell you that the spouse does disconnect. Even three months later as a male, I was not exactly excited to have sex with the wife.

That being said, it CAN come back. But she has to want it back.

Which leads to totally contradictory insights: does he want her to stay just for his paycheck if he shocks and awes her with a divorce decree?

She can fake the passion and how do you trust her?

It's a sorry situation, but it can't be helped.
 
#49 ·
I would do a 180 with her. I know she is (sort of) remorseful, but she doesn't want you because you are there. She HAS you.

So mentally DON'T BE THERE.

I started going to the gym regularly recently.

First this excited my wife's interest. Second SHE felt frumpy and undesirable and started initiating and working out herself.

Try that. It will have benefits for you no matter what happens. She knows the old you. Make a new you...one she doesn't automatically have access to.
 
#50 ·
One of the most hurtful things she has told me is that she no longer has any passion for me. None. She has also said that she has never experienced the level of passion with me that she has with the other man, and she said that has made her question whether we should stay married. She wants to be happy and fulfilled.

I, on the other hand, have always been very satisfied, always felt passion, and now am experiencing hypersexuality.

Any advice?
She has never experienced that level of passion with you, because she has never had an affair WITH YOU. Affair sex is based on the fantasy of doing something illicit and forbidden.

The hypersexuality you are feeling is called hysterical bonding is is very common when a spouse finds out about an A.

There is never an excuse for an A. While you & your wife share a 50/50 responsibility for the marriage and its issues,
You WW is 100% at fault for the A. You need to understand this fact. You WW is 100% at fault for the A.

Also remember this : Your WW has been cheating on YOUR CHILDREN for 2 years also !
 
#52 ·
I do agree with the many assessments here that my wife completely disrespected, abused, and trashed me as a husband. I also agree that she did check out of the marriage; she told me so. It was obviously how she justified doing what she did. I have had many thoughts back to those arguments we've had, and again, I agree that I was baited. Some of them were over such trivial things and she just wouldn't stop until I was so completely frustrated I would blow.

She does admit that she was very wrong, and is ashamed of the affair. She is ashamed that she didn't end it when I first discovered it. She does show remorse, just not with physical affection.

I will do the 180, continue to watch her very closely, and see what happens. I love her. So, despite what she has done to me, I do not want to end my marriage, but as I have told her already, she gets no more chances.

So, while I do respect all of your opinions, I do not want to divorce at this point. I have heard from a couple of you that I should be patient about the sex, and I have been (mostly).

I have read on marriagebuilders that for women it takes about six months to regain desire for the husband after her affair is over. I would be very interested to hear from women on this subject. I realize that my wife could still do it with me regardless of passion. In fact, during the heat of an argument about it she told me she would, but she also made it clear that she would not mentally be there. In light of that, I decided to wait.

So let me be clear: I am waiting for her to WANT to have sex. Not just to lie there and let me take it.
 
#55 ·
a 2 year affair and they had sex 4 times ? Would it matter to you if you find out that they had sex (a number much larger than 4) times ?

What at this point is a deal breaker for you ? What are you willing to put up with ?

She stopped her affair once you were ready to move on without her. It wasn't a coincidence.

You are willing to reconcile on her terms, at her pace and now you are waiting for her to initiate physical intimacy. It is not a coincidence either.


If nothing, read the threads over here. You will notice some patterns.
 
#56 ·
Why did the affair continue for a month after you discovered it?

Most importantly are you sure now it's over? Has she broken off all contact with the OM. Are you monitoring her for now.

If you don't want to divorce her, that's fine - your call, of course, but to have any hope of getting past this, you need to be sure that the affair is over.
 
#57 ·
How did the affair happen? How did they meet, what exactly caused it to happen?

Did she go out with friends? Was it after work? Was it during lunch time? Is it a co-worker?

It would help to elaborate a bit more of how these things ocurred in the first place. There is no reason for a spouse to cheat, even if they are being neglected. Divorce should be the last option, and cheating should be none of them.

In this situation I would not reconcile, but I would never reconcile with a cheater. That is just how I am built. I would just have joint custody of our two girls. I rather not live in misery.

I give alot of respect to the guys that do reconcile, but it really boils down to who you are.
 
#59 ·
harison,

Your wife is saying she is extremely remorseful and you're taking her at her word. As many will tell you, words are cheap. It's actions that count and she seems to be coming up short on that

As an outsider looking in, I can only guess that she wants to R not because she loves YOU but she loves the lifestyle you provide for her. She isn't having sex with you because she's saving herself for her OM and doesn't want to cheat on him by being with her husband.

I would let her know that the only way to move forward would be for her to take a polygraph so that you can be reassured that there is no contact and that she actually wants to be with you.

Sorry but I also agree that if this was going on for 2 years, they sure as heck have had sex more than 4 times. No man is going to take the type of risks involved with a married woman if he isn't getting laid. Ask that in the poly too!

She's telling you only what she thinks she has to (trickle truth). She'll later tell you that she only told you half truths to spare you.

Look deeper. As others have said, keylogger on the PC, VAR in the car, GPS the car too.

Sorry but I would be shocked if this iceberg wasn't alot larger than what you're seeing on the surface
 
#60 ·
One other thing Harrison. Affair sex is almost always more passionate than married sex. Affairs are by their very nature fantasy. The illicit naughty sex in an affair usually allows the person to act out of character and releases any inhibitions that they might normally have. She could do all those nasty things that she would never do when in her normal role as wife and mother. What you have to realize is that she will never feel that level of passion for anyone in a real relationship ever. There were no children, no finances, no household chores, no responsibilities. All of those things that are present in real life are still always in the back of your mind even during sex. Add the fact that they only ever showed each other their best sides and of course there was mega passion. She never got to hear him fart and burp and throw up when he was sick. He never got to see her sitting on the toilet, changing a tampon, or experience that lovely morning breath and bed head that you get every day. She was Angelina Jolie and he was Brad Pitt, the actor and actress not the real life version. If she's clinging to that than she's dumber than dumb because it was a dream and nothing more. Time for her to wake up.
 
#64 ·
I totally agree. She needs a wakeup call asap.

Harrison there is so much advice that you could be receiving to help you with this situation. Relationship advice, sexual advice, etc. But the most important advice for you at this stage is to take a stand. Even if you don't want to file for divorce at the moment you should at least acknowledge that it is a definite course of action that you WILL follow at some point. I find it interesting that she says she fell into an affair because of your inattentiveness and now she is in essence refusing your attention. I don't see her as remorseful at all. I see her as having wistful feelings for her lover and her affair. She isn't sorry she had an affair. She is sorry she got caught and is now embarrassed.
 
#62 ·
Two yr Affair, Only four times they had sex and OP is buying this.

OP is in thick BS fog and he is not realizing through what he is being dragged by his wife and OM. I think the A is still running underground or may have halted for a while for OP to cool down.

He may realise one day but it may be too late.........

OP she is not remorseful, she is regretful for getting caught dont misinterept this as remorse. If she was remorseful and needed you she might have been doing anything you ask for, including sex.

I know you love her but she is not in love with you. You have been in a one sided open marriage for two yrs and you are still in that.

Kick her out, Get tested for STDs, Expose to all, File for Divorce. let she find the passion for you and chase you for Reconciliation.
 
#63 ·
When my son was in middle school his science teacher gave him a taped up shoebox. In the box were several items. His task was to determine the number of item that were in the box and to try to establish their identity without breaking the seal. It was an exercise in observational skills.

You need to sharpen those skills. At the moment you're taking her word as to what is/was in the box without paying attention. It doesn't take much to tell if there are 4 bbs or dozens. You seem ready to accept that the rattle of dozens is actually made by 4 because she said so.

There's lots more in that shoebox. But if you want to know what's in there, you're going to have to rattle it. And rattle it lots of times. Sometimes rapidly, sometimes slowly. Don't jump to conclusions without a thorough examination - I think that's all we're recommending.
 
#69 ·
Think about how illogical all of this is.
1. She claims they only had sex 4 times during her 2 year affair. It is embarrassing that she thinks you are such an idiot.
2. She refuses to have sex with you now but had no problem having sex with you while she was continuing to have sex with the OM. Clearly she did not have a problem but not she wants to punish you.
4. She continued to have sex with the OM after she was caught.
5. You both need to get tested for STD's.
6. You have given her total control over the marriage and there has been no consequences to her actions.

My friend you are doing everything wrong. She continues to emotionally abuse you and you allow it. If the roles were reversed would she be acting like you? If you do not respect yourself then who will? Your fear will destroy everything you want.

Your wife looks at you as a husband who can accept a two year sexual affair behind his back and not enforce any consequences. She continued to screw the other man after she was caught. Now instead of thanking you for not kicking her out she has now withheld any sex for you for over six months. She is punishing you for her sexual affair. What is wrong with this picture?
 
#70 ·
If she won't give it up take it. I don't mean rape but be forceful. Don't ask for it just start taking off her clothes and don't stop. IF she says I don't want to say I don't care. Be dominant but if she starts fighting like a banshee then yes stop. But a lot of times no means try harder. Trap her against the wall and undress her. Don't let her know you are doing it. Don't ask her. Don't beg. Don't slow down.
 
#73 ·
Yeah..dump the biyatch!

SERIOUSLY!!!???!!!

There are certain behaviors that a WS can exhibit to show you that they TRULY have realized what they did was wrong, and truly do love the BS. Those are the times I can support R.

THIS?!?! Isn't one of them. Why do you want to be with a woman who feels nothing for you? Divorce her and get a woman who has passion for you. I know it's scary. It's REALLY scary to be alone....but that isn't a reason to remain married to a woman who wants you to be her gay roommate.
 
#229 ·
Yeah..dump the biyatch!

SERIOUSLY!!!???!!!

There are certain behaviors that a WS can exhibit to show you that they TRULY have realized what they did was wrong, and truly do love the BS. Those are the times I can support R.

THIS?!?! Isn't one of them. Why do you want to be with a woman who feels nothing for you? Divorce her and get a woman who has passion for you. I know it's scary. It's REALLY scary to be alone....but that isn't a reason to remain married to a woman who wants you to be her gay roommate.
In retrospect, this comment might have alienated Harrison. It is not respectful. There were also comments calling on him to take her forcefully. It could have been almost rape. Of course the posters did not mean that he should be violent, but it was risky advice that might have backfired.
 
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