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My wife cheated, wants to reconcile, but won't have sex

166K views 230 replies 73 participants last post by  Marc878 
#1 ·
I discovered my wife's two year affair on January 2nd, and it continued until January 31st when I finally told her I would leave her unless she ended it. She begged me to stay, and did end the affair. She wrote a no contact letter, which I hand delivered to the other man (He was a mutual friend we have known for four years). We have been married 19 years and have three wonderful girls, ages 17, 14, & 12.

My wife and I have had several discussions since then about what she felt led to the affair, how we both feel about each other & our marriage, and that we both want to save our marriage. We both agree that our marriage has been very rocky for about three years. A lot of it rooted in financial stress. From my end, I used to think: "Once we can get our finances straightened out, things will get better". For her it was a lot more emotional. She felt as though I abandoned her, and even told me she had thought I didn't love her anymore.

I realize that she has rationalized her behavior to a great extent, but I also realized that she is correct as far as me not showing that I love her. We would sometimes have very heated arguments in which I would say the most hurtful things I could imagine. I am working to change that part of myself, and am getting better at consistently showing love, but it almost seems the damage is done.

One of the most hurtful things she has told me is that she no longer has any passion for me. None. She has also said that she has never experienced the level of passion with me that she has with the other man, and she said that has made her question whether we should stay married. She wants to be happy and fulfilled.

I, on the other hand, have always been very satisfied, always felt passion, and now am experiencing hypersexuality. She has asked me to be patient with her and give her space, so I have, but when we spoke a few days ago she admitted that her sexual desire is not improved. She still won't even kiss me.

I feel as though our roles are reversed, and that I should be the one that doesn't feel desire after what she has put me through. She agrees with this assessment, and has expressed her surprise that I would want to.

Any advice?
 
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#78 ·
Okay. If you can't give advice on how he moves forward with an R, ya need to be quiet. He made his choice. It's his call. You are NOT helping and may drive him away.

I read a book about female infidelity. It was anonymous self reported anecdotal data from waywards to a columnist so the need to lie was minimal.

I recall several women reported that their episode were very wiely spaced. If you check RDMU on the private thread, his wife only cheated once a month or so.

So it might be possible. Consider for a moment the logistics. She has to work around HER job, HIS job, three non blind teenaged daughters, hubby's job, the OMW's schedule, AND all the associated teen activities they have. This ignores how they are getting privacy or affording their little hotel trysts.

So while I think it likely to be a larger number, I won't be surprised if its smaller then one would think.

More later
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#79 ·
If he wants a roommate, sure why not try R. I bet the affair is still going on. I don't know how you can get over that his wife said she had way more passion with the OM than ever with his husband. Can you possibly humilate your spouse more than this.
 
#80 ·
Without reading any other comments I will share that I also heard those words from the X who cheated on me throughout our 19 year marriage and finally left me for OM.

Like you, I sustained my passion for my X wife, and wanted her more when she rejected me. I think your hyper-desire is instinctual need to "take back" and prove yourself to your woman. Is it really HER you want, or is it the dynamic that is fueling the hyper-passion?

You may be setting yourself up for a lot of pain by pursing a reconciliation. Unfortuneately in your dynamic you may have to pull FAR BACK before she may pull towards you, so this burning desire must be tamed within you or you will drive her away and drive yourself crazy, simulataneously.

Learn to controll yourself and LIE. Tell her you feel the same: you have no passion for her. Kill it inside you before it kills you, and think about seeing another woman, and moving on. This may bring her back, but at that point you may realize you do not want her.
 
#88 ·
Harrison my heart aches for you.

The amount of disrespect and dishonesty your wife is dispalying is criminal. You do know they used to stone women to death for this kind of behavior?

No, I don't think she should be stoned to death, but I do think you need to start divorce proceedings.

She has humiliated you in every possible way that a wife can humiliate her husband, and yet you stay with her. I really don't understand this. And not only that, she has set a horrible example for your daughter.

For your daughter's sake, divorce this pathetioc woman and show your daughter that her father has enough self value not to let his wayward wife walk all over him.
 
#92 ·
Here is my opinion: For two years, she had an EA with a side of sex with this guy (OP, check the text and email records) Wasn't often but it happened.

As she got deeper into the fantasy, she started to cut off the husband for the last six months. She saw a 'happily ever after' down the road. (it was right past the unicorn and next to Santa's Workshop).

Now she doesn't have that. OM isn't there for whatever reason (OP, you should elucidate why this is the case) She is in withdrawal...AND a scarlet woman AND her kids hate her AND her husband hates her AND her friends hate her.

Yeah...I'm sure her panties are just SOAKING.
 
#93 ·
Now she doesn't have that. OM isn't there for whatever reason (OP, you should elucidate why this is the case) She is in withdrawal...AND a scarlet woman AND her kids hate her AND her husband hates her AND her friends hate her.
Yeah...I'm sure her panties are just SOAKING.
And yet! And yet....

She continues to call the shots. She continues to pressure him into continuing with this farce of a marriage on HER terms!

Pride. Pride and arrogance. It is absolutely astonishing.
 
#99 ·
Is she doesn't accept it, even with the caveats that it is reversible, then he has his answer.
 
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#101 ·
Well, I triggered today at work, so came home rather than go ballistic there.
Then come home and read through this. So if this comes off as rude, I don't care.

Harrison, I am going to compare your wife to my XW, and I think you'll see what is wrong here.

My XW did TT me. Not as much as others have, but she did.
But she wanted sex. I didn't. She was the one begging for it. She was the one putting the effort into getting it. Because it was her fault that the marriage was on the rocks.
I also asked her how many times they had sex. She gave me the best answer at the time, which was, she couldn't remember. Later I did get an accurate estimate. But she didn't give me a crap answer.
Now, only way your wife had sex with the OM 4x is he either had severe ED issues, or he lives 4000 miles

Also, she was the affectionate one. She was the lusting one. She was the aggressive one.

Because she was the one who shot the marriage and put it on life support. And our future depended entirely on her ability to keep my love for her strong enough to outweigh my rage over what she did.
And she did her research. Found out what my love language was, and I did fall back for her. The reason it failed is another story, but it failed.

Now, I was deadset on divorce. And she realized it was HER job to fix this. Not mine, HERS.
Your wife needs to figure this out also. She shot you and your marriage. Now, she is wanting you to allow some natural healing before she invests herself fully to try and make it work.

Sounds more like your wife is waiting to either:
Start her affair again, or
See if you CAN forgive her, then maybe she'll warm up to you.

Continue with the 180.
And think about it: File for divorce. I did it.
I also called it off several times. I could've been divorced by August or September, I don't remember which. I didn't actually divorce until December.
Filing might be the final wakeup call she needs, to realize, this problem is her fault, and that unless she takes steps to try and help you heal and show she plans to change, you won't stay around waiting for her to finally choose to be your wife again.
 
#103 ·
Get Married Mans Sex Life by Kay Athol

Read it ASAP

Then begin the MAP

At the same time have a hard close look at your wife and ask with new eyes is she worthy of you and your effort.

I don't think she has ended the affair. She may be not in contact or maybe she is. Either way she isn't choosing to return to you as a wife she's holding out wanting you to leave her sllone physically so she doesn't betray her AP
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#104 · (Edited)
She may be not in contact or maybe she is. Either way she isn't choosing to return to you as a wife she's holding out wanting you to leave her sllone physically so she doesn't betray her AP
Posted via Mobile Device
That is the nice thing about motives: hard to guess but easy to project.

Maybe she's saving herself for the OM. Maybe she feels like garbage. Maybe she's in clinical depression over the loss of her lover and reputation.

Maybe it's all of them mixed up. I doubt she knows. How can we? WE can guess...and project.

I am not saying you are wrong...but we can't KNOW.
 
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#108 ·
I don't think she is preserving anything for anyone. I think she liked her affair. She liked her lover, she liked the exciting sex, and she wishes it was still active. Will she try to start up again? If she doesn't start seeing her affair for what it truly was then yes, she will cheat again. If not with this man than with another. She'll forever chase the false passion that she still craves. She needs a wakeup call in the worst way. What that entails is up for debate but it's clear that waiting it out is not going to work. All that will do is pass the time until her desires become too strong to ignore.
 
#110 · (Edited)
Maybe she is avoiding incest – you are now like her brother / father.

Maybe she is taking passive aggressive revenge on you – for spoiling her thing with the OM. When she was having duty sex with you, there was a reward – sex with OM. Now, you have taken the reward away. So, not even duty sex. You stopped him from having it. Well, you don’t get it either. If she is allowed to eat cake, you get some crumbs. If not, not.

Maybe she is baiting the OM with a higher degree of commitment – being ‘more’ faithful to him than when their affair was a secret. Maybe during those three weeks post D-Day, when she continued the affair, she tried her best to convince the OM to step up, so that she can make the switch. He didn’t, so she stepped up her level of commitment to him, by being faithful to him, sexually excluding the husband.

Maybe she is really waiting for her passion for you to wake up. Or maybe she is waiting for the OM to wake up. And make a move.

Maybe she is just not ready. Maybe her sexual mucus is frozen with shame.


Maybe she was telling you the truth – it was 4 times – but just forgot a qualifier – 4 times (- a month / a week / per tryst). Maybe the count refers to what YOU will get, if she deigns eventually – 4 times in the coming two years (just as she says THEY had).

Maybe she will have sex with you one day, readily, and you will feel as though an extraordinary honour has been bestowed upon you. Or maybe by then you wouldn’t care. Or maybe when that phase is over, you will get angry and walk.

Maybe.


If one looks at the Big Picture of your life, this is all so pathetic.


You have put your life in suspended animation -- your thoughts, energy, ethos, emotions – all are now locked into sorting out her sexual mysteries. Every woman has a vagina, Sir. Your wife has nothing unique. And you should not be standing in a limbo queue in front of it.

There are aspects in all of us that we must respect. And there are aspects that we must deride. Don’t respect what we must deride. And vice versa.

You are much more than you are giving yourself credit for. With this – waiting for her to perhaps one day rebuild some passion for you and all that, you are insulting yourself.

Don’t wait. If she does feel something for you again, great. If she one day yearns to have sex with you again, great. But let HER cue you in on that.

You don’t wait. More importantly, don’t let her see that you are waiting.

Whether she rebuilds her passion for you or not, you rebuild your physical appearance, self-image and public persona. See what that brings you.

If that brings you the detachment to divorce, be fine with it. If that brings you the confidence to forgive her without diminishing yourself and reconcile, so be it.

But put yourself first. Please.

She is not the centre of your universe. YOU are.
 
#121 ·
Maybe she is avoiding incest – you are now like her brother / father.

Maybe she is taking passive aggressive revenge on you
– for spoiling her thing with the OM. When she was having duty sex with you, there was a reward – sex with OM. Now, you have taken the reward away. So, not even duty sex. You stopped him from having it. Well, you don’t get it either. If she is allowed to eat cake, you get some crumbs. If not, not.

Maybe she is baiting the OM with a higher degree of commitment
– being ‘more’ faithful to him than when their affair was a secret. Maybe during those three weeks post D-Day, when she continued the affair, she tried her best to convince the OM to step up, so that she can make the switch. He didn’t, so she stepped up her level of commitment to him, by being faithful to him, sexually excluding the husband.

Maybe she is really waiting for her passion for you to wake up. Or maybe she is waiting for the OM to wake up. And make a move.

Maybe she is just not ready. Maybe her sexual mucus is frozen with shame.


Maybe
she was telling you the truth – it was 4 times – but just forgot a qualifier – 4 times (- a month / a week / per tryst). Maybe the count refers to what YOU will get, if she deigns eventually – 4 times in the coming two years (just as she says THEY had).

Maybe
she will have sex with you one day, readily, and you will feel as though an extraordinary honour has been bestowed upon you. Or maybe by then you wouldn’t care. Or maybe when that phase is over, you will get angry and walk.

Maybe.


If one looks at the Big Picture of your life, this is all so pathetic.

You have put your life in suspended animation -- your thoughts, energy, ethos, emotions – all are now locked into sorting out her sexual mysteries. Every woman has a vagina, Sir. Your wife has nothing unique. And you should not be standing in a limbo queue in front of it.


There are aspects in all of us that we must respect. And there are aspects that we must deride. Don’t respect what we must deride. And vice versa.

You are much more than you are giving yourself credit for. With this – waiting for her to perhaps one day rebuild some passion for you and all that, you are insulting yourself.

Don’t wait. If she does feel something for you again, great. If she one day yearns to have sex with you again, great. But let HER cue you in on that.

You don’t wait. More importantly, don’t let her see that you are waiting.

Whether she rebuilds her passion for you or not, you rebuild your physical appearance, self-image and public persona. See what that brings you.

If that brings you the detachment to divorce, be fine with it. If that brings you the confidence to forgive her without diminishing yourself and reconcile, so be it.

But put yourself first. Please.

She is not the centre of your universe. YOU are.
:iagree: Well written.
 
#115 ·
Maybe she is still of in "Lala land," think of what could have been instead of what reality is.

She doesn't want to let go of the dream. Which was her OM to take her away into fantasy bliss, and you to provide for her when she needed you to.
And she doesn't want to face reality, which is, the OM is gone, and now she is stuck with you.

On a scale of 1-10, how remorseful do you think your WW is?
Then, again on a scale of 1-10, how much effort do you think she is putting into trying to make this marriage work?
 
#116 ·
Cosmo said most men who break up do better then they think they would when they break up. Cosmo must be always right. Your course is clear.
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#117 ·
I think some of Shirley Glass' ideas may be helpful here. From her book Not Just Friends -

"...the longer the affair has lasted and the more satisfying it was, the harder it is to let go. Letting go takes time."

"If your partner is still grieving the loss of the other relationship...acts of devotion may be slow to appear in the first weeks or even months after discovery."

I'm not a fan of Harley's use of the "in love" concept (I don't think people in long term relationships feel those same tingly brain chemicals nearly to the degree that you do during new romantic relationships or illicit affairs). But his 6 month time frame may be helpful. Your WS was involved for a long time in her A so it may take 6 months to come out of her fog.

The threat of D was the slap in the face that got her to finally end it, but she can't shake off the effects of it all at once.

Glass suggests hand holding and foot massages or back rubs when one partner isn't ready yet for sex. Would she go along with those kinds of things?

R requires other tangible efforts on her part too. Does she know what you need to see happening other than sex? For example, my WS and I are making sure to plan couple activities that don't involve talking about the A (preferably involving laughter and/or nature), but we also make time to discuss the A because I have to air the stuff that is rattling around in my head or else I'll go nuts (I'm close to 3 months since D-Day).
 
#118 ·
IF they are too busy mourning the loss of their affair, then they don't want to be married to you. They'd rather be with their affair partner, but instead, are stuck, with you, their spouse.

They should either be rejoicing they got a second chance, or mourning the fact they lost both their AP and their marriage.
They don't get to mourn the loss of their AP while they keep their marriage.
Or at least, they shouldn't get to.
 
#119 ·
You haven't been there. I know you would prefer she begs him to ask what flavor of lip gloss he wants her to wear when she kisses his ass, but it doesn't work that way.

Ever have a close CLOSE family member die? How about a lover or wife? You can talk about what the RATIONAL mind SHOULD do, but it isn't like that. Perhaps you aren't reading ANY of the posts by waywards DESPERATE to change how they feel.

RATIONALLY, we want to be exactly where you thin we should be, perhaps with a bit less groveling. Emotionally, whether we want to go back or not, it's like our Dad died. More, because there was all that sexual bonding going on too.

I am not trying to specifically call you out, but to address this attitude that if the Wayward isn't groveling, begging forgiveness, or shows ANY sense that they miss the AP, they aren't serious.

We are! Excuse me. We CAN. Right now she has this huge hole in her life and if she's SMART, she'll fill it with her family and husband.

BUT IT TAKES TIME!

This knee jerk response of 'if she/he isn't kissing your ass with gratitude' right out of the gate is harmful for a LOT of recoverable marriages.

Yup, there might be a few false Rs as well. Which would you prefer to risk more, broken marriages which could have healed, or the BS having a chance of being hurt again...though not as much, since he already knows what she is capable of?

Everyone can do their own calculus.
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#129 ·
She is not refusing to R. She says she wants R. From what it seems, she SEEMS to be doing everything she should (though with all theses threads, I could be off) except she isn't feeling sexually engaged.

Yes, she had a stutter start (been there too...) but now she's trying.

He should watch her. He should be skeptical and wary. I am on board with him manning up a bit more.

What I do NOT agree with is that her lack of panty shedding is any indication of willingness to R. It isn't and it's just a cheap way to foster doubts in an already bad situation.

Forcing that issue is sort of icky too. If you paid attention to my posts, which I think you have, I did NOT SUGGEST he wait forever for her. I said 6 months. This seems fair.

Let me be perfectly clear: she should also be doing OTHER things to verify her willingness.

She has. She moved out on demand and wrote an NC letter (not sure how those two things fit together, but it's his R)

Does this clarify my position?
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#132 ·
Re: Re: My wife cheated, wants to reconcile, but won't have sex



Actually her lack of panty shedding is an indication not of willingness to reconcile but ability to reconcile and participate in a healthy marriage. If she is pining after passion or in some ways playing the part of an alpha widow how strong will their reconciliation actually be? How healthy will the marriage be going forward? If her feelings for her husband are gone why is she reconciling at all? Is it the security? The shame she would feel at being labeled a divorced cheater? These are issues of paramount importance to both of them don't you think?
 
#133 ·
JCD im pretty confused on where you actuslly sit with resoect to cheating. Many of your comments seem to be entirely aimed at encouraging the BS from dealing with the affair in any way other than accepting it and letting it go on,

I pick up messages of advocating that the bs never holds them accountable, never question them, and just burry your head in the sand and hope that eventually they choose to stop cheating and return to the marriage. Even the thought that the BS is in the wrong, and not the cheater.

The advice I hear is that the BS should politely step out of the way of the affair and let the WS go wild without anything negative, not even a harsh word. Lest it upset the WS and make them unhappy.

Seriously? Is this what you are advocating to the BS?
 
#135 ·
Probably shouldn't wade in here, but I think OP's W should be making an effort to reestablish the sexual aspect of the marriage even if she isn't feeling the 'passion.' I think after something as devastating as infidelity, both of them will have understandable problems in this department. If she wants R, she has to try, in my opinion. I think he has a right to expect it as part of the process. He can't force it, certainly, but he has a right to expect it.
 
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