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My wife cheated, wants to reconcile, but won't have sex

166K views 230 replies 73 participants last post by  Marc878 
#1 ·
I discovered my wife's two year affair on January 2nd, and it continued until January 31st when I finally told her I would leave her unless she ended it. She begged me to stay, and did end the affair. She wrote a no contact letter, which I hand delivered to the other man (He was a mutual friend we have known for four years). We have been married 19 years and have three wonderful girls, ages 17, 14, & 12.

My wife and I have had several discussions since then about what she felt led to the affair, how we both feel about each other & our marriage, and that we both want to save our marriage. We both agree that our marriage has been very rocky for about three years. A lot of it rooted in financial stress. From my end, I used to think: "Once we can get our finances straightened out, things will get better". For her it was a lot more emotional. She felt as though I abandoned her, and even told me she had thought I didn't love her anymore.

I realize that she has rationalized her behavior to a great extent, but I also realized that she is correct as far as me not showing that I love her. We would sometimes have very heated arguments in which I would say the most hurtful things I could imagine. I am working to change that part of myself, and am getting better at consistently showing love, but it almost seems the damage is done.

One of the most hurtful things she has told me is that she no longer has any passion for me. None. She has also said that she has never experienced the level of passion with me that she has with the other man, and she said that has made her question whether we should stay married. She wants to be happy and fulfilled.

I, on the other hand, have always been very satisfied, always felt passion, and now am experiencing hypersexuality. She has asked me to be patient with her and give her space, so I have, but when we spoke a few days ago she admitted that her sexual desire is not improved. She still won't even kiss me.

I feel as though our roles are reversed, and that I should be the one that doesn't feel desire after what she has put me through. She agrees with this assessment, and has expressed her surprise that I would want to.

Any advice?
 
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#137 ·
Having read the thread in the cheater forum that shall not be named, I have an idea why she won't have sex with harrison, and it doesn't have anything to do with guilt. OM is still very clearly in her head and the emotional attachment is so very, very strong. But she will use guilt as an excuse.

Hence no Hysterical Bonding here. She is NOT doing everything she can to help her BS heal, because she's not truly remorseful. If she was doing the heavy lifting, she would be doing everything she can to help him recover. She should be reconnecting with him through the physical intimacy of sex, but she obviously has no desire to. Why is that? Because someone else is on her mind.

In many of the threads here, where the couple is supposedly in R, yet the WW still does not want to have sex with her BH, its seen that the affair is either deep underground, or the OM is still on the WW's mind.
 
#141 · (Edited)
harrison,
This my be your future...
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/70174-revenge-affair-my-needs-7.html

This WW just did not want to be divorced, but had no passion for her husband, she had 3 years of meetup with her Ap. Oh! The excitement of it all!! The poor husband in false R, nothing. If she is unremorseful or lazy its like wearing sandpaper underware, enjoy!

I would hate to guess what percentage of these type of long term affairs/no passion reconcilations, ever actually leave the station.

The good news is if its a non-starter you will figure it out sooner or later.

Take care!
 
#143 ·
And what did I say about that?

IF she refuses physical therapy and refuses to walk, the OP SHOULD walk! This is no free ride to continue pining for some other guy or refuse her marital duties. And I am troubled by the fact she WON'T kiss him.
There is it in black and white (depending on how you set your browser)

And what did I say if she goes three years pining, Decorum?

If she doesn't move at all in six months, he should divorce her ass. If things have improved but have not gotten perfect,he should reassess. It took a year to try to fix things for me but things wildly improved before a year.
Oops. My mistake. I never said he should wait 3 years. I said he should see some movement within six months or....or...

Oh...I said he should walk!

Hmm.

Okay. I'm out.

Harrison, PM me if you want some advice.
 
#158 · (Edited)
And what did I say about that?



There is it in black and white (depending on how you set your browser)

And what did I say if she goes three years pining, Decorum?



Oops. My mistake. I never said he should wait 3 years. I said he should see some movement within six months or....or...

Oh...I said he should walk!

Hmm.

Okay. I'm out.

Harrison, PM me if you want some advice.

3 years? You must have a smude on your bifocals.

I said his wife had an affair for 3 years, and put out a lot of exciting sex, but now that she is in "R" she is not interested in sex, for all the reasons you have stated I'm sure.

In her case (slaters ww) I dont think she is into him, she is lazy and is just staying for the kids (she admits), she may never change, it seems like its more than just fog or whatever, she may have NEVER really been into him.

Slaters WW's interest seems directly related to his proximity to divorce.

My caution to harrison is to find out the why of it, this may seem contrary to your position, but I put no time frame on it, he just needs to be alert to the reason, and maybe to act differently if needed.

Yeah you are getting beat up a bit here JCD but not by me my post was for the op. He can judge for himself.

Why you are adressing me I have no idea, I guess you felt that I was calling you out on something, no offense, I usually stop to read your posts to get your perspective, but I almost never am interested in the debate phase of these threads ( I read them but have no interesting grabbing the tonfa to grind it out), if i'm going to grind somthing into fine flower I want to smell it baking as bread in the oven. :)

6 months is a very reasonable time!!!

I think your pulling us back from the "kick her to the curb" mentality is a needed balance, and I have learned a lot about how a ws recovers from what you have said, I dont believe any human being is disposable, so all valid points.

BTW I bet you come back and peek.
 
#144 ·
I think, and this may sound harsh, that you should keep it simple. Tell her you do not wang to go somewhere else for sex. Tell her she will have to do, that she will just have to put up with it.

Take her to bed tell her to get on top but turn around where she doesn't have to look at you.

Tell her she has to do the work and the quicker and better she is the faster she can go back to the couch.

Otherwise you are going to be played for a long time if not forever.

If shd refuses put her clothes in a garbage bage and help her out the door.

I know personally this can work. You only need pity sex one time. Put her in the drivers seat and when she HAS to get you off, she s going to have a hard time not getting off herself. The big problem here is breaking the ice.
 
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#146 ·
Many a WW go through HB after dday for up to 6 months.

Many a WW go through a period of not putting out for their BH right after dday and the affair is eneded.

Both are normal responses.

Many WW cut off their BH during an affair because they have to be faithful to the one they are in love with, the OM.

Many WW never stop doing their BH and some wind up doing the BH even more.

Both are normal responses.

What this OP has is a WW that has stopped the affair but has not detoxed from her addiction to her OM.

Now whether she has had a marriage of poor sex, good sex, or great sex. Her WW fogged brain has her still feeling sex with the OM was the greatest. Dealing with feelings will not result in rational decisions. If that could be so then there would be many less affairs.

For many WW sex during an affair was ok, even nothing to write home about. Though for them sex was gadly given up for the emotional needs that the OM was meeting.

WW wanted the OM to continue meeting those needs so they put out.

For many WW the sex was either mind blowing, or the rush from doing something forbidden as affair sex made average sex appear to be mind blowing.

Couple that with that a WW re wrote her marital history to justify her banging the OM she painted her BH as a villain, a dud, not worth her time.

The WW mindset during the affair must be removed and the healthy mind set that WW had for her BH has to be restored.

That is a big part of recovery. Telling the OP to push for sex, attacking his WW is not productive at getting his WW to mourn the loss of her OM and detox from her addiction to the OM.

A low cost book, Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley will give this BH more tools to get his marriage back on track then over half of the advice given on this thread.
 
#148 ·
Re: Re: My wife cheated, wants to reconcile, but won't have sex



I've read Surviving An Affair and although I agree it was a very good book I don't remember anything in it that would address this situation. Could you elaborate?
 
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#149 ·
As for insisting she have sex with him - - that sounds kinda gross to me (for both of them). That being said, I would think she would want to try anyway (sex), whether she was 100% into it or not. If I were a WW and wanted to save my marriage, I'd being doing it and hoping it would help turn things around. Because NOT having sex isn't going to help anything.
Perhaps reading too much into it, but my issue is her apparent unwillingness to go that extra step for her husband when she did it in the past to keep her affair going. I agree that requiring sex from her is likely not the way to go, but she seems to be giving it grudgingly - almost with the attitude of "I know I have to have sex with my husband but I don't have to like it." Again, something she mustered at least some enthusiasm for in the past, but now that she no longer has to lie, she does not want to be bothered?
 
#153 ·
Harrison

If you still love your wife what is another 6 months to wait?

But while you are waiting do a few things:

Check those var's daily. Especially in her car.

Work on you. Get your anger under control.

Work on the issues that you can control so that no matter what happens to your marriage you come out as a better man.

Stay close to your kids. Your D was very brave to come to you. Make sure you comfort her because I am sure she has mixed emotions about what she did. Any kid would.

Hm64
 
#157 ·
I am not missing any of your advice! I have been reading all of your responses and considering everything said. I must say that I am really in a bad place right now. I WAS sure that there is no contact, but I am becoming more skeptical as I read. I WILL continue to surveil her, and step up those efforts.

I do still love my wife, and that is why I am giving this more time. I will file for divorce if there comes a point that I can't take it anymore, or if I find out that she is still seeing him. Meanwhile, I am taking care of myself and preparing mentally for doing so, if need be.

Some of the advice on here, such as forcing her to do this or that, backing her into a corner, etc..., will not work to save my marriage, only to end it. I understand she is not in reconciliation yet. I am waiting to see if she will get there.

My family is important to me and I want to give every opportunity I can to keep my family together. No, this does not mean I am willing to live with a wh*re, or with someone who does not love me. We WERE in love at one time, and I hope that she soon remembers.

I am a christian man and I do believe in forgiveness, but earning my forgiveness does not mean that she can do whatever she wants for as long as she wants. So far, I have zero physical evidence that she is still seeing him. I think she is still in the fog, probably to give her a reason for doing what she did.

I also agree that she is not 100% remorseful. I don't know what to say about that. It hurts. If at some point in time if I realize that she will not truly reconcile I will divorce.

Please keep the dialogue going. I am listening.
 
#159 ·
Regarding sex:

I should add that three weeks ago I told her that I was ready to explode. I asked if she would be okay with me masturbating with her naked in bed with me, and if she would allow me to ejaculate on her stomach. She suggested oral sex instead, and she also removed all her clothes per my request. I was thrilled that she was willing, and so a few days later I asked her again. She gave me oral sex, and again removed her clothes. Two days after that, I asked again, and she was willing, but I could tell she was put off as she was headed to the bedroom. I asked her what the problem was, and she told me that she had done it the first time because she WANTED to do it.

I asked her if she did not want to now, and she said that she would, but she was feeling pressured. She also added that she only did it because it was something nice for me. I asked her if she got anything out of doing it for me (mentally), and she said only that she enjoyed making me feel good, but when I pressured her for it, the enjoyment of giving was not there.

On a side note: One of the posts asked if I was reasonably good looking/in shape. I am attractive and athletic. My wife is also.

Thoughts?
 
#164 ·
It's pity sex.

It's let him get his rocks off so he won't bother me sex.

It's he's a man if I give him sex it will throw off any suspicions sex.

Your wife has no desire for you. What's she's doing is a chore, much like housework, it has to be done to keep things in order, except it's not the house that needs order..it's your lives. So she's still bonded to OM right? Give you what you need and you'll leave her alone.

Clothes off, minimum contact, she will not violate the sacred bond she established with OM. You've been reduced to..sorry.. oral she doesn't enjoy and a perfunctory act, she's sees you getting off and all she feels is pity, at least I gave him that, it will be over soon..

So it comes to a point where you want it regularly, no intimacy, no spark, just an act. She start to cringe when she walks to the bedroom..she didn't want to do it the first time but did it so you'd leave her alone for a while, she's walking to the room and she doesn't want to do it.. it's not like when she was with OM..

You get it? Everything you are doing is just reinforcing the torch she's carrying for OM. Your cold "sex" to their hot passion. Your pleading to his dominance..

Christian man, family man..doesn't mean squat. You're still getting walked all over. It's you! Still no consequences. It would seem religion doesn't preclude a man just needing to get his rocks off because he's going to "explode" I'm not belittling but you can throw being religious and virtuous as an excuse for being passive..and time waiting for something to magically happen isn't going to replace OM as the object of her desire.
 
#170 ·
Your wife has no desire for you. What's she's doing is a chore, much like housework, it has to be done to keep things in order, except it's not the house that needs order..it's your lives. So she's still bonded to OM right? Give you what you need and you'll leave her alone.

So it comes to a point where you want it regularly, no intimacy, no spark, just an act. She start to cringe when she walks to the bedroom..she didn't want to do it the first time but did it so you'd leave her alone for a while, she's walking to the room and she doesn't want to do it.. it's not like when she was with OM..

.
I'm sorry to say but he is right. I she has no passion, I don't see how the marriage can work in any other way than a marriage of convenience.
 
#168 ·
Personally I would relieve myself before I would take the scraps she is giving you.

I got to the point in my own marriage that I would rather just wait to make love to my wife rather that take duty or pity sex.

If the relationship is healthy I dont think those mean much once in a while, but in your case I think she will keep losing respect for you and see you as needy.

Here is an interesting thread from a woman perspective who realized how she was rejecting her husband.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...-now-how-i-get-my-husband-trust-me-again.html

Honestly though I feel like we really do not know what your wife is really thinking or feeling, and she must not be forthcomming with it, if she even really understands it. If that were more clear then your course of action would be more clear.

Try to focus more on what is really happening in her heart and head, seek her out as a person and see if she hides herself from you.
That will tell you much.

Really listening to her could go a long way.

Welcome to limbo.
 
#169 ·
It sounds like she wants to be with the other guy? Have you told her to just go for it, if she wants him so bad... and when she leaves, lock the doors? I also suggest throwing your bed out, it made me feel better and sends a pretty strong message about what you're feeling at that moment. Move furniture too.. that's helping me cope. Let her know when to pick up her stuff.. and that if she wants the bed, she can have it. If not, new bed delivery guys will take the old one.

She's having an issue with lack of empathy... tell her if she shows some remorse and acts like less of a jerk you'll consider thinking about perhaps maybe letting her back.
 
#174 ·
You really , really need to read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. ITS AN EMERGENCY. There is a link below. You are hurting yourself by the way you are acting around yor wife. Asking her to let you use her stomach is hilarious. She must have thought that was pathetic. You are not acting like a strong man. That is a death blow to any marriage. She was comparing you to the other man at that moment and you came up wanting. Good Lord.
 
#177 ·
This thread is heartbreaking to me.

Harrison, an extremely important element in a marriage is respect for your spouse's dignity. Without this simple but fundamental thing, contempt can creep in & that is a death knell for a relationship.

I understand that a R requires a lot of work and patience & you can't demand that a WS suddenly erase feelings for the AP that have developed over time. With time and the right work, this can happen. And most important, with real dedication, the trust can be rebuilt to some extent.

Your WW, however, shows very little concern for your dignity as a man and human being. Her attitude is contemptuous. A WS that brings outward contempt to a R is not worth the effort, in my opinion, and certainly not worth the pain. Definitely not worth the pain. She has already hurt you so much. She seems not only oblivious to your pain but contemptuous of it.

As so many say, life is too short to live it like this. You deserve so much more. Why shouldn't you be respected? What have you really done in your life to be treated this way? I also suspect that her A is either still active or the OM is very much in her head - even so, that explains but doesn't excuse her complete lack of compassion.
 
#210 ·
When they hold you in contempt, acts of kindness are recieved by the WAS ( male or female ) as acts of weakness. You can't help yourself this way. The only thing you CAN do is to help yourself and also build your respect with her by dealing with her like the opposition that she now is.
 
#178 · (Edited)
Harrison:

A Caveat:

If you wait for her to come back to you thus, waiting by her bed like a sexual mendicant, even if she does come back to you one day, you might / would begin to hate yourself someday, in retrospect. And that might alter your then treatment of her.

Self-respect, if subdued by force, might come back to bite you in the gluteus someday, as self-hatred.




If she is mourning the loss of another man, so are you mourning the loss of your wife (as you knew her). If she is lamenting the disintegration of her fantasyland, you are lamenting the disintegration of your marriage, family and home. Is she is missing her orgasms and emotional connect, so are you.

She misses no more than you do. She has lost no more than you have. In fact, you have lost MUCH more.

Why is YOUR pain any less than hers? Why is your need for sex any less than the Other Man’s? Is his phallus made of gold, and yours, playdough?

Why this demeaning of your self-worth, for an eponymous Reconciliation?

It’s time to stand up for yourself, Sir. This is not about your marriage alone. It is about you being able to respect what you see in the mirror.

It is about YOU.


(Unfortunately, the only way to immediately emphasize your own Sexual Market Value in her eyes (and perhaps jolt her back to seeing you as a desirable man again) is to have another woman evince sexual interest in you / a Revenge Affair – with legions of its own negatives, and is perhaps inadvisable).



Now, she KNOWS you are waiting for her to thaw, and perhaps return to the marriage. She KNOWS you have the empathy to do that (to wait).

She also needs to KNOW that you might want to quit the marriage. She needs to KNOW that you have the courage / will / self-respect & resoluteness to do that also (to walk).

Let her choose between marriage and divorce. Not between marriage and limbo marriage (she currently seems to think that choice exists. Maybe you should take that choice / perception away).
 
#181 ·
Harrison, don't take all you hear personally. Please I beg you don't.

Please do stand up for yourself though, just as posters here are advising you to do with your wife.

Try and separate the meaning from the post, separate the advice from the negative criticism. Posters, overly critical or helpful, are all basically saying the same thing. There needs to be some assertiveness coming from you and being directed at your wife.
 
#182 ·
I know you don't want to hear this and I know you aren't going to take this advice. You are way to scared of losing her to do what you need too to have a chance to save your marriage.

I am a cheater and I promise you, the way you are acting and the way you think is going to work to get her back won't. It just makes you look weaker and weaker in her eyes and that is not attractive at all. The wife you love and the one that loved you is gone forever. That wife wouldn't of cheated on you, this one did, this wife was so into the OM, your daughter found out and after you found out she still continued her affair.

It was only when the one time you showed some strength she "says" it over. A two year affair doesn't just end.... You have to kill it. You went weak again and I am certain she has went underground with it or just buying time before she starts it up again.

I am not saying it is useless and to file, I am saying that weak BS's who beg and cry, who allow their WS to call the shots after DDay, and wait in gut wrenching pain and hope or pray their wife will miraculously come back are sorely disappointed. It hardly happens and when it does while allowing the affair to be rug sweeped, they come back here some time in the future to saying it happened again, sometimes with the original OM or just another because the pull and high of an affair,especially when it has been a major point of your life for a couple years (like your wife), is just to strong. Because they know that they can walk all over you. They have been since the affair began.

You want to save your marriage, stop being scared to lose it.
 
#184 · (Edited)
Good grief. Wow. Holy smokes.

You know the old saying 'I cried because I didn't have shoes until I saw a man who didn't have feet'? I thought that things went off the train tracks with my WW but this tops it by a wide margin.

Let me get this straight...

She had a 2-year affair with a mutual friend (while only having sex with him four times? Yeah, and I dunked over Lebron and scored 43 for the Bucks last night, too), got caught, and is so 'disgusted' by her affair with him that she doesn't want anything physically to do with you? And even when she does relents and gives you the occasional BJ, she's still whining about it?

Dude, can you see the writing on the wall? I can. It reads...

THIS. MARRIAGE. IS. OVER.

A poster wrote this earlier in this thread and bears repeating, as I'm currently doing a book project that speaks to topics like this. One of the main reasons why she doesn't have the passion to get busy with you anymore (if she ever did in the first place) is because she views you as the second option, the fallback plan, the Intercontinental champion. She had multiple trysts with this guy and did every XXX-rated thing imaginable while with him. Just think of the most lucid sex scene you could think of happening in a hotel room, the backseat of a car, a stairwell, any room in your house. Now I would be willing to bet my next paycheck (and most of the posters here would too) that not a single mention of the light bill, PTA meetings, finances, lawn care, doctor appointments, or what gifts to buy for Christmas was shared between them. She got at least two years of seeing this guy AT HIS VERY BEST; something that you will never, EVER be able to duplicate in her mind. While you spent the last umpteen years arguing with her about finances, bills, and seeing the parents, she only argued with him over what sex position they would start things up with.

This is why she doesn't have it in her to kiss you anymore. This is why you have to beg and plead with her for just a BJ session that she quickly relegated to a chore after doing it. I'll bet she had no problem at all doing that for the OM; he probably didn't even have to ask. She went from this fantasy of Cinderella bliss and multiple orgasms with him to the boring, mundane 'real world' with you. Who wants to go back 'to the farm' after spending a month in an exclusive penthouse in Paris? In her mind, that's exactly what she's doing by 'choosing you' instead of him.

Now ask yourself; do you really think of yourself as a consolation prize? Because that's her current view of you. Take it from me; it's not the most pleasurable experience.

I know that you're trying to 'do the right thing' for your kids and all but for once, be a little selfish for just a moment. What has she done to earn the right of staying there? Where is the remorse? Where are the consequences? What has she done to earn back your trust? Just tell you that she won't do it anymore?

She not only had an affair but has emasculated you to the point where she basically equates having any relations with you to cleaning up the kitchen after Thanksgiving dinner. I don't know about you or other folks on this forum but in my little world, if I'm not the top dog in terms of relations with my significant other, she can't possibly be number one in my world; PERIOD. And if you don't have that, there is absolutely positively NO SHOT OF RECONCILIATION. I could not possibly fathom settling for being just in the top-8 of a woman's BCS poll while in a relationship or just a guy she's waiting to dump after the last kid graduates and leaves the house (dead man walking). That's why I got out; and you should, too.

Wanna try to win her back? Get some self-respect back by giving her the boot....
 
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