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My wife cheated, wants to reconcile, but won't have sex

166K views 230 replies 73 participants last post by  Marc878 
#1 ·
I discovered my wife's two year affair on January 2nd, and it continued until January 31st when I finally told her I would leave her unless she ended it. She begged me to stay, and did end the affair. She wrote a no contact letter, which I hand delivered to the other man (He was a mutual friend we have known for four years). We have been married 19 years and have three wonderful girls, ages 17, 14, & 12.

My wife and I have had several discussions since then about what she felt led to the affair, how we both feel about each other & our marriage, and that we both want to save our marriage. We both agree that our marriage has been very rocky for about three years. A lot of it rooted in financial stress. From my end, I used to think: "Once we can get our finances straightened out, things will get better". For her it was a lot more emotional. She felt as though I abandoned her, and even told me she had thought I didn't love her anymore.

I realize that she has rationalized her behavior to a great extent, but I also realized that she is correct as far as me not showing that I love her. We would sometimes have very heated arguments in which I would say the most hurtful things I could imagine. I am working to change that part of myself, and am getting better at consistently showing love, but it almost seems the damage is done.

One of the most hurtful things she has told me is that she no longer has any passion for me. None. She has also said that she has never experienced the level of passion with me that she has with the other man, and she said that has made her question whether we should stay married. She wants to be happy and fulfilled.

I, on the other hand, have always been very satisfied, always felt passion, and now am experiencing hypersexuality. She has asked me to be patient with her and give her space, so I have, but when we spoke a few days ago she admitted that her sexual desire is not improved. She still won't even kiss me.

I feel as though our roles are reversed, and that I should be the one that doesn't feel desire after what she has put me through. She agrees with this assessment, and has expressed her surprise that I would want to.

Any advice?
 
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#189 ·
Fine posts Simon Phoenix!

I think you have said it all.

Harrison, think about what you want from your marriage, and then think about how you can go about getting it. Make a plan of action to make what you want happen. And if not with her, make it happen with someone else.
 
#190 ·
I discovered my wife's two year affair on January 2nd, and it continued until January 31st when I finally told her I would leave her unless she ended it...

One of the most hurtful things she has told me is that she no longer has any passion for me. None. She has also said that she has never experienced the level of passion with me that she has with the other man, and she said that has made her question whether we should stay married. She wants to be happy and fulfilled.

She has asked me to be patient with her and give her space, so I have, but when we spoke a few days ago she admitted that her sexual desire is not improved. She still won't even kiss me.

Any advice?
In Short... Bail Out... Geronimo!

Simon Phoenix assessment is spot on. No need to repeat here.

That being said, from my own experience... When I caught my wife cheating, she had re-united with the old college BF. Her first real love... da-de-da. Anyway, after 30 years of marriage to me, she had finally found her shining star, was ready to move out, a build "something different, something new, something real." Our kids were grown and out of the house.

My first words to her, good luck, I won't compete with affairs, I am who I am. I then offered her a ride (100 miles) to start her new life.

Get it Harrison?... no begging, no pleading, no whining. Your afraid you are going to lose her? She has already left.
 
#192 ·
harrison,

Truth be told, like so many other beta males who come to TAM, you don't have the b*lls to divorce your cheating wife and don't understand that -- unitil you do and until she realizes that you do -- you will not win back her affection. You may muddle through for a while, swallowing what is left of your pride, but eventually you will lose her, either to another man or because you will become so miserable and desperate that you will not be able to take it any more.

Women like strong men and, to one degree or another, despise weak men. You are a weak man. That's why our wife has no sexual interest in you. If you show her strength, there is a good chance that her sexual interest in you will be rekindled.

One way to do this is by telling her that you can no longer live with a woman who doesn't love you, filing for divorce and starting to emotionally disengage from her (i.e.,doing the 180). You don't have to follow through with the divorce if she responds by beginning to show real remorse (she hasn't so far) and trying to win you back (which includes offering you sex). But if she doesn't do these things, why wouldn't you divorce her? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who has no respect for you and doesn't love you?

Man up. Be strong. Start getting on with you life. Maybe she will change into someone you want. Maybe she won't. But you will at least be closer to the day when you have a woman by your side who wants to be there.


P.S.: Read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay to learn how to become the kind of man that women want to be around. It will give you a new perspective, one that you really need.
 
#193 ·
Harrison
I know you probably feel you are getting beat up. Read Rookie4's thread. He loved his wife. The. Divorced his wife.

The. He Sowed his oats and healed.

His Exw has chased him since and they are Reconciling.

The key there is his Exw faced consequences.

Your wife has faced no consequences from you. Until she does she will not even comprehend what destruction her Infidelity has caused you, your marriage or your family.

Time to get tough Harison

HM64
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#194 ·
In cave man terms your wife does not view you as the hunter she needs to reward and bond with.

On a pure biology level women should not need men. Think bsck to cave msn days. We get them pregnant if the give us sex, which puts them at risk of death, and burdens them with a child to care for.

So why then are women driven to have sex? Why not go hide in packs in caves together away from the males? A big part of the answer is that women are social and want both status on the tribe, which means the tribe values them, and they want protection and meat from our hunting.

So they are driven to provide sex to build an emotional bond in the man to get him to make feeding her and protecting her his priority, nd to provide for her children.

There are couple kinds of guys that women have to deal with - one is the kind that she must continue to attract and compete for, and the other is the kind that will stick around in hopes that she will throw him a scap or two.

Biologically, the scrap or two guy gets only a scrap or two because her body shuts down the production of desire drive in her because she doesn't need it.

You don't want to become the scrap or two guy, and that's the battle we wage in our modem society as men. The forces of society want us men to act like successful hunters when it comes to career etc, but accepting of scraps from our wives because to do otherwise would be acting like a cave man.

The problem you are facing is that your wife's body is not producing desire for you hormones because in part she does not sense the need to keep you bonded to her. She believes that the reasons you might leave aren't related to sex from her, and so she gains no advantage by giving that to you. Unfortunately she's been able to keep you around with scraps which further reinforced that conclusion at a bio level.
 
#195 ·
The problem you are facing is that your wife's body is not producing desire for you hormones because in part she does not sense the need to keep you bonded to her. She believes that the reasons you might leave aren't related to sex from her, and so she gains no advantage by giving that to you. Unfortunately she's been able to keep you around with scraps which further reinforced that conclusion at a bio level.

There is the anthropo-sexological investigation report for your situation, Harrison.

Do you have the energy and fight left in you, to amp up your sex rank? Not for her, but for yourself. If she sees it and responds, and if you still want her, well and good.

If not, there are others out there. Women who can differentiate fellatio from vacuum-cleaning.

Heck, if Shrek and I could get good women, so can you.
 
#199 ·
Well, we've managed to badger and insult another guy into running for the hills as we called him weak, a cuckold, an idiot and wimpy.

Good work guys.
 
#204 · (Edited)
An extra LIKE X10 for your last 3 posts JCD, though focussed mostly on the first one.....oh, and the second one too! Oh sod it, focus on all three. I love the show tunes and ladies fashion quip. Alike you in an opposite kind of way, I just love flat caps, pints of beer and thoroughly enjoy wearing my breeches and engaging in street fights. Men fall over themselves trying to be with me! Literally! I have to prod them away with the toes of my steel toe capped boots!

It really pisses me off seeing antagonistic posts. There is truth and honesty, and there is just plain rude.

This is a FORUM (not a throw them to the lions arena), people come here for ADVICE. If people prefer to beat up and insult newcomers who are not the perfect fit....hmmm....reminds me of somewhere I went once, many years ago, kinda full of children.....oh yeah, SCHOOL!

We have all experienced bullying, tactless, rude behaviour before. And very occasionally it has been the shock that helped. Mostly, practically all the time, it has been unhelpful and extremely upsetting and demoralising. Why demoralise someone further who is already probably at the lowest they have ever felt, and seeking some advice to help them help themselves, to drag themselves back up off the floor where they have been trodden on and kicked for good measure? Why do some people here kick them again?

Some of this bullying is just sooooo unnecessary. Just because you are anonymous doesn't mean you can't use manners as if they were stood right in front of you and was a friend seeking advice.
 
#208 ·
Fair criticism, Remains, I hope he reads what you have said. TAM CWI is full of people who wish they done it differently. Each new OP is a chance to make it right but with someone else's life. Many put up with brutal comments that ultimately help them
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#205 ·
I can certainly see why some of these posts can be perceived as antagonistic and negative. But you can't really break the spirit and self esteem of a man who has ALREADY had these shattered by the person he trusted most in his life. I've mentioned this before, but there's a tragic sort of irony in the CWI forums, in that faceless and anonymous strangers on the Internet are more caring and willing to help a BS than the person who betrayed said BS.

Maybe I spend much too much within the Internet culture, but despite how direct and blunted some posts are, and despite the occasional hostile undertones towards the cheater, most posts here are positively enlightening. You have to remember that most posters were/are betrayed spouses themselves. We see BSes post here with blinders on, clinging to the destructive hope that their plight will eventually improve if they just try harder to appease their cheating spouses, to their own detriment. They will get a rude awakening when DDay 2 (or 3, or 4, etc) comes along. Harsh medicine NOW will help them in the long run, if they're willing to take it.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#212 ·
Totally agreed!

But some posters are not used to forums or internet sites of chat. Some may well be virgins to the type of place that has posts from anyone who cares to bother.

I have mentioned on threads before, ignore the advice you think is silly or antagonistic and just take what is relevant. And yet the OP still feels the need to answer to someone who is just there to stir the pot! Again and again. Annoying!
 
#211 ·
I've observed that the bluntness of posts is directly proportional to the fog that the poor BS finds themselves in.
Nail on head!

Which is why name calling isn't necessarily going to pull them from the fog.

TBH, just like you cannot nice someone out of an affair, you cannot nice someone out of the fog. Maybe I take my previous post back, tucked under arm for another day! But no! Harsh advice can always be given with manners.

I think insults just turn people away. Never does an insult make you listen better!
 
#228 ·
You asked for advice, so here it is: She's done with you, and is trying to "let you down easy" to alleviate some of her guilt. She is also using you, as she probably used the moment you found out about the affair to get the other guy to commit to her in some way, and is using you to make him jealous. She is probably still seeing him, albeit in a much more discrete manner. Either way, here's a few of her actions that need explaining: 1) After discovering her affair on the 2nd of Jan, why did it take til the end of Jan to end it? You think your ultimatum ended it? What kind of person, after being discovered in an affair, stays in it, if they could care less about their marriage. 2) She begged you to stay, most likely because she couldn't imagine her standard of living taking a huge hit, from your walking out. Also, where is she going to find a babysitter as loyal as you? Besides, she's not such a hot catch with 3 kids tagging along. 3) She has caused you to doubt your own basic rights in marriage by getting you to think your actions(heated arguments) were the cause of her infidelity.
4) and this is the kicker: what kind of woman, fresh out of an affair, begging for another chance, would lay that part about feeling absolutely no passion for you? She had to know how that would hurt, especially on top of her affair.

Part of me thinks she wants your permission to see this guy on a limited basis, and if so, she'll provide you a "reward" for letting her be sexually free. I guess I'd characterize it as a half-open relationship.

You have to come to terms with the fact that she's not the same woman you married, and is not the person you think you love. Sure you might want to have sex with her, but a large part of that is because it is currently off-limits. I'd begin to face the possibility that you should look for love and committment (and sex) elsewhere. Perhaps it's ok if she stays in the house and can be civil for the children't sake. You should begin to pull yourself together. Go to counseling WITHOUT her. No sense in going with her. That counseling session would turn into everything you don't do for her and this is all your fault. Start going to the gym, regularly. Start eating right, and join some social activities, even if its just at your church or your children's schools. Exclude your wife from your new life, at all times. Plan on separating from her, eventually, and begin to tuck some money aside for the time when you will need to pay lawyers and get your own place, etc. Read some interesting books, and make new friends. Begin a renaissancein your own life, and try and find out why you would want to be in such an abusive relationship. You deserve better, and it won't be hard to find someone who treats you better. I can't think of anyone who would treat you worse. Along the way, your wife might find you attractive again, but don't fall for it. Make up your mind that you offered to have sex with her after this affair, and she turned you down, which was her last chance to have sex with you. Under no circumstances should you get any closer to her, and should begin to build emotional "walls" such that when the break up happens, you won't be so devastated. Who knows, maybe you'll find someone you are interested in, and you'll initiate the divorce. Begin to ask people about a good divorce attorney. Go down to your local courthouse and ask the people around there for recommendations. If 2 or 3 names keep coming up, go and speak with all 3 attorneys (she won't be able to retain any of them, once you speak with them). Sorry to say, your marriage is over, and you should really think about moving on with your life, in ten years you won't believe how much happier you will be.
 
#230 ·
hey brother,i know im answering old post from you,i hope you as individual are okay now,my advice to you kick her out,she's playing with you emotionally,the way she treats you by rejecting having sex with you is the indication that she and her boy friend had it all planned,they are putting a trap on you,they wish you got outt control,they wish you would seek sex outta the marriage ,and the become her and the boy friend some sorta arsenal bombard you on the court that you also having an affair ,and voila she got the excuse to **** the boy friend again ,then she'd tear your life appart by taking big amout alimony from you ,the house and every thing,believe me they are turning you into a total cuckold..Brother please KICK HER OUT,consider this also ,HER mouth vagina might be already with STDS,SO keep away from her ,she is disgusting
 
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