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Contacted by exwife for dinner. Yes? No? HELP

59K views 238 replies 82 participants last post by  Acabado 
#1 · (Edited)
Long story short:
Me: 34
her: 30

My original posting: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64546-new-here-my-story.html

Total relationship length: 4.5 years
Married less than a year.

After about a year of marriage, she announced she wanted out. Unhappy, etc. Found out she had be involved in at least a EA with a MM in a different state. Had been going on prior to me proposing and all thru the marriage. Divorce was final in Dec 12. Only married for that short year. I treated her great, but apparently she couldn't control herself.

I haven't had communication with her since January. Just the other day, out of the blue she emails that she's going to be in town and wants to know if I want to get dinner.

I know she's still in contact with MM. I doubt she wants to get back together, nor would I.

My brain says: F her! No dinner. She can rot in hell.
My heart says: I still love her and see this as a possiblity to get some answers of which I never got.

I basically found out all this thru her cell phone and all the calling going on through the past two years to MM. She even emailed him on our honeymoon how much she missed him.

She rug swept him of course and said JUST FRIENDs. I'm not an idiot.

THoughts?
 
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#76 ·
The best thing to do is not respond. Close old email. Get a new email and block her.

She shows up unannounced.

Simple, grab your coat and car keys an say what a surprise to see you here. Sorry but I was leaving now, bye. Get in car drive off.

Second best thing to do is send an email and ask why does she want to see you? What does she need to tell you?
 
#81 ·
Just read through some of your previous posts to get a feel for this. Honestly not sure why you would even consider seeing this woman, especially if you still have feelings for her and how she treated you but I'm not in your shoes.

I'd recommend either not responding to the email or at best saying "Not interested" and keeping it at that. Definitely do NOT have dinner with her and if she "drops by", which I dout she'll do, don't open the door or shut it in her face.

Honestly what can meeting with her do for you?? If she was interested in getting back with you I imagine she'd be more aggressive about it than that. Like someone else said she most likely just wants to be on good terms with you. Maybe to be on good terms with some of your family as well who knows. But I have a feeling whatever she is trying to do is for her benefit and not yours. Like pretty much everything else it sounds like she's done.

You've never even gotten an apology from her??? I stand with the other 90% of people in this thread, don't give her the time of day. You don't owe her anything and you owe it to yourself not to let her **** with your head. Again.
 
#82 ·
Hell to the NO!!!

You were only divorced 5 months ago! You still love her, it's still too fresh! NO NO NO!! She does not deserve another second of your time! She spit on you, your integrity, and your life! Her actions speak a thousand times more than any words she could ever give you now.

She made her bed, let her lie in it. She probably had a falling out with the OM and wants you back. Don't fall into the trap!!!

She messed with you for 5 years. Enough is enough!! NO NO NO!!!!
 
#83 ·
Be honest with yourself here

You're hanging onto to something that you know no longer exists

I know the 'pull' the magnet is almost unbreakable

Behind that door is all that pain you went through, are still going through ......and you're asking for more of the same so you know what you should do


............close the door and throw away the key
 
#88 ·
Okay, this is just me and not to be construed as a course of action but a suggestion, but I would email her back and simply say, "Thanks for the offer, but no thanks. Take care."

Nothing more.

This is assuming I would reply at all. Personally, I wouldn't. You know all you need to know, and anything more will do nothing other than reset your personal recovery clock. You've come too far for that, IMO.

Also, no way in hell I would give her the satisfaction of knowing that she can still yank my chain. She's a "gather unto me what is mine" kind of trollop. No remorse, no regrets. Just pure non-marriage, narcissistic material. Hopeless. Nope, nope, and nope.

Your life though.
 
#91 ·
You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for the time and advice.

I'm gearing up to answer her no. Only reason I do indeed want to answer is I don't want a random drop in.

It's just a hard email to send as you can imagine. At one point exwife and I had something very special between us. She has tried to somewhat take some blame by telling me "there's something wrong with me. I don't know who I am". Not to absolve a cheater from any responsibility, but I'm sure it's rather difficult for one to own up to cheating. Especially when I was so close to her family and friends. I feel in this matter there is something psychologically wrong with her and she is indeed dealing with her own demons.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#93 ·
That's good

Just to dilute in a respectful way :

We all had 'something very special' with our exes - although obviously they didn't consider it to be as special as you did! or...

my stbxw admitted to me many times "there's something wrong with me, I know I can't be happy even when I have everything a woman could want" Did it stop her CHOOSING to completely destroy, fk me, her kids, other wives and those families over. Not for a second

Did my wife own up to cheating - eventually although has nil remorse about it. There was always some justification, no matter how small or crazy - which surprise surprise was always me!

Like mine your wife does have something psychologically wrong with her - any mix of various disorders but that was NOT behind her making the choices that that smashed your life to pieces That was her making selfish entitled choices for her and to hell with the consequences

When you love somebody it's easy to forget those very pertinent facts, indeed that's whats kept you mentally in it saving her arse time and time again.

It's not easy as maybe many of us paint it, as every one has something little thing that makes them unique, but the crucial thing here is that the number of reconciliations that were healthy and true based upon what you're still hankering / lingering for is frankly - ZERO
 
#159 ·
Also bugs me that if I don't go then she could be of the mindset "well I tried to meet" ...leaving her thinking she's absolved herself of guilt. Posted via Mobile Device
Who cares if she feels guilty or not? Your marriage won't be restored if she feels guilty.

Besides, if you really want to hurt her, then you should be apathetic. Just say "no thank you" and leave it at that. Don't give an excuse, don't say anything. Just leave the impression that she's not even important enough to you anymore to waste the hour it would take to eat lunch.
 
#96 ·
Would you really want to go there Matt.?

Lets face it she could say whatever she needs to say without all the "lets go to dinner bull****" - she obviously has some agenda for the poor guy and still feels she can keep her claws dug well deep into him if he goes face to face. She could mail him write text whatever - she knows the physical contact will weaken his resolve in some way what ever she's trying to do

just my opinion
 
#97 ·
Op if your heart is still in love with her. Do not so it as it will only set you back. She won't give you any real honesty maybe some more bs but that is all. I woe not respond at all.

You owe her nothing at this point and that includes a response. If she really wanted to provide the truth and it sounds like you already know it anyway. She could just do it over the phone. I can't see how this is a win for you if you are not over her at this point in time.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#100 ·
I would go to hear her, nothing wrong with that to my opinion, you have nothing to lose here, worst case she will try to chit chat abit try to make friends with you, if that is the case you can cut short, excuse yourself up say that you have to meet your girlfriend for the night get up and leave her there alone,

at least you will know what she wanted, I think you have nothing to lose if you come from a point of strength, remember she is asking you, not the other way arround

I would go and listen
 
#104 · (Edited)
Head spin: your exwife's response sounds a lot like mines. Did she ever figure out her issues?

I know mine has seen a few counselors, even during her breakup with a prior bf before me.

I, along with most of you in your own sutuationsu, have tried to dissect and diagnose her for the past 5 months. My final thought is that it's a mix of daddy issues with a hint of narcissism.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#105 · (Edited)
Head spin: your exwife's response sounds a lot like mines. Did she ever figure out her issues?

I know mine has seen a few counselors, even during her breakup with a prior bf before me.

I, along with most of you in your own sutuationsu, have tried to dissect and diagnose her for the past 5 months. My final thought is that it's a mix of daddy issues with a hint of narcissism.
Posted via Mobile Device
No she did'nt despite medication counseling etc etc and mainly because I was her support shield against the whole world with it all. She's always been this 'victim' that circumstances have propelled into 'terrible' choices - yeah right

You'll be interested in researching various disorders Borderline (my wifes main one) Bipolar Narcissism is etc which will shock you to the core

Be seated when you read up on this stuff because you will find out so much about your life with her - your eyes will knowingly pop!

A lot of that stuff is what can put those afflicted on a wrong pathway but that's nothing to do with the choices she then makes

Took me 15 years to work that out !!

(Also srry to be negative but there is no known cure for sufferers of the above disorders - meds to and froe it, counselling gets them talking but they are what they are and their behavior once you know what it is, is as predictable permanently as sure as the sun comes up. I used to think at one point 'Mmm everything has been great for a few months - now where's my tin hat! And sure enough - without fail, without warning another mental collapse mostly with another man in tow somewhere in it. It moves in cycles and over years increases and intensifies until you trying to hold it all together kids home her work just end up thinking you are in some asylum somewhere ........and here's the funny bit - you end up thinking with their help that's it's all your fault !!!!!!! )
 
#106 · (Edited)
IF you decide to do this

1. Tell GF

2. Email: "Fine. 7:00 pm at Chez Banqueloan. You are paying. Bring cash."

2a. If her response is anything but yes, fvck it. Take the GF to the movie. Don't bother to respond.

3. As soon as you get there: "Emily Post says when a woman invites a man to dinner, she should discretely pay in advance." She should give them cash or a credit card...or give you the same to hold. If she brings up how controlling this is, mention that it may be controlling, but we also know what her word is worth.

This is called 'setting the tone'.

4. Order what you want but don't worry about getting the prime rib. Bottle of wine. Drink before dinner. Dessert.

5. Make sure to have your cell phone fully charged. When she goes into psychobabble/rationalization mode, you can play some games until she is finished talking. It is the mark of a true gentleman to keep the volume low during dinner.

6. If she starts crying, or blaming you, excuse yourself, go to the washroom and give the busboy $20, so he lets you out the backdoor. Go home and call the GF and play some X box. Make bets with yourself about how long it takes for her to realize you left.

I don't think you have it in you though. This is the attitude you need to survive this.

*there is the obligatory greeting "are you putting on weight?" after you say hello. I blush to even mention it since it's such a given.
 
#107 ·
I found out what my EX wife's psychological issues are:

She was a cheating W---.

You do want closure. I don't think you will ever get it. I don't expect to get it from my EX. She never apologized. She has hurt our kids so much so that my two oldest dont want to be with her any more at all.

I understand you want that 'I'm sorry for hurting you, i was such a fool... sob sob' crap. Even if you get it could you believe it was real or will you always think she is probably playing you like she did when you were married.

Put your cowboy boots on and realize your self worth comes from inside and you don't need a cheating W- to validate your worth.

You will go and it will ease her pain and she will get closure in her twisted sense and you will still be wondering. You are still in this place of 'I'm not sure' because you don't know who you are. You are you with or without her. Figure out who 'you' is and move on... or go see her realize you will one day be a man when you grow up and ask her permission to see this new girl in your life.

Your new girl wants a man. You should have realized that along the way. I doubt she knows you are on here pining whether or not you should see your EXW because you have separation anxiety or some crap. Tell her about this thread and I bet your new girl will dump you in 3 seconds flat.

Your new girl doesn't deserve this drama and neither do you. I suggest you realize who you are and stop being beholden to a woman who cuckolded you and dumped you and treated you like you were some used toilet paper that she scraped off her shoe.

Just my $.02
 
#116 ·
I found out what my EX wife's psychological issues are:

Put your cowboy boots on and realize your self worth comes from inside and you don't need a cheating W- to validate your worth.
This hits home with me. My self worth should come from the fact that i'm attractive and have a great build, I'm an accomplished lawyer, I treat people kindly and fair, I don't lie and cheat, and I respect others.

I shouldn't want to have to hear her explanation.. only to build my self worth back up.
 
#111 ·
TTB

You have gotten lots of advice so I thought I would chime in.

Do you still have questions??? Do you really want answers???

If you do then go meet her. You just have to realize you might not get any answers at all.

If you think the meeting will set you back then do not go.

It really is as simple as that.

If you decide to go you pick the restaurant.

Be on time and give yourself 90 minutes with your Ex.

Let your GF know where you are and whom you are with.

Ask her to meet you there in the lobby 90 minutes after your reservation.

Tell your Ex good bye and you sincerely hope she finds happiness in her life.

Then move on and do not give her another thought.

Because your Ex is like mine. They will most likely never find happiness in their lives because they will never be happy just with themselves.

I hope you get the closure you seek either way.

HM64

PS
The key is never looking back.
 
#114 ·
An interesting snip from a website regarding bipolar/narcissist:

As opposed to narcissists, bipolars regret their misdeeds following the manic phase and try to atone for their actions. They realize and accept that "something is wrong with them" and seek help. During the depressive phase they are ego-dystonic and their defenses are autoplastic (they blame themselves for their defeats, failures, and mishaps).

At the end, my ex told me that if you're in the right relationship, the "honeymoon phase" never wears off. I believe she does have an idealize sense of what a relationship is.

In the end too, she bought a really expensive car, and stated "i'm used to getting what I want". Talk about entitlement. I never saw any of this when we dated.

Looking back at her history, (and speaking with her ex prior to me) there was pattern of overlapping relationships. She seems to have multiple men in the hopper at once.
 
#130 ·
At the end, my ex told me that if you're in the right relationship, the "honeymoon phase" never wears off. I believe she does have an idealize sense of what a relationship is.
That's one of more naive things I've heard in a while. She probably knew better and was just trying to justify her actions.
 
#118 ·
I know and she knows there is something wrong with her. She told me upon leaving me that she will be continuing her counselling sessions at her new location. I know she wants to figure herself out.. I don't feel that she really went out an seeked an affair. It more just happened and she was impulsive.. Before long she was hooked.

Now what if she is diagnosed bipolar since last time I saw her? Shouldn't I be there for her to at least tell me about it? If this is something she can't really control or didn't know why she does the things she does, should'nt I at least listen to what she has to say?

I'm still thinking an email "unless you have something to discuss..." is the way to go..
 
#119 ·
Sorry, I still love the answer (and you can be upbeat and friendly like you'd be happy to see her)

"Sure, do you mind if I bring someone along?"

And then bring a hot date like there's absolutely nothing wrong or uncomfortable...DAMN!! That would knock her for a major loop.
 
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