Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Contacted by exwife for dinner. Yes? No? HELP

59K views 238 replies 82 participants last post by  Acabado 
#1 · (Edited)
Long story short:
Me: 34
her: 30

My original posting: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64546-new-here-my-story.html

Total relationship length: 4.5 years
Married less than a year.

After about a year of marriage, she announced she wanted out. Unhappy, etc. Found out she had be involved in at least a EA with a MM in a different state. Had been going on prior to me proposing and all thru the marriage. Divorce was final in Dec 12. Only married for that short year. I treated her great, but apparently she couldn't control herself.

I haven't had communication with her since January. Just the other day, out of the blue she emails that she's going to be in town and wants to know if I want to get dinner.

I know she's still in contact with MM. I doubt she wants to get back together, nor would I.

My brain says: F her! No dinner. She can rot in hell.
My heart says: I still love her and see this as a possiblity to get some answers of which I never got.

I basically found out all this thru her cell phone and all the calling going on through the past two years to MM. She even emailed him on our honeymoon how much she missed him.

She rug swept him of course and said JUST FRIENDs. I'm not an idiot.

THoughts?
 
See less See more
#124 ·
Trying, the volume of responses to your initial query indicate the strongly felt emotions on this subject of meeting with an ex, particularly one who cheated. No doubt we each bring our own feelings based on personal experiences and beliefs to this very emotional issue.
I was among those early on who suggested you go with your brain ( no dinner) than our heart ( dinner ).
You mentioned your current counselor has advised you to go to the dinner.
This forum is an excellent peer sharing place. Yet it is limited to brief text only messages from a largely anonymous population. None have the advantage of being there in your environment, face-to-face, knowing the full history, having the benefit of the richness of real personal interaction.
In weighing the advice you've been given, I'd give greater consideration to your counselor.
Good luck with your decision whichever way you go.
 
#125 ·
Great advices, but really some of you need to drop the snarky "attorney" jokes. I'm damn good at my job. This ISN'T about representing the buyer of real estate or defending a criminal (cough cough). So lay off that arena.

I may also add a little helpful timeline:

Exwife goes to see the counsellor I"m seeing now for 2 sessions. Didn't like her and left to see another. The other counsellor is notoriously bad. I'll just leave it at that.

When I found all this out at the end (about her seeing counsellors) I asked why she left first one. She said she didn't like her. NOW, this first counsellor (the one i'm seeing now) has a great rep in the area as the one you want to see. SO, i'm deducing that first counsellor told ex something she didn't want to hear.

Reason I picked first counsellor as my own was an attempt to fish for any sort of answers from her, albeit knowing the formalities of confidentiality.
 
#128 ·
This has nothing to do with the situation.

She moved. She is seeing another counselor.

You have no idea about her motives. You have a lot to lose.

You still want to go.

So go.
 
#126 ·
I wouldn’t waste my time. Seriously, what are you going to get out of it – answers to questions that don’t matter anymore?

Besides, the woman sounds like the type that gets self-worth and satisfaction from being desired by lots of men. If you still have feelings for her, and you say you do, she will sense that and play you for years to come.
 
#129 ·
Do not freaking go. No way.
And no you do not owe her support or anything. She is not your friend.

Again. She is not even a friend to you.

She is a person who lied betrayed and did it all without guilt. None. The whole her saying she wants to fix herself is a way to really say that if in the unlikely situation where she did anything wrong it wasn't he fault because there is something not working in her.

It's all a ruse.

She'll be the same lying selfish person you got rid of.

Either say no. Or. Say yes and stand her up by taking your new person out for a great night
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#132 ·
Good luck with whatever decision you make.
Your comment reinforces my suggestion that this text only form of interaction leaves much to be desired. It is so easy to mis-state and misinterpret meanings from words alone.
Your earlier post concerning your counselor's advice was in part, "My counselor who I saw today (who is excellent) says to go. She says the nightmare i'm living can't get much worse, and I can only MAYBE find a little more closure."
Hence, the confusion.
 
#140 ·
I would go. My couriosity would be killing me. Dinner only and let her know you are going out on a date with your grilfriend when you leave her.

Put on your best and leave her with something to remember. Whether she is bipolar or what ever, she is just someone you used to know. Someone you can't trust or depend on.
 
#141 · (Edited)
Not sure my advice is welcome on this thread but DON'T GO and if you do respond to her email, make it a two word reply like "not interested".

You are reading way too much into her dinner invitation and giving her way too much credit for even hoping she'll give you any satisfying answers.

All she wants is the ego boost of knowing she still has a hold over you. IGNORE HER. The best way to make her understand that what she did is inexcusable is not to fall for this "let's put it behind us and be friendly" trap.

If you agree to see her again after what she's put you through, the level of disrespect and lack of consideration for your feelings, she will think all is forgiven and she'll be able to move on with her life with a clear conscience. That's what it does to stay friendly with someone who's treated you like crap.

You give THEM closure, and you end up more hurt than ever because the very fact that you are willing to see them again sends the message that what they did is not bad enough to permanently push you away.

Not sure I am explaining my point very clearly but simply put: if you meet her for dinner, she wins. You lose. She gains closure, an ego boost, the validation that she is important enough to have a way in your life whenever she feels like it. Her email also makes it sound like she really is only looking for someone to enjoy her evening with while she's in town. Like she's just throwing it out there to see if you'll bite. If not, no biggie she'll make other plans.

You'll be disappointed if you go hoping she will suddenly say everything you want to hear. Don't read too much into her intentions, you'll only make her feel good about herself by giving her more attention.

Stay strong, ignore her. She didn't care about hurting your feelings when she left you, remember that.
 
#143 ·
Lots of advise on this thread is to do something that will adversely affect her in some way

- bring a date
- don't show up
- make her pay
- do other things to hurt her somehow

When you hold onto the anger you are only hurting yourself!

Rather than lashing out, put her behind you. She's in your past.

Let it go, let her go.

She's of no value to you any more and the only thing she has to offer you is more pain.
 
#154 ·
The person who invites gets to pay. And if she walks away with just a large dinner bill, she still making out on the deal. She lost some cash. He lost his heart.
 
#149 · (Edited)
So I just had a lovely trigger:

It's raining here. I remembered back to when i'd be talking to ex on the phone while she was driving whereever, usually to the airport for traveling, and she'd quite regularly exit our call because it was pouring out and she needed to pay attention to the road. Or it was dark out and she needed to concentrate. Or it was snowing. Or she was merging into traffic. It was always something.

I'm just positive she was getting a call-in by OM. It just happened with too much regularity to be anything but.


I"m pretty sure i'm not going. F*ck her.
 
#158 ·
Do you think if she had to shell out the cash to pay for it, would she have invited you?

I met my first WXW who I had not seen for twenty years back in January this year. We did end up sleeping with each other that night. I came close to rekindling our relationship, but fortunately the good people here at TAM warned me off. I'm glad I followed through, because I divorced her because she was a serial cheater. Even though she has worked on her issues through the years, it would have been too great a risk to get back with her.

However, I did finally get the apology and expression of remorse that I had been waiting over twenty years for. I did get some closure and it allowed me to put away alot of the animosity I had been carrying for her those two decades. I feel much better now.

Maybe your WXW wants to apologize. Maybe it will be worth meeting her.

Just do not sleep with her. That is a trap you need to avoid.
 
#160 ·
My thoughts: NO

Your emotional health/well-being can he heavily influenced by the people around you. Now why would you allow someone you know to be toxic back into your life to pollute your emotional health? No need to play games. No need to "bring a date". No need to hurt her. No need to go.
 
#166 ·
I'm trying to really think about how an apology would actually affect me if I received one. I think it would do a lot of good. Like most BS, I have some guilt as to what my role was in this whole thing. Not enough hand holding, not enough "I love yous" etc etc. I mostly know this is insane thinking, but you all know the thought process.

If I knew up front what she actually wants to meet about, whether it just be a casual dinner with an old friend type of meeting, or that she wants to apologize (or she has knowledge of me dating and wants to ruin it), my decision to meet would be easier.

Even if I do write back asking for a "why do you want to meet" she may just lie about the reason.

I must admit though... she's a REAL beauty. Gorgeous woman. There is part of me that want's one last up to bat. (H bonding?)
 
#168 ·
I'm trying to really think about how an apology would actually affect me if I received one. I think it would do a lot of good. Like most BS, I have some guilt as to what my role was in this whole thing. Not enough hand holding, not enough "I love yous" etc etc. I mostly know this is insane thinking, but you all know the thought process.
Yes, it's insane thinking

If I knew up front what she actually wants to meet about, whether it just be a casual dinner with an old friend type of meeting, or that she wants to apologize (or she has knowledge of me dating and wants to ruin it), my decision to meet would be easier.
What if she wants to waive her new engagement ring under your nose and say how she forgives you for how you mistreated her?

I must admit though... she's a REAL beauty. Gorgeous woman. There is part of me that want's one last up to bat. (H bonding?)
Oh gawd, quit thinking with your ****.
 
#175 ·
I'm still waiting to hear back from my cousin whom ex had contacted. I want to know exactly what was said. It will give me greater insight as to WHY she wants to meet.

My thought is that ex is trying to see just how much my family members know about the REAL reason we divorced (affair). I originally told ex that I didn't tell my family about it.. and that I just told them Ex was unhappy and wanted out. Obviously my family really knows the truth though.

If ex is fishing for THAT info, which might be the case, I would wager OM dumped her and she's looking at her options, hence a dinner.
 
#183 ·
I'm still waiting to hear back from my cousin whom ex had contacted. I want to know exactly what was said. It will give me greater insight as to WHY she wants to meet.
No it won't. You just complained that she kept their contact secret. Now, you suddenly expect something that will help? You'll get a hedged story that will benefit your ex.

Just go and quit hurting your other relationships. You'll end up with no cousin and a wife you still want.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top