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Contacted by exwife for dinner. Yes? No? HELP

59K views 238 replies 82 participants last post by  Acabado 
#1 · (Edited)
Long story short:
Me: 34
her: 30

My original posting: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64546-new-here-my-story.html

Total relationship length: 4.5 years
Married less than a year.

After about a year of marriage, she announced she wanted out. Unhappy, etc. Found out she had be involved in at least a EA with a MM in a different state. Had been going on prior to me proposing and all thru the marriage. Divorce was final in Dec 12. Only married for that short year. I treated her great, but apparently she couldn't control herself.

I haven't had communication with her since January. Just the other day, out of the blue she emails that she's going to be in town and wants to know if I want to get dinner.

I know she's still in contact with MM. I doubt she wants to get back together, nor would I.

My brain says: F her! No dinner. She can rot in hell.
My heart says: I still love her and see this as a possiblity to get some answers of which I never got.

I basically found out all this thru her cell phone and all the calling going on through the past two years to MM. She even emailed him on our honeymoon how much she missed him.

She rug swept him of course and said JUST FRIENDs. I'm not an idiot.

THoughts?
 
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#178 ·
NO!

This is a really bad idea. Please do not go.

If you want to "stick it to her" or show her you've moved on, I can tell you the best way to do that is to ignore her e-mail. ANY other reply signifies you're still interested and/or she still has power over you.
 
#181 ·
There's a reason people are exes. We don't go back and pick through the trash once it's made it to the dump.

Keep your eyes forward - keep moving in that direction.

There are no answers to be offered that will ever make sense. You know that but she's appealing to that old you that loved her.
 
#182 ·
:iagree:
TCSRedhead, no doubt it people have accidentally thrown out valuable things in the trash and then debated whether to go and root about in the stench. For a record collection or saxophone, I could see it, but if the lost item were a wedding ring, most would agree it better to just buy new one.

In this case the ex is simply looking entertainment and affirmation.
 
#185 ·
Honestly, you managed some semblance of moving on with your life, now you want to get dragged back to point zero again.
Emotions..wow, it' like getting kicked in the nuts, letting the pain subside then asking to be kicked in the nuts again...for "closure"

You won't get your closure, she'll most likely go back to him and you'll be left trying to put back the band aid over that freshly healed torn wound that took so long to heal.
 
#187 ·
Shouldn't I face the demon now that I have the chance though? Tell her what I think of her etc? Hear what she has to say?

I've been in limbo since she left. She said she was unhappy but things weren't bad at all. I'm trying to figure out if her being unhappy was because of the affair or really me. Maybe I can get this answer. Maybe lies. But don't I have to try for my own sanity?
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#201 ·
So talked with cousin. Ex contacted her the day after her invite to dinner.
Basically it started with how's the family doing. Give your parents a hug from me. Then cousin says she (cousin) misses ex (I know I know) at family functions. Ex responds I really did love ex husband (me) but we grew apart. (Affair doesn't help, right?!)



That was about it.
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#210 ·
This is scary news for you Samsung. Notice how she didn't actually take blame for anything. She gave you half of it.

You're still hung up on her and if she's not done with you yet and she comes back, she has no reason not to repeat the cycle. The new-nest and happiness of a second chance will be the reward for all she's done. That's the definition of rewarding bad behavior.
 
#204 ·
It does tend to be a mix of various disorders but with one in particular a bit more intensive.

It is quite shocking to see once it's established how obviously their behaviors fit certain clinically known patterns

Quite remarkable

btw well done on the choice. You're salvaging your future there:smthumbup:
 
#205 ·
I have both ADHD and I am bipolar. ADHD is the dog in up who has a hard time keeping attention... 'squirrel'

Bipolar - My moods change and I cannot help it. I can be happy and there can be an undertone of depression or anger and I know it's just my brain acting the way it does so I wait for it to pass...

Funny though, none of those things made me cheat... I was always loyal to my EX. Don't look for excuses for someone on why they cheated or did bad things. The right answer is probably the most obvious. I just don't think you want to face that. Your EX was a cheater and thought you weren't worth her time. She did really bad things to you because under it all, she is selfish.

Move on. There are plenty of wonderful women out there
 
#206 ·
I guess I'm not looking for excuses just more the possibility that there is something more going on.

I've read a lot about the hyper sexuality that occurs during mania. Also the spending etc. it's all there.

I wonder if anyone could chime in who is diagnosed bipolar who has experienced looking for an affair.
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#209 ·
TTB, really it hasn't been that long since you were cheated on by and divorced your XW. You still love her. I know you do. Heck I've been divorced from my XW since '96 and I still love her. She put me through the ringer and ripped my heart out, but I know I still love her, on some level. I tried to hate her back then, but I just coudn't make it stick.

We've had to stay in contact due to our Daughter, so it was probably for the best that I didn't hate her anyway. I also know, that if we had dinner tonight, it would not be the start, or finish to anything. It would just be dinner. I did pine for her for a while after out D, but I got over that when I realized I pining more for the lost marriage then just her.

For you on the other hand it's different. The pain is still fresh and you still love her, far more than you probably would like to.

If you go on this dinner, don't expect closure, don't expect her to be trying to rekindle your relationship and don't expect to leave that restaurant feeling any better about your XW's affair, your divorce, or your XW. It's very doubtful that you'll leave there feeling better about anything.

I think you realize this already, but you still want to go. If you do end up going. Just prepare yourself for some more pain. Your XW probably has no intentions of hurting you again, but it's what's going to end up happening anyway. She may just want to catch up on things. Who knows, maybe she want's to give you a heart felt apology about what she did to you.

What ever the reason is that she want's to meet with you, you have to realize that you are going to be in pain when it's all said in done. There's no way around this.
 
#212 · (Edited)
Ex thinks my family thinks the divorce was based on her being unhappy. She's not aware that anyone knows of the affair.


Yes I want to see her. Yes I want her back.These feelings are probably normal, albeit irrational. But I know this is not someone I should be with. I'm not going nor responding.
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#213 ·
Ex thinks my family thinks the divorce was based on her being unhappy. She's not aware that anyone knows of the affair.


Yes I want to see her. Yes I want her back.These feelings are probably normal, albeit irrational. But I know this is not someone I should be with. I'm not going nor responding.
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Good - this is the first step in starting to protect YOUR heart. You've been badly abused and it's going to take time to heal.

Her actions and behaviors (even now) are continuing to be abusive and lack any sense that she'd give you the information and closure you'd desperately want as an outcome.
 
#216 ·
Yeah I'm having some issues with my cousin. She always saw ex as the sister she never had. My family is somewhat baffled as to why there is still the VERY random text or message.

Going to happy hour with a sexy 24 year old at a Mexican restaurant tonight. She's 10 years younger than I. I need to be present and not think of this vile ex of mine.
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#217 ·
TTB, you said that you would not reply to, or meet your XW for dinner. I know it was a tough choice to make. I think it is the right choice, for now anyway. I felt a long time ago, like you are feeling right now. Believe me, this is the right choice.

If she really want's to talk, or meet with you, she will keep trying. If this is the case, she might actually tell you in advance what she want's to talk to/see you about. I'm guessing her wanting to meet with you is for her benifit, not yours. Continue to put yourself and your needs before her's and you'll be much better off.

I would be interested in hearing if she tries contacting you agian in the future. Take care.
 
#221 ·
Well she came and left. I never responded to her email. I did see her drive by my house though. Pretty sure.

Why do I feel like crap now? Is it bc I feel that if she really wanted to see me she woulda found a way but didn't?

Will I ever hear from her again?

Sad over here today.
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#222 ·
I imagine it is two part.

One part of you, wanted to show her what she lost. What she gave up by being a cheating sloot. And you wanted to rub it in her face that you were still desirable, still wanted, and could still get women that wanted you. But you choose to not do that, but instead, just ignore her. You choose to hold your hand, and do nothing. Probably the wisest decision out of the ones you had.

And second part, is deep down, you were hoping she would fight for you. That she would come by, and say how much she messed up her life, and how she misses you, and wishes she hadn't done what she did, and how she is such an idiot, and how she wants her husband, her ex-husband, back, and how she would give an arm and leg to have you back. And you were hoping that from this, you could maybe get closure on the affair, and figure everything out.

Instead, all you got was nothing.

Perhaps it is better that way.
Better to have nothing done to you to make you question yourself further, than to have it the opposite.
 
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