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Contacted by exwife for dinner. Yes? No? HELP

59K views 238 replies 82 participants last post by  Acabado 
#1 · (Edited)
Long story short:
Me: 34
her: 30

My original posting: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64546-new-here-my-story.html

Total relationship length: 4.5 years
Married less than a year.

After about a year of marriage, she announced she wanted out. Unhappy, etc. Found out she had be involved in at least a EA with a MM in a different state. Had been going on prior to me proposing and all thru the marriage. Divorce was final in Dec 12. Only married for that short year. I treated her great, but apparently she couldn't control herself.

I haven't had communication with her since January. Just the other day, out of the blue she emails that she's going to be in town and wants to know if I want to get dinner.

I know she's still in contact with MM. I doubt she wants to get back together, nor would I.

My brain says: F her! No dinner. She can rot in hell.
My heart says: I still love her and see this as a possiblity to get some answers of which I never got.

I basically found out all this thru her cell phone and all the calling going on through the past two years to MM. She even emailed him on our honeymoon how much she missed him.

She rug swept him of course and said JUST FRIENDs. I'm not an idiot.

THoughts?
 
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#5 ·
Long story short:
Me: 34
her: 30

Total relationship length: 4.5 years
Married less than a year.

After about a year of marriage, she announced she wanted out. Unhappy, etc. Found out she had be involved in at least a EA with a MM in a different state. Had been going on prior to me proposing and all thru the marriage. Divorce was final in Dec 12. Only married for that short year. I treated her great, but apparently she couldn't control herself.

I haven't had communication with her since January. Just the other day, out of the blue she emails that she's going to be in town and wants to know if I want to get dinner.

I know she's still in contact with MM. I doubt she wants to get back together, nor would I.

My brain says: F her! No dinner. She can rot in hell.
My heart says: I still love her and see this as a possiblity to get some answers of which I never got.

I basically found out all this thru her cell phone and all the calling going on through the past two years to MM. She even emailed him on our honeymoon how much she missed him.

She rug swept him of course and said JUST FRIENDs. I'm not an idiot.

THoughts?
Don't go.
 
#9 ·
Ok, going to spell this out very clearly:
She cheated on your honeymoon with this guy. The EA was active during your honeymoon. YOUR HONEYMOON!

So, if she could do this during your honeymoon, (when you should be on your honeymoon phase) she can do this when she is dating you.

Listen, I understand how you feel. Do I ever.

But listen to me right now.
NO!

She is dangerous. She is either looking for a free dinner, or to use your emotions to her advantage. Look nice, go out to dinner, and then sweep you up in her good lucks and play you.

You may love her.
But it is not returned. And that is why I am saying to NOT contact her. She doesn't love you, and has shown an ability to cheat and lie during a honeymoon.

Don't open yourself up to get hurt again with this pathetic email.

If she sent you an email, saying something along the lines of:
She royally messed up, is so sorry, still loves you, is so angry with herself, wants to make it up to you, is willing to wait, and will love you like you deserve it, then you would have people arguing on this thread.
But because she was wanting to just go out to dinner, she is looking for a free meal.
 
#10 · (Edited)
Do whatever you want to do. There really is not right or wrong here. Yes she hurt you and I think that conversing with your ex atleast might help you get past feelings you have for her then again it could drum everything back up. But I can't be in your head to tell you this is a good idea or not. Hell she could be trying to lure you into bed. who knows all you have to do now is make the choice. Shunning your exwife won't make things better.
You have no attachments to this woman anymore other than your past. You don't plan on dating her, nor do you have any plans to get back with her. As long as you can keep your head on straight and not get tempted back into a relationship why not. LOL sleep with her and then don't ever call her back. Lets see how she likes that.
 
#11 ·
Do whatever you want to do. There really is not right or wrong here. Yes she hurt you and I think that conversing with your ex atleast might help you get past feelings you have for her then again it could drum everything back up. But I can't be in your head to tell you this is a good idea or not. Hell she could be trying to lure you into bed. who knows all you have to do now is make the choice. Shunning your exwife won't make things better.
You have no attachments to this woman anymore other than your past. You don't plan on dating her, nor do you have any plans to get back with her. As long as you can keep your head on straight and not get tempted back into a relationship why not. LOL sleep with her and then don't ever call her back.
I disagree.

There is a right answer. And that is: DON'T DO IT!!

Make her dead to you.

If it wasn't for my kids, I would never see my ex's face again.

There'll be no closure at dinner. Instead, you will be engulfed in a sea of emotions and she will use that to her advantage.

Ask yourself, what does she want?

Definitely, not the same things that you want.

Don't get sucked back in. She was in contact with him on YOUR honeymoon for heaven's sake.
 
#13 ·
I would go. Better if it was a lunch, but go. My brother met his ex for lunch and she answered a lot of his questions. They met with neither of them having any expectation of even trying to get back together. More importantly, she admitted that he was a great husband and that it was all her fault. First time she showed real remorse and apologized. He never saw her again, and they have not been in contact since. It really help him heal.
 
#14 ·
Thanks everyone for the advice. Mostly my family tells me the same.

My counselor who I saw today (who is excellent) says to go. She says the nightmare i'm living can't get much worse, and I can only MAYBE find a little more closure.

I've lost about 35 pounds and look amazing right now. Have always lifted weights, but cutting down makes all the difference. Part of me wants to show her what she gave up. I know.. ego.. but you all know where i'm at.

I also never received an apology from her. Nothing. She basically just left and moved 1500 miles away. I was blindsided.
 
#16 ·
Thanks everyone for the advice. Mostly my family tells me the same.

My counselor who I saw today (who is excellent) says to go. She says the nightmare i'm living can't get much worse, and I can only MAYBE find a little more closure.
I've lost about 35 pounds and look amazing right now. Have always lifted weights, but cutting down makes all the difference. Part of me wants to show her what she gave up. I know.. ego.. but you all know where i'm at.

I also never received an apology from her. Nothing. She basically just left and moved 1500 miles away. I was blindsided.
Trust me.

You think the nightmare can never get worse.
But life can always disagree.

My 31st birthday involved a failing liver, hurting kidneys, and a fried endocrine system. But my mind was at least sane.

Right now, coming up near my 32nd birthday in less than 2 months, I am still dealing with a scarred liver, my kidneys didn't full heal, and I feel like I am going insane.

Trust me, the nightmare can ALWAYS get worse. Never think it can't.


But if you want to show her what she gave up, tell her to meet you for lunch. If she can't, tell her you got plans with your friends to go out to eat somewhere, but you can meet up for coffee or gelato or whatever after dinner. See what her response is. I understand, the ego needs to show off. I can never fault someone for that. Show her what she gave up, and let her see what she is missing out.
But DON'T go for drinks. Alcohol and an Ex are NEVER a good mix.
 
#15 ·
I doubt she wants to get back together, nor would I.
I wonder about this statement. It sounds like you are in self denial.

If you really aren't looking to get back together then why would you even wonder if she wants to get back together?

Meeting her will set you back.

Nothing to be gained, you aren't going to get any answers, just forget it and move on with your life.
 
#18 ·
I just wish I knew WHY she wanted to do dinner. Does she want to apologize? Is she indifferent about me and there really is no real reason?

I thought about responding " unless there is something you feel you need to talk about, i'm not interested."

This way maybe she will respond with "I want to apologize" or the like.


If you could bottle up all the insanity that comes from divorce/infidelity, and use it as a weapon, what a powerful device that would be.
 
#21 ·
Then call her or email her, and ask, WHY she wants to go out to dinner. Why you should waste 45 minutes of your life with a cheating lying dirty wife, that stabbed him once. Why you should go somewhere you may not want to go, or spend your time with someone you may not like.

You should probably be nicer than the way I put it, but you need to know what you are getting into.
This is could be:
Her attempt at a free dinner
Her falling back on her plan B option since it didn't work with her AP...
Her attempt to say she is truly sorry and wants to make up for it
Her trying to keep you on the back burner, but not letting you fully move on. Keeps you in limbo, and you in her back pocket.


Find out what you are getting into BEFORE you agree to this man. You don't want old wounds to be reopened and rehashed.
 
#20 ·
You probably feel differently, but after what she put you through--how could any apology come close to making you feel even the tiniest bit better?

I was in a somewhat similar situation. Got an over-the-top, tear-stained email 6mos after she split. All it did was remind me of how hurt I was, and that just because she was "so so sorry" that didn't mean she wasn't happier with another guy(s). Only thing that worked was moving on and treating my time with her as a bad dream from which I thankfully awoke.
 
#23 ·
Go for a ONS. I know that might sound wrong, but hey, why not. You're single, she's single (?)

Don't play her game, play your game.

If you don't want a ONS then I wouldn't go. That's probably what it'll turn into.

Id also only do it if she pays for dinner. (and buys the raincoat)

If you're still emotional about it id ask her why. If she says closure, I'd like to talk whatever then feel free to go, just leave your feelings at home.

If im speaking out of turn I apologize. I'm just giving my opinion.
 
#28 ·
I just wish I knew WHY she wanted to do dinner. Does she want to apologize? Is she indifferent about me and there really is no real reason?

I thought about responding " unless there is something you feel you need to talk about, i'm not interested."

This way maybe she will respond with "I want to apologize" or the like.
Realistically, what are the CHANCES that she actually WANTS to answer your questions honestly? Because she's NEVER been honest to you for a SINGLE DAY since she met you!

It's not like she CONFESSED to this whole mess and apologized.
It's not like she EVER admitted to any wrong doing.
So *WHY* would she say things NOW that make her look lying a lying, cheating adulteress? Because YOU'D like her to?!?

You found out surreptitiously THROUGH HER CELL PHONE.
Not her being honest.
She left town and moved 1500 miles away.
Without being honest.
Now she'll be back in town for a couple days and wants to have dinner.
To apologize? To be honest? Yeah, right!

More likely, dinner will be more her-her-her-her-her! Her family, her career, her friends, her health. You know....HER!

If she did not SPECIFICALLY TELL YOU in the email that she wanted to APOLOGIZE and ANSWER any questions you had, then don't be so willing to believe that *THAT* would be on *HER* agenda....it's only on yours!

Admitting, apologizing, answering questions would mean she has spent the last few months working diligently on herself. Admitting her failings, her unfairness, her skeeziness. How likely is THAT?

Answer her email, "Not interested." That's it. Two words. Gets the point across!

Then make sure her email address is eliminated from your Send To file so that your email now views her email address as an unrecognizable 'junk mail' address that now goes straight to the trash.

I think your therapist could not be MORE WRONG!

...NOT because you need/would like closure, you DO.

...but because YOUR EX is NOT gonna give it to you; she'll just make you feel like shyt because you'll hate EVERYTHING about this new encounter. You'll have an expectation of answers and satisfaction and end up with NOTHING. Nothing good.
 
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