Re: Long term emotional affair or just friends?
He's been cake-eating throughout your entire marriage and only now may be starting to see what he has to lose. It's a huge ego boost for him to have two women want him, so he wouldn't give up the OW unless you looked like it was a true dealbreaker.
The problem is that he has done this for so long & you have put up with it and this may have destroyed your feelings for him and your future together.
He can repair this if he takes real ownership and does what he has to do to keep you in the marriage. This means, number one, that he truly give up this OW.
After all these years, he probably won't do it, though. What he will do is go completely underground with it. He will start a new, secret e-mail account and let her know that his W is 'overly sensitive' to their 'friendship' and that they can continue their relationship on the down low so that the W's feelings aren't hurt.
This is the normal course - sadly.
In my opinion, if you want any chance at all - and it's not clear from what you write that you do - you have to take drastic action. As they say, be willing to lose it in order to save it. Tell him you are done, that a marriage of three people for 20+ years is as much as you will do.
And please stop doubting yourself, telling yourself that you are overreacting. You are not. This is the problem with EA's. They are harder to put your finger on, but they wreak havoc. Call a spade a spade. Your H's behavior has been way out of line with this for the length of your M.
If you take a hard line now, you may - finally - shake him into doing what he should have done years ago. I believe that without a split-up, he will just manage you and keep his contact with his ex.