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Trying to stop my wifes affair an save my marriage

66K views 270 replies 56 participants last post by  The bishop 
#1 ·
I have been married 14 years to my wife and best friend. We have had the usual problems finances shared houhold duties etc. we have always has a great sex life which has resulted in 3 beutiful boys. We have always been open and honest and maybe to a fault. Here is where the problem has come from, as i said we have always had a great sexlife so one night we were talking and she told me she had always wanted a threeaome with another man. Recently we went on a work/vacation trip and like an idiot i suggesdted this was the perfect chance for it. So we posted onCL but had no luck, when we got home she posted on our localCL and after a few replies picked out the lucky guy. We set a date foe a few weekends later the next weekend i had some training for Cub Scouts when i returned home on sunday i found out they had been talking all weekend. Now it has turned into an affair they have met for sex and she constantly talks to him via facebook, email and phone when im not around. I want this to end and save my marriage i love my wife and am not ready or willing to throw away 14 years over this she says she still loves me and isnt sure what she wants any advice would be greatfuly welcome
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#41 ·
Maybe you THOUGHT you both have always been honest. But the fact that she went ahead and started having sex with a complete stranger without you there belies her honesty.

She is taking advantage of your good nature. She's lost respect for you and now you can not trust what she says. That's not how marriage works.

Tell her to leave or drop doofus. Tell her to go with you to MC AFTER she drops doofus or you will go to a lawyer.

Say it and mean it! Don't make deals with her, don't beg, or cry. You are the head of your household and family. Take charge of your life. You either have a wife who is committed to you, faithful to you, and honest with you or you don't have a wife but a callous parasite for a roommate.
 
#42 ·
Honestly I think filing for divorce followed quickly by exposure is the best bet at breaking up an affair. Let's the WS know you're serious, more likely to snap them out of the fog and kill the affair, and you can always withdraw the petition (although don't be quick to do so until you're sure the affair hasn't just moved underground and you're in a false reconcilliation).

Anyway just my 2 cents. Your wife most likely isn't going to take any verbal threats of yours seriously. When it comes to breaking up an affair, actions always speak louder than words. Which most WS in the fog don't listen to anyway.
 
#43 ·
SIDE BAR....

People - this Puritanistic view isn't helpful to the OP. Guess what? There are millions of people who engage in swinging who are good people. As a matter of fact, I just for the hell of it went to a couple swinging forums to search for infidelity and cheating. They DO NOT condone such. As a matter of fact, it would seem that they have the most open and honest communication as well as strong boundaries in their relationships.

While I understand we all might not necessarily agree with their choice of lifestyle, let's not throw OUR sh-t onto them. They don't approve of cheating either.
 
#45 ·
Man you don't need a family intervention. Think hard about your boundaires and enforce them: TODAY.

NC letter to OM paroved by you, sent in your presence.
Complete transparence for now on.
Full disclosure of her affair/old transgressions.
__ insert here whatever rule you migh think.

... or D.

No time to think, not confused, no trials, not barganing.
If she doesn't agree and immediately aplies the rules you file for divorce. Period.

It's hard but very simple.
 
#46 ·
Gotta disagree, Somedig...

According to Merriam-Webster,

Adultery - voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband

Doesn't matter if it is condoned or the spouse is right there in the same room, it is going outside of the marriage and that is adultery.

My wife and I have been pursued by swingers and they can also be as predatory as it gets.
 
#48 ·
Brother...then they ain't true lifestyle swingers. I've got some good friends who are into that lifestyle. One guy is a Colonel in the armed forces, another is a CEO of a pretty big local company. Both of them do a lot for the community and do charity work. I've talked to them, especially in light of Regret's affair. I asked them about it in their lifestyle and way of thinking. Both of them said it's not what swinging is about. Infidelity, to them, is going ahead and doing stuff without their mate's approval. Annnd...drumroll...when they heard about Regret they never offered or chased or pursued us to join their lifestyle. They are good friends.

While I can understand the dictionary definition of adultery, it just isn't theirs. Don't get me wrong - there's no way in HELL that I'd get into that lifestyle and sharing Regret with ANYONE!

But, I would be willing to bet the people who preyed on you and your wife would not be welcome in a "normal" swingers circle. It sucks that was your experience with people claiming to be swingers. Like I said, my friends are pretty cool and don't flaunt their sh-t in anyone's faces.
 
#47 ·
This guy has had a history in the swinging lifestyle before and predetory you bet if any thing she tells me can be believed she has told him it would not be ongoing or long term and he has told her hewould not stop persuing heisnot married so i really dont have any thing to threaten him with
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#50 ·
Now this, Dave...THIS I can believe 100%. (the predator part) How can a single guy be a swinger?!

Now, Edward...if this f'er says he's not gonna stop pursuing her, well - I don't condone violence, however I don't think I'd let some smarmy f-ck talk like that. He needs a little wake up call.
 
#49 ·
You need to take control. From today forward, it's your duty.
Your three boys are going to get wind of this someday and wonder why you didn't act.

At least do it for your kids. Are they using protection? Probably not. He's doing others too. What if he gives her a disease, and she gives it to you.

There is much long term harm being done - and not just to you.
 
#59 ·
That may be. But unless she is mentally ill, she found it less than satisfactory or else she would have waited for you to be available and she wouldn't have broken the agreement to use condoms.

So that's two boundaries she crossed. You probably had an agreement to not get emotionally entangled. And she obviously has. So, that's three boundaries.

You can't leave it up to her statement that "it won't last". Not at all. She may mean it will be a few weeks or a few months. Maybe a few years? Are you willing to wait. To jeopardize your health, your marriage, your family?

Can you answer this: What are you hoping will happen in the next two days? What are you doing to make it happen? How far are you willing to the the status quo go on?
 
#65 ·
Let's not jump the gun here people...the way I read it on Page 2, he's just going to stay at his nieces - he's not moving out. Now, would it be better for her to go to her parent's house? Yes. However, I think it needs to be stated Edward isn't moving out and shouldn't fear being labled with "abandonment". Especially, if it's agreed on why he's going to stay there for a bit.
 
#74 ·
Edward, I want you to go see your doctor and get tested for thyroid, testosterone and vitamin d. Also get an individual counselor.

Your communications sound passive, and unassertive. You sound like someone who "stuff" happens to. If you don't break out of your passivity, a lot of unfortunate stuff may be happening to you real soon.

Now is the time to be deliberate, active, and decisive. Realize you deserve to be treated fairly, and you should insist on it.
 
#80 ·
I have always been very passive i dont like conflict and always have just kinda gone along that was one of her complaints today when we were talking.
All the more reason to follow carolinadreams advice and get those tests done. It might just be your personality, but it could also be a hormonal & vitamin defeciency. It happens to lots of guys.
 
#81 ·
There are a large percentage of swingers that are weary of 'single men' who are in the lifestyle. The biggest reason is that the balance of power is way off. Unlike another couple, single men have nothing to lose. Alot of couples don't do the single male thing until they've had some experience and have proven to eachother that they can respect the boudaries they've created, and can have sex with other people without becoming attatched.
Anyway, sorry this isn't really about swinging anymore is it?

She stops today or you lawyer up tomorrow. No negotiating.
 
#85 ·
Edward,

I am so sorry you are here. You have been given some good advice above (and some not so great advice). I will give you my thoughts and my best wishes.They begin with you manning up a bit. No man should accept what your wife is doing. (she will CONSIDER counseling?) You have been tolerating this for too long already. If it was me, I would show her the door today. My story is in my signature. Maybe it will help some.

1) Ultimatum is tonight. In a dispassionate but firm voice you need to tell her that it is over. Either with you or with him. Her choice, but you will not be a party to a 3 way marriage. And you need to make it clear that you mean it. Not by yelling or scream and certainly not by pleading. But by being resolved. If you don't, then you are getting what you deserve which is to be a cuckold man.

2)Absolute transparency. EVERY password and account. (And you haven't got a keylogger on the computer already, I'll reach right through this computer and smack you)

3) NC letter written by the both of you and mailed by you with the explicit threat of a stalking charge if he contacts her in any way.

4) You both start MC in the next week. Non-negotiable.

5). You read no more mister nice guy NOW.

6) Head down to Walgreen's and buy a couple of red rubber balls. They will have to do until you find yours.

I personally would tell her parents ASAP and no way would I leave my home.

Good luck
 
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