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Trying to stop my wifes affair an save my marriage

66K views 270 replies 56 participants last post by  The bishop 
#1 ·
I have been married 14 years to my wife and best friend. We have had the usual problems finances shared houhold duties etc. we have always has a great sex life which has resulted in 3 beutiful boys. We have always been open and honest and maybe to a fault. Here is where the problem has come from, as i said we have always had a great sexlife so one night we were talking and she told me she had always wanted a threeaome with another man. Recently we went on a work/vacation trip and like an idiot i suggesdted this was the perfect chance for it. So we posted onCL but had no luck, when we got home she posted on our localCL and after a few replies picked out the lucky guy. We set a date foe a few weekends later the next weekend i had some training for Cub Scouts when i returned home on sunday i found out they had been talking all weekend. Now it has turned into an affair they have met for sex and she constantly talks to him via facebook, email and phone when im not around. I want this to end and save my marriage i love my wife and am not ready or willing to throw away 14 years over this she says she still loves me and isnt sure what she wants any advice would be greatfuly welcome
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#88 ·
I found the simple phrase "This is not acceptable" provided me a lot of clarity - sometimes you need something that simple to focus on.

She needs to stop all contact immediately. After a No Contact letter is sent she needs to get tested for STD's - you must get the results from her as well.

Full access to social media - no deleting texts/emails allowed.

Oh yeah, get a VAR (voice activated recorder) for her car - see if she is talking to him behind your back...

Lastly, do meet with a lawyer to understand what a divorce entails even if she agrees to all your conditions.
 
#91 ·
Good Luck Edward,

If the roles were reversed I doubt that your wife would be accepting you continuing in the marriage and having an affair.

The fact that she did this behind your back and deliberately did not use protection is a clear deal-breaker. Did she have sex with him in your home as well?

I have a hunch she believes that since you were willing to have a 3 some that you would be willing to accept that she will have a lover while in the marriage. Of course this is ridiculous.

Remember: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I believe when she starts to think that you are really serious about divorce she will more than likely come out of the fog. I think telling her parents is a good idea.

The fact again that she would do this with a guy in a swinger lifestyle without protection shows clearly how little respect she has toward you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
 
#93 ·
Don't back off on your boundaires.
If she doesn't agree immediately you ask a day off at work and see a lawyer. That simple.
If she does you still snoop like a hook on her back;
Keyloggers, VARs, spyware on the phone... the whole 9 yards.
And please think with your head, don't sleep with her anyway, until she delivers a clean STD test.
 
#96 ·
If she refuses, fights, and all the other stuff. You might try turning off your cell, walking out of the house and going to the movies for a couple of films. Just enough time to make her wonder if you're coming back.

Maybe that's a bad idea. I'm the newbie here so take what I say with a grain of salt.
 
#97 ·
Edward, if your confrontation has not happened yet, I suggest an alternative.

Drop some bags of clothes and such at her parents. Tell them she has taken a lover and will not agree to give him up, and that you will not allow that situation to continue. You have proposed marriage counselling and she has not agreed. She will need somewhere to stay until she figures herself out. Can she help them out.

Then tell her to go stay at her parents until she can make other arrangements.

You are not prepared to discuss anything until she promises to end the other relationship and at that point the first discussion is how to be sure she is telling the truth.

Unleash serious hell on her to get her to wake up. Heated words in an argument are nowhere near enough.

And you have to fight dirty. She is. Doesn't matter how decent she is normally. Your head is going to spin as you see what she is capable through all this. It just seems to be a common theme with cheating spouses.
 
#99 ·
Edward, I'm sorry about your situation.

There is a range of normal human behavior.

Your wife's behavior is not within that range.

She is not normal. Something is wrong with her.

Almost everyone believes cheating is wrong. Almost everyone hides their cheating. When caught cheating, this is what normal cheaters do:

1. Cry, apologize, and stop cheating.
2. Cry, apologize, and say they're going to stop, but just hide it better.
3. Hesitantly say that they can't decide what they want, ask for a separation and space to figure it out, and keep on cheating, either rationalizing that it's now OK because they're separated or keep hiding it.
4. Defiantly say they are not happy and want a divorce.

What your wife is doing - cheating openly and telling you she plans to continue it - is very, very cruel. It shows a complete lack of sympathy and empathy and is a sign of a very selfish, damaged, broken person. Only the hard-core cheaters do what your wife is doing. When caught, most cheaters will try to minimize the pain to their spouse by either stopping the cheating or hiding it better or divorcing so their spouse can move on. Very few ask the spouse to remain married while they continue to openly cheat.
 
#101 ·
Be prepared to be lied to. She has shown you where her loyalties lie and it is not wth you.

She's already been aggressively building an emotional and sexual relationship with him that she has worked hard to exclude you from.

So she will lie tonight to protect her investment in the OM.

Post the OM in cheaterville.com and document the kind of ass he is. Exposé him and it will help sour his relationship wth her.
 
#107 ·
Edward, did you confront her? What was her reaction? What was the outcome?

I believe you can sort this out quickly if you take strong decisive action. It HAS to be this though. It absolutely CANNOT show any sign of weakness or accepting anything less than total dedication to you and the marriage.
 
#110 ·
I don't see how you can put him on cheating ville, he is not cheating. He slept with your wife with your permission (originally). I agree with wazza above.

Now, if he continues to pursue and really does not back off (and his words weren't just young man hot air) then I suppose you have some thing then....'this man sleeps with married women, actively pursues married woman, tries to steal men's wives' ....but really it is very unfair, and full of misplaced anger, to post him right now. He originally came to you at both your request, and he came to your wife at hers. That is all he has done essentially. Don't take your anger out on the wrong person. If he continues to pursue tho, by all means put it up there for all to see.
 
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#117 ·
Don't get me wrong, I don't disagree with him being posted, I just don't think he should go up just yet. Only if and when he does pursue the wife.
 
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#120 ·
First, the punk does belong on cheaterville.he was invited to join a threesome wth a man and his wife. Instead he jumped in to an affair with the wife, including putting a ton of time sexting etc with her.

He willingly changed the game rules instead of walking away. AND he's said hes done this before, so the punk who happily engages in cheating.

He belongs up there to warn future foolish couples who contact him for a threesome.
 
#121 ·
Edward,

Please remain vigilant. This was just one battle in your war. I suspect as you go through counseling you may re-consider whether this woman is worthy to be called your wife. You get to set the ground rules. If you end up in that position, do not feel obligated to stay in the rlationship. She detroyed that obligation by her actions.

Please read No More Mister Nice Guy as I previously recommedned. I think it will help you alot.
 
#130 ·
...she told me she had always wanted a threeaome with another man.

.... she posted on our localCL and after a few replies picked out the lucky guy. We set a date foe a few weekends later the next weekend i had some training for Cub Scouts when i returned home on sunday i found out they had been talking all weekend.

....Now it has turned into an affair they have met for sex and she constantly talks to him via facebook, email and phone when im not around.
So you agreed to a 3some (why the F), but instead she decided to just have an affair with a man, without you there?

How is it a 3some without you there?

So she just wanted to cheat on you....and she did, and half hides it from you, but sorta lets you know at the same time.

So you have enabled her to date and have an exclusive sexual relationship with another man.

You should have NEVER allowed someone else into your marriage, especially without your presence.

This is a really screwed up situation. Unfortunately, I think this is going to haunt you for the rest of your relationship.

Stand up for yourself and be firm on your boundaries.
 
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