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Trying to stop my wifes affair an save my marriage

66K views 270 replies 56 participants last post by  The bishop 
#1 ·
I have been married 14 years to my wife and best friend. We have had the usual problems finances shared houhold duties etc. we have always has a great sex life which has resulted in 3 beutiful boys. We have always been open and honest and maybe to a fault. Here is where the problem has come from, as i said we have always had a great sexlife so one night we were talking and she told me she had always wanted a threeaome with another man. Recently we went on a work/vacation trip and like an idiot i suggesdted this was the perfect chance for it. So we posted onCL but had no luck, when we got home she posted on our localCL and after a few replies picked out the lucky guy. We set a date foe a few weekends later the next weekend i had some training for Cub Scouts when i returned home on sunday i found out they had been talking all weekend. Now it has turned into an affair they have met for sex and she constantly talks to him via facebook, email and phone when im not around. I want this to end and save my marriage i love my wife and am not ready or willing to throw away 14 years over this she says she still loves me and isnt sure what she wants any advice would be greatfuly welcome
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#208 ·
And it was clearly humorous! For me anyway!

I am just glad someone described it as an eating establishment on the next page.

I just thought some of you may like to read the humorous page from where I was reading :)
 
#188 ·
Well she went to a friends tonite after i told her her parents knew. She is deeply hurt that i told them and thinks i did it to hurt her. I didnt they had suspicions and asked me i wasnt going to lie to them. Im not so sure telling them and letting her know was a hreat idea
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#190 ·
Wow!
She left because she's in a snit. She's in a snit because you revealed her cheating.

I have a sense that she wasn't remorseful at all - just trying to appease you and the ultimatum. In fact she may have had it in her mind that she'd pick up where she left off w the OM as soon as the smoke cleared.

Now that her parents know, it will be more difficult to lay blame on you. I hope you placed a VAR in her car as well as a gps.
 
#198 ·
If she gets back in contact with this guy, what are you going to do?

One thing I think you should do if you find out this guy tries to contact her is to find out as much as you can about this guy and blow up his life as much as you legally can. Let him know you are not to be messed with. Make it more trouble than it's worth for him.
 
#200 ·
Her anger and her "remorsefulness" are non sequitur IMO.

If she was truly remorseful (for what she did and how she's treated you) she would be okay and even grateful that there was some way she could express her sorrow.

She might have been remorseful that you were laying down the law. But a remorseful person normally would be looking for ways to make amends. Right?
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Will Kane has a good point. How sure are you that the friend is a friend to your marriage and not an enabler to her cheating? Is she likely to "take revenge" by calling the OM? You know your wife (or think you do, I'm beginning to think that some posters here know her better than you think you do). Is she vindictive?

Does she know about spybubble?
 
#203 ·
Your wife's reaction - getting pissed at you for telling her parents - is out of line with true remorse. Wives who are truly remorseful are just so happy that you are not leaving them over it that they are willing to do anything and everything to help you get over it and they would look at exposure to parents as an unfortunate consequence of THEIR OWN ACTIONS.

True remorse would be her saying, "OK, I did it, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done it, I didn't want my parents to know about it, but I guess I have no one to blame but myself because I actually did it."

Then she would call her parents and apologize for disappointing them, to tell them she was disappointed in herself as well.

So your wife's behavior makes me think she is more interested in taking the affair underground, using her being "pissed" at you as a convenient excuse to get away and get in touch with the other man, to let him know that the phone call was all bvllsh1t instigated by you, and that she still wants him.

I hope I'm wrong.

But in my opinion, your wife leaving to stay with a friend over the fact that her parents know is way out of line with what a truly remorseful spouse would do in that situation.
 
#205 ·
What is worse, cheating on your spouse, or telling the parents about the cheating?

Because you didn't leave when you found out she was cheating, but she left when she found out you told on her.

So I guess to her, you telling the parents was way worse than her cheating.

She wanted to go on, have you take her out bowling and to Five Guys, and have THAT be the consequence for her cheating.

I can tell you this: if the cheater doesn't have consequences, the cheater usually is not too discouraged from cheating the next time the opportunity presents itself.

There are some cheaters who are really disappointed in themselves for having cheated, really ashamed of what they have done. Your wife does not seem disappointed in herself or ashamed of her behavior, only upset that her parents found out.

What is your assessment of your wife's mental state? Just a day ago she was still in the midst of an affair, knowing that you knew and that it was incredibly painful to you, with no intention of giving it up until you put the screws to her.
 
#206 ·
Most women really get upset at the idea that people don't think they are good, respectable people. They worry tremendously about their reputations. This is one of the reasons that exposure is so very important.

Your WW's reaction to exposure is typical - her perfect world would be to cheat on you and maintain the 'good girl' reputation to the rest of the world. By blowing that up, you've made her angry, you've destroyed her perfect world. But that's what needs to happen. She needs to know that you won't tolerate her version of your married life.

So, you may be taking heat from your WW about exposing to her parents, but make no mistake - it was the right thing to do.

You say that she likes the new, assertive you - keep doing it. It was assertive to tell her parents. You need to be in control now. You are in control of what she has to do in order for you to agree to reconcile. Don't drop the ball now.
 
#210 ·
She found no shame or embarrassment in humiliating you and making you an unwilling cuckold but finds it embarrassing to make that fact known to her parents?

Have her see a dr for a full medical checkup and a psychiatrist for an evaluation as a consequence of her recent actions.
 
#211 ·
What you MUST NOT do at this point is back down or show ANY uncertainty about what you did and why regarding telling her parents. Do not show your weakness about this. If you do, she will pounce on it, and she will grind you down until you are the one apologising and you are the one being punished. You did NOTHING wrong. You did EVERYTHING right. Believe that...truly! If you show any uncertainty in this at all she will have you and eat you for breakfast. And not the pleasant version.

Also, VAR!

Also, check her whereabouts. Absolutely check. And you have every right and every reason to check. Drop by, or call her. When you call her, ask to speak with her friend too. Make sure she is where she said she is and with whom she said she was with.
 
#212 ·
I also agree that she is not truly remorseful. Not yet anyway. As she was not instantly remorseful once she was found out (and why should she be, she was doing all of it, bar one on one sex, right in front of you) she will probably only find her real remorse, if she has any, once she sees what she has got to lose. Remember that. She needs to see what she has got to lose! Stand firm. Make her see that. Real consequences.

You have to be willing to lose your (crap) marriage in order to save your (good) marriage.
 
#217 ·
Who cares that she was mad you told her parents. I hope you don't. You should have immediately said, if your embarrassed as being seen as a cheating *****, don't behave like a cheating *****.

I know a lot of this is new ground for you, but you need to be firm - you can do it without being an arse, but when in doubt err on the side of being an arse. Keep communication deliberate and concise, dont argue, blurry communication leads to meandering pointless anger etc. Don't lecture.
 
#219 ·
..... but when in doubt err on the side of being an arse.
I love this quote!

And absolutely yes! In this situation, you have been wronged in a huge way. Err on the side of being an arse, or you will just look very very weak.
 
#223 ·
Watch her closely (whereabouts, comounication devices) just NOW.

Nothing as anger to give you permission to do whatever you already wanted to do.

Follow her, hire a PI, male you own snooping... whatever. She was too determined to taste "stranger" to just stop so easily. She just need a inch of excuse to cave in again.
 
#228 ·
I did not read all of the responses but most of them seem to be blaming you for "allowing" this to happen by being open to a threesome. This is 100% NOT your fault. She just wanted to have another man and that is how she brought it up. This was going to happen (or most likely was already happening) regardless of your response to the threesome request. She just wants another man. Plain and simple. Get rid of her unless you want to live in a one-sided open relationship. I can't believe how, I'll just say it, dumb some of the people here are. This is just a woman having an affair. It was probably going on long before you even went on the vacation/work trip. Trying to blame it on the threesome is just totally missing the point here. That being said, threesomes are not right for everyone. But this situation has nothing to do with the threesome.
 
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