Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Trying to stop my wifes affair an save my marriage

66K views 270 replies 56 participants last post by  The bishop 
#1 ·
I have been married 14 years to my wife and best friend. We have had the usual problems finances shared houhold duties etc. we have always has a great sex life which has resulted in 3 beutiful boys. We have always been open and honest and maybe to a fault. Here is where the problem has come from, as i said we have always had a great sexlife so one night we were talking and she told me she had always wanted a threeaome with another man. Recently we went on a work/vacation trip and like an idiot i suggesdted this was the perfect chance for it. So we posted onCL but had no luck, when we got home she posted on our localCL and after a few replies picked out the lucky guy. We set a date foe a few weekends later the next weekend i had some training for Cub Scouts when i returned home on sunday i found out they had been talking all weekend. Now it has turned into an affair they have met for sex and she constantly talks to him via facebook, email and phone when im not around. I want this to end and save my marriage i love my wife and am not ready or willing to throw away 14 years over this she says she still loves me and isnt sure what she wants any advice would be greatfuly welcome
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#2 ·
See, this is the problem with trying to turn the fantasy of swinging intro reality. Unless both parties have full and open communication and set up specific boundaries, this is usually the end result.

If you're not willing to leave her...at this moment...you are going to have to create REAL boundaries with this stuff.

Do YOU want to swing or were you just going along with it?
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#3 ·
This post needs to be stickied to the top of the "sex in marriage" forum for all to see at all times!

This is precisely why it is NEVER a good idea to invite someone else into your marriage. The risk is too great, the cost/reward ratio is off the charts.

Think about, you gave your wife blessings and even helped her screw another man. What does that say about you?

Sorry you are here, but you have a collosal mess on your hands that may be fatal, and it was brought about with your consent.
 
#4 ·
I know its my fault i was just trying make one of her fantasies a reality as i said weve always been open and honest with each other probably to a fault. I just have always felt honesty was the best policy. Maybe there are somethings we should have kept to ourselves
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#5 ·
Have you told her you want this to stop? I assume you have seeing as she has stated she doesn't know what she wants. Have you told her this HAS to stop?

You need to tell her it is you or her fantasy life. She needs to choose. And choose now. And if she chooses her marriage she needs to completely turn back to her marriage and completely reconnect. Have you asked her how she would feel if the situation reversed, a woman 3some and then you started getting heavily involved with this random person?

Get some marriage counselling. ASAP.
 
#6 ·
Okay then the steps are easy enough, what may not be easy is mustering the will power.

You two discussed a joint encounter, a shared fantasy - she engaged in an individual fantasy.

You have to make it clear that everything after that weekend was not consensual and it has to stop or you will have to file for divorce.

Unfortunately your consent to the initial thing blurred the boundaries. You can't undo that but you can clearly and unequivocally state, that you are no longer comfortable (if you ever were) with other people.

Even though the boundaries were blurred she did cheat on you, unless there is a bit of the story we are missing - where you consented to her finding another candidate.

If you did consent, clear cut cheating, state your boundaries, demand all contact to cease and monitor her computer use, her Facebook, Email, and cell phone, inform the other man your wife is off limits etc.

Then go get some counseling for both of you, std tests, and maybe have your testosterone or other health parameters checked.

It doesn't sound like it was your fantasy to go along with your wife getting railed by another man, you just sort of folded into it. I'm not criticizing you, or suggesting you are a wimp - but if thats not normal thinking for you maybe there's some medical or psychological issues that need to be addressed.
 
#8 ·
You dug yourself into a hole when you accepted her request for a three-some. It was a terrible mistake and a stupid thing to do, especially with having 3 children.

Sounds like she wont stop having sex with the other man, which you implicitly gave her permission to do once you accepted her request for a threesome. She's probably enjoying it and doesn't want to give it up. If you are unwilling to leave her, I'm not sure how you will verbally convince her to give up something she is enjoying (ie. sex with the OM). I am assuming you've asked her to stop.

The way I see it, you've got two options:

  1. Divorce her.
    or
  2. Accept that you've created a 'swinger' type of relationship, and go out and get yourself a girlfriend on the side.
 
#9 ·
[*]Accept that you've created a 'swinger' type of relationship, and go out and get yourself a girlfriend on the side.
[/LIST]
At the risk of upsetting anyone, I have to say this is NOT what a swinger relationship is. It's not even close. What you're describing is an open relationship. A couple that swings properly simply wouldn't do what the OP's wife did.

Edward...you made a messy bed. You didn't realize what you were getting in to it would appear. The biggest questions are:

1. Do you want to engage in a swinging lifestyle with your wife?

2. Have you even remotely discussed boundaries?
 
#11 ·
Unfortunately you opened up Pandora's Box with your decision. I guess technically she is cheating on you, but you were going to be a willing party to her having sex with this guy with you being present.

If you really want R, and you want to try to snap her back to reality, may I suggest you watch the movie "Take this Waltz". Just fast forward to the end when the wife leaves for the OM, they have all kinds of freaky sex, and then low and behold that cools off and there is the wife just sitting on the couch with the guy bored and watching TV.
 
  • Like
Reactions: SomedayDig
#14 ·
Okay, man...it's time to put the BIG boots on. I don't mean that to slam ya, brother - I mean that to help you.

You need to let her know this is unacceptable behavior. A wife does not do this sh-t. Period. In my opinion, the three some was a ruse so she could cake eat. She wanted to f-ck someone but wanted permission. So, let's take the swinging right the hell off of the table.

Now, you need to look her in the eye and make it very clear that if she does NOT go to counseling, that an attorney is your next call. Don't f'ng balk on that either, brother - farrrrr too many stories on TAM show what happens when you balk. Don't matter if you're a guy or a gal...you balk - you lose.

Drop that ball in her court pronto. Then...sit there. Don't say a f'ng word. Why? Cuz in ALL negotiation tactics, the next person to talk loses the negotiation. So DON'T say a word. I don't care if it's 20 minutes. DO NOT TALK.

She stops ALL contact with this punk. She also gives you every single password to every single account she's got - including CL, facebook, email and...hmmm...I'll bet ya $10 she's got a password on her phone - and ya get THAT too.

Buddy...it's time for you to take your marriage back if that's what you truly want. Just remember - you can't nice her back to you. You can't cry her back to you. You stand up and tell her how it is and what is and is NOT acceptable in the marriage.

Period.
 
#15 ·
I want this to end and save my marriage i love my wife and am not ready or willing to throw away 14 years over this she says she still loves me and isnt sure what she wants any advice would be greatfuly welcome
Posted via Mobile Device
She's the one throwing away the marriage for an affair, not you.

To save your marriage you have to try to end it. Anything you do this point forward will be seen as enabling the affair. The nicer you are to her, the more she will want to OM over you. You are allowing yourself to be disrespected and she will continue to take advantage of you as long as you let it (or she gets sick of you and leaves you for the OM).

If you take a beta approach you will fail. The only real way to get your W back is to shove your foot up her asss.

The A-holes get to R, the doormats get left behind.

You are not going to nice guy her back, the NEVER works. Anything short of a hard line with her will fail. You are not the exception to the rule (but we all think we are).
 
#18 ·
At the risk of upsetting anyone, I have to say this is NOT what a swinger relationship is. It's not even close. What you're describing is an open relationship. A couple that swings properly simply wouldn't do what the OP's wife did.
correction, Dig. this is a one-sided open marriage.


i agree that you opened up a Pandora's box when you engaged in this activity, but it's not your fault that she's cheating on you. it's obvious your wife can't handle the situation. i don't think you can ever try this again given her recent activities.


you need to put a stop to this ASAP if you want to save your marriage.
 
#19 ·
Do what cpacan did. Create your own dating profile and start dating other women. You have an open marriage anyway. She sees you begging her as your weakness and your inability to find any other women except her.

Stop begging her and start preparing for divorce. You have no chance of repairing this when you keep begging and pleading her.

Who is this other guy ?

Is he married ?
 
#27 ·
It's cool, man. You can stop beating yourself up over it.

And...cough, cough...I think others can stop beating you up for it as well.

You know you messed up with this. She probably went into warp drive when you gave her permission to follow through with the fantasy. If so, that's your first big indicator of her mindset.

You've already made a decision on what you're gonna do. All I can say is just make sure you do it without hesitation.
 
#68 ·
I don't know if the parents really need to know the 3 some thing just yet. You could simply say that your WW is cheating on you. If the more "sensational details" arise in the future, then so be it.
 
#33 ·
To put things in perspective - this OM was 12 years old when you got married.

How old are your own boys?

You need to move beyond blaming yourself for what's happened - you helped to open the door, but it was your wife's decision to take advantage of the situation beyond what you mistakenly intended.

Protect yourself and protect your three boys from any fallout from this.
 
#36 ·
No a mff has never been an option and to be honest no threesome has ever been that apealing to me, the drug addict coment goes along with alot of what i have read than an affair is like a drug. Thats why im thinking of telling her folks maybe to create some kind of an intervention i dunno its all pretty fd up
Posted via Mobile Device
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top