I feel awful…

pillock · 02-05-2008, 10:15 AM

i'm probably posting this on the wrong forum but…

i've been going out with my partner for 4 years and i can only describe the relationship as comfortable. no sex to speak of, but i love her.

There's an old partner of mine got in touch recently. I felt so alive with her. i'd wake up with a smile on my face every day. life was good. We both got into drugs and split because of this. We've both long since given all of them up and we have been chatting online.

i feel awful

my contemporary partner is lovely, but my ex feels like she was 'the one'.

i don't know what to do.

my ex wants us to get back together. but i feel i owe it to my partner of 4 years to stay with her as leaving her would cripple her (emotionally).

any advice would be greatly appreciated.

guilt-ridden anon

sarahdale24 · 02-05-2008, 12:48 PM

You shouldn't stay in a relationship if you aren't happy in it. Weather you had someone else or not. First off, you should be honest with your partner now. Tell her how you are feeling. Honesty works, in some cases, but leading her on(which is kinda what you are doing) isn't healthy for either of you...

stav · 02-05-2008, 01:14 PM

You say 'no sex to speak of'

Why is that? Does she not like it? Do you not enjoy it with her? Have you perhaps considered why this might be?

You know it could just be that your relationship is settled into a rut and your ex girl, being forbidden fruit seems all that much more exciting.. perhaps you remember the sex all that time ago as being really good, but it probably wasn't. After all, there was probably good reason why it didn't work out between you the first time? Ask yourself why she is back in your life, and why isn't she settled with someone?

Why not try injecting a little thrill and passion into the love life you already have? Valentines Day is coming, a perfect excuse to plan something special for your partner. Maybe a night away at a nice hotel, a romantic evening just the two of you. Obviously your personal finances will determine how much you can do. Maybe, just prepare a lovely aromatic bubbly bath for her, get a bottle of champagne, put it on ice, light lots of romantic candles. Scrub her back (join her if your bath is big enough!) make love to her.. make it special.. that could be all it takes.

Look at what you have, and consider how you would feel if you lost her. It might just open your eyes.

draconis · 02-05-2008, 06:58 PM

Often people have self fulfilling prophies. You ae having an emotional affair with your ex, and have the comfort that if you ever want to leave this relationship you can walk right into another with your ex. You coninue to keep your energy fron your SO by giving your emotions to your ex and deny them to your girlfriend. If you want to stay with the person you are with then seperate from your ex, start communicating with your partner by telling her what is lacking and listening to her concerns or just do her the service of breaking up with her so you can fill your dreams. But just remember this girl is your ex for a reason.

draconis

berlinlife06 · 02-09-2008, 04:53 AM

Leaving your partner would "cripple" her, but you don´t have a problem hurting her with your affair? I would say be honest and give both of you a chance on real happiness. She will get over you eventually. You are evidently not into her that much anymore.

Liza · 02-11-2008, 01:31 PM

You could try adding a few spraks to your relationship, when people get comfortable in a relationship they don't make as much effort as they used to like when they just started out.

Green-Moo · 02-14-2008, 04:10 PM

I don't think you 'owe it' to your current partner to stay, as to stay in an unhappy relationship wouldn't help either of you in the long term. However, I'd question how realistic your memories of your previous love actually are if you were both so raddled with drugs that you had to split over them.

Green-Moo