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I'm Finally Done With Wife's EA

72K views 277 replies 47 participants last post by  sarcasmo 
#1 ·
I have to thank the guys over at NMMNG for helping me get over my fear and finally get up the courage to address this issue head-on, despite the potential outcomes.

FYI, my back-story:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/66745-do-i-confront-her.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/71730-recreational-companionship.html

I feel like tonight or tomorrow will be the day to finally set my boundary. I might wait until next week (kids keep us super busy, but no more excuses!), but I feel I'm ready to do it now. She has her IC tomorrow and we have date night on Friday. I figure we can spend date night figuring out the conditions of our separation or the conditions of our reconcilliation. Her choice.

Thanks to your support, I plan on setting a clear boundary: I will not be married to a woman who has a boyfriend. I will not share my wife with another man. If she cannot commit to a No Contact agreement (with the OM), then she has to move out and I will file for divorce. I will give her until Friday night to decide. That way she can talk it through with her IC.

The way I look at that, her IC is convinced I have abandonment issues, which I do, so I believe that's why she allows her to continue this affair. If the IC and my wife se that despite my abandonment issues, I'm ready to face them head-on, they may change their tune. No matter what she decides, this is for me. I just want to time it so she can work our her answer in her IC session.

I do plan on letting her know I will support her if she chooses to remain with me. I know if she will be experiencing a signifigant loss, and while I resent that, she will need reassurance that I can support her and I wont abandon her. In addition, there is no pressure to work on our marriage yet. This choice alone is a huge step towards reconcilliaiton. Once she moves out of her grief phase, we can move into repairing the marriage.

One more quick question. She has this vision of us continuing to be best friends after divorce. Spending time together with the kids, vacationing together, etc. I'm very forward thinking and this sounds interesting, but I don't think it's realistic. My parents had an awful divorce, but I know how to avoid that and remain friendly. But BFF's? That seems like too much. For one I'm not sure I can handle being around her in that situation. Maybe in time, when I'm stronger I can better handle it, but from here I feel like will just reopen the scars.

In addition, the bigger reason is how it will impact the kids. From what I understand, having these "family" times together just confuses them. Makes them relive the divorce over and over again. I don't want to perpetuate their pain. I know my wife views us as living as friends the last few years of our marriage so this seems reasonable to her, but is this really a realistic idea? I feel like I need to hit her with a dose of reality, but maybe I'm being too harsh of her view of divorce.

Thanks again to everyone for helping me on my journey.
 
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#119 ·
I have to ask: are you really that ballsy yet?

Just seeing them together would suck the air out of my lungs.

You are procrastinating again, IMHO.

Jcd had a good idea. Stop what you are doing. Get up. Leave work. And call the OM-W now.

Chances are those at volleyball already know and some are cool with it. Too much risk you will look desperate and a fool, and OM will finish killing off your future the moment he smugly gets his arms around your wife again.

Just an opinion.
 
#120 ·
I have to ask: are you really that ballsy yet?
Yes. I proposed to my wife in front of 800 strangers. Different situation, for sure, but I don't care about these people. I care about what the POSOM and my WS think about these people.
 
#121 ·
I spoke to my WS OM-W a couple of times on the phone. It was helpful.

My WS alleged they were getting a divorce. Turned out, not so much according to OM-W. OM-W turned out to be helpful to my marriage.
 
#123 ·
Sarcasmo,

Brother, I am sorry you are here. I know what it is like and I really understand your pain. You are doing things that are dooming your marriage to absolute ruin. I did some of them too.

First, you are procrastinating and acting weak. That is what women really find attractive. You want to go to the volleyball game to get your butt kicked? If you go it should be because you will be kicking someone else's butt.

Believe me, I have had some stare down encounters with the OM for my EX. I was never aggressive but I was itching for them to start something... They aren't men to sneak around your back. I would have beaten the living hell out of them. I never did because of legal issues and because they turned out to do me a HUGE favor! They took that POS-EX of mine away. I got exposed to what a POS she is and I have been able to get my life together and really get my kids on a much better track.

Confronting them at a VB game reeks of desparation and you will not do well there... The courts think oh my, these PARENTS are CRAP! What can we do for the kiddies.

When I went through my personal hell a year and a half ago, I was desperate to hold onto a turd I wouldn't even step in. Stand up and be a man. Hit the protein shakes and hit the gym!

Why would you be so desperate to hold onto a woman who treats you so poorly. She moved on brother. You are so far behind in this and you don't even know it. It's a done deal.

I did what I needed to do. I got myself mentally and physically strong. I celebrated mother's day with my girlfriend and kids this weekend. I was in the store getting a card and flowers for her. My son helped me and was eager to get her a card. I asked him if he wanted to get a card for his mom and he almost spit on me!

Your wife is being a selfish .... She is screwing the OM and you and the kids out of your happiness. You want to be with that? She could care less about you. It's all about her happiness now and your lack of balls is really being a huge detriment to yourself. Decide to pee standing up and just do it.
 
#124 ·
Thanks everyone. There may have been a time for this, but it just looks like crazy now. I don't need to fuel her side in the divorce.

On last question before I move on with my life. Any reason I should talk to OM-W at this point? Or his parents? Or my WS's parents and siblings?

Someone made the comment that if they were the OM's family, they would be pissed if I dragged them into it. Thing I haven't shared is, his family has been calling my wife to help this POS out of his marriage. They have been in contact. They know of her. What they know, I don't know. It's totally f'd up.

I guess I look at it two ways, 1) they really are friends and she has been open w/them (w/in reason), or 2) they have lied about the extent of their relations. If I expose and it's number 1, I act like an a$$. If it's number 2, there could be some good in the exposure.

Just curious since a number of you over here still seem to think exposure may be helpful, even after all of my mistakes throughout this ordeal. Seems like the consensus is to pack up the truck and move on, but I just needed to ask that last question.
 
#125 ·
Thing I haven't shared is, his family has been calling my wife to help this POS out of his marriage. They have been in contact. They know of her. What they know, I don't know. It's totally f'd up.
That would have been helpful to share.

In that case, exposure to the OM's family would do no good since they are scumbags who enabled and facilitated OM's affair with your STBXW so OM could get out of his marriage with OMW. They must really hate the OMW.

As for OMW, if there's anything or any help you can provide to help her, then that's your choice. You're under no obligation if you have already exposed the affair to her. But if you haven't exposed the affair to her, then you should do the right thing and do it. She may need that information.
 
#127 ·
Sarc, expose, cuss, etc., what every makes you feel good. Do it for you man, no one else and not an attempt to win her back. When you start to feel, "hell she can have the bastard, I'm going to start dating several hot chicks" you will know you have arrived . Women want what they can't have my man. If she comes back, it will be because youre hard to get, hard to control, and don't take her crap. She has to work to keep your interest. My recommendation is to sample some of the available chicks even if she wants to get back with you.
Remember guy, the phrase that nice guys hear the most from women is, "lets just be friends". Unless you're a dead ringer for Hugh Jackman, women don't lust after nice guys.
 
#129 ·
When you say his family has been calling your wife -- who exactly? Sister, brother, mom, dad? Are they all so heartless the would fully enable your marriage to die just to get OM away from crazy?

I suppose its possible, but, if I had to guess I'd lean towards they have been mislead about your wife's availability. Maybe you could sound them out?
 
#131 ·
Someday I'll have to ask her. They sound like good people. Perhaps the OMW has put POSOM through so much they are looking the other way with regards to my wife. Just happy he found a nice girl to save him from his STBXW. My family loved my wife at first too. Now they don't talk to us much. I take a big part of the blame there. Good luck to them. I guess they can have her. For her sake, I hope it works out.
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#132 ·
Let me try to put this all to rest. Just got back from my IC appt. Right now, I say forget it. I'm done. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. She may be dead on with her assertation that I didn't support her enough, but that's not my problem. Who could, really?!? I need to find someone who appreciates me. Not someone who has been trying to change me since day one. I'm out. Called my buddy who's brother is a lawyer just to get some advice regarding my rights. I'm done waiting for our lawyer to call back with the references. I'll find a mediator ASAP.

No more games. No more 180s or Plan A or exposure thoughts. Well 180 is for me, but no more worrying about if I'm doing it right. She can't stay out until 3 am because it affects our children. F my feelings. It's about them. I'm aready logging those events in case the D goes south.

Time to take my life back.
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#134 ·
You don't know what she told them. She may have told them that SHE is with this remorseless Ogre who abbuses her so she knows about bad relationships. That she has no kids. That she's already getting a divorce. All kinds of things that would make her look good.

BAH! You are wasting time again. Anything difficult, you put off. You should directly call HIS mom and say to her "My wife is out with your son till 3 a.m. and is abandoning HER children. I hear YOU encourage this. What kind of a person are you if this is true? My kids are crying at night, waiting for their mother."

Maybe what your wife said is true. But there is a vast difference between thinking "Oh...this woman is very good for my little boy so I don't mind if this soon to be ex wife of someone is sucking him off because it doesn't hurt anyone" vs. "this woman is abandoning HER responsibilities and will do the same to any grandchildren she has for my son."

Plus mom won't look at her perfect little boy if she thinks he went out of his way to be a homewrecker. Right now you are an idea of a person. You make yourself a flesh and blood person with crying kids, and suddenly it's much less theoretical of an exercise.

Come on! Use your super whining powers for good! You've been here complaing for the last few weeks or months. Now is your chance to actually use it EFFECTIVELY.

What exactly do you have to lose? She doesn't want to be with you. And if they are trailer trash, you've lost nothing.
 
#136 ·
Sarcasmo,

I know this is hard and your heart feels like it was literally ripped from your body. Don't trust your heart for it will deceive you. Lead your heart.

You have been treated like utter scum by your WW and OM. You sat there and took it all. You haven't done anything to protect yourself. You are going to get screwed in court because honestly it's a lot of he said she said and the judge has no idea who is telling the truth and frankly doesn't care.

Your wife cuckolded you and yet you still take it... Life is not fair. Neither is court. You really need to learn how to be strong. You haven't stood up for yourself once. The OM's family is really nice. They know about my wife and they are just swell friends... THEY HELPED HIM COMMIT ADULTERY WITH YOUR WIFE!!!! Not friends I would want!

You are letting everyone walk all over you and you are afraid to act. Brother pick one thing and take a stand on it. You may take a beating for doing it, but do it because it is the right thing to do! It will help you so much and give you confidence to be stronger!
 
#259 ·
Holy crap, you're worse than disenchanted was!
That's really saying something.

Lol, but I'll tell ya, letting go of her has been the best thing that I've ever done. I'm behind you Sarcasmo, you'll be a lot happier once you can detach 100%.

While I still have a lot of stuff to work through, I am in such a better place then I was a year ago and when I came here.

And on the self pity thing, man watch out for that crap. Snap yourself out of it if at all possible.

I have more self esteem these days than I have since my marriage became sexless.

You can do it!
 
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#138 ·
From an old post:

Well it didn't go as well as planned. I really have no idea where we are at. This is part of my issue. Lack of emotional intelligence if you will. I'm hurt over this person, but really he doesn't even matter. From your point of view he matters. He is POSOM and your wife's loverShe's leaving me because I have no identity. Are you completely invisible?I have no sense if self.Who is writing this? Maybe I've showed up emotionally lately Hope you the emotion is pıssed off, but I left her alone (emotionally) for 8 years. If we are going to work, I need to fix me. I have a lot of issues. I'm a great husband and father.If you don't get your a$$ in gear in moving resolutely to D or R, you are letting your kids down. No doubt, but I have to figure out who I am before we can be together. Maybe if I say it out loud I'll believe it.

From here the only option is a separation.She wants to impose separation on you Until I prove I'm getting better, there can't be an us.Stop putting everything off That is devastating to me. I don't want this. It's not my choice, but she's done feeling like she has to nag me to take care of important things. She's doesn't want to be that person anymore. I have to prove to her I can make it without her for her to want to make us work again. She's done feeling empty and alone.

This was never about him. He's complicating things, sure, but its about her and I and us. I've been way too focused on him when I need to get back to me. I don't even know if I'm explaining it right. I think as much as it hurts the only way I can save us is to work on me getting better. I just pray she doesn't do something stupid before we get to the point where we even have a chance to reconcile. While I love her more than anything, I don't know if I could forgive that. Even though we are separated, I still feel like we have to stay faithful. I'm going to have to get over that if this is for real. I just can't even imagine the thought of bring with someone else. I'm still in love.

Anyway, thanks for your help. I'm sorry if I mislead everyone. I'm obviously confused.
You haven't move far from this old situation.
 
#139 ·
You haven't move far from this old situation.
You are absolutely right. I've allowed myself to believe her backwards talk. She has a svengali hold on me that I need to break ASAP. Deep down I still want this to work and I think that's why I allow myself to fall prey to her words.

Not anymore. Moving on with my life. Looking for healthy supports. Done perseverating on how to "fix" things and win her back. If it happens, it will happen organically over time and then I will be in control of whether I even want her back. After my IC session yesterday, I'm not so sure I even want her back.

Working out, getting back into sports leagues, taking "me time" in the evenings, etc. Of course, none of these outlets help me meet women, but that's OK for now. I'm going to seek out support groups or other common interest based groups to help meet like minded people that I can use as casual supports and diversions through this. Maybe even make a few new friends.

One thing is for sure, I'm not looking to move my attachment from my STBXW to someone else. I will stay at arms length and just casually interact with other "mature" adults. I need to work on my Nice Guy tendancies before I try to enter a new relationship.
 
#140 ·
Sarcasmo,

Please listen to me and I really mean this to be helpful but seriously you are acting like a little baby... I was going to use a different 'b' word but I might get in big trouble.

You are in control of your life. Yes, you might want to meet another woman, but this is NOT the time. You are acting like a little scared puppy dog and rolling over on your back in submission... Your WW thinks you are being pathetic and I'm sure she and the guy she is BANGING are laughing at how weak and pathetic you are.

That would pretty much be enough to get me angry! I had my DDay 1.5 years ago. I was totally messed up. I started going to the gym. I'm only 200lbs but I full squat over 500lbs and bench 300... I just maintain. I took the bad things, the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, the bitterness and I turned them into energy at the gym.

I got myself on solid ground mentally. I wrote down who I wanted to be and I am doing it!

You are doing the opposite. You are gloomy, you want everyone here to give you a pity party and commiserate with you. Yes, your wife is a WHO**, yes you were given a raw deal...

So what are you going to do about it. Put your damn Cowboy hat on, boots and MAN the F UP! You have been betrayed and violated once and your are going to let it happen again in court! WTF are you doing?

Stop thinking about how you want someone to be with to validate that you don't totally suck as a man! If you don't want to totally suck as a man then get up and get strong! Focus on making yourself better. Take the first step. Force yourself to keep at it and let it become second nature.

My EX traded me out for an old guy... I found a gorgeous girl. First I made sure I was better. I became who I really wanted to be because I did it for me. You cannot be a good father if you don't build a good foundation for yourself and the first thing is to take the first step.

Seriously stop being a whiny little sissy and get up and take action. Your next post should simply be ONE THING THAT YOU DID TO BETTER YOURSELF AND YOUR SITUATION. Get on it!
 
#141 ·
Seriously stop being a whiny little sissy and get up and take action. Your next post should simply be ONE THING THAT YOU DID TO BETTER YOURSELF AND YOUR SITUATION. Get on it!
I guess my post came off in a way I didn't intend it. I HAVE been working out since Jan. I HAVE joined the local softball league. I HAVE taken "me time" nights in the past week. I HAVE called two attorneys. I HAVE read NMMNG and I HAVE started my BFE's.

Sorry if it wasn't clear from my post. I'm actual doing rather than talking now. I'm done looking for pity. I was suggesting other avenues I'm also considering. Just wanted to make it clear I will not allow myself to just reattach to someone else until I am healthy. Nothing wrong with finding some friends to commiserate with, right?
 
#142 ·
That's all well and good but do realze he may also be after your family, not just your wife.
You are doing nothing to stop the affair. You may lose everything if you don, t get rid of this bum. You want your kids living with him half the time and calling him dad?
 
#143 ·
He has 4 kids of his own. Owns his own business. He's not after my family. Just my young (8 years younger than him), attractive, and attentive STBXW.
 
#146 ·
POSOM is divorcing his BS. Already living on his own. I'm not denying they want more than what they have now with each other. Thing is, they have a horrible foundation and it's likely to fail on it's own once they reveal their true selves to each other. I'm willing to let it run it's course as it's not my problem any more. If they make it, so be it. Again, I'm done worrying about my STBXW's life.

I'm not sure where you are going with your posts. Earlier you were very helpful with the 180 advice. I'm trying to stick to that.

Are you still suggesting I expose them? Based on the feedback here, you seem to be the only one that thinks I should still expose them. I think that ship has sailed. I had plenty of opportunities to blow the affair up and I blew it. Big time. At this point, I don't think it would have the desired effect.

Time to move on with my life, stop perseverating over the lost marriage and my WS, and focus on me, the kids, and the D.
 
#149 ·
I don't disagree, but I don't want to be the one to potentially ruin his business. It's one thing to humiliate someone, it's another to take his livelihood away. I know I'm probably overexaggerating the effect of posting his name to that site, but I'm not willing to take the chance.
 
#160 ·
I agree that you should not expose nor should you post OM on cheaterville.

If he was to lose his reputation or his business over your action you can bet your bottom dollar he'll retaliate.

Honestly, he's not the one destroying your marriage, it's your wife.

He could be anybody.
 
#162 ·
Sarcasmo, you have no idea of the damage you are doing to yourself by just simply continuing to accept what comes to you at face value. You've read NMMNG, do you understand that you can't ensure a smooth outcome by playing nice? That your efforts and good intentions are not going to be matched by the people around you? That it is up to you to look out for your own interests? How does buying the story you've been fed help you? How does keeping silent about your wife's deceit and betrayal help you?
 
#163 ·
I'm guessing Northland was being sarcastic and not the voice of reason? I can't tell if everyone's replies come from a place of bitterness or reason. I feel like I would be stooping to THEIR level by doing this. I'm not realy a believer in the eye-for-an-eye logic. At least, that's the way I try to raise my kids.

The Love Languages book talks about two options when someone hurts you: justice or forgiveness. I guess I chose forgiveness as it's more of a sign of love.

As far as anger goes, I'm going f*cking crazy with it. It may not come accross in my posts because that's just the way I write, but I'm bursting with anger.

Moving on is for me. I suppose I could be convinced exposure is for me too (w/out the volleyball drama that clearly reaks of desperation). Maybe that's a good way of expressing some of my anger. I'm still listening (seems like that's all I'm doing so far! Where's the action! Where's the doing!). I will run exposure letters and a cheaterville script by you all to see what you think. Even if this doesn't get my wife back (something I'm actual on the fence about now), it may be theraputic.
 
#165 ·
I'm guessing Northland was being sarcastic and not the voice of reason? I can't tell if everyone's replies come from a place of bitterness or reason. I feel like I would be stooping to THEIR level by doing this. Not stoopng to their level is a common excuse here for betrayed spouses until they grasp what other people have done to their family I'm not realy a believer in the eye-for-an-eye logic. No one is suggesting you destroy his family, he is doing that, you are just keeping it a secret for them, a willing participant. At least, that's the way I try to raise my kids. God help your kids, no one else is looking out for them

The Love Languages book talks about two options when someone hurts you: justice or forgiveness.You don't have a wife . This book is useless to you, you should read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER to find out why your wife finds the POSOM more attractive than you. I guess I chose forgiveness as it's more of a sign of love. You chose the give up, turn tail and run option. You don't forgive people that do not ask for it, you have mis interpreted scripture

As far as anger goes, I'm going f*cking crazy with it. It may not come accross in my posts because that's just the way I write, but I'm bursting with anger.

Moving on is for me. I suppose I could be convinced exposure is for me too (w/out the volleyball drama that clearly reaks of desperation). Maybe that's a good way of expressing some of my anger. I'm still listening (seems like that's all I'm doing so far! Where's the action! Where's the doing!). I will run exposure letters and a cheaterville script by you all to see what you think. Even if this doesn't get my wife back (something I'm actual on the fence about now), it may be theraputic.
Really? Get on with it

Don't get me wrong, I am not against you divorcing what is left of your wife. But what you are doing is tantamount to patting the POSOM on the back and letting him have your family and if you are lucky they will let you see your kids a couple of times a month. With your attitude you will end up paying them to do it.

If you think you are mad now wait to you here your kids calling him dad. Sooner or later they will judge you, I hope they can forgive as blithely as you do.

At least go to dadsdivorce .com. You are getting no help here.
 
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