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I'm Finally Done With Wife's EA

72K views 277 replies 47 participants last post by  sarcasmo 
#1 ·
I have to thank the guys over at NMMNG for helping me get over my fear and finally get up the courage to address this issue head-on, despite the potential outcomes.

FYI, my back-story:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/66745-do-i-confront-her.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/71730-recreational-companionship.html

I feel like tonight or tomorrow will be the day to finally set my boundary. I might wait until next week (kids keep us super busy, but no more excuses!), but I feel I'm ready to do it now. She has her IC tomorrow and we have date night on Friday. I figure we can spend date night figuring out the conditions of our separation or the conditions of our reconcilliation. Her choice.

Thanks to your support, I plan on setting a clear boundary: I will not be married to a woman who has a boyfriend. I will not share my wife with another man. If she cannot commit to a No Contact agreement (with the OM), then she has to move out and I will file for divorce. I will give her until Friday night to decide. That way she can talk it through with her IC.

The way I look at that, her IC is convinced I have abandonment issues, which I do, so I believe that's why she allows her to continue this affair. If the IC and my wife se that despite my abandonment issues, I'm ready to face them head-on, they may change their tune. No matter what she decides, this is for me. I just want to time it so she can work our her answer in her IC session.

I do plan on letting her know I will support her if she chooses to remain with me. I know if she will be experiencing a signifigant loss, and while I resent that, she will need reassurance that I can support her and I wont abandon her. In addition, there is no pressure to work on our marriage yet. This choice alone is a huge step towards reconcilliaiton. Once she moves out of her grief phase, we can move into repairing the marriage.

One more quick question. She has this vision of us continuing to be best friends after divorce. Spending time together with the kids, vacationing together, etc. I'm very forward thinking and this sounds interesting, but I don't think it's realistic. My parents had an awful divorce, but I know how to avoid that and remain friendly. But BFF's? That seems like too much. For one I'm not sure I can handle being around her in that situation. Maybe in time, when I'm stronger I can better handle it, but from here I feel like will just reopen the scars.

In addition, the bigger reason is how it will impact the kids. From what I understand, having these "family" times together just confuses them. Makes them relive the divorce over and over again. I don't want to perpetuate their pain. I know my wife views us as living as friends the last few years of our marriage so this seems reasonable to her, but is this really a realistic idea? I feel like I need to hit her with a dose of reality, but maybe I'm being too harsh of her view of divorce.

Thanks again to everyone for helping me on my journey.
 
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#251 ·
Okay. Here is advice simple enough for anyone to follow:

Shut Up

She texts you. Nothing.

She tries to bait you. Nothing

She screams. Nothing

She wants to set up a divorce appointment or coordinate things with the kids? Short concise answer. Try and answer in 10 words or less. Count them before you say them and edit.

Have you READ the 180? Where did it say to ask her where she has been? It says NOT to.
 
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#252 ·
What did you do today to further the divorce?
 
#253 · (Edited)
Didn't get her a card or gift. Walked around angry. I know that's not what you meant, but my actions are sealing the deal. Tomorrow we see the mediator.

I know the 180. Sticking to it is hard. It takes a lot of willpower. I've been struggling to just act happy and go one with my life. I have to recommit to it. I'm still to I emtionally invested in everything.
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#258 ·
You are just pretending. Its called wallowing in self pity and trying to get her to pity you. What you and everyone else like you accomplishes though is contempt and revulsion. Obviously this gets you the opposite result you are begging for. Until you get that , you will just have to suffer.

Some people never wake up. Good luck.
 
#262 · (Edited)
Saw our first divorce mediator today. As is usually the case, I liked them and she didn't. Hopefully tonight's is awful so she just goes with the lesser of two evils. The bigger story is that she is done with this marriage. No doubt in her mind. Certainly we were both super emotional (sad) but she would sign the papers yesterday. I have to remember this and continue to move on. I'm still going through with tomorrow's plans. I just hope it doesn't upset the mediation process.

I'm finding the Just Let Them Go thread to be very helpful. I need to read it along with the 180 every day. Keep reinforcing those behaviors.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559
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#263 ·
The bigger story is that she is fine with this marriage. No doubt in her mind. Certainly we were both super emotional (sad) but she would sign the papers yesterday. I have to remember this and continue to move on. I'm still going through with tomorrow's plans. I just hope it doesn't upset the mediation process.
So she's fine as long as she can keep her boyfriend?
Keep pushing, man. You are right, let her go.


ETA
I re read it. I asume you wanted to type she's fine with the marriage ending.
 
#265 ·
I need help. I know everyone is sick of my over analyzing, so I expect to be hit with a lot of grief, but I'm really struggling here. My therapist really believes exposure is a bad idea. He doesn't see any upside. My NMMNG mentors feel similarly. All I can come up with is:
  • The affair sees the light of day, potentially killing it or at least creating some discomfort.
  • I feel like a "man" for being able to stand up for myself.
  • If the affair crumbles, my kids are safe from this POS.
On the other hand:
  • My STBXW is pissed and mediation is no longer an option. This will cost my family a lot of money and grief.
  • Everything she has said is true. They are just plutonic [now] and my kids really aren't in danger of this POS becoming their new Daddy.
  • This will come out of nowhere. I have been pushing the "You deserve to be happy. You need this. I'm letting you go" talk for a while with STBXW. Wouldn't this just fly in the face of that mentality? Making all of it seem fake?
  • My STBXW really doesn't care what other people think. She doesn't like to be told what to do by anyone. Example: Her good friend is getting a ton of grief from her family re: her EA and my STBXW is just disgusted by their behaviour. (to be clear, the friend is getting grief from the friend's own family about her own A; not my STBXW's family or my STBXW's A)
I'm really having trouble justifying the upside. Our marriage is shot. She really seems to believe this. Even I see a lot of the incompatibility. Others here agree. Someone made a great point about my unavailability. I have this belief I was doing everything for her, but what did I really do? Some chores? Come home on-time from work to help with the kids? What did I really do for her? I think I'm the one in the fog.

Regardless, I feel that with work and therapy we can overcome out marital issues, but she doesn't agree. I have to let her go. Go figure out what the hell she wants/needs in life. I need to do the same, as scared as I am. As much as I don't want to give up the life we had prior to all this.

Exposure just seems like a desperate measure that will only cause unneeded tension in a dead marriage. I should have done it 4-5 months ago, but now, it's just too late and desperate.

I really feel like I need to just move on. Use the tools in the 180 and http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html thread. Stop perseverating on the loss of the marriage. I know a lot of you feel doing so is simply passive, and maybe it is, but I look at it differently. This will probably be equally hard for me to do. Commiting to self improvement is hard work. Something I haven't been able to do thus far in my life. Get some self esteem. Overcome passivity and fear. Become the type of father my kids can look up to. Find some life energy.

I look forward to everyone convincing me otherwise (or just ignoring me because you have already made your cases and I'm just stubbornly frozen with fear of everything).
 
#266 ·
I look forward to everyone convincing me otherwise (or just ignoring me because you have already made your cases and I'm just stubbornly frozen with fear of everything).
Assuming all that you say above is correct (I suspect your STBXW wants others to think well of her, despite what she says. I also would not be that sure that it stays plutonic if it even is; finally, if she is going the scorched earth, what else can she do), there is still the issue of the truth. Consider that she is laying the ground work with others for you to be the bad guy in this divorce. Maybe no overtly, but certainly that she cannot live with the guy you are now, and needs to get away. Heck, you are feeding that by telling her that she needs to leave to be happy. You will likely pay a price in loss of friends, respect from family, and perhaps even your kids when they start hearing this stuff. Your reputation is important to.

This is not to say that you need to expose. That is up to you. I just want you to truly understand what you are forgoing by not doing it.
 
#269 ·
I believe I can. Mainly because I have insight into the downfall of our marriage. I know the role I played. Years of emotional abandonement and an indifferent exterior appearance. She checked-out of the marriage over a year ago, but didn't have the strength to follow through on separation or divorce. She did a weak thing, inviting this man into her life/heart. I can forgive her of that. I believe I can move past it. Only if she can truly reconcile and do what is necessary. To date, she has shown no remorse.
 
#270 ·
Being one of the NMMNG crowd, I think the time to expose has long passed. At least in terms of breaking the A and possibly saving the marriage.

There is potential leverage in your divorce if you do not expose. You can remind her how thoughtful you have been of her reputation by keeping this private. Let's not call it blackmail, but it is a form of pressure. She can engage in a fair and civilized process, but if she chooses to be a witch about it you can unleash all of your guns, which would include bringing the A into the picture.

Once the D is finalized you can choose to expose to people who are important to you which she may have poisoned or misinformed. Many people are disposable to you, so you don't have to expose to the whole world. But if she has badmouthed you to friends, your family, or your professional associates then it would be fine for you to set the record straight.

Keep all of your evidence secured where she can't destroy it.

I agree that exposure now would look like some kind of crazed desperate move. You want to be cool and businesslike.
 
#274 ·
Not sure why I find this funny (and it clearly violates the 180! Bad, Sarcasmo!!!), but I was paying the phone bill today and just had to look. The night I went out, she talked to the POSOM for almost 3 hours. Her texts to me were sandwiched around their phone call. Actually, she sent another text to me while on the phone with him. It's a shame that she is "working on herself" in this way. I wish her luck.

OK. Done with that. The next week is about me and the kids.
 
#276 ·
The reason you will not expose is the reason you let your marriage/family slide. You haven't/can't do it because you do not really want it. Like now, you are trying to get us to decide for you. Exposure works, all the arguements against it boil down to fear of doing anything proactive. What you really want to fo is sit back and watch.
 
#277 ·
I know most of you are done with/fed up with me, but I have added some updates to my private members section thread. Something will change today and I'm OK with either outcome.
 
#278 · (Edited)
Exposure is a go. I know some of you disagree with this tactic, but in light of recent events, I had no choice.

Feels good to finally "DO" something. Either this gets us quicker to D or quicker to R. I'm going to be OK either way.

Who had 3 1/2 months in the "How long until Sarcasmo grows a pair" pool? Not that they are fully grown yet.
 
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