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I'm Finally Done With Wife's EA

72K views 277 replies 47 participants last post by  sarcasmo 
#1 ·
I have to thank the guys over at NMMNG for helping me get over my fear and finally get up the courage to address this issue head-on, despite the potential outcomes.

FYI, my back-story:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/66745-do-i-confront-her.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/71730-recreational-companionship.html

I feel like tonight or tomorrow will be the day to finally set my boundary. I might wait until next week (kids keep us super busy, but no more excuses!), but I feel I'm ready to do it now. She has her IC tomorrow and we have date night on Friday. I figure we can spend date night figuring out the conditions of our separation or the conditions of our reconcilliation. Her choice.

Thanks to your support, I plan on setting a clear boundary: I will not be married to a woman who has a boyfriend. I will not share my wife with another man. If she cannot commit to a No Contact agreement (with the OM), then she has to move out and I will file for divorce. I will give her until Friday night to decide. That way she can talk it through with her IC.

The way I look at that, her IC is convinced I have abandonment issues, which I do, so I believe that's why she allows her to continue this affair. If the IC and my wife se that despite my abandonment issues, I'm ready to face them head-on, they may change their tune. No matter what she decides, this is for me. I just want to time it so she can work our her answer in her IC session.

I do plan on letting her know I will support her if she chooses to remain with me. I know if she will be experiencing a signifigant loss, and while I resent that, she will need reassurance that I can support her and I wont abandon her. In addition, there is no pressure to work on our marriage yet. This choice alone is a huge step towards reconcilliaiton. Once she moves out of her grief phase, we can move into repairing the marriage.

One more quick question. She has this vision of us continuing to be best friends after divorce. Spending time together with the kids, vacationing together, etc. I'm very forward thinking and this sounds interesting, but I don't think it's realistic. My parents had an awful divorce, but I know how to avoid that and remain friendly. But BFF's? That seems like too much. For one I'm not sure I can handle being around her in that situation. Maybe in time, when I'm stronger I can better handle it, but from here I feel like will just reopen the scars.

In addition, the bigger reason is how it will impact the kids. From what I understand, having these "family" times together just confuses them. Makes them relive the divorce over and over again. I don't want to perpetuate their pain. I know my wife views us as living as friends the last few years of our marriage so this seems reasonable to her, but is this really a realistic idea? I feel like I need to hit her with a dose of reality, but maybe I'm being too harsh of her view of divorce.

Thanks again to everyone for helping me on my journey.
 
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#2 · (Edited)
I feel like tonight or tomorrow will be the day to finally set my boundary. I might wait until next week (kids keep us super busy, but no more excuses!), but I feel I'm ready to do it now. She has her IC tomorrow and we have date night on Friday. I figure we can spend date night figuring out the conditions of our separation or the conditions of our reconcilliation. Her choice.
I feel for you. I went through this process over 4 years ago. And like you, an ultimatum was the only option left. My advice is that you are fully mentally prepared for this either way.

For me that was going through a "what if" discovery period. From putting together a long term budget, to visualizing items I would keep or take with me and researching apartment options.
The process was what I discovered to be "walking through that door" that I had been afraid to breach. Life without her. It put it in perspective and let me look at it logistically not emotionally. It prepped me for the conversation and the consequences.

What you are about to do probably scares the **** out of you as it did me, but it needed to be done. Do it in an environment you can control without interference. Do it with as much poise, composure and emotional stability as you can muster. Is short, to the point, stern and determined. Make sure she understands you are not afraid to do this.


Thanks to your support, I plan on setting a clear boundary: I will not be married to a woman who has a boyfriend. I will not share my wife with another man. If she cannot commit to a No Contact agreement (with the OM), then she has to move out and I will file for divorce. I will give her until Friday night to decide. That way she can talk it through with her IC.
Perfect, say it as succinctly as you have stated here.

I do plan on letting her know I will support her if she chooses to remain with me. I know if she will be experiencing a signifigant loss, and while I resent that, she will need reassurance that I can support her and I wont abandon her. In addition, there is no pressure to work on our marriage yet. This choice alone is a huge step towards reconcilliaiton. Once she moves out of her grief phase, we can move into repairing the marriage.
I may get some disagreement from the forum, but IMO you are spot on in recognizing that she will take time to turn. As a matter of fact, she will probably resent the hell out of you for forcing her hand. In our case I put a arbitrary 6 month period to let her get her feet back under herself. We still co parented, spent time together and I continued to work on my issues. I did not date or romance her, just let her stabilize. Once that seemed to happen we had the next conversation about the next steps in the marriage.


One more quick question. She has this vision of us continuing to be best friends after divorce. Spending time together with the kids, vacationing together, etc. I'm very forward thinking and this sounds interesting, but I don't think it's realistic. My parents had an awful divorce, but I know how to avoid that and remain friendly. But BFF's? That seems like too much. For one I'm not sure I can handle being around her in that situation. Maybe in time, when I'm stronger I can better handle it, but from here I feel like will just reopen the scars.

Why, you owe her nothing and she needs to understand that. Take the safety net away from her. She wants life with him or life away from you then she goes all in. You can continue to be a great father. You can co-parent with her civilly and with the mutual interests of the kids, but that's it. You fully intend to move on in life and she needs to too.

Good luck to you in this. I had this conversation with my wife 4.5 years ago. We are still together, very happy and in a loving marriage and TOM is long gone.
 
#3 ·
One more quick question. She has this vision of us continuing to be best friends after divorce.
This is BS - just her trying to reduce her guilt by making demands of you. If you can still be friends afterwards she really didn't hurt you that much, did she, so she doesn't need to feel too bad about it.

I hate it when the WS twists the knife just to make themselves feel better.

The correct answer is that she is not your friend. She lied to you and betrayed you. No friend does that.
 
#17 ·
This is BS - just her trying to reduce her guilt by making demands of you. If you can still be friends afterwards she really didn't hurt you that much, did she, so she doesn't need to feel too bad about it.

I hate it when the WS twists the knife just to make themselves feel better.

The correct answer is that she is not your friend. She lied to you and betrayed you. No friend does that.
Can I get an amen please! I mean really punch me in the face a few times then give me a hug and everything is forgiven eh?
 
#4 ·
I have to thank the guys over at NMMNG for helping me get over my fear and finally get up the courage to address this issue head-on, despite the potential outcomes.

FYI, my back-story:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/66745-do-i-confront-her.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/71730-recreational-companionship.html

I feel like tonight or tomorrow will be the day to finally set my boundary. I might wait until next week (kids keep us super busy, but no more excuses!), but I feel I'm ready to do it now. She has her IC tomorrow and we have date night on Friday. I figure we can spend date night figuring out the conditions of our separation or the conditions of our reconcilliation. Her choice.

Thanks to your support, I plan on setting a clear boundary: I will not be married to a woman who has a boyfriend. I will not share my wife with another man. If she cannot commit to a No Contact agreement (with the OM), then she has to move out and I will file for divorce. I will give her until Friday night to decide. That way she can talk it through with her IC.

The way I look at that, her IC is convinced I have abandonment issues, which I do, so I believe that's why she allows her to continue this affair. If the IC and my wife se that despite my abandonment issues, I'm ready to face them head-on, they may change their tune. No matter what she decides, this is for me. I just want to time it so she can work our her answer in her IC session.
I do plan on letting her know I will support her if she chooses to remain with me. I know if she will be experiencing a signifigant loss, and while I resent that, she will need reassurance that I can support her and I wont abandon her. In addition, there is no pressure to work on our marriage yet. This choice alone is a huge step towards reconcilliaiton. Once she moves out of her grief phase, we can move into repairing the marriage.

One more quick question. She has this vision of us continuing to be best friends after divorce. Spending time together with the kids, vacationing together, etc. I'm very forward thinking and this sounds interesting, but I don't think it's realistic. My parents had an awful divorce, but I know how to avoid that and remain friendly. But BFF's? That seems like too much. For one I'm not sure I can handle being around her in that situation. Maybe in time, when I'm stronger I can better handle it, but from here I feel like will just reopen the scars.

In addition, the bigger reason is how it will impact the kids. From what I understand, having these "family" times together just confuses them. Makes them relive the divorce over and over again. I don't want to perpetuate their pain. I know my wife views us as living as friends the last few years of our marriage so this seems reasonable to her, but is this really a realistic idea? I feel like I need to hit her with a dose of reality, but maybe I'm being too harsh of her view of divorce.

Thanks again to everyone for helping me on my journey.
Why let her decide? Why give her time? That is a very weak position and usually unsuccessful. She has been controlling you and you keep allowing it. Coming to her with that weak sauce... time to decide, I give you until a day to make your decision. This is what she hears when you allow her to decide... Please please please pick me.... it is weak.

Don't you think it is time to be strong? Stop being affaid of making the decision for her.
 
#191 ·
I haven't been feeling so good today. This is crystal clear clarity, and it's how it needs to be done.
 
#5 ·
I feel like tonight or tomorrow will be the day to finally set my boundary. I might wait until next week (kids keep us super busy, but no more excuses!), but I feel I'm ready to do it now.

Do not wait. Move forward ASAP. Waiting has gotten you to the point you find yourself at now!

One more quick question. She has this vision of us continuing to be best friends after divorce. Spending time together with the kids, vacationing together, etc.

Uh, NO! Explain to her that BFFs would not behave in this way. If she wants a friend after you divorce, tell her to get a dog. Tell her that the only dealings you plan on having with her will be about finances and the kids. You'll no longer be interested in her day and how her life is going.
 
#6 ·
This could have been written by me 2 years ago. Take it from someone who thought JUST LIKE YOU, who had a wife who said the EXACT SAME THING.
The ultimatum you have planned is the only solution, and, I would be willing to wager, that she will comply with it. Begrudgingly? Yes. Will there be some resentment? Yes. But in the end you AND your wife will respect you more.

If you back down from this, she will never respect you again. Promise. And she'll ramp up the relationship with the OM again.

Regarding the ridiculousness of being BFFs after divorce...this is the ULTIMATE in cake eating. Oh, your wife will get to have both of you! How awesome for her! She can still have the stability of family holidays and family vacations, and opening presents on Christmas, and screw her new, exciting man! With no awkwardness anymore! Amazing!

My tone is not to make fun of you. It's to illuminate how dumb that concept is. My wife made this exact speech to me. I told her she was batsh!t crazy if she thought we were going to continue spending holidays together, etc, and be the best of friends. I asked her how many of her divorced friends did this. Guess what? NONE! There is a reason for that.

Oh, and my wife actually made this speech to me before her affair, as part of her, "I'm not happy" rant.

But for a wife to say this AFTER an affair?? Seriously? My God.

Last, my wife said to me, during the early stages of our reconciliation, that the thought of me being cold to her, not being loving toward her and being businesslike only, absolutely killed her. She couldn't handle that consequence. Learn from this Sarcasmo...
 
#21 ·
Last, my wife said to me, during the early stages of our reconciliation, that the thought of me being cold to her, not being loving toward her and being businesslike only, absolutely killed her. She couldn't handle that consequence. Learn from this Sarcasmo...
To be clear, this was a good thing, right? Killed her in a good way, meaning she couldn't stand not getting your love and wanting to do whatever it takes to get it back. Right? We are talking 180 here, or a similar approach.

OK, other advice I have gleemed from this thread.

  • Stay strong. Stick to the point. Try to keep my emotions under check.
  • Don't give her until Friday. Make her decide tonight or possibly sleep on it. Ideally tonight.
  • TELL her I'm divorcing her if she doesn't end the relationship.
  • TELL her she is moving out if she doesn't end the relationship.
  • We will not be BFFs if we divorce. She is not treating me as a friend. She has lied to me a betrayed me. Friends don't do that to one another. Not to say our divorce wont be amicable for the kids, but get the idea out of your head that we will still be BFFs. How many dicorced people do we know that do this? None. There is a reason for that.
  • I should stay away from comforting her with words about being there for her during her period of recovery from the affair.
I'm really struggling with the last one. I do want to reassure her that I will be there for her. Validate that it isn't easy to let go of the POSOM. Let her know that I'm glad to develop my ability to meet her emotional needs as part of our marriage and look forward to doing that together. Maybe it's just the nice guy in me. Maybe it's the fact that I feel she needs to hear that from me because it's something I haven't said to her in the past. Maybe both. I want her to see that I'm strong and can take care of her/make her feel "safe". Not just one or the other.

Either way, this is going to happen tonight. Thanks again to everyone for their advice!
 
#7 ·
What does his wife say? You have exposed the affair to her right?

If not, why not? She has a right to know why her marriage is failing.

Your wife wants to remain a cake-eater after divorce. Disabuse her of that notion. She wants a boyfriend and a husband? NO WAY

She wants a friend after divorce? Get her a dog. She's been treating you like one. Get her a replacement.
 
#8 ·
What does his wife say? You have exposed the affair to her right?

If not, why not? She has a right to know why her marriage is failing.
I have not exposed them. He is separated, awaiting divorce. At this point, it wouldn't make much sense. Her friends already know, and to be honest, while they initally felt bad for me and couldn't support her, they are now doing the same sh*t in their marriages. Madness is like gravity. All it takes is a little push! Everyone around us is going friggin crazy!
 
#9 ·
This is one of the things my husband brought up in counseling...that everyone at every place he has ever worked has cheated. They are all cheaters. Because Im a SAHM and work for myself he doesnt think that I know what goes on in the real world. Im not stupid, I just dont think that if everyone jumps off a cliff you should jump too!!
 
#12 ·
Oh, yeah that friend thing....... afriend of mine started dating her husband well after his divorce. But, he had spent many years being "friends" with his ex wife and doing visitation as if they all three were still a family.

the daughter was 14 when my friend started dating him, and what she said the daughter said, sounded as if the wife had planted words in her mouth.

My friend's future husband was not allowed to do visitation with his daughter alone at that point and he had to forfeit the relationship with her completely.

My advice to anyone, maybe especially to men,do not do this friend thing because they ex wife may get just a little too comfortable when you are finally ready to have a relationship of your own again. My friend said that the ex wife had had at least one boyfriend since the divorce.
 
#15 ·
I figure we can spend date night figuring out the conditions of our separation or the conditions of our reconcilliation. Her choice.
There's your problem right there.

"Her choice".

Despite her cheating on you -and if she's meeting with the guy face to face as you seem to infer from your other thread then it's physical/sexual not just an EA- you're still leaving it all up to her.including what you're going to talk about, the conditions of possible reconciliation, etc.

That's weak, unattractive, it gives her all the power and leaves you with no self respect.

She's not going to want back in if she doesn't respect you. She won't respect you until you grow a set and tell her it's your choice, not hers, what may happen going forward with the marriage.
 
#30 ·
It's over. She chose divorce. I did really good for the first part of the confrontation. Set my boundary. Stayed calm and clear. All she could say was "I'm not moving out. I'm not abandoning my kids." (because she's so available right now)

She really didn't have much to say. She continues to insist this is about our marriage and not the EA. She is too afraid to enter back into the marriage. Fearing that she will become that person she doesn't like again. I understand this. It's the toxic dance we have played for a long time. My passivity played a big role in that, but she doesn't accept that I'm committed to change. Doesn't want to take a leap of faith and see if we can be better.

From there I should have walked away, but that's where I blew it. Now I just seem like the blabbering, pleading husband again. Any respect I gainined initially is gone. I screwed it up, but in reality, I didn't have much of a chance either.

The sad thing is I can tell she's not done with me. I can feel it in her tone. Maybe it's just sadness and tears over a dead marriage, but I feel part of her wants us to be OK and she can't overcome her fears. Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see and I need to move on.

In her eyes, she has ben trying to save our marriage. She's been living her life, trying to be a better Mom and person, hoping that she will feel something for me again. I bluntly said, how can you when he has taken over that place in your heart? She still doesn't see that.

So. Where do I go from here? Filing for divorce is obvious. I have to follow through on that. But who moves out? She refuses to. I'm a mess. Regretting even trying, but I know something had to change. I couldn't live like that any longer. Tomorrow is a new day.
 
#33 ·
So. Where do I go from here? Filing for divorce is obvious. I have to follow through on that. But who moves out? She refuses to. I'm a mess. Regretting even trying, but I know something had to change. I couldn't live like that any longer. Tomorrow is a new day.
It's never too late. File for divorce. Tell her it's over and you're not putting up with her behavior anymore. Tell her that she has to move out. Give her a time-line and tell her to be out by that date.

Tell her that you'll arrange a schedule to see the kids, and as for the being friends, tell her that you've no interest in it.
 
#31 ·
The sad thing is I can tell she's not done with me. I can feel it in her tone. Maybe it's just sadness and tears over a dead marriage, but I feel part of her wants us to be OK and she can't overcome her fears. Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see and I need to move on.

In her eyes, she has ben trying to save our marriage. She's been living her life, trying to be a better Mom and person, hoping that she will feel something for me again. I bluntly said, how can you when he has taken over that place in your heart? She still doesn't see that.
Oh come on!! Not again!! If she tells you something, believe it. That is what sane people do.
 
#32 ·
Friends after divorce. This ain't lala land. She just wants her cake and eat it too. Be up front right off the bat that the only connection you have after divorce will be text and email. You will find a new wife and relationships with exes are off the table.

She cheats on you and wants to be buddies.:rofl::rofl::mad:
 
#43 ·
I really, truly believe her that it isn't physical, at least not full on sexual (today...might have gone there in the past). I know I have no reason to believe her. She has lied to me and betrayed me, but I sense that she is honest about everything they are doing. For example, little things like her coming home from volleyball in her dirty clothes. This is a woman that would always shower before sex if she was the least bit dirty. I can't imagine her changing that behaviour now.

Really, at this point it doesn't even matter.
 
#38 ·
sarcasmo,

First I am so sorry you are here. Also I am a BS who filed for divorce from my WS in November and we have been living in the same house this whole time (we have no kids though).

It is very hard to apply the 180 when you see the person, but fortunately for me (i guess) after I served him with D papers, he was so mad that we did not speak at all for 7 weeks. If he tried to engage me, I would just either ignore him completely or speak to him as if he were colleague (this depended on what he asked me).

I think the easiest way to get through this and apply the 180 is to completely focus on yourself and the kids, socialize as much as possible outside of the house, try to pretend this person is a stranger or a really bad roommate. Also I agree with the above saying dress well and take care of yourself. And never share with her what you are doing or with whom you are socializing - she is not entitled to information about your life anymore (unless it deals with the kids or divorce).

It is so hard but you can do it.
 
#39 ·
No one actuall as to move out. If she won't go, let her stay. Mst importantly, it's your house too do you should be staying put.

It's doesn't mean you have to engage her or be friendly. I don't mean be hostile, I mean to be cold and indifferent.

It also means that you come and go without getting her permission or giving her the details.
 
#41 ·
this isn't over sarcasmo. But you really need to change your mindset and show her you can move on without her. I know it isn't easy to do, but it is a must. Her fog with the OM won't last, as long as you don't play into it. Be strong, consider it over and work towards yourself and your kids. She might beg you back (many have), she might not.... but YOU need to move on either way.
 
#46 ·
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#51 ·
Very true.

And I think it works the other way around. Husbands want to be "nice" with their wives so they don't think they're disgusting perverts - so they don't push for anything that could be considered too "dirty". The AP doesn't care - he can treat her like a complete ***** and if she doesn't like it he can just walk on to the next one - who might enjoy being treated that way.
 
#54 ·
I have to say that I have very briefly considered adopting POSOM's modus operandi - find emotionally vulnerable women who are unhappy in their marriages, shower them with compliments and attention, use them for a while, dump them, rinse and repeat.

It would turn my stomach to actually do it, but you can see the attraction.
 
#60 ·
Maybe I'm being too cold and indifferent towards her. I'm being fine to the kids and everyone else. I'm just not engaging in conversation. Ignoring texts. She has expressed this fear that I will hate her (no sh*t!!) and so she sees my actions as moving to a place of hatred. Maybe I need to be more friendly to her? Not as cold?
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