Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

As a BS, do you feel like damaged goods?

14K views 113 replies 35 participants last post by  carpenoctem 
#1 ·
I'm in the process of divorcing my WW. Life has been much better as a whole since I left her after we attempted R for a couple months. I am dating and have found a wonderful woman, and things are progressing nicely.

I am a very confident guy and have done very well with the ladies since the split. Everyone tells me what a positive change they have seen within in me. I have "come alive".

Sometimes, though, when I think about what she did, I feel the stigma of being a BS. A cuckold. Oh yeah, I'm one of those guys. It doesn't generally effect me or bring me down, but that stigma is there.

Thoughts? Do you feel like damaged goods? Are you tainted? Are you carrying around all this baggage now?

How does it make you feel?
 
#2 ·
Mostly, no. I don't. Except for every once in a long while, something hits me right between the eyes and I'm right back to D day. Triggers do fade with time, but it looks like they may never entirely go away. So yeah, once in a while I do feel damaged. I am damaged - there's nothing I have ever lived through that was as devastating as what he did. Nothing even close. I don't know how anyone could possible NOT be damaged from it.

The trick is to live THROUGH the bad times and not wallow in them, and definitely not stuff them. Even the bad triggers can be used as recovery tools. Whether you're with the WS or not.
 
#3 ·
The-Deceived,

You seem to be progressing much faster than I would have guessed a few months ago. I remember telling you that you would be here helping others in a couple of years to get through the pain that you felt.

Good work!

As a BS (full of b.s. too), I still have times where I feel the damage. It is has progressively lessened since the d-days, the bad attempts at R, the D, the dating, and now the happily re-married part.

I find myself loving my new wife because she is different. She is also similar in some ways to the exWW. I feel I trigger mildly when she does things that haunt me from those good ole cheating days of the ex. ;)

My damage seems to be a permanent thing when I compare myself to my old me.

Change? I guess a more positive way to look at the "damage" is by thinking of it as change. I have changed.

The thing that scares me is that I can't love as freely as I ever did in my prior mental state. I would prefer to love blindly, and know that it would be returned.

My trust for my exWW would never be there. That is why the D was better for me than R.

My trust for my new wife will likely never hit the 100% mark, even though she has not done anything to damage it. Maybe 98%.

What I am saying is that the carefree days of being married no matter what to my love are gone. I have a stronger determination to never go through the hell again. I also doubt I would ever be as devestated again. Even if my beautiful, sweet new wife decides to have an affair, it wouldn't be nearly as deep of a hurt as was the first time with the ex.
 
#6 ·
Thanks brother. My family (esp. my mom and dad) told me from the start they knew I would be a happier, healthier person, and that I would find someone amazing. Hard to believe when you're neck deep in anguish. But man, were they right.

Totally OT - but check out my new song. I wrote it, played all instruments (except for the drums), sang and produced it. My best work yet, thanks to my new life and new outlook.

www.aaronpenton.net/gun.mp3

Funnily enough, the lyrics were written pre-D day. :confused:

In terms of loving freely and with total trust again - that I don't know about. I'm not at that stage yet, but I wonder if I'm a less trusting person now. Probably. I agree with what you said about it not hurting as bad if it happened again. I think we BS's build a bit of a wall around our hearts after the misery of betrayal.

I'm also more tuned into cheating behaviors now. Looking back, there were signs. My stbxw is a very, very damaged, insecure person with low self esteem. The woman I'm seeing now is the polar opposite. Super confident, competent, intelligent and sexy as hell. A vibrant, sparkly woman.

Time will tell, I suppose, how deep the damage is. I know not every woman is a cheater. I know that's an irrational thought.

There's no question, though. A WS has forever changed who you are, to the core. In some ways for the worse, in many ways for the better. I'm definitely more of a "man" than I was before. My confidence is higher than ever.

Odd.
 
#5 · (Edited)
I'm in the process of divorcing my WW. Life has been much better as a whole since I left her after we attempted R for a couple months. I am dating and have found a wonderful woman, and things are progressing nicely.
First off, congratulations for making the decision to cut that cancer out of your life and free yourself. It will be tough, but once everything is done and the ink is dried, you will live again, and well.

x-BS here and no, never felt like damaged goods, and neither should you. The dating world actually confirmed that I am refurbished goods;) Better than before and I actually dated a few women that told me they waited for me to be back on the market.

You are going to open yourself up to alot of exciting possibilities and like me, wish you had made the decision to divorce much sooner.

I am a very confident guy and have done very well with the ladies since the split. Everyone tells me what a positive change they have seen within in me. I have "come alive".
That right there should tell you that you are not damaged goods. Like wine and scotch, better with age:D

Sometimes, though, when I think about what she did, I feel the stigma of being a BS. A cuckold. Oh yeah, I'm one of those guys. It doesn't generally effect me or bring me down, but that stigma is there.
If you are divorcing her, then you aren't a cuckold. And being cheated on says nothing about you, but everything about her character
 
#7 ·
First off, congratulations for making the decision to cut that cancer out of your life and free yourself. It will be tough, but once everything is done and the ink is dried, you will live again, and well.

x-BS here and no, never felt like damaged goods, and neither should you. The dating world actually confirmed that I am refurbished goods;) Better than before and I actually dated a few women that told me they waited for me to be back on the market.

You are going to open yourself up to alot of exciting possibilities and like me, wish you had made the decision to divorce much sooner.



That right there should tell you that you are not damaged goods. Like wine and scotch, better with age:D



If you are divorcing her, then you aren't a cuckold. And being cheated on says nothing about you, but everything about the character of her.
Thanks, great post. I LOVE the "refurbished goods" bit. Brilliant and 100% accurate. :)

I'm really happy for you as well. Put a smile on my face.
 
#13 ·
Be less trusting, even that means not being naive and always being aware, nothing wrong with that.

I think being cheated on teaches harsh lessons about life, some people are built in with distrust and at the first sign of trouble cut and run...others not so much.

You should be glad you have a clean start and are with someone you can enjoy being with. What is in the past is now the past. Be aware but also enjoy life, after all the BS you are more than entitled to it.
 
#15 ·
One more thought about the stigma before I head home to my new love.

The stigma for me is always the feeling that I did something to make her cheat. People on the outside usually want to lay some of the blame on the BS. Not to start up with the gender stuff, but I feel it is worse when people look at a BH.

Society often assumes men are the arseholes and women are the victims. I would add that I don't feel this at all here on TAM.

The stigma is based on that view that why would a sweet woman cheat. He must of deserved it. Totally false, but I do feel that sometimes from the pop media or in conversations with people in general.

The silver lining is that you and I were put in a position to marry-up to a better woman. Faithful men in a middle-aged singles market have a huge advantage, imho.

It really doesn't matter what the outsiders think. I know the truth, and I sleep well at night. :)
 
#17 ·
I wonder if part of the damaged good feelings come from the wayward spouse gaslighting their BS.

I think its common for cheaters, when caught and worried about being judged by the community, try to paint the BS as some sort of monster or blameshift. My x-wife did this and it backfired on her. She lost many friends over it.
 
#35 ·
It's important to shut this down early. Stop any attempts quickly, and it goes away. Goes like this...

"you never talked to me anymore" - yea, because you were talking to your boyfriend

"You stopped going for drives with me" - I wanted to, but you were spending so much time planning to sneak away with your boyfriend and going for drives with him so you weren't available

"You were too controlling and jealous" - Yea, because you were cheating and I knew something wasn't right.. they call it instinct, and it was spot on.

When you say 'hey, can I sleep with x from work?' and I say 'yes', then I take some of the blame.
 
This post has been deleted
#23 ·
Lanie, I'm sure this won't mean much, but there ARE good, faithful, loving, trustworthy men out there. You're chatting with one right now. :)

I endured a sh*t marriage, CONSTANT cheating accusations for 15 hellish years, and was then cheated on.

I never once came close to cheating, despite all that. And I would never cheat in the future.

I hope you realize this is true. There ARE good men out there.

Also, I'm very sorry for your pain.
 
#30 ·
I feel that way myself to some degree on occasion.. Like there has to be a fault with me to explain the cheating. But the truth is its not my fault he cheated.. So there's not a defect in me, there's one in him.

Cheaters get off on being fought for.. I have no idea why but many of them lOvE the drama... I hated every minute
Posted via Mobile Device
 
  • Like
Reactions: thatbpguy
#31 ·
I'm in the process of divorcing my WW. Life has been much better as a whole since I left her after we attempted R for a couple months. I am dating and have found a wonderful woman, and things are progressing nicely.

I am a very confident guy and have done very well with the ladies since the split. Everyone tells me what a positive change they have seen within in me. I have "come alive".

Damaged, yes. Damaged goods, no. Big difference.

Sometimes, though, when I think about what she did, I feel the stigma of being a BS. A cuckold. Oh yeah, I'm one of those guys. It doesn't generally effect me or bring me down, but that stigma is there.

Thoughts? Do you feel like damaged goods? Are you tainted? Are you carrying around all this baggage now?

How does it make you feel?
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#32 ·
It damages part of you. Deny it and lie about it, I believe.

We lived with expectations, a promise, a "deal" and it got blown away like cigarette ashes off a picnic table. Like it was nothing. Like my heart meant nothing. Like all the work I'd done, all the pain I'd silently endured before the affair, all the sacrifices I made in order to MAKE THIS WORK and it meant nothing to her.

Something inside changes when that happens. Call it damage or adjustment or learning or whatever, it's a change in ME that I never wanted to feel, never planned on, never prepared for except in bad dreams...

The pain pierces, then subsides. Then it shreiks at me, then it whimpers away under my strength and anger. I carry a shield and sword in the outside world, don't you dare get close to me or mine, mo-fo! I'm friends with NOBODY but God.

Before all that I was gregarious, outgoing, social, had a lot of fun hobbies... Now I spend my time inside the house, not really wanting to go out even though I know there are many wonders out there. I'm not afraid of the world, but we as a couple seem to be. There are triggers everywhere.

Am I broken? Certainly not! Nobody breaks this man. Am I damaged? Call it what you want, it wasn't something I wanted but it's in me now. I call that damage, just like when you walk out into the parking lot and see a scratch or ding on your Corvette. You look around and wonder "who the f*** did that???" And you get pissed. The damage is there, no matter how mad you get or what body shop you go to.

You can't un-know it.

It sucks.
 
#33 ·
I have to second everything you said.. Even years later you can't completely forget it.

Even now my subconscious worries what else he might have done.. When he sits out in his truck for a half hour after returning from work I get suspicious..

The WS takes a piece of us when they cheat.. They leave us forever worried about "next time". They make us wonder if it would hurt them as much if BS had been the one who'd cheated.. It causes us to lose love for them. A lil piece every time it happens. Everytime you get that cold, shaky feeling in your gut you vow you won't let them hurt you again..

I'm not sure if it's damaged as much as losing that naiveivity you use to have. Trust is hard to win back... And I'm not sure they ever get it back 100% or that we ever give it again to anyone..
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#36 ·
I feel kinda dumb for being with my ex for as long as I was. We had some really good times, but she had so many problems that, deep in my gut, I knew she was more trouble than she was worth.

I almost wish she would have cheated on me 2 years earlier.

I feel a bit damaged when I'm out with the current GF and her friends and realize that I am 8 years older than everyone. I'm the cynical old dude. 2 years earlier I was the youngest guy at the table.

I feel a bit damaged when I realized that, when my Dad was my age, I was 7 and he was my hero. I've got a niece that I barely see, but at least I have that.

I feel a bit damaged when a crazy story about my ex comes up and I can just feel my GF wondering if I really am the confident guy she thinks I am. "Why the hell did he put up with that?"

But **** it... I'm still better off.
 
#37 ·
I think maybe these feelings are also what holds back going through R. I am trying, really am, and I do make progress but sometimes I am just dead inside. I will see a picture that I took during those times, and it will take me back right to it like day one. Happened to me the other night. I was cleaning out my iPhone pictures, and saw one of my baby boy, with the W in the background texting. Not 100% sure who, but I have an idea.

Damaged, oh ya. Might be why right now I am sitting in my garage alone, at almost 930pm listening to ATC streams.

It's not all the time though, just a couple times a week I have to hold back anger, sorrow, and such and just fake through it to keep this R going to get back to normal.

Would love to hear from some people who have been over it for years now and see how they answer.
 
#88 ·
I will see a picture that I took during those times, and it will take me back right to it like day one. Happened to me the other night. I was cleaning out my iPhone pictures, and saw one of my baby boy, with the W in the background texting. Not 100% sure who, but I have an idea.

Delete all the pictures from that time period. It's very cleansing.

Damaged, oh ya. Might be why right now I am sitting in my garage alone, at almost 930pm listening to ATC streams.

ATC streams, really? I like to hear crime shows on netflix lol. Unless you are streaming a pretty busy ATC, there can be lots of dead time/static :)

It's not all the time though, just a couple times a week I have to hold back anger, sorrow, and such and just fake through it to keep this R going to get back to normal.

Some days are better than others, I always say. :whistle:

Would love to hear from some people who have been over it for years now and see how they answer.
 
#38 ·
The first time he left, I did feel like damaged goods. Or that I did something wrong. Which I did--- and I went to therapy and fixed it. Then I lived an honest life for the last 2 years.

He left this time and I know it's HIM who is damaged and effed up. Good riddance. His energy is so bad, I can't handle him being around my home...
 
#44 ·
From the OP:

Sometimes, though, when I think about what she did, I feel the stigma of being a BS. A cuckold. Oh yeah, I'm one of those guys.
I feel that way sometimes. But in my case it is mainly because POSOM is a very fit guy, trains every day (not much else in his life I guess) and loves posting naked and semi-naked pictures of himself on the internet. And I'm sure that his physique is something that my STBXW was strongly attracted to. I'm sure she feels flattered to have bagged such a fit guy (although other women I have shown his site to have said "ewwwwwww, who would ever go near a guy who thinks so much of himself").

Without those pics I wouldn't feel bad about myself, but sometimes male pride makes it hard not to feel second best. However, I do feel like I am a far better person than him.
 
#45 ·
Voltaire...what I'm gonna say probably will make no sense, but I'm gonna say it anyway.

There is a choice to make between to motorcycles. One is a slick, hopped up Orange County Choppers made machine with custom everything. All bright and shiny. The other is a Panhead with some dings in it, but has all of it's pieces parts.

The lawyer/doctor/retiree who has cash to throw around will 9 times outta 10 buy the OCC machine cuz it's big and shiny and was built by OCC and they got themselves a TV show and it's slick even though it's fake as hell. They will buy into the hype, even though the bike is sh-t and holds enough gas to get ya about 30 miles. Perfect for the wannabe who trailers his trash.

The guy who knows bikes will take the Panhead every single f'ng time. Why? Cuz it's a Panhead and ain't some pretty package with a bunch of sh-t thrown on it to look appealing.

Let your wannabe STBXW choose the OCC machine. It will never pass the first year without breaking down all the time, she'll be lucky if the f'ng thing even starts and...like all junk "bikes" like it - every other wannabe is gonna want a ride.

There's more chicks out there who dig a Panhead. That...I can promise you.
 
#47 ·
Voltaire...what I'm gonna say probably will make no sense, but I'm gonna say it anyway.
No, makes perfect sense, Dig - and as I say I feel like I am a far better person than POSOM. But unfortunately evolution has equipped we men to be physically competitive and we put far too much emphasis on appearances - and its hard not to let that get to you sometimes.
 
  • Like
Reactions: SomedayDig
#52 ·
Sometimes I feel like a doormat for giving him another chance. He has told me I'm too good to him, and, maybe I am. He knows he's on his last chance with me. He's told me it will never happen again, but if it did, he would leave and I could "have it all" which of course means the debt too,(half of it anyway), whoopie!
There are times he wants me to do something for him and I feel like he wants me to act as if nothing happened and I just can't do it, anything. If it makes me feel subservient or used, I just can't do it.
 
#54 ·
Do I feel like damaged goods? Oh hell no! And this is my SECOND time being betrayed after my first wife cheated on me with her college boyfriend. I know I can move on because I've had to before.

In the beginning, it seems the pain never ends. But time does indeed heal wounds. It WILL get better.
 
#56 ·
Yes, I do feel like damaged good. Trust for me was always automatic, it never occurred to me NOT to trust. Also, losing my H to such a piece of trash woman (his first wife!) has shattered my self esteem, my confidence, and my faith in people in general. Maybe losing that automatic trust will be a good thing in the long run, because maybe I will have a better filter on who it is that I get involved with. :(
 
#68 ·
Do I feel like damaged goods? I did... I don't anymore... I took control of my life as much as the courts will allow and my life keeps improving all the time.

Why would you let someone who is such a turd that they would cheat on you, destroy your family and be so selfish that they don't care who they hurt have any influence on you?

If a POS human thought you are damaged goods, well then you must be doing something right.

See the world with confidence. You may not always be right but if you are doing your best, that is right enough...
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top