Burning out with all this
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-07-2013, 12:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Burning out with all this

I posted this thread in another place a few weeks back but I am not convinced that many of the responders really connected with what I'm feeling and going through. The forum was not specific to infidelities. I'm burned out so I'm going to apologize in advance and simply copy/paste the last thread block which describes my situation fairly well with minimal editing to incorporate some of the posts.

Today is another dark day for me and I'm seeking some input, help, suggestions once again. I feel this crowd is better suited to talk.

---
To provide some context all this happened before our child was born. We had been together for several years at this point. About a year after the affair, but prior to my discovery, we found out she was pregnant. This came as a surprised but I was thrilled. At about 1 year old while helping sort old email I discovered the affair.

At first she denied EVERYTHING before I showed her the emails. After the emails she would not admit to anything at all. Slowly, after pulling information from her bit by bit referencing emails she has slowly admitted to him kissing her once, and her kissing him once. She claims the timeline snippets below represent when she kissed him.

I cannot wrap my head around this being only a kiss. I just want the truth. Is it possible this is only a kiss? I cant see how, but I'd love to here that it is even if its delusional.

This is a recurring theme even half a decade later that this problem continues to arise in our relationship. Most days are good, but the bad days are really bad and put me into a very bad bad spot. My head is filled with darkness. Today is such a day.

For several reasons I cannot leave as it will harm our child. The situation is unique in this regard and I dont want to get into it. We need to live together at least until income at least doubles. For the same reason, unusual costs, therapy is not an option. My workplace offers no help with helplines or therapy.

I've tried to put together a timeline from the parts concerning the "kiss". I've figured out the rest, I realize its an emotional affair. It was instantly obvious over the hundreds of emails, seeing the number alone was only about half as reading the threads it was obvious many of them are missing.

We are now almost 30, this happened early/mid 20's. Not married at the time but since married with 1 child.

---timeline---
Month 1: Guy moves to town for work. An old BF/FWB of hers. He's married with kids. Nearly a decade older.

Month 2-4: Lots of chat and phone calls

Month 5: Lots of meetings hangout most weekends with us

Month 6 start: Emails get explicit about liking one another signed with xoxo's and using cutesy nicknames. He tried to kiss her at least once but did not tell me.

Month 6 midway QUESTION STARTS HERE:

Friday: We hang out at a bar Friday night. Lots of drinking. He crashes at our place due to drinking and not wanting to drive.

Saturday email (him->her): snip..." anyways...i just wanted to tell you i had a great time last night..i really needed it...i realize that we will probably always feel this way towards each other...and that alcohol still has that affect...lol...anyways.."...snip

Saturday email (her->him reply): snip..."Well, what do i say? lol i am speachless. kinda feeling weird about not being able to chill anymore. "...snip..."also about last night alcohole does get to me obviously but i want you to know that it is what i wanted to do sober but didn't have the guts so i saw and opening and took it cause i needed that to be able to, i don't know what but it made me realize i still had such strong feelings for you it is not even funny"...snip

Saturday email (him->her reply): snip...".i wanted so much more last night...so much more...cause i know it would be amazing to hold and be with you without the worry of being caught...but when you moved in on me....lol...wow....i was shocked..."...snip

Monday: His contract ends and moves back out of town.

Tuesday email (him->her): snip..."i had a really good time last weekend...i found out a lot of things you know with everything that happened...i didnt want to come back into your life and start screwing with your head...i kinda acted selfishly...i should of known better...i just couldnt help myself."...snip

Wednesday email (her->him reply): Talks about wishing they could continue to see each other but cannot due to distance and how much they miss each other.
(2 weeks later) Thursday email (him->her reply): Talking about the bar and snip...".it gives me a warm feeling to know that i have an effect on you like that.."...snip

Thursday (him->her reply): In reply to an email talking about past flirting and sexy emails snip..." i had a great summer....i only wish that what happened the last night there could of happened earlier..but i understand that your not like me and it probably took that amount of alcohol to cross that line...but it was nice to feel that one more time...it was meant to happen and i am glad it did..lol"...snip

Contact slowed after he moved away. At some point one of them cut contact completely. She claims she cut, emails feel like he was the one drifting away though and may have cut contact. He tried to contact her years later after I knew and she showed me immediately and I reiterated not to contact us and confronted him. Geography promises that they are not in touch physically now and I have all email accounts that I know about.

---end timeline---

I apologize for cutting the emails short like this in snippets and not including them entirely. I'm already very ashamed to be in this situation and asking for help and input, its the first time I've shared this with anyone in years. I really would rather not include more copy pastes but will add any details needed.
I've read enough forms and other situations to know I'm likely delusional. She will likely never admit to more except the kiss though. I need to know how to move past this, how to get the truth from her. I've tried all I can think of. I may not even know what I want really.

Summary: (now) wife may have cheated years ago before our child was born. It was at least an emotional affair but is it a physical affair besides the kiss?

To clarify I have confronted here several years ago after our child was born. She denies anything besides a kiss and says she does not remember much of the night in question. She cannot answer basic details AT ALL about it (standing/sitting, which room, anything). I was asleep as I crashed out after the bar and she stayed up to catch up talking with him.

I'm STD tested every 3 months since this event as its covered by workplace (one of a few things covered). Paternity is assured as we already required medical tests in this regard which also provided confidence of paternity (its mine, or my fathers, and he is dead for 20 years).
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Burning out with all this

details are not enough to conclude if your wife had a full blown physical affair.
But she did cross the marital boundaries.
How does she respond to your questions?
Not remembering may just be another way to say dont ask me more.
Your mistake is that you revealed your source of information. Emails. Now it seems that either the affair has gone deep underground or she is just hiding other things.
Keep normal. Start digging more. Phone records?
The OM is a friend, right? How does he deal with you these days?
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Burning out with all this

Gaslighting and trickle truthing must really hurt. Have you had counselling to help you get through your wife's betrayal?

Some people recommend light detector tests, which might help.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Burning out with all this

This stuff sucks.

It seems that the issue of them having sex or not really isn't your problem. She cheated on your relationship and broke your vows regardless if they did the deed.

What to do now?

She has done the classic "rug sweeping."

Trust is shot.

It sounds like you need to do something to break the torment that you are in.

I am puzzled why the issue is coming to a head now. Is something else happening to cause you to trigger?

Tried counseling?
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Burning out with all this

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Originally Posted by AngryandUsed View Post
details are not enough to conclude if your wife had a full blown physical affair.
But she did cross the marital boundaries.
How does she respond to your questions?
Not remembering may just be another way to say dont ask me more.
Your mistake is that you revealed your source of information. Emails. Now it seems that either the affair has gone deep underground or she is just hiding other things.
Keep normal. Start digging more. Phone records?
The OM is a friend, right? How does he deal with you these days?
She responds by shutting down and saying how stupid she was. She really goes silent and totally looks sheepish and like she cannot speak.

I revealed in anger when first discovered. This was before I started reading online. I'm confident the affair ended and did not go underground given what I know today, geography, keylogger and having access to phone records. Old phone records from this time period are inaccessible and I've went through all email (main account, they did not try hide it better).

OM was a pretend friend in retrospect he only was a friend to get close to her. At least thats the way I view it. He was some kind of ex of hers. I have no contact with him and when I did try he buried it. He has a wife and several kids before and since the affair so denies everything directly but has bragged to his close friends about this affair and we have some overlap in social circles.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Burning out with all this

Well, you can tell her you set up a polygraph test for her and then see her reaction. Now that you said he bragged about it I would.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Burning out with all this

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Originally Posted by Lovemytruck View Post
This stuff sucks.

It seems that the issue of them having sex or not really isn't your problem. She cheated on your relationship and broke your vows regardless if they did the deed.

What to do now?

She has done the classic "rug sweeping."

Trust is shot.

It sounds like you need to do something to break the torment that you are in.

I am puzzled why the issue is coming to a head now. Is something else happening to cause you to trigger?

Tried counseling?
I've triggered off and on for years now. More recently though I seem to be triggering over everything and I am not sure why. High stress has always brought on more triggering but lately even when not stressed I cant seem to forget. Its like I forgave for some time and then my mind started putting more together and I had an "AHA" moment, reread the emails, and had more questions and now trigger all over the place. Its only very recently that I could even bring myself to read the whole set of emails beginning to end in one sitting. This could have something to do with it, as I discovered things and questions I didnt originally think to ask.

Counselling is not an option due to finances. Its not a matter of making it work the income is too high for a sliding scale and the bills (medical especially) very much to high to consider. I've looked at churches and other options but none in my area offer those services except to members or converts, or in some cases only with a priest (but no professional background in therapy).
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:14 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Burning out with all this

I would be surprised if this was not a physical affair. The trickle truth is a killer as you now never know. Ask her about a polygraph do your homework first on how much they cost and where it can be done in your area. Judge her reaction. You may be stunned at the confession or sudden remembers of details. For me this is the real benefit of a polygraph.


If if not physical she still betrayed you and your marriage in favor of him. Will you tolerate that?

Good luck
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:16 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Burning out with all this

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Originally Posted by affairfromyearsago View Post
Most days are good, but the bad days are really bad and put me into a very bad bad spot. My head is filled with darkness. Today is such a day.

For several reasons I cannot leave as it will harm our child.
Isn't it harming your child to have a parent whose head is constantly "filled with darkness"?
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:17 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Burning out with all this

if the OM btagged about this, then they got physically sufficiently closer. she draws blank when you ask. All this is not a good sign.
Lie detection may prove helpful.
is it your breaking point, if it went physical?
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:18 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Well, you can tell her you set up a polygraph test for her and then see her reaction. Now that you said he bragged about it I would.
I disagree with polygraph tests. If the trust in the relationship is so blown that you have to rely on an electronic test, then the marriage is already over.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:20 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Isn't it harming your child to have a parent whose head is constantly "filled with darkness"?
Medical reasons require someone 24/7. Neither can afford the care if we split.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:22 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by AngryandUsed View Post
if the OM btagged about this, then they got physically sufficiently closer. she draws blank when you ask. All this is not a good sign.
Lie detection may prove helpful.
is it your breaking point, if it went physical?
I just want to know. I've handled all the things I DO know about exceptionally well. Its the unanswered questions and "I dont remember" things that drive me insane.

I cant honestly say if it is a breaking point. Its doubtful we'll split for a few years due to other circumstances but I can at least try mentally deal with the issue once its brought to light one way or another. I just cant buy into the lack of details she can provide.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:25 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Burning out with all this

First and foremost, she remembers. Don't buy that line of BS anymore.

Sorry but their past ("Month 1: Guy moves to town for work. An old BF/FWB of hers.") makes it pretty likely that something more than a kiss happened.

It also sounds to me that your wife was the pursuer (W - also about last night alcohole does get to me obviously but i want you to know that it is what i wanted to do sober but didn't have the guts so i saw and opening and took it cause i needed that to be able to, i don't know what but it made me realize i still had such strong feelings for you it is not even funny".) and his reply also reinforces this ("...but when you moved in on me....lol...wow....i was shocked...")

Could it just have been a kiss? Sure but I have trouble buying that considering the history here and that she was the agressor.

I think the only way you'd get to the bottom is to polygraph her.

So much time has passed and you still don't even know what their past relationship was? Oh Hel! No! It's time for her to cowboy up and be honest with you.

She's lying to you in a number of areas. Also, having this guy around you that she fvcked in the past (acting like a friend and such) was very disrespectful to you and she practically cuckholded you by doing this in YOUR house, regardless if it was a peck on the cheek or full blown monkey sex.

She owes you answers!
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:26 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Burning out with all this

you are in a tough position.
You want truth and she is not giving you the truth.
Can you try counseling?
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