I posted this thread in another place a few weeks back but I am not convinced that many of the responders really connected with what I'm feeling and going through. The forum was not specific to infidelities. I'm burned out so I'm going to apologize in advance and simply copy/paste the last thread block which describes my situation fairly well with minimal editing to incorporate some of the posts.
Today is another dark day for me and I'm seeking some input, help, suggestions once again. I feel this crowd is better suited to talk.
To provide some context all this happened before our child was born. We had been together for several years at this point. About a year after the affair, but prior to my discovery, we found out she was pregnant. This came as a surprised but I was thrilled. At about 1 year old while helping sort old email I discovered the affair.
At first she denied EVERYTHING before I showed her the emails. After the emails she would not admit to anything at all. Slowly, after pulling information from her bit by bit referencing emails she has slowly admitted to him kissing her once, and her kissing him once. She claims the timeline snippets below represent when she kissed him.
I cannot wrap my head around this being only a kiss. I just want the truth. Is it possible this is only a kiss? I cant see how, but I'd love to here that it is even if its delusional.
This is a recurring theme even half a decade later that this problem continues to arise in our relationship. Most days are good, but the bad days are really bad and put me into a very bad bad spot. My head is filled with darkness. Today is such a day.
For several reasons I cannot leave as it will harm our child. The situation is unique in this regard and I dont want to get into it. We need to live together at least until income at least doubles. For the same reason, unusual costs, therapy is not an option. My workplace offers no help with helplines or therapy.
I've tried to put together a timeline from the parts concerning the "kiss". I've figured out the rest, I realize its an emotional affair. It was instantly obvious over the hundreds of emails, seeing the number alone was only about half as reading the threads it was obvious many of them are missing.
We are now almost 30, this happened early/mid 20's. Not married at the time but since married with 1 child. ---timeline---
Month 1: Guy moves to town for work. An old BF/FWB of hers. He's married with kids. Nearly a decade older.
Month 2-4: Lots of chat and phone calls
Month 5: Lots of meetings hangout most weekends with us
Month 6 start: Emails get explicit about liking one another signed with xoxo's and using cutesy nicknames. He tried to kiss her at least once but did not tell me.
Month 6 midway QUESTION STARTS HERE:
Friday: We hang out at a bar Friday night. Lots of drinking. He crashes at our place due to drinking and not wanting to drive.
Saturday email (him->her): snip..." anyways...i just wanted to tell you i had a great time last night..i really needed it...i realize that we will probably always feel this way towards each other...and that alcohol still has that affect...lol...anyways.."...snip
Saturday email (her->him reply): snip..."Well, what do i say? lol i am speachless. kinda feeling weird about not being able to chill anymore. "...snip..."also about last night alcohole does get to me obviously but i want you to know that it is what i wanted to do sober but didn't have the guts so i saw and opening and took it cause i needed that to be able to, i don't know what but it made me realize i still had such strong feelings for you it is not even funny"...snip
Saturday email (him->her reply): snip...".i wanted so much more last night...so much more...cause i know it would be amazing to hold and be with you without the worry of being caught...but when you moved in on me....lol...wow....i was shocked..."...snip
Monday: His contract ends and moves back out of town.
Tuesday email (him->her): snip..."i had a really good time last weekend...i found out a lot of things
you know with everything that happened...i didnt want to come back into your life and start screwing with your head...i kinda acted selfishly...i should of known better...i just couldnt help myself."...snip
Wednesday email (her->him reply): Talks about wishing they could continue to see each other but cannot due to distance and how much they miss each other.
(2 weeks later) Thursday email (him->her reply): Talking about the bar and snip...".it gives me a warm feeling to know that i have an effect on you like that.."...snip
Thursday (him->her reply): In reply to an email talking about past flirting and sexy emails snip..." i had a great summer....i only wish that what happened the last night there could of happened earlier..but i understand that your not like me and it probably took that amount of alcohol to cross that line...but it was nice to feel that one more time...it was meant to happen and i am glad it did..lol"...snip
Contact slowed after he moved away. At some point one of them cut contact completely. She claims she cut, emails feel like he was the one drifting away though and may have cut contact. He tried to contact her years later after I knew and she showed me immediately and I reiterated not to contact us and confronted him. Geography promises that they are not in touch physically now and I have all email accounts that I know about. ---end timeline---
I apologize for cutting the emails short like this in snippets and not including them entirely. I'm already very ashamed to be in this situation and asking for help and input, its the first time I've shared this with anyone in years. I really would rather not include more copy pastes but will add any details needed.
I've read enough forms and other situations to know I'm likely delusional. She will likely never admit to more except the kiss though. I need to know how to move past this, how to get the truth from her. I've tried all I can think of. I may not even know what I want really.
Summary: (now) wife may have cheated years ago before our child was born. It was at least an emotional affair but is it a physical affair besides the kiss?
To clarify I have confronted here several years ago after our child was born. She denies anything besides a kiss and says she does not remember much of the night in question. She cannot answer basic details AT ALL about it (standing/sitting, which room, anything). I was asleep as I crashed out after the bar and she stayed up to catch up talking with him.
I'm STD tested every 3 months since this event as its covered by workplace (one of a few things covered). Paternity is assured as we already required medical tests in this regard which also provided confidence of paternity (its mine, or my fathers, and he is dead for 20 years).