A Change in Attitude during your R
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-07-2013, 03:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default A Change in Attitude during your R

I will start by saying that for the most part our R has been ok transparency, calling from work and when she leaves, very remorseful all that stuff.

However there are some nagging things still lingering- mainly I still think she hasn't been 100 % honest and still has some hidden actions that she is worried if she tells me I will be gone for good.
Even though I have some evidence there is nothing concrete but it is hard to argue with phone records. and a few places she said she was going that I can't confirm from that time.

So there is some impasse, her saying there is nothing else me saying I see some things that suggest otherwise. Ultimately ending with her saying if I can't get past this she is done (funny because she has told me several times she will be here as long as it takes to make this right) as she sees no sense in continuing.

So my position is now this I am here but I am no longer promising anything, if I wake up tomorrow, next week, next month year whatever and decide I can't go on with what I think are half truths then she is out. You can imagine this has not gone over well but I am not the one who brought us to this so tough live with it just like I am trying to do and if you don't like it tomorrow, next year etc then you can call it over and leave as well.

I say that to say this I think it has taken the last several months since this has happened for me to finally reach the point where I have learned I can go on without her, I wouldn't be happy at least not at first but what will happen will happen and my life will go on.

I don't want to call it a hardening of my heart towards her or that I have fallen completely out of love with her( the sun does not rise and set with her anymore though) but I want to call it maturing in this process, at first you are stunned a novice not really knowing what to do just holding on then the confidence comes back and you know that you will be just fine no matter what.

About d*mm time
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Change in Attitude during your R

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Originally Posted by love=pain View Post
So there is some impasse, her saying there is nothing else me saying I see some things that suggest otherwise. Ultimately ending with her saying if I can't get past this she is done (funny because she has told me several times she will be here as long as it takes to make this right) as she sees no sense in continuing.
Translation: Get over it already

This is rugsweeping and not true remorse. The true test of R is time. A truly remorseful spouse would not say that. My fWW said the same thing: That she will do anything no matter how long it takes to recover the marriage.

June 11, 2013 will be my 3rd Antiversary (D-Day plus 3 years). My fWW has never said anything like that yet. Remember, it takes 2-5 years on average, to recover from a betrayal like this.
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Change in Attitude during your R

My man said that at the beginning 'if I can't get past it he is done', etc etc. He refused to discuss it after we had gone over several times.

Then I was done eventually when it became clear we were going nowhere and he was obviously not coming clean (educated here at TAM).

We were on, off, on, off, eventually off. Out came some TT (1 year later and much hurt, anger and upset in the process!). Stupid me for putting up with it!

We are still at an impasse, I don't believe he has still come completely clean, but there is no more 'get over it'. He talks if I need to, accepts all conditions. We are nearly 2 years post DD now.

Your Mrs is definitely hiding more stuff. Question is if you are prepared to let her go due to not coming clean?

If she is saying those things to you, definitely let her go. She is not prepared to fix, or help fix.
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Old 05-07-2013, 04:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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As a WS I know how hard it is to tell somone you hurt the details... it really really sucks, and all you want to do is forget about it and pray your BS does too. In no way am I defending your WW, she needs to know how important it is for you to truely heal. My STBX has filed, I moved out per her request, and there is little to no chance at R. That all said, I will do whatever my STBX needs from me to help her heal, as hard as that is... I know she may need all those details.

It is her job to do all the heavy lifting and put your healing before anything else to achieve true R. It is your job to let her know what is required, and what are the very real consequences if she doesn't. Either she isn't doing or your not demanding and following through.

WS
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Old 05-07-2013, 04:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Change in Attitude during your R

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Originally Posted by love=pain View Post
So there is some impasse, her saying there is nothing else me saying I see some things that suggest otherwise. Ultimately ending with her saying if I can't get past this she is done (funny because she has told me several times she will be here as long as it takes to make this right) as she sees no sense in continuing.
This was the key to me.

Maybe it's time to deliver an ultimatum. Provide her with the evidence and yoour concerns and give her one chance to come clean to your satisfaction. If she cannot, then time to go because you can't go on knowing you're getting a partial truth and living a lie isn't going to make a marriage work.
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Old 05-07-2013, 04:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Change in Attitude during your R

In the case of my R, I've noticed with time the OMs history is being rewritten. Everytime we've discussed him she describes him worse. Funny how the history rewrite can work against OMs as well as BSs.
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Old 05-07-2013, 04:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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So my position is now this I am here but I am no longer promising anything, if I wake up tomorrow, next week, next month year whatever and decide I can't go on with what I think are half truths then she is out. You can imagine this has not gone over well but I am not the one who brought us to this so tough live with it just like I am trying to do and if you don't like it tomorrow, next year etc then you can call it over and leave as well.

I say that to say this I think it has taken the last several months since this has happened for me to finally reach the point where I have learned I can go on without her, I wouldn't be happy at least not at first but what will happen will happen and my life will go on.

I don't want to call it a hardening of my heart towards her or that I have fallen completely out of love with her( the sun does not rise and set with her anymore though) but I want to call it maturing in this process, at first you are stunned a novice not really knowing what to do just holding on then the confidence comes back and you know that you will be just fine no matter what.About d*mm time
You are at the end of limbo. Congratulations!

I hope that those struggling with recent d-days will read your words and recognize that they will be okay as well.

The path ahead has its bumps, but it makes me smile to know that you are mending.
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Old 05-07-2013, 04:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Change in Attitude during your R

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Originally Posted by love=pain View Post
However there are some nagging things still lingering- mainly I still think she hasn't been 100 % honest and still has some hidden actions that she is worried if she tells me I will be gone for good.
Even though I have some evidence there is nothing concrete but it is hard to argue with phone records. and a few places she said she was going that I can't confirm from that time.

So there is some impasse, her saying there is nothing else me saying I see some things that suggest otherwise. Ultimately ending with her saying if I can't get past this she is done (funny because she has told me several times she will be here as long as it takes to make this right) as she sees no sense in continuing.
Please forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I think the real problem is that you stayed with her in the first place! I don't believe that you (or anyone) should try to "R" without making it clear that "D" is in process and that you are going through with the "D" unless you see that she is giving you everything you need. Reconciling from the comfort of a marriage gives the wayward a huge comfort (safety) zone from which to operate and they can act with the impunity that you describe. Staying in the marriage puts you in the position of weakness. Now she is telling you that "she" will leave if "you can't get over it". If you had filed from the begining you would have seen quickly how committed she was or wasn't to you.

I'm sorry for your pain man.
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Old 05-07-2013, 05:03 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Change in Attitude during your R

I agree with MM. I am just happy that the pain is less severe. It seems that you are just in a lull before you begin with a D. I did that, and it seemed to be a good move. Gave me time to plan it out. Good luck!
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Old 05-08-2013, 05:44 AM   #10 (permalink)
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As a WS I know how hard it is to tell somone you hurt the details... it really really sucks, and all you want to do is forget about it and pray your BS does too.
I don't want to jump all over WS's, but how can this possibly compare to the pain of being betrayed?

And wanting it to just go away is effectively wanting it to remain unresolved, so that it will haunt the WS forever.

It's a bit like running over your spouse with the car and then not wanting them to go to hospital for treatment because you can't bear to see them undergo a painful operation to fix the damage that you caused.
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Old 05-08-2013, 07:14 AM   #11 (permalink)
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The biggest difference between now and when it started or even 2 months ago is the feeling that if I am done I am done right now I am not but the confidence to just move on if that is what I decide is there.
The more I thought about this post the more I compare it to the "fog" some of the WS go through, many BS have their own type of fog, the hysterical bonding, the panic of being alone, loss of their family.
If I am here it is because I want to be here not that I have to be here big difference.
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Old 05-08-2013, 07:34 AM   #12 (permalink)
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As a BS for me the hardest part of the entire process was actually understanding that I had to be fully committed to losing my partner, marriage, and everything else, in order to have any meaningful chance to actually salvage it, and rebuild it to be stronger. Consulting with a D attorney and being ready to file was the hardest thing I ever had to face and do. When my fWS learned about how far along I was in the process of D, it really shook her to the core, and galvanized in her how real the situation really was. I think that the entire process of seeing the attorney was the most meaningful foothold I got on saving my marriage. The effect was two fold. One, it helped me come to terms with the fact that life had to, and would go on without her in it, and that in order to have any type of self respect left after the dust settled I had to act accordingly, sending a message to my then WS that I had self worth and value, and shouldn't be flippantly dismissed.

As others have pointed out, her defensiveness reeks of rug sweeping, and should not be tolerated. Explain to her that it is up to her to understand what it is you are going through. Tell her you will help, by pointing her to the right texts/websites, but she has to do the legwork and learn what it will take to help you heal, and how her defensiveness will simply derail all efforts to R.
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Old 05-08-2013, 07:45 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Please forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I think the real problem is that you stayed with her in the first place! I don't believe that you (or anyone) should try to "R" without making it clear that "D" is in process and that you are going through with the "D" unless you see that she is giving you everything you need.
I hate to admit it, but this is true. Regret was always willing to talk and open up and tell me the truth. Until, something else "small" came out...then I knew the "truth". Fast forward to summer and my golf league where I re-aquainted myself with a good guy who just happens to be a lawyer. We played a round and he gave me his card. Page 51 in the Reconciliation thread. You can read how difficult it was for her to realize that I was literally ready to walk. See...that day I told her I was finished with the trickle truth and gave her his card. I told her that he was the one she would be talking to from now on and that I was giving her one more chance.

Life changed quite dramatically from that point. It has been totally different ever since. No longer do my Spidey senses tingle as they had for almost 6 months to that day.


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Originally Posted by love=pain View Post
The more I thought about this post the more I compare it to the "fog" some of the WS go through, many BS have their own type of fog, the hysterical bonding, the panic of being alone, loss of their family.
For me, I can honestly say a big part of my "fog" was that everything that I knew wasn't the reality of our marriage. It threw me for a loop for so damn long. Although, my fog wasn't about fear of loss or anything...it was more about "WTF?" I had to realize that my life with Regret for the 5 years leading up to that very night, were not at all what I thought.
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Old 05-08-2013, 07:48 AM   #14 (permalink)
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As a BS for me the hardest part of the entire process was actually understanding that I had to be fully committed to losing my partner, marriage, and everything else, in order to have any meaningful chance to actually salvage it, and rebuild it to be stronger. Consulting with a D attorney and being ready to file was the hardest thing I ever had to face and do. When my fWS learned about how far along I was in the process of D, it really shook her to the core, and galvanized in her how real the situation really was. I think that the entire process of seeing the attorney was the most meaningful foothold I got on saving my marriage. The effect was two fold. One, it helped me come to terms with the fact that life had to, and would go on without her in it, and that in order to have any type of self respect left after the dust settled I had to act accordingly, sending a message to my then WS that I had self worth and value, and shouldn't be flippantly dismissed.

As others have pointed out, her defensiveness reeks of rug sweeping, and should not be tolerated. Explain to her that it is up to her to understand what it is you are going through. Tell her you will help, by pointing her to the right texts/websites, but she has to do the legwork and learn what it will take to help you heal, and how her defensiveness will simply derail all efforts to R.
You are right and I have told her the same things. I told her that if she wants to truly get past this then any of these anomalies need to be explained the longer questions linger the longer this process will take if it even can be resolved at all.

I will be here as long as I can but one day the questions still out there will be more than I can take just that simple.
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Old 05-08-2013, 08:15 AM   #15 (permalink)
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"her saying if I can't get past this she is done"

Huge red flag here. That's definitely NOT remorse, she's not sorry and she's angry. But angry at what? you, for getting caught, loosing her lover...what is it?

With an attitude like that, you WILL NOT get passed it. It will eat at you and haunt you for ever as long as you are with her. Time for serious actions on your part.
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